The ex wife wants him back..

[CapriSun090]

Hi all, I was just hoping for some words of wisdom on how to deal with this situation because it is very raw and I feel very emotional. Please look at this objectively and I ask that the first response isn't "throw this one back" I just need some advice on what to do if anything.

I met a guy of tinder some while ago, he was very open from the get go and said he was separated but not yet divorced. He explained his wife and him drifted apart owing to the nature of his work and lock down making it worse. They share a pre-teenage daughter whom he sees at weekends.

Twice during the relationship he told me I deserved better and tried to push me away, but I told him no, I took a chance on him because he was decent and kind, made me feel like I mattered and I truly believed he was my one.

Some months went past and we have settled nicely into a relationship and then he is due for promotion at his work place. His workplace want him to spend some time overseas also.

Upon handovers with his wife he informed her of this and this has started to pique her interest.
A further two times he told me she got upset that he was going away and that he should be accompanying her and their daughter on a trip abroad they have in the summer instead of going overseas to work.

I have to stress this man has been nothing but open and honest with me about everything, I fully believe he was/is separated and wasn't just biding his time.

This week, his wife asked to meet with him after work and he went there and she has in essence said they should put their differences aside and try again for the sake of their daughter.

This prompted him to immediately send me a war and peace message with how much he loves me but he wants more time with his daughter and he is torn.

We spoke on the phone and please believe me when I say he was distraught, over and over again he kept telling me he loved me, I have never known anyone to have been so upset. He said he loves me, but he also loves his daughter and having the chance to have her back home as he missed out on the early years through work it is pulling him greatly. He said he thought we should seperate whilst he thought about things as it wasn't fair to me to keep me waiting.

I was brutally honest with him on the phone and said that if he goes back, to never contact me ever again if this doesn't work out.

He said a life going back to his wife would be miserable and they would be more like brother and sister or house mates, there is zero passion in their relationship and he is not in love with her... even he said he did not know how he would be able to do it, but he is considering it for the sake of his daughter.

We exchanged various WhatsApp's over the course of the evening and he reiterated that he has not said yes to her and that he has just said he needs time to think because it has been almost three years of separation.

When I went to sleep, he sent me a message whilst I was asleep to tell me he couldn't have me walk out of his life and he'll tell her no, the current set up with his daughter is working fine and after his promotion he is likely not even get to see her that much during the week in any case.

In essence, this feels to me like he acted in haste by messaging me immediately after meeting his wife and he regrets it.

Just to be clear, it is the wife that wants him back and not the other way around.

I told him I am angry in the way in which he has handled things, and thought we would deal with this together rather than him saying we should separate via text message, this felt so disrespectful.

I am now torn as to what to do, he is about go away for several weeks and I will not see him (no he isn't going away with the wife)

I have been proud and not messaged him since we spoke last.

To be honest, I feel pretty heartbroken.

I feel like I was just an after thought and he had absolutely no respect for me whatsoever to send me a message.

I feel like he will forever be beholden to the wife and that she has this hold over him with his daughter as the daughter lives full time with her (he only sees her at weekends)

He's expressed he cannot let me walk out of his life after consideration and is begging me not to block and delete him, however once again, I feel like an afterthought.

Please tell me what I should do because every fibre of my being wants to call him to say ok let's try again, but the pride in me is refraining because I told him he would only have one chance of happiness.

Does he sound genuine? a chancer? like someone who has made a mistake?

I just don't know.

@CapriSun090

Lucyloo said what I wanted to say. Life is complex and people don’t always immediately know what the right thing to do is.

I also want to add - I am guessing you don’t have kids yourself. Because you don’t seem to understand how hard it is for a parent to be apart from them.

You want him to put you above everything, including his daughter.

Massive red flag that he didn’t tell the wife he’s been seeing you. I’d tell him that unless he files for divorce and tells her he’s met someone else, it’s over. A few years ago I would’ve given him another chance - but I’ve had a lot of therapy since then, and every time I gave someone in a “difficult situation” another chance it never worked out well for me.

Did you do exactly what she asked you not to do deliberately or?

OP, it's so tough. I've been in the same situation. I don't think I'd be giving up on quite just yet. Give it time while hes away. Dont do as he did and act in haste.

I do. I'm a single parent to a 5 year old who doesn't see her father.
I can't imagine how he feels by not seeing her full time but surely there are other steps he can take rather than going back to this supposedly miserable marriage.

I definitely do not want him to put me above his daughter, I've said all along kids come first always, but I thought given he said he loves me he would've told the wife he'd met someone else, that's what's hurting me.. I feel like a shameful secret.

It's himself he's not being honest with.

I feel like he will forever be beholden to the wife and that she has this hold over him with his daughter as the daughter lives full time with her (he only sees her at weekends)
Bullshit.

He has prioritised his career over his daughter from the get-go.
If he wanted to spend more time with her, he would have changed his working commitments in order to have a job that would enable him to do just that.
He would have gone for 50/50, & made it work. Like single mothers do. He doesn't get a Get Out Of Jail Free card because he's a man.

It's pretty feeble to blame his career, blame his wife, focus on his career & wail about not seeing his DD.
He sounds like he lacks backbone OP.
And his "if I went back it would be so SAD for me I would be doing it out of my nobility of spirit FOR MY DAUGHTER" is self-serving nonsense. He doesn't need to go back to his ex-wife in order to spend more time with his child.

Why - FFS - did he even agree to this bloody meeting with his ex in the first place? Sorry OP. You need to take off the rose-tinted specs.

What are his reasons for not being divorced after being separated for 3 years??

He did you the honour of being honest with you and laying his heart bare
😂😂😂
Fucksake!

It's all about him, isn't it?

He wants to see his daughter but actually work & promotion is his priority. If he became disconnected from his wife, could his focus on work be the cause...if so you will be in the exact same position. Previous behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour. Don't think you will be different.

Red flag - 3 years separated and no divorce proceedings (plus no knowledge of you!) is deeply suspicious. Had he wanted a life with you he would have started to legally separate.

He is a "cake & eat it man". Do you really think there is zero physical contact with his wife??? Are you believing she haa asked him to try again and it's come out of nowhere??

That just doesn't happen, couples who are separated don't go from zero to "let's get back together" as people are naturally afraid of rejection. What happens is that they start to feel a connection and then act affectionately, perhaps flirting and when they feel confident one or both float the idea of getting back together. I know it's painful for you consider this version but it is more likely than the story he is telling you.

Summary, he got bored, went on Tinder and now isn't keen on walking away from his marriage but he would very, very much like it, if you stayed around.

Is there much of an age difference between you two?

It sounds like his cyrponite is his daughter, and she used this one to her full advantage to make her proposition more attractive.

Don't be silly. He is happy enough to only see her at weekends, & not even that when his Big Important ManJob takes him overseas - which he is actively planning to do more of.
His daughter is the excuse he is using to play OP off against his wife.
His wife has NO right to withhold access to their child - if he wanted to see more of his daughter, he would have gone to law if necessary. He is full of shit.

What patronising & illogical comments.

OP's b/f is hardly Father Of The Year. He has absolutely NO problem being apart from his child. He prefers advancing his career to caring for her. He has only seen her on a very part-time basis since (apparently) leaving his wife.

Frankly - I don't think they are properly split up. Or where is the divorce, & where is the set-in-stone contact arrangement?

I agree with this. Posters are very quick to jump in with LTB but it's easy to say that when the outcome doesn't affect you at all.
Only you know how you feel and what he would have to do to gain your trust back. If he is willing to do that then I don't know throwing away a relationship without even trying is the best idea.
Take on board what has been said, the women here are very wise, but do remember no one here will be the one picking up the pieces after it ends. So make sure the decision you make is the right one for you.

"I met a guy of tinder some while ago, he was very open from the get go and said he was separated but not yet divorced. He explained his wife and him drifted apart owing to the nature of his work and lock down making it worse. They share a pre-teenage daughter whom he sees at weekends.

Twice during the relationship he told me I deserved better and tried to push me away, but I told him no, I took a chance on him because he was decent and kind, made me feel like I mattered and I truly believed he was my one."

@CapriSun090 , this is as far as I got into your OP before my thoughts turned to 'he's not separated all all'. Seriously. He works away and goes home at the weekends and wants some company through the week. He lays down a story that keeps you on the hook while also allowing him to back out of the relationship at a moment's notice.

Now, I know I am cynical. And I could be wrong. But as @Jeunein alluded to, I think since Day 1 he's been feeding you a line. Test my idea out for yourself. Your belief in his honesty is subjective, I'm asking you to look over your relationship with him and come up with something OBJECTIVE - spmething proveable, something material - that shows they were separated. Or that shows they were not. Anything he's told you could be either true, or a lie. Is any of it verifiable? I'm going to guess that no objective proof will be possible one way or the other. So then I'd ask myself - which is really the more likely scenario? The one he's spun for you, or the one I've suggested?

Okaaaayyy...

Pull your fingers out of your ears and read your post again.

I would put good money on his "honesty" being a load of old rubbish.

I am wondering what your pattern of seeing each other looks like. Weekends together? Seeing each other frequently, including overnight? Do you know where he lives? Ever meet his daughter? Assuming no to that last one.

Hi, OP -

I am just chiming in to bolster your resolve, because PPs have made my points. Look at your man’s actions, not his words. He probably loves his daughter because parents do, but his actions don’t speak of devotion and neither do his future plans. Something else is going on.

I had not actually thought of a double life but now that the bypothesis has been formed, answer the questions PPs have raised, - if only to yourself. Is it a possibility?

In any case, you have already been treated badly and this is awful. You deserve better.

That was a big long OP to essentially say that this is the third time in your short relationship that he's tried to end things with you.

Who knows whether the background story he's telling you is true, there are certainly plenty of red flags there for me.

twice during the relationship he’s tried to push me away saying I deserve better

He said he thought we should seperate whilst he thought about things as it wasn't fair to me to keep me waiting

He's trying for a third time to dump you - this time, do yourself a massive favour and let him.

He isn't done with his marriage yet, he may never be. Don't wait for him.

You say he is going away for a while anyway - in that case I’d tell him that you are upset and you need time to decide what you want to do.

I’d have little to no contact with him whist he is away which will give you both time to think.

If you do decide to try things again then at least you can keep your pride and haven’t jumped straight back with him when he clicks his fingers.

I truly don’t believe anyone would get back together with someone for the ‘sake of the kids’, especially when in a new relationship.
Him saying they’ll be like friends or roommates is BS and he was saying that to not hurt your feelings.

I do not think he is being honest with you. I think he is weak and wants you on board with his agenda. Its my guess he was testing the waters when he told you all of this to see if you would go along with it. When you told him it would be over - he backtracked.
I would look at this as a sign of more to come and the wife and daughter are just poor excuses for his flakiness.
Working away ? I wonder if he'll meet some other nice lady there and serve her the shite he has shovelled on to you OP

Maybe he is moving his family overseas and will have OP as his girlfriend state side.

He's not fully left the marriage or the wife. This daughter dilemma is not real as he would see immediately its working out as it stands. Not telling the W about you would be my red line. You deserve to be acknowledged. to not do so would say to me he wanted to keep a foot in the marital door, while he made up his mind about you. Sorry, but you are rights on this one. Pity as it would have been easy for him to say no, I've met OP

And yes ... you are a 'shameful secret.'

I can almost hear you crying OP.

Let him go.

You deserve so much better.

Horrible situation for you for sure. I think he’s trying to let you down gently by saying she wants him back and he’s going back for the sake of the daughter. I don’t believe a man would go back to a marriage he was truly miserable in for the sake of his child. I don’t know many men that do things they don’t want to do frankly….