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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is anyone else estranged from a parent or parents?

76 replies

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 14:57

and how does it affect you?

I have been estranged from my dad for the last 2 1/2 years and at first I was devastated. then a few months ago he sent me a letter out of the blue and it started to upset me again. now he has sent me another letter and I dont feel anything, not even angry. i just dont feel bothered and i think i should be.

Am i analysing things too much? and how does it affect your feelings?

really paranoid today

OP posts:

marialuisa · 25/11/2004 15:06

fio, we've talked a bit about parents before. I had no contact with my dad at all for many years and TBH, I could live quite happily without him around (we have these awful get togethers about 3x a year).

DH is the problem though. he's not been in contact with either of his parents or one ofhis brothers for quite some time. his mum sent him a b'day card and he just shrugged and put it in the bin.

TBH if you're not getting riled i'd say it's a good sign. That the whole thing is becoming less important and you're more together about your decision.

Amanda1 · 25/11/2004 15:07

Message withdrawn

Original poster

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 15:08

they are business letters by the way. he wants no contact with me and slags me off to people who I know.

he refers to me as mrs xxxxxxx

marialusia, does your dh want contact? or does he just not get bothered either?

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 25/11/2004 15:09

I didn't see my dad for more than 30 years, then I tracked him down on the internet earlier this year. It was good to be able to find out more about that part of my family (I knew nothing before), but he wouldn't answer the burning question - i.e. why? So now I am not in contact with him any more. I feel sad about it. Your lack of feeling at the moment may be that you are coming to terms with the estrangement, or it could be a kind of numbness masking deeper feelings. Those feelings will work their way out over time, so don't pressure yourself about it - you feel what you feel, it's not something you can control!

Hugs x

ripley · 25/11/2004 15:24

I have great parents, completely the opposite to my poor dh. He has not seen his Dad now for well over a decade and was estranged from his Mum for about 15 years. Recently he let her back into his life for our children's sake. She came over (from Canada funnily enough) lavished the kids with presents then proceeded to spend the entire two weeks going out shopping, getting up too late to see the kids off at school with me and spending the entire afternoon away when the kids were back home. She had a Saturday morning flight back to Canada, and when we woke up that morning she was gone. She had up and left in the middle of the night without a word to any of us. The fury stepped in when my son started crying 'where's Grandma?'

She was cut out of dh's life because she was so mentally abusive over the years. She did the same thing as your dad, gradual letters, then phone calls. Now he's annoyed with himself that he let her affect our children and has vowed she will never again be part of our lives which I completely agree with. My dh feels the same as you SantaFio2, not bothered. He says he feels absolutely nothing towards her, not even pity.

If you are estranged from him for a very good reason which you still stand by do not feel like you should feel anything towards him. Some people just aren't meant to be parents and some are just plain evil. I have never met anyone like my ex mil and I never want to again.

ripley · 25/11/2004 15:26

Oh, just read about the business letters. Unbelievable. You poor thing. As I said before, some people are not fit to be parents.

Original poster

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 15:30

actually i do feel angry. Writing it dow ahs made me feel angry again! He has manipulated me for years/, really controlled my life and my emoticians. I would be in tears daily when i worked with him, he made me lie to my mother for him and made my sisters life a misery. he thinks he can buy my children and acts like I am some kind of evil witch. He only remembers my bad points and I just couldnt let him drag me down anymore. We had an argument a few months after my sister died and it wasd the first time I had ever answered him back and told him what I thought and he hasnt spoken to me since

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 25/11/2004 15:32

God, how awful fio

Good for you standing up to him like that. It is very sad but he sounds like a bastard and you're well rid of him until he learns how to be a decent human being.

nikcola · 25/11/2004 15:34

I dont have contact with my dad as you no and i feel the same as you fio,

If i never saw my dad agin it wouldnt bother me but i do get very angry when he doesnt bother with dd ffs he is 43 years old and sometimes i think im the parent not him now he has not bothered with dd for allmost a year that is it i want nothing more to do wiht him he is a selfish greedy git , all he is interested in is his latest girlfriend and they come before anyone but if she left him he would be straight round here for sympathy but i havent got the time for him anymore he needs to grow up and realsie who is family is ,

as for my mom she isnt interested in my only dd which doesnt bother me, At least she makes the effort but i dont like her and i certainly dont love her anymore after all she did to me xxxxxxxxx

nikcola · 25/11/2004 15:35

he sounds horrible fio you are better off with out him xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 15:36

mine is always interested in his latest g/f, i even used to have to go and look for him if he didnt come home

god I didnt know I was so angry a therapist would have a field day with me.

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 25/11/2004 15:37

A good form of self-therapy is to write him a letter. I know I am always telling people to do this on mn, must sound like a nutter, but it really does work. Really cathartic. You don't have to send it.

Original poster

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 15:39

I have just wrote hima letter. It is to sign over my half of the business. At least i will have some closure from that. It was even hard writing that. i have put it off for months!

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Titania · 25/11/2004 15:40

I haven't spoken to my mum or my sister for about 5 months now. Part of me is very sad that I haven't got a mother but then the other part knows she was never a real mother to me anyway. She sends cards and money to the children but I never let them have them and put them in the bin. I don't want them getting confused. She's either here or she's not......and at the moment I prefer it that she's not. I haven't told mum or my sister I'm moving house and TBH I don't care either.

spacemonkey · 25/11/2004 15:40

mm I had more of a "Dear Dad YOU F*CKING BSTARD" type letter in mind!

nikcola · 25/11/2004 15:40

i get very ngry with my dad for how he treated me and all he says it its my fault an now i no its not his is a pig simple as that i used to miss him but not anymore i just dont understand hw you can not care about your children

Original poster

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 15:43

I know what type you meant spacemonkey i will try it but I will send it if I write it

nickola, I know what you mean, i feel the same but thats because our kids mean the world to us and we are different people. I do feel jealous of 'normal' families though with doting grannies, that are great babysitters etc.

OP posts:

nikcola · 25/11/2004 15:47

i get very jelous too of normal families

after having my dd 3 years ago i have got evern more angry with my pareants

Titania · 25/11/2004 15:48

I wish I had a normal family too............

nikcola · 25/11/2004 15:50

who wants a normal family when we have MN hey

i get so jelous when u see the grandparents taking their grandchildren out all my mom does for dd is buy her plastic crap to clutter up my flat

Titania · 25/11/2004 15:51

MIL just buys mine bibles and hides them round the house so she thinks I can't see them....(she knows I don't like religion pushed on my kids)

nikcola · 25/11/2004 15:53

joash · 25/11/2004 15:54

After years and years of putting up with absolute shite from my mother, I finally took the plunge in 2001 and wrote her a letter saying exactly how I felt about my life as her daughter. Although I would have appreciated the chance to thrash it all out with her - it did have the ultimate desired effect and she hasn't spoken to me since. It's been fabulous. I don't miss her one little bit and my immediate reaction (one that has stayed with me)was that I really did feel that I had had a tremendous weight lifted off me.

I do wish that I had cut all ties with her when I was a lot younger, and my only regret is that she has disowned my children along with me (although as much as I insist that they should have some sort of relationship with her - they refuse because of the way she used to treat them).

I did get upset a few months ago when she was rushed into hospital with a major health threat, but on analysis, I realised that I was not upset for her as a person, but for what I should have had - if our relationship had really been a "mother and daughter" one.

The upshot is that, you do not have to have a relationship or even like a person just because they are related to you. It is your choice. If you are happy, then stick with your decision. As for the first letters upsetting you - many parents seem to have an inbuilt ability to tug on the old heartstrings and make you feel some sort of guilt - even when you have nothing to feel guilty about.

IMO, you do not have to feel anything (other than annoyance at his persistence). You are an adult and perfectly capable of making your own decisions regarding who you choose to have in your life.

SORRY IF RANTING!!!

colinsmommy · 25/11/2004 15:58

I have no contact with my father(my choice) and my mother and sisters and her family have no contact with me(their choice). No regrets about my father at all. I don't even remember him half the time. I was really upset at first when my mom and all decided to have nothing to do with me, but in some ways its nicer, because it is not as emotionally draining. The anger I felt about them cutting off contact has turned into feeling sorry for them that they are missing out on watching my baby grow up, and I know it hurts them too, as they send DS presents all the time.

Original poster

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 16:09

thanks everyone for sharing your experiences with me, it really does help x i feel really strong but when i have to deal with him i feel weak and trapped, my mum is the same and for all her faults, I know he manipulates her too. he has even kept the deeds to my sisters grave as my sister wished for my mum to be buried with her. he wanted to be cremated but now he has decided he wants to be buried i sometimes feel like he will always control us

OP posts:

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