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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone else estranged from a parent or parents?

76 replies

SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 14:57

and how does it affect you?

I have been estranged from my dad for the last 2 1/2 years and at first I was devastated. then a few months ago he sent me a letter out of the blue and it started to upset me again. now he has sent me another letter and I dont feel anything, not even angry. i just dont feel bothered and i think i should be.

Am i analysing things too much? and how does it affect your feelings?

really paranoid today

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:13

i have posted the letter and have opened myself a bottle of cheap mans champagne, hopefully he will leave me alone now......

OP posts:
nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:17

you go girl i want to write a letter to my dad too but i dont think ill post it im a coward xxxxx

good for you

hester · 25/11/2004 18:30

My father was a violent man who buggered off when I was tiny and hasn't really wanted to know since then. He's still kind of around in my life - mainly because his latest wife and my mother have really tried to keep the connection, and because there are now grandchildren which he enjoys - but it's a very, very occasional thing. I did ask him once how it was that he produced a chain of children who he then took absolutely no interest in - ffs, he never even sent birthday cards - and he said vaguely, 'Well, it was difficult...'

I know that I have a huge amount of anger inside me - not just because of the abandonment but because of the violence and the lasting impact that had on my family - but I just don't know how I would begin to resolve it so it seems easier and safer to keep it buried very deep. Sometimes keeping a safe distance really is the best option.

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:40

hester

ikwym but maybe we are better than them, without being bigheaded but maybe we are nicer people?

OP posts:
nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:41

we are nicer people bause we have been hurt so we dont want to ever hurt our kids if that makes sence

nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:42

because we have been hurt i ment

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:43

nickola, you a re a very compassionate person, you should strive at your access course, please stick to it - you would make a wonderful nurse xxx

OP posts:
nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:44

thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hester · 25/11/2004 18:47

You're absolutely right, nikcola. A friend of mine said that she expected to feel a new closeness to her parents when she had kids herself, that she would understand better and forgive them more. Whereas what happened was that, having become a mother herself, she couldn't stop thinking about how she could never, ever treat her children the way she had been treated.

Don't tell my dad about this 'it makes us nicer people' theory, though - don't want the bastard taking the credit!

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:48
Grin
OP posts:
jakbrown · 25/11/2004 18:49

Oh blimey, can't believe this thread is on here, Santafio2! I have recently had a majorly traumatic time with my dad. He is a recovering alcoholic and IMO, his alcoholism is part of a bigger problem. A couple of years ago he came over when I was pregnant with DS and we ended up having a row about a computer (!) and he was very aggressive and violent. DH swore he wasn't to come near the house again. Anyway, I was persuaded it was a one-off etc and forgave him. So he came over again a couple of months ago and did the same thing. I asked him some questions about my childhood (my parents divorced when I was little and he emigrated to Australia when I was 10). OK, so I asked him some difficult questions (he said 'we weren't that close' as his rationale for leaving for Oz with his new family, knowing he wouldn't see me). He blew up again. It was so devastating and I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. He called me a f c* and he was so aggressive I actually thought he was going to hit me. Anyway, it's caused major problems in the family. I've had an awful, pretentious and manipulative letter from him basically saying it's all my fault and my grandma (his mum) thinks I should make it up with him
Sorry to rant, loads more to the story as I can see there is to everybody's on here. I feel very angry too, SantaFio2, I kind of think 'well I don't care' but I feel so emotional about it I realise I must do...

nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:49

id never tell my dad that he thinks hes a perfect person allready

im going to send him a pic of me and dd tomorow

just to piss him off

nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:50

oh my little bro told me i should ring dad and make it up to him too well he can bugger off ffs he is the parent not me xx

jakbrown · 25/11/2004 18:52

nikcola, your story is really shocking and upsetting. This 'move on and make it up' stuff is all very well but if making it up just means taking on more s*, is it worth it?!

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:55

jakbrown:9 yes you are right, thats howI feel

he has giveme that much greif, i cant cope with it anymore...cant and wont...dont know why i am talking about it but ykwim

he used to be lovely when I was young, somewhere along the line he changed. he makes me feel like I have done something terrible and I havent. I am me and I am normal (ish)

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:56

my typing is rubbish, I am cod incarnate before she dies or she is vrainwahsing mytyping

OP posts:
nikcola · 25/11/2004 18:57

my dad isnt worth all the hastle so im not going to bother saying sorry all i did wask ash him for some money and im supposed to apoliagise for that he has never apoligised for all the hurt he has caused me so why should i ,

fio do we have the same dad !!!!!!!

i think we need to go out get drunk amd moan about dads xxxx

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 18:59

maybe nickola he has 8 that I know of

all will be fucked up like me, i am eldest

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 19:04

can you imagine if me and nickola were sisters?

OP posts:
nikcola · 25/11/2004 19:07

ive allways wanted a sister,

nikcola · 25/11/2004 19:10

im fucked up too !

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 25/11/2004 19:16

well there you go nickola we have something inncommon alreadyrofl

OP posts:
jakbrown · 25/11/2004 19:42

On a more serious note, have you thought about counselling? I just don't know whether I could cope with all that over-analysis!

NomDePlume · 25/11/2004 19:58

I have been estranged from my father for the past 11 years. I was 11/12 when I last saw him. Most days I feel total ambivalence towards him, in fact I don't think about him at all. Other days I feel a passionate boiling rage towards him.

He was an alcoholic, wife-beating, pervert who sexually abused me from the age of about 3. On the outside he was a charming, professional, very good looking man, but the inside was a very different story. There are so many questions I want him to answer, I want him to look me in the eye now that I am a strong, independent, happy woman and for him to see that he hasn't won and he never ever will. I've stopped feing sad for the childhood that never really was, I just feel angry when I allow it bubble to the surface. I'm convinced that the only thing I would feel if I was told he was dead is relief, if anything at all.

I would agree that your abivalence towards your father is a good thing, fio. Grudges are good for no-one and eat away at you.

Sorry that this is a bit disjointed. Kids are in and out of the room.

Hugs to you.
xxx

jakbrown · 25/11/2004 20:24

NomdePlume
I don't know what to say...