Affair with student

[yellowdungarees]

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

ask her husband to hand over all access to emails and messages to get the truth of this

Yeah there's no chance he'll have deleted anything incriminating, now his marriage (and possibly) job are blowing up. Or even before this came out.

He's said nothing happened, and ow is a delusional, mentally ill , suicidal and fixated on him ....op only knows the truth because ow has maintained messages etc .... I'm sure he'll start being open and honest, and supplying op with all the info she wants, now.

Also it's your type of poster which would have told op not to.communicate with ow at all, and block her.
(Working on the basis she's one of these conniving, out to het her man, predatory other women you focus on).

In which case op would not even have gotten the facts she has now about her husband's sleazy, sexually coercive behaviour to his nearby 30 yrs younger affair "partner".

Now I'd assume that tutors don't mark final grades for people they actually teach, but potentially he has done this before so who knows whose grades have passed through his hands.

Yea, we absolutely do mark the final assessed work of students we teach.

I'm sure your "deep sigh" was very helpful to OP.

OP you must feel completely overwhelmed by learning your husband isn't just an arsehole but is a sexually coercive and manipulative one who lies easily and convincingly until caught out. And lies more, even then.

I hope you managed to get some sleep? Maybe you could try to talk to a trusted friend or family member today.

You must need a bloody big hug

And advice/perspectives other posters think is flawed (and misogynistic) will naturally be argued against by them.

Because they too want to help the op.

That does not make it a "debating forum".

I genuinely think you don't understand what coercion is.

That's even worse then. So many boundaries just trampled over.

He's taking no responsibility at all for what he has done. The fact he didn't have sex is only cause he couldn't, do no bonus points for that. He's had an affair and until he admits it you will never be able to stop messaging her.

What you have to understand is that certain posters get so worked up by different opinions they can’t just let it go, they have to leave multiple replies back - then of course everyone who disagrees with them and doesn’t think a 28 year old woman is a victim is misogynistic and at last because they’re misogynistic their posts must be reported.

Thats the way they think - anyone who disagrees with them about the woman being the victim in almost all situations is being hateful and can’t be allowed to express an opinion. Sadly most womens forums become dominated by these types of lunatics.

Are you a woman, @HippoLover2? And were you previously on this thread as @HippoLover? Did you lose your login halfway through?

If you think women's forums are so populated by lunatics, what do you get out of being on one?

For what it's worth, I think most people here would see the same relationship between a 28 year old male student and a 56 year old female professor in the same terms - creepy, inappropriate and an abuse of power and position.

There are two women in this situation.

One is OP who has been cheated on and lied to.

The other is the woman he cheated with. Bearing in mind this: "he was sulking when she didn’t comply, and told her that she’s not who he thought she was because she was “all talk”. She ended up sending pics to keep him happy because she didn’t want to disappoint him" I think it's very understandable that posters see both women as victims of a manipulative man, no?

@SpaghettiNotCourgetti

For what it's worth, I think most people here would see the same relationship between a 28 year old male student and a 56 year old female professor in the same terms - creepy, inappropriate and an abuse of power and position.

I completely agree.

Even without that female professor pressuring her student to send nudes like OP's husband did.

Horrible man.

@LooseGoose22

I can’t take an age gap seriously as evidence of a predatory man when the woman is late 20’s ffs. At what age are people simply grown adults responsible for their own choices? If a 35 yo gets with a 65 yo is the 65 yo “predatory”? She’s not straight out of high school she’s 28, to describe him as predatory because she’s 28 is ridiculous.

Also the idea of him being this incredible authority figure is absurd, he’s an ageing college professor who could be damaged by her going foward with this. He had no special authority. If she chooses to assign him one because she’s unduly in awe of his position that is her problem for being so sycophantic.

@SpaghettiNotCourgetti

So what he’s her professor? No difference. I was in uni a lot younger than her and if I had of hit on or gotten in a consensual relationship with my professor I would have been in full awareness of my own consent in the matter. We need to stop this absurd power play of making grown women children so we can punish men for some womens foolish choices.

Both her and the guy are morons with little maturity - in addition she is potentially unhinged.

@SpaghettiNotCourgetti

Outside of certain circles very few people would see a 28 year old woman pursuing her professor - or agreeing to an emotional affair with him as any kind of victim. They’d see her as a grown woman making a foolish choice.

Once again - this woman is 28 - not 17, not 18, twenty fucking eight. She is beyond the age where anyone not invested in seeing the woman as the victim in all situations could possibly see her as naive and the victim of age related power dynamics.

@wellhelloitsme

Neither of them are his victims, unless you consider any partner whose other half is unfaithful a victim - which to me is far too strong a term and one I reserve for those who have been victims of a criminal act.

His wife is innocent in all this and has been hurt and I feel for her. I don’t feel for the other woman as she is not innocent and not a victim any more than he. As for the nude photo? Big deal. If a 28 year old can’t say no to being asked for a nude photo then what hope is there for her ffs?

@MMmomDD do expect more from a 28yo. He was clearly just being an idiot, and trying his luck. She wasn’t forced. It was a choice to go along with it. It all goes back to her getting something from this ‘relationship’

Are you judging this woman by who you were when you were 28? You do realise that all 28 years olds are different don't you. If she was in a vulnerable low place it would be very easy to control and suck her in, age is absolutely irrelevant. Why are you seemingly giving this guy a free pass to behave in such an appalling nature and blame everything on the woman. Is this how the men in your life treat you and you now deem it as normality? It really isn't normal and he has behaved in a really terrible way.

@HippoLover Also the idea of him being this incredible authority figure is absurd, he’s an ageing college professor who could be damaged by her going foward with this

He abolsutely was in authority. He was her teacher. Would be acceptable if a teacher behaved in that manner with a 16 year old? No, of course not and the fact that she is 28 is neither here nor there. So what if she takes it further and he loses his career - dance with the devil and there's a chance you will get burned. He must have known the possible consequences yet he was stupid enough to carry on, what an absolute dick.

The above quoted must have very low boundaries or opinions of women, and I really hope people like them are in the minority otherwise. I really thought we had moved on from those days. Apparently not.

Every bit of this.
He is scum.

Print out copies of the above and put them somewhere safe.

I think his employer should be informed of whatva predator he is.

OP, you are in shock which is hugely understandable, however this is who he is, scum.

Do not try and save this marriage with this predator.

You are a woman in her prime.

Don't waste your future with.

Any guff from him, tell him all her messages are going to his children and employer so they know exactly who he is.

Reach out for support from family and friends.

Don't protect him.

His affair is one thing, exploiting a vulnerable student is a whole different level of awfulness.

I'm so sorry.
He's not someone I would want around my daughters friends.

He's predatory slime.

Theres little point arguing with someone who is unable to appreciate the different levels of life experience maturity, perspective, self awareness and reflection etc generally provided by being 53 versus 25

I would question the intellect and/or agenda of anyone who unable to do so.

@MMmomDD

Instead she continued her ‘relationship’ with him. And only decided to clear repent to his W once he stopped their contact.

He is clearly an idiot. But the woman isn’t some blameless victim either
^^^
THIS
Calling anyone a victim takes away their power.
This ow is not being a 'victim' now she is is being very assertive- but ti what end?
If Dh offered to move in with ow I bet she'd welcome him with open arms.
Op stop talking to her.
She's not on your side and doesn't care about you.
It's all about her and her pain.
Rise above it.
Good idea to get some space and decide what is best for you.

@yellowdungarees I can understand why you find it difficult to stop messaging this woman. In situations like this we try to make sense of it in the time period from our own perspective and we question everything - where was I then? Where was he? What happened on that holiday? I remember drawing up a timeline to see where "our" life and the affair might have crossed over. It does though make you question absolutely everything. In your case while it is painful I also understand why you are doing it especially as your H is minimising.

@Dozycuntlaters

”the fact that she’s 28 is neither here nor there”

Actually it is and it’s significantly different from a high school teacher in an illegal relationship with a 16 year old. Anybody at any age could have problems which make them vulnerable (though I don’t believe that here) - she could have been older than him and more vulnerable, age doesn’t matter there so the fact she’s 28 is neither here nor there in how vunerable she is. Fact is She’s a mature adult and the idea that he’s responsible for her choices is absurd and more than a little pathetic.

As to what authority he has... he had authority over these young women's grades, references etc. He has the authority implicit in lecturing and being seen as an expert on the subject they are students in. The authority of being listened to by potentially hundreds of their peers, notes taken if what he's saying, assessing their work.

You are being wilfully obtuse.

As to your general arguments.... you call other women who recognise predatory (and in this case coercive) behaviour in men lunatics. You have an agenda. Something has probably happened in your life, or is happening that makes you so determined to defend them. You are a hand maiden, ally, and toxic male apologist (and yes, a misogynist) Who knows or cares why; but your posts across this forum are certainly consistent in that.

Back on topic, predatory behaviour aside.... he's a married man and father who's a cheater. He's sending another woman messages about eating her out on his desk, he's illicting nude pics, he probably only hast done moved physically cause he was too worried his dick wouldn't perform.

He's very good at lying abd coveting coveting... not a peep until ow exposed him.

He's a liar

He can't offer op a functional sex life.

He's been jealous, possessive etc towards op, which has never cheated, while having cheated himself.

Hrs a liability financially cause he could lose his job and become somewhat unemployable due to the circumstances of losing his job.

*He's very good at lying amd covering up... not a peep until ow exposed him.

No power imbalance?! He will have been one of the people contributing to what marks she was given at various points!

At many universities, lecturers / professors who enter into any kind of sexual relationship with a student are required to tell HR so conflicts of interest can be removed. He obviously won't have done so as this was an affair.

Here in the UK, since UCL created a blanket ban on similar relationships, other universities have followed. The policy is also in place at Harvard, Yale, Princeton and many other universities across the US.

www.theguardian.com/education/2020/feb/20/ucl-to-ban-intimate-relationships-between-staff-and-students-univesities

As mentioned in the same article, a 2018survey by the 1752 Group and the NUS found that four-fifths of students said they were uncomfortable with staff having relationships with students, which they described as “predatory”.

He also risked his job for unethical practices as the woman could have gone to HR and said she was pressured by him for explicit pictures during the time he was her professor. So he risked family income too.

It's bizarre you don't even recognise OP as a victim of his behaviour.