Affair with student

[yellowdungarees]

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

@LooseGoose22

The porn talk is bawdy flirtation, what else could it be called? I think most people living in 2022 under the age of 60 would think of sending nudes as flirting as well.

"I had a flirtation with a young man from work ..... I told him wanted to such his dick at my desk, I asked him for nudes and he was reluctant but sent them after i slagged him of for being "all talk", i sent him porn showing my favourite things, and asked hm to send me his, u kissed him on a regulsr basis and touched him through his clothes, I told him my home life is shit and I'm unhappy, we've been in contact for 3 years ..."

But it was only a flirtation.

Sure thing.

You think most people in relationships in 2022 would see their partner sexting, exchanging nudes, exchanging porn, kissing, touching etc as well as depicting their home situation with their partner as v unhappy ... as them just having a flirtation.??

Oh I've had enough of of feeding the troll

@wellhelloitsme

I think if you actually look up an actual definition of coercion you will find out that what I said is actually correct.
Coercion is a legal term. It’s a crime and has a precise definition. It does require for there to be intimidation or threats of force.
The woman in question was reluctant to send pictures, but she certainly wasn’t coerced.

@Dozycuntlaters

I am judging this 28yo by her own actions. She is not a shrinking violet we need to feel sorry for - she is perfectly capable to speak up for herself - and claim justice. Especially after Op’s H decided to stop their ‘relationship’.
I don’t give him a free pass. As I keep saying - he is an idiot. And a middle aged cliche.
But it doesn’t change the fact that she is a willing participant here and not a victim.

A person can be a willing participant and still be taken advantage of. The two things can be true at once. She consented to the relationship but he was still abusing his position in embarking on said relationship.

Yes I recommend not feeding the trolls

Obviously some people would like us to go back to a time when women were supposed to just put up with whatever shit behaviour men dealt out to them. When marriage had to be sacred for the wife even if the husband trashed it by cheating and lying. When sexual harassment was just 'flirting' and if middle aged men cheated it was because of shameless hussies seducing them.

All of this is a distraction from the OP's actual problem, which is that her husband is a lying piece of shit who will probably lose his career very soon.

Maybe we can just help her come to terms with the end of her marriage without obsessing about the OW's culpability, it doesn't really matter. The OP has some hard decisions to make.

I bet if she reports to the university and it becomes known, there will be other women who come forward. It is problematic any time there is an age difference or power imbalance in a relationship in that it lends itself to abuse. Any one with any sense would see that. She was coerced by someone who had power over her grades. She is a victim. Denying that perpetuates hateful ideas about women being to blame for mens bad behaviour. OP, hope you get some time to think - you may need a lot and he may need to be out of the house for a while so you can think about what you want to do. Perhaps counselling for yourself to give you a neutral space to talk this through?

Actually forgot, I would have been to his home several times as well during this 3 yr "flirtation".

His behaviour is disgusting. His 'excuse' makes no sense.

If he genuinely believed she was a student suffering with mental health issues, why did he think that telling her his own mental health problems whilst pestering her for nudes and sending her porn would help? Where does that sit with his organisations policies I wonder?

If he though that a mentally vulnerable student was getting too attached to him should have have
a) told his employer so he could distance himself while they provide the appropriate support for her, and maybe let his wife know - without naming names of coure, OR
b) had a 3 year relationship with the student in secret, pestered her for nudes, shared with her what he'd like to do to her sexually, shared porn and demanded she comment on it, while manipulating and coercing her to get deeper and deeper in, when she clearly didn't want to?

No part of his 'excuse' makes any sense.

He has lied, cheated, acted unprofessionaly, coerced a student, and continues to dodge any responsibilty, to gaslight you. He told her lies about your relationship so it follows that he's telling you lies about his relationship with her.

I couldn't look at him the same ever again. He's a sleaze.

And the kissing? The touching over clothes?

That's non physical flirtation?

I mean... it's quite literally physical.

A person can be a willing participant and still be taken advantage of. The two things can be true at once. She consented to the relationship but he was still abusing his position in embarking on said relationship.

Exactly!
I also work at a university and this would be seen as completely unacceptable

The fact that he refuses to acknowledge what happened and apologise would be the final straw for me. I'd send the screenshots to his Head of School/Department and see what they think.

It's also worth pointing out that most affair partners consent to a relationship on the understanding that the other person's primary relationship is dead, pretty much nonexistent, and will end sooner rather than later (with the relationship with the man then becoming official).
When they realise its not ending later, or likely at all, and theyre drooped.... they realise they've been scammed.

Of course you can say they should know it a scam and not go there, but neanderthal man was probably scamming his affair partner with those lines and every genenation since. And at 25 you are far less likely to know it's a scam than at 35, 45, etc.

Consent like this (and some of his actions were coercive) is based on a scam, on misrepresentation, on future faking etc.

It may not be illegal but it is certainly immoral, and it is entirely understandable that it results in angry, bitter ex affair partners.

*with their relationship with the man then becoming official

The porn talk is bawdy flirtation, what else could it be called?

Sending porn videos to someone you kiss when you're married to someone else? What else could it be called? I think most people would call that cheating.

I think most people living in 2022 under the age of 60 would think of sending nudes as flirting as well.

I think most people living in 2022 under the age of 60 / 50 / 30 / 20 / any age would think of requesting or sending nudes with someone outside of your relationship as at best disloyal. Many would call it cheating.

I can't imagine anyone in a committed relationship who found out their partner had been exchanging nudes from someone and also kissing them while meeting up in secret would think they weren't cheating.

^^ there's no point trying to reason with that poster, they've gotta be taking the piss.

Its clear ecen from what little op has said, that her husband has misrepresented his home life, marriage, mental health and happiness to this young woman for 3 yrs ..... or at least until he got what he wanted out of it and dismissed any ideas of taking it further.

Most people are not going to react well to realising they've been conned, and a longterm con at that.

The flip side is the level to which he has been happy to disrespect & denigrate his marriage, family and life with op to perpetuate this con/have this affair.

And while being jealous and possessive around Op's interacation with the opposite sex.

Such lack of integrity, lack of loyalty and hypocrisy dies not make for good partner material.

266 total posts
12 posts by the OP@yellowdungarees
102 posts by a single user
# of posts that quote/reply to that 1 person- more than I care to count

And she's not the only one, by far. The bickering between a relatively small group of people has taken over.

@yellowdungarees opened this thread for support and advice in Relationships. If she'd wanted to start a debate she'd have posted in Feminism/Women's Rights.

Everyone has thoughts and opinions on who's at fault and whether this is LTB-worthy. It's okay to share those, but then MOVE ON or take your disagreements to private messages, or even better, start a thread in another area. It's a subject worth discussion, but not to the detriment of the woman who needs support in her own life.

Please focus on Yellow Dungarees and leave the Great Debate for a more appropriate setting.

@yellowdungarees I hope you come back. MN is here to support you. Some of us just have very strong opinions.

Wow, that is the most spectacular deflecting list of lies that has given you.
Does he think you are a complete idiot ?
Absolutely talk to your sister,
Has he risked his job over this ?

I think the opinion that absolutely everyone gets wiser with age is misguided. Even with life experience some never learn, cannot learn, or choose not to.

OP I would cut communication with this woman. I know it's unlikely but if she is mentally unstable or has a personality disorder ( which some people are adapt at hiding by learning behaviours which enable them to function normally in society) - then there is a small possibility she could be a physical threat to you or your children and you have to protect them. Not trying to be overly dramatic but it happens on occasion. I think this " i'm going to tell the wife for her own good" is rubbish. She's loving elaborating and telling you all the gory details of their affair. She's also sizing up her competition.

I hope you are okay, @yellowdungarees I’ve been studiously ignoring the trolls. Unfortunately I can’t see that those who have taken them on have got anywhere.

I don't think he is lying. I think he is having simultaneous feelings. If he hasn;t slept with her, it's because he is profoundly attached to you and values family life and your marriage. I would place some importance on that.
But the EA aspect needs to be discussed. What did he get from her that isn't in the marraige.

I remember a friend admitting to me after he had an emotional affair, that after decades in a marriage it was just wonderful to spend time with someone who hadn't heard all his stories before so found them funny, who wasn't bored by his opinions on life but wanted to discuss them. Is it possible that you need to recharge your relationship?

She's loving elaborating and telling you all the gory details of their affair. She's also sizing up her competition.

More misogynistic, projected claptrap.

When people expose something, particularly to the person most affected they don't expect to (nor should they) say " your husband's had an affair with me for 3 yrs, byyeee!!!". They feel they should proof, the spouse most often wants proof.

She had not elaborated, she has given proof.

If she made it clear how much he misrepresented they marriage to her, that's fair enough too. He conned her (she only realised the extent of the con when he dumped her, and expected to go with life as normal with his wife who no doubt she was made to think he'd leave). His spouse deserves to know how he represented their marriage and life together).

Thinking she's sizing up the competition lol. Ow know when they do this their bridges are burnt.

The bottom line is that she wouldn't have anything in the slightest to contact op about or tell her if ops husband hadn't embarked on an affair with her.

And her screenshots have shown how manipulative and almost coercive he was too .... which is an important factor for op deciding whether he's a suitable partner in life to continue with.

If he hasn;t slept with her, it's because he is profoundly attached to you and values family life and your marriage

He's got ED.

He talked about giving her oral sex on his desk

Smh.

And if that was true he wouldn't be messing with a student at his uni, pressurng her for nude pics, sending her porn, telling her lots of extremely personal information about his marriage & life etc etc.

This head had been mind blowing interns of some responses/opinions and one of the most frustrating I have ever encountered on this forum. Thankfully it's only a minority of posters who have posted stiff like this.