Affair with student

[yellowdungarees]

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

@MMmomDD

Her ‘motive’ - sudden onset of consciousness is extremely suspicious. She is clearly after revenge.

He didn’t actually sleep with her, despite that being an easy option. He enjoyed attention and some degree of closeness.

Didn't sleep with her but did the following:

She’s sent screenshots of him requesting nudes, and her being reluctant. He was sulking that she said no, and told her that she’s not who he thought she was because she was “all talk”. She ended up sending pics to keep him happy because she didn’t want to disappoint him.

Would you really stay with a man who pressured a woman to send nudes, didn't respect her saying no, sulked to pressure into doing it, shit talked her when she didn't and coerced her into finally doing it?

Then presumably got sexual gratification from said nudes?

Your standards must be on the floor if so.

Staying with someone who literally sexually harasses with someone is unfathomable to me. It's a mark of someone's character. Of their fundamental self.

I would rather my partner cheated on me sexting a willing partner than someone hesitant who said no and then he pressured.

I wouldn't stay with him either way but the first would make me not respect him for weakness while the second would make me not respect him for weakness and see him as predatory and someone who sexually harasses people. Because that's what he did.

Being turned on by nudes from someone who didn't want to send them to you and had to be guilt tripped into doing so is so fucked up.

Nice people, fundamentally nice decent people, wouldn't ever do that.

Staying with someone who literally sexually harasses with someone is unfathomable to me. It's a mark of someone's character. Of their fundamental self.

I find that bad, but I actually find the denigrating of her mental health and character even worse when the affair was exposed. It reminds me of so many cases where abused etc women (inc those abused as kids) were (successfully) painted as unstable, malicious etc. by the men who abused them and their allies.

It's sinister and truly despicable.

Even worse it seens like he elicited and mirrored re. mental health issues, told her he suffered from poor mh and suicidal thoughts etc. .. got her confiding about hers (if true) and then tried to use that to malign and undermine her when she exposed their affair.

Then there's the using it to make out he stayed in contact and dying cut her off before because he was afraid she'd commit suicide. The woman he was sexting and pressuring for nude pics during the 3 years (while engaging in an emotional affair, having fed her cheater narrative 101) and whose welfare he frankly doesn't seem to give a fk about.

*didn't cut her off

Oh I agree that's also abhorrent.

There's a lot about this man that is indicative he's not a nice person. And is manipulative.

And to be honest, the fact he's so fucking predictable is so unattractive too.

She's mad / she was obsessed with me / she said she would hurt herself if I stopped seeing her etc. Always the same. The script. Do they go to classes or something? Amazing their excuses are always the same.

He sounds vile.

@LooseGoose22

My cynicism does extend to both.
As I already said - he is a cliche and pushed his luck with a young woman who showed interest. Pathetic and all.
But I am also not just going to let her off the hook just because she is a woman. Instead of living a life of a young woman - she chose to hang around and wait for a much older guy, who gave her very little.
And torturing the poor W with screenshots - all because he stopped paying her attention - I am sorry - it’s just vindictive and evil.

As to your massive protection of what an older guy can do with a younger woman from your personal experience with one guy - well. That was your one experience. Not all older guys with ED are that guy.

None of this matters, really. OP will feel what she feels and it’s her life that needs to make sense to her.

OP is younger than I assumed she was. So being early 40s and with a H so much older, and with ED - and by the sound of it the relationship not being great - I’d probably be thinking about leaving while I am still young to meet someone with who I could have a more full life.

You have to wonder I someone so lacking in integrity, whom op said she always felt was too fond of admiration etc from female students, truly hasn't done something like this before (and maybe they just walked away without exposing it, as many people do).

Do you not view his behaviour as described here as sexual coercion @MMmomDD?

she was obsessed with me

My sisters cheating ex had a lot of people obsessed with him, including men.

It was truly phenomenal how many "stalkers" he'd attract.

And very coincidental that he'd have condoms (which he and my sister didn't use) in his bag, and labels for lingerie, and received texts saying "what's your game, mate, thought you enjoyed too", and had rumours about him that he was having sexual encounters with men in pub toilets etc etc.

But the poor man was just plagued by unstable people who were obsessed with him.

You're wasting your time with that one Well. I've never been able to work out if they're just a troll.

If Joseph Fritzl's wife came on here, they'd somehow see his side and be encouraging her to stay or at the very least be open minded about it.

Agreed. That poster has determinedly ignored the fact that the H pressurised the student for nude photos despite it being pointed out to them several times. It doesn’t fit with the narrative they’re presenting, that’s the only explanation I can think of.

@wellhelloitsme

I think we are so quick to throw around judgements. Coercion….. let’s see

If a boy was using social pressure on my 16yo to get nudes. Yes - coercion. Teenage girls are influenceable and don’t quite known how to navigate the word of males.

I do expect more from a 28yo. He was clearly just being an idiot, and trying his luck. She wasn’t forced. It was a choice to go along with it. It all goes back to her getting something from this ‘relationship’.

In the way I see coercion - this wasn’t it. Coercion requires there being some power one person has over another. She didn’t do it out of fear.

Now - choosing to share all of that with his W - with details that are clearly painful for her - why. Just why.

I’d also question - if that woman actually felt coerced or hurt in any way - and was actually still his student when he asked for nudes (timing is unclear on that) - what exactly stopped her from reporting it?
One email would have ended his career and stoped unwanted advances.

Instead she continued her ‘relationship’ with him. And only decided to clear repent to his W once he stopped their contact.

He is clearly an idiot. But the woman isn’t some blameless victim either

I hate to add fuel to the fire, but could there be more than one "favourite"?

Stop all contact with this woman. You'll be being sent screenshots that play to her narrative. You will not see the larger picture. She has chosen to blow his life up, her choice and he put himself in this position, but it doesn't matter how 'nice' she appears to be her intentions are FAR from nice. I've seen many many OW, make these phone calls, claim they 'hate the man', 'can't bear what they've done' 'they were manipulated' blah blah blah and then once the primary relationship implodes, they claim their 'prize'. I don't subscribe to poor vulnerable woman vs predatory powerful man either. I've seen first hand some extremely conniving, manipulative and controlling women who move heaven and earth to get 'their man'. Not saying this is the case here, but I certainly don't fall on one side. But she MUST NOT receive any more of your time, she is irrelevant!

Please don't compare yourself to her either, some women can be extremely good at curating pics on sm and we can compare ourselves to a fantasy image. Even if she did look like that, she's not you, you are wonderful and you are the one he wanted to stay with, whether he gets that or not us up to you.

I totally agree you need space. You also need to get a timeline, full access to all emails and messages sent from him, you need as full a picture as possible. If he's playing victim ask him for proof of this. If he's not prepared to give you this then quite frankly he can take a running jump because three years of betrayal and you totally unaware is a man very capable of compartmentalisation and deception.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Oh please all that “imbalance of power” stuff is complete waffle unless it’s a head of state or something. I mean really “I just couldn’t freely consent, because he was ….. a college professor” - and that from a 28 year old woman, it’s truly pathetic. College professors don’t have some awesome power and the reality is she was attracted to him because he was her professor.

And you can say it’s wrong for either sex but I’ve never heard a grown man say they couldn’t consent to a relationship with their professor at 28 ffs. It’s just some rather pathetic women who want to punish men for their own crappy choices.

It isn't that he's 'a' college professor - he's HER college professor. He holds cards that she can't - he might provide bad or no references for her, for example, or under-mark her work, or just spread the word in their field that she's unreliable or a plagiarist or whatever else he likes and prevent her from moving on to another institution or course. If you think this sort of shit doesn't still happen, then I'd say you're quite naive.

I've seen first hand some extremely conniving, manipulative and controlling women who move heaven and earth to get 'their man'. Not saying this is the case here, but I certainly don't fall on one side.

Sorry posted too soon.

The messages don't display that dynamic but by all means, ignore that.

Also so what you've seen conniving predatory other women.

We've all seen predatory & cheating men - in every walk of life, every scenario, over and over.

The vast vast vast majority of women do not get involved with attached men who portray their rekationship as solid and act accordingly. They portray themselves as not single but actually/really single. They act not single, they've engagebow physically and emotionally, they ceste a dynamic of competition/pick me, (whether they intend to or not), the ow often ends up (when he throws her under a bus sooner or later and she realised she's been scammed) very angry, bitter etc.

In extreme cases, where the ow has mental issues, personalty disorders etc., she can become a danger to his partner, like the Joey Buttafuco case, and a case in my region where ow tried tk murder the partner.
That is the effect of the "mate competition" situation he's created (or at the very least contributed heavily to) on mentally ill women. The effect on women from there down the scale towards "no" mh issues (which let's face it is v uncommon, esp given certain circumstances) can be seen in situations like this.

Married cheaters are scammers, people don't like to be scammed, you can expect them to be angry, bitter, and vengeful.

Oh and I don't think this young woman is trying to end up with her "prize" (what a prize), I think she knows that doing this is likely to burn any bridges.

She may well be manipulative but it doesn't change what he did. And that's the part which the OP needs to focus on. She's seen the type of messages he's sent her, the confidences he's betrayed. And it is an abuse of power - he was her teacher.
Once this becomes known, his employer is going to have to go through all his marking. Now I'd assume that tutors don't mark final grades for people they actually teach, but potentially he has done this before so who knows whose grades have passed through his hands. And there are lots of subtle ways to influence outcomes for students.
This is likely to get very messy. I wouldn't be standing by him when it does!

The very context he chooses to cheat in is predatory, with big age gaps and authority on his side, and influence over their success on their course.

Also a young woman who went to do a degree (?) later than average is likely likely have had a rougher/more difficult path than average; compared to the standard, smooth, progress to uni from a levels at 18 scenario.

When grooming communicating with her he suddenly had mh issues, possibly in line with hers, that his wife is wholly unaware of.

A mid 50s man, with children this young woman's age, has every advantage of experience, maturity, perspective .... he chose to exercise none.

His professional ethics should have affected him, they chose to ignore those too. Pressuring a woman nearly 30 yrs younger, a student for nude pics, manipulating her into providing them (using abuser tactics), telling her he'd like to eat her out on his desk.
That's not even somebody ignoring the ethics problem in having sexual interaction/contact with a student in his work place; that's someone revelling in it.

And the op has said she's always felt he was too prone to enjoying attention and admiration from the young woman he comes into contact with.

But by all means, continue (against all evidence and sense) to try to portray her as they equal or greater predator.

Deep sigh, I've read everything, my advice is to the original poster, still stands, Having a different opinion to some on here doesn't mean I want to spend hours debating it. I want to help the OP.

She should not have anymore contact with her, ask her husband to hand over all access to emails and messages to get the truth of this and I personally would be very sceptical of staying with a man who had been this duplicitous. As I wrote.

*His professional ethics should have affected him, he chose to ignore those too.

I want to help the OP.

The "equally likely to be conniving, predatory other woman" narrative doesn't help op.

And is misogynistic, because you present it, while omitting to mention the greater number of predatory, cheating men in the world.

"Deep sigh" .... as if anyone cares 🙄

You don't need or want to debate; don't post then. Or ignore posts (naturally) rebutting your ridiculous ones.

This is an advice forum, not as far as I'm aware a debate forum. I gave my advice.