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Original poster

Affair with student

325 replies

yellowdungarees · 12/07/2022 13:18

I received a Facebook message from a woman who claims that she and my husband of 10+ years have been having an emotional affair for the past 3 years. H is a college professor and she is (or was) a mature student. The age gap between them is 28 years which makes me sick to my stomach. He is 56.

This woman has said thing in the message that there is no way she could know about unless he’d told her. Personal things about me, our marriage and (worst of all) our children. She claims that they never slept together but that they were involved emotionally and there was definitely a sexual element to it in that they fancied the pants off of one another and that they had things in common.

I confronted him and he admitted to it (how could he not?!) but stated that she is mentally unwell and that she leaned on him for support so he wanted to help her. But 3 years?! Even after she graduated, they carried on seeing each other. He’s been to her house several times. They’ve been on days out together. She said that he told her that he loved her. He said that she was obsessed with him and the only reason he carried on is because he was afraid that she would kill herself.

I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t take care of our children. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 21:39

I don’t know why my post was cut short earlier. I meant to say that he was sulking when she didn’t comply, and told her that she’s not who he thought she was because she was “all talk”. She ended up sending pics to keep him happy because she didn’t want to disappoint him. There’s also screenshots of him sending links to porn videos and asking her to send him her favourites. He told her that he wanted to go down on her while she sat on his desk.

I don’t know what I feel right now but it’s not anger. I’m numb and I feel physically ill. I cant look at him in the same way and I never will. He disgusts me. I’m also younger than him (by 15 years) and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. Lots of men have approached me in my line of work and he’s always been ridiculously jealous and has accused me of flirting and being over friendly with colleagues. How fucking dare he.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 21:39

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Thank you for that excellent post.

TheVanguardSix · 13/07/2022 21:43

I really think he needs to leave the house for a while- go stay with family. You go nowhere. You stay in the home with the children. He needs to temporarily leave and give you major breathing space.

You are a) facing a massive trauma- he's hurled a nailbomb into the heart of your marriage and b) this has potential to get legal and ugly.
Block her. You have enough information from her (and him). You don't need to communicate with her anymore.
Get him out of the house.
You need peace, silence, and to get your head around this and face what has happened.
Make no major decisions.
Just sit with this for a while... but do get him out of the house.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 21:43

yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 21:39

I don’t know why my post was cut short earlier. I meant to say that he was sulking when she didn’t comply, and told her that she’s not who he thought she was because she was “all talk”. She ended up sending pics to keep him happy because she didn’t want to disappoint him. There’s also screenshots of him sending links to porn videos and asking her to send him her favourites. He told her that he wanted to go down on her while she sat on his desk.

I don’t know what I feel right now but it’s not anger. I’m numb and I feel physically ill. I cant look at him in the same way and I never will. He disgusts me. I’m also younger than him (by 15 years) and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. Lots of men have approached me in my line of work and he’s always been ridiculously jealous and has accused me of flirting and being over friendly with colleagues. How fucking dare he.

Aw op.

Projection, clearly.

You couldn't know til you knew.
You know now.

You will be ok.

Original poster
yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 21:45

I know I should stop messaging her but I can’t. While she’s feeding me all of this new information, with screenshots to back it up, I can’t ignore that. She doesn’t seem unhinged in the slightest. Is it weird that I have no bad feelings towards her when she knew full well that he had a family? I keep scrolling through her Facebook and looking at her pictures, torturing myself. She’s the complete opposite of me - blonde, tall, curvy. I don’t know why they matters but it seems to.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 21:47

he was sulking when she didn’t comply, and told her that she’s not who he thought she was because she was “all talk”. She ended up sending pics to keep him happy

This sort of behaviour alongside him (when caught) calling her unstable and mentally ill, and trying to use her having had suicidal feelings against her (or is it just BS he thought she could commit suicide) ...... alongside telling her he had mental health problems/had felt suicidal, apparently falsely...... he's just a real piece of shit.

Very manipulative and exploitative.

Riseabove · 13/07/2022 21:48

I’m so sorry op, this must be utterly heartbreaking. Is he begging for forgiveness? He bloody well ought to be

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 21:52

Is it weird that I have no bad feelings towards her when she knew full well that he had a family?

You're still in shock and may feel differently in time.

But I think youre a very decent, fair person to not blame her.

To me, there's been an unfair power dynamic - both age/experience and positions in University. Then he seems to have been quite manipulative towards her. And he seems to have told her a lot of bad stuff about his home life that made her fall for the "he's v unhappy, itsx not a real marriage, he's leaving sooner or later" narrative

InFiveMins · 13/07/2022 21:54

Do yourself a favour and LTB. You deserve better.

OldFan · 13/07/2022 21:55

She ended up sending pics to keep him happy because she didn’t want to disappoint him. There’s also screenshots of him sending links to porn videos and asking her to send him her favourites. He told her that he wanted to go down on her while she sat on his desk.

I had a married lover with ED. We didn't really have penetrative sex, but there was a lot of 'sex,' oral etc.

So I would suggest @yellowdungarees , that them claiming not to have sex might be along the same lines as saying 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky' and they did everything but penetration.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 21:56

I keep scrolling through her Facebook and looking at her pictures, torturing myself. She’s the complete opposite of me - blonde, tall, curvy. I don’t know why they matters but it seems to.

That is pointless.

If it wasn't her, it would someone else.

And this whole thing was exposed because he dropped her.

Also who knows if he's done similar before and the just did what some (crap) posters think a discarded affair partner who's been fed a crock of shit should do; say nothing.

It's not really rhe person who matters.

OldFan · 13/07/2022 21:57

I agree with PP's that he's exploited a somewhat vulnerable woman, and also taken advantage of his position.

SkeletonFight · 13/07/2022 22:01

I'm sorry but your H doesn't sound like a very good man. All this stuff he is saying about her now but this continued for three years??

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 22:01

I had a married lover with ED. We didn't really have penetrative sex, but there was a lot of 'sex,' oral etc.

I think this young woman would have saud that, if they had. She seems to be putting it all the table. It's clear she feels very used, wants his wife to know what he's done, what he's like, and i doubt she'd hold that back.

Also, your affair partner clearly dudbt mind the potential embarrassment/humiliation of admitting erectile dysfunctional. I can imagine it would be a different case here with this beautiful, nearly 30 trs younger woman who he's got looking uo to him through his Jon.

wellhelloitsme · 13/07/2022 22:03

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 21:47

he was sulking when she didn’t comply, and told her that she’s not who he thought she was because she was “all talk”. She ended up sending pics to keep him happy

This sort of behaviour alongside him (when caught) calling her unstable and mentally ill, and trying to use her having had suicidal feelings against her (or is it just BS he thought she could commit suicide) ...... alongside telling her he had mental health problems/had felt suicidal, apparently falsely...... he's just a real piece of shit.

Very manipulative and exploitative.

This.

What a horrible, manipulative man.

He likes seeing younger women enthralled by him.

Just bleurgh.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 22:03

*who he's got looking up to him through his job

dreamingbohemian · 13/07/2022 22:06

I'm so sorry OP. He is such an asshole.

Of course you are numb, who could believe someone could be so awful.

I agree with making him leave the house and giving you space for a while.

ImAvingOops · 13/07/2022 22:15

He's bullied her into doing things she wasn't comfortable with. There's no coming back from that imo.
I think you need to get him out of your house. I'd be threatening to tell his employer myself - he's not someone who should be in a position of authority over these women's grades.
What he's done here isn't the same as a straightforward affair. That's bad enough but his behaviour is abusive.

Original poster
yellowdungarees · 13/07/2022 22:20

I’ve told him that I don’t want him to come home tomorrow. I need the weekend to get my head together and think about what I should do. I’m going to talk to my sister but I know that will be the point of no return for the wider family. He’s not even begging for forgiveness or apologising. He’s acting as though hes the victim and like she bombarded him with attention and messages for the past 3 years whilst he just went along with it because he was worried she’d do something stupid. Apparently her contacting me is proof that she’s crazy.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 13/07/2022 22:25

He's trying to rewrite history now to make it seem like none of this is his fault. It's a good thing you've seen screenshots. You know that how he's spinning it, isn't the truth.

ImAvingOops · 13/07/2022 22:30

Her contacting you isn't proof that she's crazy, it's proof that she's pissed off! She's throwing a bomb into his life because she thinks he's abused his position/treated her like shit. And judging by some of those messages, she's not wrong! But he's done as bad to you. I think you will get angry when the shock wears off.
Probably messaging her anymore is not going to help you - you already know everything you need to make a judgement.
Id start moving money where he can't get at it, in preparation for him losing his job or getting arsey with you if you don't fall into line.

007DoubleOSeven · 13/07/2022 22:52

He's told you everything you need to know about him. I would believe a word he says, I think he's lying through his teeth.

Your latest posts just say all the more to me that you'd be better off without him, but that's for you to decide. And you don't have to rush to make any decision, take all the time you need.

The thing is: you're in control now, you hold the cards.

wellhelloitsme · 13/07/2022 23:09

Official descriptions of sexual harassment include:

Pressuring someone to share a nude image or video of themselves by repeatedly sending them messages

Calling people names using offensive or discriminatory sexual language being bullied because of their actual/perceived gender or sexual orientation sharing a link to a website that contains sexualised content

Pressuring her to send pictures and bad mouthing / guilt tripping her when she said no means your husband isn't just a wanker, he's sexually harassed a woman.

A woman he claims was mentally ill, vulnerable and suicidal.

We know she likely wasn't but now you've seen the messages he sent pressuring her for explicit materials and have his description of her mental state, even by his own admission (which is bullshit) the facts you know plus his version of events mean best case scenario he was pressuring, manipulating and guilt tripping a vulnerable suicidal woman into sending him sexual pictures of herself and sulking her when she didn't.

What a fucking cunt.

I couldn't look at him much less stay with him.

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 23:23

i am a cynic.

I think you mixed up the words cynic and misogynist there Mom.

Funny how your cynicism only extends to the female in the situation.

Where is your bumbling, stumbling older man now ... "send me nudes .... no? You're all talk!".

LooseGoose22 · 13/07/2022 23:28

Not to mention him saying he wanted to eat her out on his desk.

If, big if, ahe or any other students were attracted to him because of the power dynanic/context as you've said; it appears very much that he's turned on by that himself.

But the poor dear is clearly being stalked abd seduced by these predatory, crush laden young hussles.

Not to mention their personality disorders, eh. Diagnosed by hippo so must be true.

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