Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

OP - I’m in the camp that would like to see you kick him into touch.

Remember he cared nothing for you when he was rushing to shack up with the OW. He wasn’t sorry or regretful. He took no responsibility - he didn’t even have the balls to admit the affair was on him. Instead he shat over you and your marriage, repeatedly, copiously and from a great height. He was gratuitously cruel. As a PP said, in some ways that’s worse than the affair because it destroys everything you thought you had. My dad had multiple affairs but at least he owned that it was bad behaviour on his part. (Mum divorced him in the end because he wouldn’t stop).

BUT the main point is that you don’t have to make a decision now. Don’t rush to counselling with him. And even if you decide to have him back in the long term, make him work for it before you show him any indulgence. For months, not a few days or weeks.

Another vote for telling him to fuck off. Might I suggest as well that you don’t actually love this lying, cheating bastard? Perhaps you love the man you thought he was not the disgusting excuse for a human being, that he actually is. Just to point out, that I’ve never met him, I am only responding to what you’ve posted. 💐

Been there done that, nothing ever changes. In my experience and having seen this many times with others:

1. husband gets bored / dissatisfied with life for whatever reason

2. husband starts fights and criticism of wife in order to create an air of conflict and general malaise around the house

3. if wife tries hard to make things work she’s clingy, if she leaves him to it / refuses to participate in fights she’s cold

4. husband cheats and blames either the clinginess or coldness

5. they split up and husband has someone ti blame

6. (optional) then sometimes they get back together again as the other woman chucks him out or he realises she’s not a nice person (as most women who go after other people’s husbands are not great humans), goes back to wife…

…and repeat from stage 1.

what have i never ever ever seen: a stage 7 when things that were broken (husband’s disappointment with life) get fixed.

what i have seen often is where the 2 people separate and go on to have amazing fulfilled relationships with other people, realising that the person they thought they loved was not really the love of their lives, but a practice round.

my parents had a similar situation about when I was an older teenager.
my dad basically messed up - badly. But he repented down the line, and they got back together about a year later.
they are now back together (for about 10 years, now married about 35) and not perfect by any stretch but happier than ever enjoying retirement together - it’s so lovely to see them flourish. At the time I couldn’t believe they were getting back together but now I’m glad that my mum found it in her heart to forgive my dad for the sake of their marriage and their vows - it means that we as their children when we have children will be able to have grandparents together. they worked through their problems it wasn’t easy but they got there.

i know every situation is totally different but I just wanted to share a little story of hope.

i wish you all the best x

Your choice OP. One thing I always say to friends who are contemplating taking back ex’s is don’t let friends or family be the thing that stops you, if you really want it. They will get over it. But at the same time I agree with everyone here, why has it taken him since March to realise it was all a big mistake? It doesn’t take 4 months to know you’ve made a big mistake. Had he come back after 1wk I’d be more inclined to believe him. Also don’t let him try and tell you that you’re denying the kids a chance to grow up with a 2 parent family, he caused all this. Don’t forget how you felt when he was blaming an affair on you! I mean that’s pretty shocking. Lots of love

She’s thrown him out and he wants to come back to everything that’s familiar and comforting. Tell him to fuck off and start divorce proceedings. He’s done it once - he’ll do it again and he’ll have the same excuses when it fails. Save yourself the pain and anguish of trying to trust him - you won’t be able to. Every time he’s late home from work, every time he rings you to say he needs to break an engagement and every time he protects his phone from you, you’ll wonder. Not worth it.

Who’s organising the counselling?

for me it be a hard no.

OW has recently dumped him not 2 weeks in.

he knows financially he’s fucked.

an affair will eat at you, seriously as you wonder if he’s out there doing it again and again. You’ll check his phone, you’ll not trust him 100% ever again. It’ll be there in the back of your mind all the time.

Do you want that?

Do you want that for the kids

Remember him at his worst as that’s the real him as he’ll be of once again if the “right” woman comes along. He’ll blame you to as you’ve let him away with it once.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

She's dumped him. His shiny new life is over and he thinks you'll just let him walk back in until the next time, because of course he'll do it again.

When someone shows you who they are. Listen. Believe actions not words OP. Talk is cheap.

BE VERY WARY OF COUNSELLING WITH HIM
My friends DH did exactly this and then the counsellor validated his 'breakdown' found endless fault with her etc. It took her 6 months to see that the counsellor was actually being an agent of his gaslighting and abuse. She got rid and then found out he'd been sexing another woman the entire time that he was trying to 'win her back'. These men do not change. He did not have a mental breakdown, he had an affair and read you the script. This is more of the same. I'd arrange an appointment with a financial mediator and the blankly say "oh I thought you meant counselling to get our divorce terms sorted'. Fuck him.

Absolutely nothing good can come out of it. You have done the hardest bit already. Don't take a step back.

+1 to this.
Also I just reread your OP and this line stood out.

'I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.'

I very much doubt it, that it would be more amicable. It also means that you would both be going to counselling with two completely different aims. He will very likely turn even nastier than he was before he left you, if you refuse to bow down to his demands.

Stay strong, OP, and don't rush into ANYTHING. Like many others I believe that he wants to come back because it suits him and his needs. And that's all that counts, in his mind.

This nasty dicjhesd can't even beg for a reconciliation without letting it skip the op is second choice.

We're not compatible so I'm back at your door. ..... if we were, i wouldn't be. You're 2nd choice, you're fall back girl.

So much wisdom here. YYY to all of it.

If you do go to the counseling, bring a puke bag. You may well end up doing more than throwing up in your mouth.

Here's what happened.

He shagged someone else a few times because he was bored and she was pretty and he could get away with it. He created this fantasy in his head that you were an awful wife and she is amazing and perfect and he is totally justified leaving you.

Then he left and realised that his fantasy isn't true. His AP has flaws just like everyone else.

He probably thought about the reality of being poorer, seeing his kids less and not living in a comfortable home. He probably saw a solicitor who told him about your pension, savings etc, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, and realised he was fucked.

He then had an argument with OW because he was feeling shitty about his decisions. That and guess what? She is a normal woman with many flaws and not a perfect manic pixie dream girl trope from a film. She wasn't as exciting when they weren't shagging on the sly. She wasn't as sexy when he had her.

He did a 180 and he ditched her as unceremoniously as he ditched you. He came to you and pathetically begged to take him back, blaming his MH because that's the only thing he could think of that's a "free pass".

He thinks you'll take him back and everything will go back to normal because you're a nice person and you're married and have kids. He thinks he can spin what happened and rewrite history again.

In all likelihood that's what happened here.

Why oh why would you take this "man" back??? Move on and be free.

Don't do it!!! I fell for this rubbish, you are just dragging out the hurt! He has shown you what a piece of shit he really is, don't let this act say otherwise.

And yeah, no offence, i don't know why your mind's blown - because he's a walking cliche.

Did you actually believe the character assassination he did to justify to himself that he'd cheated on you and was leaving you.

That was BS, just like everything ges saying now.

I would say four words.

'Off you fuck, sunshine.'

Grass isn't greener.

I think that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to forget the cruel, cruel things he said to you and how he treated you.

Some things can't be forgiven. How can you ever trust someone who was able so hurl such vile things at you?

Everyone tells me off for this but it actually works.
If someone is trying to have an argument or council you and you think they are wrong, do not argue with them AGREE with them, that you see their point then say BUT and you get to say your piece.
OP I left and I was wrong it was all a mistake and I want to come back.
You. to Him, Well I am glad you see you made a mistake but I think we need time and to continue the Divorce, I am sure if you have changed your actions will show it.
Him but I want to come home we can make it work.
You, While I can see you would like to come home , I still feel we need time apart and to process what has happened.

Echoing the sentiments above. RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.
He is not worthy of you and your entire life will be waiting for the same thing to happen.

I agrée with all the above TotallyUninspired.
A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots.

Did you manage to pay the mortgage and the other bills when he left you in the lurch?
The first time it happened to me, my solicitor told me to save very secretly, it came in very handy ten years later.

The things he said to you originally are unforgivable. Even more so than the affair. Send him packing.

Oh, OP!! Come oooooooooonnn!!

She's clearly dumped the waste of space and now he's kissing your arse because he doesn't have anywhere else to go!!

Don't be a doormat, OP!! He's manipulating you because he thinks you're either stupid, desperate or still into him.

Tell him to fuck right off, the cheating git!

I believe so

That, and his nose grew about a metre in length as he was stood there, snivelling, on the doorstep, polishing his brass neck

Look @TotallyUninspired I am inclined to agree with many previous posters to not believe a word he is saying.

I do know a few couples where the DH left the wife for a younger woman and then very quickly come crawling back. They all went to counselling and the men then totally committed to the wife and the marriage. The men were completely besotted and grateful to their wives for taking them back.

So it can work but very much depends on the individuals involved so only you can answer that