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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mind. Blown.

415 replies

TotallyUninspired · 11/07/2022 17:04

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 11/07/2022 21:00

Bollindger · 11/07/2022 20:23

Everyone tells me off for this but it actually works.
If someone is trying to have an argument or council you and you think they are wrong, do not argue with them AGREE with them, that you see their point then say BUT and you get to say your piece.
OP I left and I was wrong it was all a mistake and I want to come back.
You. to Him, Well I am glad you see you made a mistake but I think we need time and to continue the Divorce, I am sure if you have changed your actions will show it.
Him but I want to come home we can make it work.
You, While I can see you would like to come home , I still feel we need time apart and to process what has happened.

Nah.

Save your breathe.

just say My Field of Fucks is Baron.

daisychain01 · 11/07/2022 21:01

"Crawling" is a word designed just for men like the OPs husband.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 11/07/2022 21:05

He prefers being with another woman to being at home with his children. Not much of a dad. They must realise that he values his d* more than them. Poor kids.

Don't inflict this weakass on them. Take all his money and be a lone tiger mum.

WisteriaLodge · 11/07/2022 21:05

Please don't cave OP, you've come so far now, a bit of sweet talking and using the mental health card and he thinks he's got his feet under the table,

WisteriaLodge · 11/07/2022 21:07

Plus he didn't give a toss about your mental health at the time did he?

UniversalAunt · 11/07/2022 21:07

He’s an adult.

He played a game with high stakes, he bet everything he had - you, your children, family life - on a whim that everything would go his way.

He lost the bet.
The house/bookies do not give the stake back if the gambler looses.

He cannot come back, what he had is no longer there, he cannot turn back time.
What is done is done.
He has smashed what you had into a thousand pieces, it can never be put back the same.

Moonchair1 · 11/07/2022 21:08

Absolutely NOT !!!!!

cosmicbabe · 11/07/2022 21:10

If you take him back you will regret it. I've been there. Never works. Trust has gone. You deserve better. Good luck OP I really know how you feel and it's horrible xxx

SistersRdoingit4themselves · 11/07/2022 21:11

@1000yardstare You got it. Spot on. They show there true colours when you dont back down.

Kennykenkencat · 11/07/2022 21:15

I am the only person he can truly be himself with

Well he is telling you who he is

Being himself is a nasty mean selfish cunt who couldn’t give a flying fuck about you or the children and who will drop you in a moment and run off with the latest person who has agreed he can get his leg over and justify it all by saying it is your fault

Why would you want to be in the same room as this person
Sort the financials out and get divorced and find someone who puts you first.

Read this paragraph and count the number of times you say “He”

He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance

All this is about him. There isn’t an apology or anything about how you or the children felt no one else comes into the equation.

This is about wanting a roof over his head and a return to the status quo, until the next time

BettyOBarley · 11/07/2022 21:16

Please don't take him back OP. You and your DC deserve so much better than that.
She's obviously dumped his sorry arse so he's come crawling back, but he told you what he really thought of you when he went - listen to it and don't let him break your heart twice 💐

TreePoser · 11/07/2022 21:16

You're mad to even consider counselling. After what he did to you?
A stranger wouldn't treat you that badly.

Pkwi · 11/07/2022 21:17

OP, you will NEVER trust this man again.

Don't do it to yourself.

JetBlackSteed · 11/07/2022 21:17

The key thing that jumps out in your OP is "the financials aren't sorted" (my paraphrasing), so that means they are on the table.

He has just realised how expensive it is going to be for him in a divorce, and he's hoping to get back to where he was with you and the kids and your nice life. And him with a bit on the side, but next time he won't be so stupid as to leave you for her. He had best of both worlds before he left and that's what he wants back. Not you, for yourself.

I would bet money he dumped the OW, and not after two weeks. Once him and his solicitors had gone through the numbers.

sorry.

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/07/2022 21:20

Be strong OP, I was in this position with an ex, no kids thankfully. I took him back and we lasted another 4 years but the trust was gone and I was always wondering what he was up to, it eats away at you and, in my case, turned me into an insecure wreck. When I found out he had done it again I felt like the wasted years were entirely of my own doing. Be strong now, you won’t regret it. There are good men out there.

Onthedunes · 11/07/2022 21:27

In the animal world, it is now your time to go in for the kill.

Do it.

Time for his consequenses.
Kick him in the teeth when he most needs you, that's what he did to you.

Cheeky fucker isn't he ?

LooseGoose22 · 11/07/2022 21:28

Twattergy · 11/07/2022 19:34

So much good advice here. I found this interesting "I am the only person he can truly be himself with". Well that's very nice for him...but what about you? Can you truly be yourself ever again with this man? Someone who told you how awful you are? Who walked away from your children so cruelly?

Very true.

He is a right bastard - character assassination in you, probably had you believing it.

But now he can be with you again, as long as he feels OK, he's comfortable. Having tried to destroy your comfort with yourself (if you'd let him).

The soundtrack to hos life appears to ve "its all about me"

LooseGoose22 · 11/07/2022 21:29

*character assassination of you

Onthedunes · 11/07/2022 21:30

JetBlackSteed · 11/07/2022 21:17

The key thing that jumps out in your OP is "the financials aren't sorted" (my paraphrasing), so that means they are on the table.

He has just realised how expensive it is going to be for him in a divorce, and he's hoping to get back to where he was with you and the kids and your nice life. And him with a bit on the side, but next time he won't be so stupid as to leave you for her. He had best of both worlds before he left and that's what he wants back. Not you, for yourself.

I would bet money he dumped the OW, and not after two weeks. Once him and his solicitors had gone through the numbers.

sorry.

And definitely this.

LooseGoose22 · 11/07/2022 21:31

JetBlackSteed · 11/07/2022 21:17

The key thing that jumps out in your OP is "the financials aren't sorted" (my paraphrasing), so that means they are on the table.

He has just realised how expensive it is going to be for him in a divorce, and he's hoping to get back to where he was with you and the kids and your nice life. And him with a bit on the side, but next time he won't be so stupid as to leave you for her. He had best of both worlds before he left and that's what he wants back. Not you, for yourself.

I would bet money he dumped the OW, and not after two weeks. Once him and his solicitors had gone through the numbers.

sorry.

This too.

There could be a financial motivation to this as well.

sausagepastapot · 11/07/2022 21:32

You deserve so much better than this. Get away from this lying scumbag forever. You will be so much happier without him, the lying snivelling shit. If you get back together, he will a million per cent do it again, and again and again. Why put yourself though it? Get away.

NumberTheory · 11/07/2022 21:35

I think you should tell him you're not ready for a joint counseling session yet (you don't have to tell him you might never be) and instead get some counseling just for you first. If as part of that you realise you want to try a session with him them do it. But only if you think you'll get something from it.

He was cruel to you when you didn't know. Brutal once you did. He left and despite only being with her for 2 weeks didn't tell you about it or anything else until now. When, once again, he has had months to think about what he wants while keeping you in the dark and then dumped it all on you leaving you reeling. He isn't thinking about you as a person. He doesn't care what you want or what's best for you. He is seeing you only in terms of how you affect him. What you can do for him. What he wants from you.

Some couples do come back from an affair and a break up and go on to have happy marriages. But many do not. And the biggest predictor of whether someone will have an affair is whether they've had one before.

Tell him he is not to mention even the idea of it to the kids. Take your time. Think about you.

Herejustforthisone · 11/07/2022 21:37

She dumped him.

Tell the pathetic old cliché to fuck off back to his bachelor pad.

Basically it all turned out to be a bit shit and she got fed up and so he wants someone to wash his pants, cook meals and have sex with him on occasion again.

You’re worth so much more and the satisfaction you’ll get telling him to fuck off will last for the rest of your life.

BellePeppa · 11/07/2022 21:38

Just keep in mind that had it worked out with the OW he wouldn’t be going back to you. As others have said, take the validation and move on.

Herejustforthisone · 11/07/2022 21:38

I do fear you’re going to let him get away with this, OP. Please try not to.