Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him

Eh? She was completely unsuited to him? Oh, so next time someone that is more suitable comes along, he'll jump at that chance too? Nothing about you, all about him. What a cunt.

aw love.As much as i understand a return to...not this
it was misold. he might well be sorry,might regret his (dick)actions...esp if been short lived
IT IS NOT,WAS NOT ,And still IS NT anything to do with YOU
leopards/spots.focus on you n kids.dont put yourself back in his picture.
(that said,if you do-i wish you well)

I expect that over the last 4 months you’ve come a long way from the woman who was hurt and devastated by his treatment and his leaving. I’d imagine you’ve started to live again and enjoy not having him around…he’s probably seen that as the door closing on his return, this is his last opportunity to get back in and play nicely for a few weeks, months even, before he goes back to being a ratbag. Honestly, the new stronger you deserves better. Your kids have got used to your new family life, is it not a happier home without him in it?

OW has dumped him
or

he has seen a solicitor and realised the financial implications

no way would I simply allow a man back who was meant to be my life that then without warning treated me like shit, rewrote history and then simply accept his feeble apology. You need to remind yourself of this horror of a man- I would never trust that man ever again. He is likely going to continue having affairs and Piss off once your DC are old enough and he can protect his money

you haven’t won the prize here so don’t think that him returning is ‘I told you so’ moment.

I took mine back after leaving me for another woman. I did so, as I still loved him and wanted to give things one last chance. That was 10 years ago, and things worked out for us. He totally changed once we got back together and focused totally on me and the DCs, and we are strong now. So it worked for me. I think at the time I was thinking what if I didn’t take him back, then massively regretted years down the line. But I’m aware this wouldn’t be for everyone, and I felt for a long time afterwards bitter about what happened. I think you just need to think about what’s best for you, and if giving him another chance might work.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

If and I do mean IF you even consider it tell him you want a post nup.
That he gives up all rights to any assets if he cheats again,

I don’t think for you or the children you should. He will break your heart again. Stay strong xx

The more you don't play along, the more insistent he will become that he loves you, it'll never happen again, blah blah. He will believe it 100% himself so he will be very convincing. But his emotions are not stable. If you are desperate to believe him, you will but you're only letting yourself in for more heartache long term and your kids will be really messed up by it. It's hard to hear I know but it's the truth. I really do wish you well.

THIS.

This 👆

This ^^

He railroaded you. He didn't even ask if he could meet up to talk to you or take you for a drink or anything. He turned up knowing it would blindside you, knowing this this would be the easiest way to get you to capitulate.

If you got back with him, you'd always be the fool he left who took him back the minute the OW binned his sorry arse. You're not a fool - you've already proved that - and you've done the hard bit.

Text him tonight telling him that he caught you off guard and you are not sure about the counselling and need time to consider if you are really interested in any kind of reconciliation - even as friends.

Let him fucking stew.

You know him better than anyone in here.

Joint counselling is a road to hell.
Don't do it
It will just fuck with your head even more

I have nothing for admiration for the posters who took their DH’s back after an affair. It’s not something I could do. Just how do you ever get over the ultimate betrayal of trust? For me it would be game over, even if I loved him. I think over the years the love would slowly turn into resentment and that underlying pain & sadness at losing someone I thought I knew would turn me into the worst version of myself.

You don’t really know him as you thought you did, do you? Does he look like a stranger now?

You should sit with your feelings for a while and listen to what they’re telling you.

Personally, that’s my line in the sand right there.

I think being clear as to where you want to get to will be helpful. Agree with everyone not to throw your lot in with this man again. Next time he has a wobble it will be the same story and you will be left with even less. This is a tale as old as time. But your objective of separating amicably - getting financials sorted out and divorce processed as fairly as possible while implementing a coparenting relationship is a good objective and joint counselling may help to get there so long as you are clear and maintain that objective.

Agree with alllllllll the other posters on here. She's dumped him so he has nowhere to go.
You'll never trust him again and will always be wondering everytime he goes out if he's cheating again.
Move on and stay there. He didn't want you before and betrayed you. No you should be not wanting him.
And yes, I would suspect him of trying to weedle his way back for the best financial deal.
It would be interesting to know the OWs version on this.

Tell him to fuck right off and walk away with your dignity and happiness intact. Do not go to a joint counselling session, this is purely for his benefit, not yours. X

Yeah.
No.
Not a chance.
Totally, how can you tell when MrTotally is lying to you?
He has his mouth open. (And probably his trousers, too.)
It's a hard no from me too.

Pretty much what I was about to say. He has shown his true colours in my opinion. I could never trust him again if I were you. He wants a cushy life back, the one that he had before he left. Nope, nope, nope.

Don’t take him back, he’ll do it again. I speak from experience here. I’m glad I found the strength to kick him out for good after that.

I havent read all of the replies. Too many of them so apologies.
i can understand where ur coming from,
but maybe instead of jumping into counselling or into any contact with him just take your time? You dont have to decide anything right now, u can tell him u need time and u need own therapy now and u will get back to this conversation with him when you can.
the only thing he can do is to wait and give u as much time as needed. He might go crazy and show you true colours but that will only help u make a correct decision.
and take time for urself. Months, a year…find where u stand and if u are able to forgive and build ur life together. If he really wants a life with u he will respect ur decision and give u as much time as needed.

Its quite possible he does feel he's made a mistake. Quite possible he has ended it with her to come back to you because he really was having a mid life crisis and has now realised he was an idiot and regrets it with every fibre of his being. Its quite possible he's in abject misery at losing the life he now realises he really wanted.
But frankly, that's TOO BAD.
When you commit to someone and have children with them, you don't get to try on another life for size while the old one hangs around in the back of the wardrobe in case the new one doesn't fit.
He's a weak selfish man with no self control who didnt hesitate to cruelly manipulate you for his own ends. Forgive him and you're telling him that's OK. So what will he do if another young woman comes along?

10 years ago I was in a similar position and had the same indecision. Everyone told me to kick him into touch but I was concerned that if I did that I would spend the rest of my life thinking ‘what if’. I decided that I wanted to put myself first, to explore couselling and then I would be in a position to make an informed decision on whether to take him back or not. It took another six months but we sorted things out and a decade on we are strong and very much together. I lost a few friends on the way, they couldn’t accept that the decision was mine alone to make, and couldn’t accept the choice I made. I recommend taking your time, making no promises, and putting yourself in control of your life and the decisions you make. Good luck with it.

Go to some counselling by yourself OP. Figure out what you really want.
Take your time. No rush.
You will probably come to realise that you don't in fact love him, it's just habit.

Just focus on you now.