Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

I’ll probably get flamed for this, but - now I’ve had children - my love life/any hint of romance is so far down on my list of priorities, that if DP had an extra marital shag - I think I’d be almost slightly impressed that he’d managed to get himself organised enough to achieve that.

Can you not co-parent, be friends, have him as a companion - but not see him as ‘love partner’.

He’s not telling the truth, he is saying what he thinks will get him what he wants. He probably thought being cruel would end things quicker so he could shack up with his new piece. This man doesn’t know how to be honest so why go to counselling. He’ll just gas light you.

Fuck no, you are the fall back option because the other one didn't work out.

Do not go to joint counselling with him.

How convenient he was just having some kind of mental health crisis.

He had his chance, he blew it, don't be his consolation prize you are worth far more.

I'd have laughed in his face and told him to do one. If you have any self respect you'll cancel the counseling.

Take great pleasure in telling him to fuck off. You will hear again all the abuse you heard the first time round and this will stiffen you resolve. He's lying to you and once trust has gone, so has love.

Think very carefully about your children here. If you decide to give him another chance and it all blows up again (as it is likely to even if he doesn’t cheat again, as how can you really move on from such a betrayal?) they will have to deal with the breakup all over again. They and you have likely made good progress here and are getting used to a new normal. Him bouncing in and out of the family home will be devastating and I speak from personal experience here.

Everything from murder to a broken finger nail is blamed on a mental health crisis nowadays.

I would not assume his latest declaration means amicability. I think if you reject him he'll be back to his cruel ways.

Say the shoe was on the other foot, you cheat on him with a younger guy, leave your family for him while insulting your husbands personality etc all at the same time, have a few months of fun with the new bit… would he welcome you back with open arms??? Absolutely not!! You need to get ANGRY and actually feel insulted he honestly believes after all he has done he can swan back in as if nothing has ever happened and that you will just accept it. Your kids know this has happened, everyone around you knows this has happened. Life will never be the same. I know it feels like all you have wanted to hear for the past few months, but you can still have the satisfaction of being right all along and still say NO FUCK OFF I don’t want nor need you.

The fact he gaslit your and rewrote the script is abusive and it’s advised not to enter into counselling with an abuser.

Another very valid point - the words OP actually used were "very cruel" and "brutal", and that's not a good basis for counselling

Having an affir is abusive. It's a golden rule that you do not enter counselling with someone abusive. The playing field isn't level and you could end up feeling culpable. You are not.

Feel proud of your achievements without him and move on.

You are very brave and dignified.

One step at a time. Going to a counselling session together sounds sensible, but I should suggest that you see the same counsellor for a season before you go to one with him. This will mean that you aren't going somewhere unfamiliar and having a session with someone he knows and you don't. It will also help you decide if you want to go to the joint session.

It is highly likely that your response will be "that ship has sailed". There is some damage that can never be fully repaired. However, if you decide you want to give it another go, then don't let him move back in any time soon. It would need to start with dating - just the two of you without the kids - to see if you can find something in the relationship for you. It is too easy for women to put their children, continuity and the husband who betrayed them before themselves.

Not going to flame, but this is a terrible idea! OP would be resigning herself to a sexless marriage when she's done nothing wrong. Plus you might be less glib if your DP came home and told you he was in love with that extra marital shag and was going to leave you.

I could maybe forgive cheating and having an affair but the way he treated you on top of that and the fact he chose to leave you and the kids to start a new life with her is something I could never forgive.

So if OW hadn’t dumped him he’s admitting that he’s still be with her basically!
I couldn’t spend my life feeling like I was the second best because he no other option.

Do what you think is best for you but remember he is just as likely to do it again and you really need to think about the children involved.
If you chose to give it another go then please give it a good 6 months before agreeing to any counselling or cup of teas then another 6 months on top of that to start a relationship up again, to see if he genuinely wants to get back together or if he’s just wanting a place to stay.

The reason he’s missing you so much is because you didn’t do the pick me dance like so many women do which pushes them further away (and of course he has no where to stay).

All I see and hear from your post that it’s all about HIM… nothing of what he says in your post is anything about you.

more than likely the OW has dumped his pathetic arse and he’s trying to crawl back with his tails between his leg.

If he wanted to leave you he should have and could have, but instead he liked the chase and the mystery of the affair, while you had to put up with month of shite and then the aftermath of him being an adulterer!!!

he doesn’t care about you, he showed that through his behaviour when he was slating you.

Personally he wouldn’t set foot back in my house, never mind my heart.

If he pulled one much younger woman (whether it worked out or not), he knows he can do it; and he may well think the next one could work out better.

Sounds like he's one of the types of men who swaps ol wifey for younger hottie around mid life crisis age.

This swap has not worked out, but I would be convinced he won't go for another when everything has settled back into normality.

Ge blesrkh had both the desire/inclination and enough "game" to do it given the opportunity.

*would not be convinced

Oh OP, don't extend the pain for you and your children.

He is a nasty piece of work who just wants to use you again until the next time.

Don't be so foolish as to fall for it.

Your children deserve better, so do you.

@Youaremysunshine14

I wouldn’t see it as a marriage anymore. And if he’s been off shagging others - then I’d feel free to do the same.

But surely it’s still possible to maintain a co-parent relationship? The day trips with the children, having him involved in their lives. To have him as a friend. But neither owning the other in a love/partner/romantic sense.

He's blown the monogamy rule.

Personally - having hit menopause. The luvvy duvvy stuff just makes me feel bleeuurgh. I’m more interested in - have the bins been put out, getting the children to bed - and getting an early night myself. If DP came home and told me he was in love - I honestly think my reaction would be amusement. I really not trying to be insincere. And then going forward - so long as the children/myself have security - I’d just adapt to whatever works for us best as a family.

Sigh......if you take him back you know full well where you’ll be in a few weeks/months/years time. If you’re happy to put yourself through that circus again (and your kids too) then go for it but don’t be a mug. Your kids will thank you in the long term if you nip this in the bud.

Sounds like she’s dumped him

He hasn't changed, OP. He's still the husband who cheated and lied. And no amount of 'counselling' will change that. The counselling is being used in the same way that the OW was, by the way. As a way of him getting what he wants. It's still all about him. It will always be about him.

If you're going to forgive him that's likely to take time. Lots of time. At the end of which forgiveness might even mean that you feel a little sad that you divorced but not sorry. Not sorry at all.

Bullshit. OW didn’t want him anymore.
Don’t believe a word this slime ball says. If you go back again, mark my words you’ll be back here telling the same story within a couple of years:

So much good advice here. I found this interesting "I am the only person he can truly be himself with". Well that's very nice for him...but what about you? Can you truly be yourself ever again with this man? Someone who told you how awful you are? Who walked away from your children so cruelly?

Thank goodness you have this amazing board and deluge of good advice!!

The cold, distant, callous nature of a man when he pulls the “I’m out” card is truly heartbreaking and baffling. I remember being absolutely broken.

Don’t fall for his shit now. He just wants the clock to rewind, because he didn’t get the fairytale ending he’d expected. You represent everything that is comfortable, safe, reliable to him….He’s an asshole of epic proportions. Stay strong, don’t let him have that power to smash your heart to pieces again. You’ll never rest knowing he’s actually a snake.

He made his bed. End of.