My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

[Ragdoll22]

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

Any comment on the almost 100K lives destroyed by sexual assault every year? Most of which pass entirely unpunished.

I certainly wouldn’t surrender a police interview for an allegation of such a serious nature without a solicitor present

ATTEND, not surrender

@@mumda

Dear humans
If you've been assaulted report it immediately.
Yours kindly

PS: advice from police and solicitor: don't speak to the police alone.

^^^

THIS
Wise words indeed - thank you.

Because your BF likes sex that takes you to the boundaries of your safety, walks the tightrope between (your) pain and pleasure AND shows signs of lacking self control.
This is not a safe combination.

Equally, it doesn't mean it's true either. Statistically, where does the 90% come from? I'm struggling to understand how it's possible to obtain a figure for that?

That's based on around 95k rapes a year and about 1k convictions. Unless you think 94k women are lying... which would rather imply you are a scary misogynist.

Many organisations have looked at this. Loads of studies. Masses of research. Look it up.

I call bullshit on this post. There is no way the accuser received thousands in compensation before the accused was convicted. Even if a successful conviction did happen, getting thousands of pounds in compensation is rare.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Any comment on the almost 100K lives destroyed by sexual assault every year? Most of which pass entirely unpunished.
^^^*
Not sure that's even relevant.
A close relative had something happen.
Never went ti court.
She's a mess.
If he'd gone to prison - she'd still be a mess
Is that what you mean ?
But if there is even the slightest chance it's a false allegation ............... I've seen it happen.

I have a strict stance on this. I have never been interviewed by the police as a suspect.

I work in social services and our work is often joint with the police, they are our colleagues in many pieces of work. I would NEVER speak to the police under these circumstances without representation.

GBH does not necessarily involve a threat to life

there are so many people on this thread giving opinions about the police and procedures when they clearly have no idea what they are talking about

@Getoffmyshoes
Ok
But she still had ti pay it back.
Man got an apology letter for the 3 years he actually served
But hey oh

How can anyone know whether they are true or not? How do you calculate a statistic like that?

An ex of mine was accused of rape. He wasn't 'angry' about it but devastated. He eventually had a nervous breakdown and it took her years to admit she lied (for attention).

It does happen, but your boyfriend's response does not ring true at all.

After 4 months (and him potentially cheating on you both) I would not bother with this. Get out now.

I’m so sorry, I can imagine this is a lot to cope with. I’d be cautious. Your boyfriend’s reaction doesn’t quite add up. In particular, his anger is a red flag for me. Not just because violent controlling men who are statistically likely to sexually assault their partners tend also to have anger issues but because I’d expect confusion to be the primary state if the accusation was altogether unfounded. In fact, I’m surprised your boyfriend isn’t keen to engage with police to know exactly what it is that he’s accused of. In general, I think we’re at a stage now where we know that it’s very rare for women to make such accusations up. In fact, it’s more likely that a man will himself be sexually assaulted than that he will be falsely accused of sexual assault. I’m truly sorry that you’re in this position, and I hope my candour isn’t distressing. My best advice is to keep an open mind that this might be a more complex situation than you want it to be. Please please don’t become isolated from your own support network. Sending love xxx

He served a 3 year custodial sentence for a conviction that was overturned? Surely his solicitor advised him to claim compensation for miscarriage of justice?

How do you calculate a statistic like that?

Who has defended him?

I can see a lot of posts, including my own, putting right the logic fails that are peppering this thread and actually making it more confusing for OP, not very helpful

A person may or may not get very angry if they are accused of something they didnt do. Its not an indicator of guilt or not
A person should NEVER speak to the police in such an interview situation without representation. Its not an indicator of guilt or not.
Previous crimes are also not an indicator of guilt or not.
Statistics which cant possibly have validation to them (in either direction) being bandied around as 'fact'.

I'm assuming by the info i'm getting on this thread and the GBH charges (which is all about knocking someone unconscious) this guy is into some form of BDSM (which is not an issue at all in itself) and my gut feeling is he's a top (dominant). He cheats, he lies and has a hefty police record for sexual assault (one that includes putting a persons life in danger without her consent). I'm assuming the OP is a sub (absolutely nothing wrong this that) and is very happy to have found her master. Her reason for opening this thread is because her BF is upset as he's been accused of rape and she's distressed.

OP there's nothing wrong with roleplay and BDSM but you should be distressed because you're getting into a relationship with more red flags than the soviet union. The signs are all there but you're choosing to overlook them.

She doesn't have to comment on the 100K assaults, the men (and it's usually men) who carried them out do.

She is simply relating the story of her son, you seem unable to accept that women make false allegations but they do and the pain and suffering her son went through doesn't take away from the pain and suffering of women who are assaulted.

Don't be angry with mother's who have seen their child's live decimated be angry with the perpetrators usually men but occasionally women who carry out the assaults or lie about it.

I do sex with safewords. But not with known liars who keep getting accused of violent crimes while I just know it's everyone else who's lying.

I was open minded about this initially. It's a serious allegation that needs to be investigated and it isn't a conviction. But the more you tell us about him, the squickier it's getting. BDSM is about trust and I don't trust this guy.

And how do you and others think you are being helpful to the OP in using the thread as a vehicle to try and demonstrate that men are treated unjustly? I know its a very popular thing to do on MN of late, but a thread where there is even the smallest chance a woman is in a relationship with a potentially dangerous man, is not the time or place to push that agenda.
In advising the OP I believe posters should have her interests in mind ahead of their personal desire to support men, especially when the matter is this serious.
Looking for excuses for his behaviour which may then encourage the OP to stay in a fairly new relationship which carries a risk, doesn't benefit her at all, only her BF, who is not the person asking for our support.

As others have suggested, do a Claire’s law application. Your partner won’t know you’ve made the application and if there’s anything for them to disclose to you, they’ll make sure they see you when he isn’t round. Ring 101 to put the application in, and they’ll send someone out to see you within a few days to start the process. In regards to comments about him “refusing to engage” it sounds to me that he’s been asked to attend a voluntary interview and he’s been informed of his right to legal advice, so he’s agreed to attend the interview but at a later date along with a legal rep (as is his right). He won’t be viewed negatively for having done this as it’s been inferred. It’s his right to access legal advice and to have them present. If he’s been asked to attend and he hasn’t turned up, then he needs to be mindful that he can be arrested for an offence such as this and will be if he doesn’t attend.

His solicitor will be given disclosure prior to his interview (on the day) and he’ll find out what the allegations are in his legal consultation just before his interview. He will obviously be able to explain to his solicitor his side of things, and he will be advised by his solicitor how to answer the allegations put to him.

Personally, I would not entertain continuing a relationship with this person- because who wants this kind of drama this early into a relationship? Do the Claire’s law application anyway, and keep yourself safe in the meantime.

I think you've replied to me by mistake, I havent demonstrated or attempted to, that men are treated unjustly.

A history that includes a previous allegation of GBH and definitely lying to his wife while having an affair with you...

He's hardly a prince among men is he OP?

You've been seeing him four months. Not all of that openly.

He can sort this mess out, whether he's guilty or not, and contact you when it's over to make an informed decision about whether or not to keep seeing him. Obviously if he's guilty you'd be absolutely mad to but you don't seem to be making great decisions right now.

You do not know him well enough to, and do not owe him, be his emotional support through the process of a sexual abuse allegation.

You simply don't.

What you do know about him for sure is that he's capable of lying to someone convincingly while sharing a life and home with them.

Think about that.

I hope there are no kids involved in this absolute shit show.