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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

408 replies

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 15:51

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

OP posts:
5128gap · 09/07/2022 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Do you also have a daughter? And if you did, would you be advising her to 'hold fast' to a man shes been dating for 4 months, even if there were a tiny chance that this could be true?
Men's rights are obviously very important to you, but this isn't about you, or your sons. Its the OPs interests that are paramount on the thread she started, so why is it in her interests to risk her safety?

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 19:34

@ancientgran

Yes I think I got mixed up in the OP and read it wrong when OP said he hasn't been told what it was, because he has been told. Just not interviewed/questioned.

Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 19:36

HandThatRocksTheCrayCray · 09/07/2022 19:27

@Ragdoll22 (OP), either he did it or he didn't.

If he did do it, then you are in deep shit.

If he didn't do it, then I still think you should cut your losses and get out of this mess. It's awful, I can tell you. My DP's ex is very unwell and makes allegations like this. It's very obvious in our case that they are false because they are so preposterous, and there are now professionals involved to help her. (And he's not angry - he's concerned tbh, as am I.)

There is a further scenario that occurs to me, and it's around consent. Consent to sex has to be freely given, and if his ex-partner believed she was in an exclusive relationship and has discovered that she was being lied to by him about that, then while that's not technically rape it can certainly feel like an assault. If a partner pushed for a sex act that tested the bounds of a woman's normal comfort zone, and she finds out that she was giving a consent that she would not have given had she known about the 'other woman', then that feels really fucking horrible and like a violation. It's legal for a man to do this, but - to me, personally - it's repulsive behaviour.

I’m sorry, maybe I am a bit thick but why and how would consent change if you found out you had been cheated on?
What I meant with transparent was that he always stated what he was into into and wanted, and I have been the same. There has never been an issue around adhering to the safe word. I know that we both acted horribly but I can’t see why or how this would have caused a consent issue? Sorry if I am stupid here

OP posts:
parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 19:37

OP you won't get any support on here, men are ALWAYS in the wrong on MN

OP IS getting support. Support in the form of 'walk and never look back' is perfect advice when someone you have been seeing for FOUR months is accused of sexual assault. Let's face it, even if he is innocent he has a jealous ex out to stir shit. That's not a relationship anybody should think 'oh yes, such drama at 4 months in, let's continue'

Advice to leave is the support OP needs.

Fawnia · 09/07/2022 19:38

His moral compass is fucked OP, but you don’t want to accept the evidence of that because you got your man in the end.

He’s a liar. It may have not been you he lied to back then, but he’s a liar and he WILL lie to you

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 19:39

There has never been an issue around adhering to the safe word.

4 months in and you are already knee deep in stuff that requires a safe word? Is it you that needs it or him?

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 19:40

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 18:33

@AchatAVendre he did lie to her about us. I’m not proud of it but I can’t take this back … :/

OP Right now you're on "honey moon phase" but be ready for him to do the same to you (cheat) whenever problems arise because that's his thing/pattern. Some people chain smoke others chain relationships. Being on your own for a little while to figure out stuff before you're ready to enter a new relationship is the healthy thing to do.

Your BF may or may not be a rapist (I don't know because I was not there) but he's either a narcissist or maybe just not the sharpest tool in the shed. This man has more flags than a communist rally.

Clarinet1 · 09/07/2022 19:43

I second those who say he’s right to
lawyer up!
There are women out there who
would make false accusations for reasons of jealousy, revenge etc.. Although actual sexual assault is, of course, more serious.
However, in terms of the interview, obviously he should tell the truth and take his solicitor’s advice. When he knows the details of the accusations there may be obvious discrepancies - eg he has proof or witnesses that he wasn’t with the Ex on a particular date. It isn’t unknown for people making up stories to get things like that wrong.
On the other hand, a Clare’s law request would also be a good idea.

HandThatRocksTheCrayCray · 09/07/2022 19:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 19:39

There has never been an issue around adhering to the safe word.

4 months in and you are already knee deep in stuff that requires a safe word? Is it you that needs it or him?

It's not sounding great, is it? I think there may be a sexually coercive element here that the ex-partner is starting to wake to up to / to feel. If so, I hope she can access the support that she needs, because the feeling of violation is very real and very upsetting indeed.

Teacupsandtoast · 09/07/2022 19:46

What is he into OP? Are you sure it's not a red flag in itself?

mumda · 09/07/2022 19:48

Dear humans
If you've been assaulted report it immediately.
Yours kindly

PS: advice from police and solicitor: don't speak to the police alone.

5128gap · 09/07/2022 19:52

OP, if I were you I wouldn't be having sex that needs a safe word with a man accused of 3 violent crimes.

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 19:54

5128gap · 09/07/2022 19:52

OP, if I were you I wouldn't be having sex that needs a safe word with a man accused of 3 violent crimes.

Apologies for being thick but I believe he has “only “ been accused of rape once.

Clarinet1 · 09/07/2022 19:57

Ah well - safe words are rather a big drip feed! I’m not changing what I previously said but, if the Ex was being coerced into practices she wasn’t actually comfortable with, I can see where she’s coming from. If she seemed to consent at the time, though, I’m afraid she and her
lawyers will have an uphill struggle to make a charge stick.

Robin233 · 09/07/2022 19:57

@Christinatherabbit

Just my experience that started with something similar. My now husband had a messy break up with his ex of 7 years. 6 months later she found out we were together and the day after she discovered this and then over the course of several years reported him to the police for multiple things (said he was drug dealing, assault all sorts) she reported us to social services, HMRC, the list is endless. I wount go into too much detail as its outing but some of it was horrific! Nothing came of any of the claims as they were all unfounded but the campaign of lies was relentless and while all was being investigated was a horrific time. She then started making up lies about me to my place of work and accused me of neglect and abusing my children to social services! I nearly left him several times as I couldnt deal with the stress it made me ill. We even had laughing and mocking texts sent from unknown numbers about the destruction she knew she was causing. She is still really difficult even now. I'm in no way saying this is what's happening here but just giving me my story. I also had my teenage son accused of rape after he ended things with a girl. He was taken to the police station and it was only after txt messages were discovered proving she had lied that she subsequently broke down and admitted she was trying to punish him for speaking to another girl. He was left suicidal. I was about a year later contacted by another mum to say she was doing the same to her son! I am In no way minimising what's happening here having been a victim of childhood sexual abuse and then in a very violent relationship in my late teens with a much older man but I am just so much more aware that it's a complicated thing you are going through from these experiences.
^^^^
I would like people to read this TWICE.
I have experienced this.
Young men these days are frightened to death.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 19:57

Apologies for being thick but I believe he has “only “ been accused of rape once.

He's been accused of GBH once, sexual assault once. And the 'has had a policy every since' on police interactions means there's an implication he has been accused of something in the intervening time.

I wouldn't be having any sex with a man currently accused of rape, never mind sex which involved a safe word.

HandThatRocksTheCrayCray · 09/07/2022 20:02

Btw I agree with the advice not to speak to the police unless accompanied by legal representation, preferably of one's own choosing. This is a right we have in the UK and should be valued; and should not in and of itself arouse suspicion.

Ditto making value judgements around a particular emotion or range of emotions. This tack has been used against women many times before now to discredit their evidence because their emotions were supposedly 'wrong'. Having said that, anger within the current relationship that OP is in, that is making her uncomfortable, should be seen by her as just that - anger. A red flag.

I also agree with using Chare's Law disclosure, which the OP has said she will do. I also think she needs to think long and hard about this man's character. Lies, safe words, accusations. Personally, I wouldn't want to know.

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 20:02

@MrsTerryPratchett He's been accused of GBH once.

Wait... WHAT?* *😱

Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 20:06

I didn’t see any issue with the safe word agreement because we both agreed on certain things and practices, and he has always adhered to them. Why is this a red flag?
i will do a Clare’s law request though

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 20:07

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 20:02

@MrsTerryPratchett He's been accused of GBH once.

Wait... WHAT?* *😱

Yup. So far this bloke is an angry liar who cheats and has been accused of at least two serious physical assaults. He seems to like sex with at least the illusion of lack of consent (safe word) and I'm just wanting for the rest.

OP must be lacking some important critical thinking to still be with this bloke.

BadNomad · 09/07/2022 20:08

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 20:06

I didn’t see any issue with the safe word agreement because we both agreed on certain things and practices, and he has always adhered to them. Why is this a red flag?
i will do a Clare’s law request though

Because you've only known each other for 4 months and are already engaging in sexual acts that require safe words.

5128gap · 09/07/2022 20:08

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 19:54

Apologies for being thick but I believe he has “only “ been accused of rape once.

Show quote history

Yes, sorry. Another poster said 3 crimes. The OP mentioned 'only' the rape allegation and GBH, so 2.

Robin233 · 09/07/2022 20:09

@5128gap

Do you also have a daughter? And if you did, would you be advising her to 'hold fast' to a man shes been dating for 4 months, even if there were a tiny chance that this could be true?
Men's rights are obviously very important to you, but this isn't about you, or your sons. Its the OPs interests that are paramount on the thread she started, so why is it in her interests to risk her safety?
^^^^
I do have DD actually.
And honestly- I don't know.
I've never been in that position.
But I do knows people falsely accused.
The girl came out and admitted it.
Was in it for the compensation-
£1000's of pound. which she had ti pay back
It does happen
And no one can know how often.
Destroys lives.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 20:10

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 20:06

I didn’t see any issue with the safe word agreement because we both agreed on certain things and practices, and he has always adhered to them. Why is this a red flag?
i will do a Clare’s law request though

Because assuming it's you using the safe word, and I do assume that, he is enjoying the illusion of a lack of consent. You don't need a safe word for many things. You can tie someone up and do all sorts and if they don't like it they say, "no thanks". A safe word is because they want "no" to be part of their sexual pleasure. He LIKES the illusion of your lack of consent.

You don't see that as an issue with someone who is accused of sexual assault?

You don't have to answer but I'm assuming you had a troubled childhood. Possibly violence in the home or sexual activity (assault) under 16.

altmember · 09/07/2022 20:11

IodineQueen · 09/07/2022 19:04

Exactly. Something ‘not going anywhere’ or ‘no further action’ being taken does not mean it’s a false allegation. It’s alarming that some people don’t seem to be able to distinguish between the two.

Show quote history

Equally, it doesn't mean it's true either. Statistically, where does the 90% come from? I'm struggling to understand how it's possible to obtain a figure for that?