My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

[Ragdoll22]

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

In fact, I’m surprised your boyfriend isn’t keen to engage with police to know exactly what it is that he’s accused of.

He has spoken to the police because they invited him in for an interview. He's refused to have an interview without a lawyer present so it's being done next week. He knows he's accused of sexual assault. The police won't give him details because they'll bring stuff out during the interview and they'll want to see and tape his reaction. It's interview techniques.
He's very sensible to be wary of the police and take a solicitor with him.

This exactly

I too would be raging.

Having to go through this shit.

Been through an arrest with Dh (theft) and it is pretty awful. Even after they caught the culprit. Loads of people saying no smoke without fire. Police don’t arrest innocent people.

I've no idea how many women are lying. And neither do you. Or anyone else. It's probably not 94k, as that would make me misogynist.

Even if half the women are lying, and why on earth would that be the case, that's still almost 50k rapes and 1k convictions. The vast majority of men accused, are guilty but will not be convicted.

I think it is completely normal not to engage with the police without legal representation! Unfortunately, I do know a man who was accused like that falsely. He is doing the right thing. But I would still keep awareness and be careful if I saw any signs that would make me think he is capable of an abuse

@Robin233
The girl admitted she lied to obtain compensation..? Really?
so she is in prison now for perverting the course of justice, fraud, …??
If she was in it for the compensation she not only took one hell of a risk, tried about the most risky way of getting money she wasn’t entitled to and to top it all was pretty stupid to then admit she was lying ..

Yes I think that post was absolute bollocks, to use the popular legal term

I think the OP is saying that he won’t engage with the police until he has a legal representative. A friend of ours was in a similar situation - and later proved to be entirely innocent of the accusation - and the police asked him to come to the police station to help with the investigation. He didn’t see the need for legal representation as it seemed as though it was just a request. When he turned up he was arrested. Makes sense to get the legal side sorted out before you engage. I agree about applying under Clare’s law though.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-47738892

It may be this case, I vaguely remember it

@HandThatRocksTheCrayCray

Yes I think that post was absolute bollocks, to use the popular legal term
^^
Not sure why you saying this.
Would you like names , address, ??

No thank you

That’s just not right but go ahead if you want to think that :/
Anyway, I’ll go for the CL enquiry. I can’t say anything else but that he has never hurt or harmed me, or made me feel unsafe I hope he hasn’t done anything to her but right now I can’t see it

@HandThatRocksTheCrayCray
Just Google compensation for rape.
No win no fee.
It was put in place ti help women come forward.

Generally anyone with legal knowledge would advise you never to talk to the police without legal support when being accused of something.

Four months into your relationship (some of which was while he was in another one) IMO he would be unreasonable to expect you to stay in a relationship with him while he goes through this case. He shouldn't be using you as his emotional support through it, it's way too much way too soon.

And IMO you should have the boundaries and self preservation to say to him that you understand how serious his situation is and that you think he needs to navigate the process as a single man and get back in touch when it's resolved.

I assume you're not living together as it's only been sixteen weeks you've been seeing each other?

Do you have children?

@Ragdoll22 I can’t say anything else but that he has never hurt or harmed me, or made me feel unsafe I hope he hasn’t done anything to her but right now I can’t see it.

He hasn't hurt or harmed you (not yet, you're on honeymoon phase still after 4 months) but he has hurt, cheat, lied to and harmed other women. For gods sake he pulled GBH on a lady!

Luckily you are going to be the exception.🙄

This x a million. Are some women so desperate that they will cling on to a man like this and try and rescue a 4 month relationship that started with cheating? Jesus wept.

Absolutely agree. I think the angry reaction is a concern, but wanting to engage legal representation of his choice, isn't. For a voluntary interview, he will have some leeway in scheduling it. The police are targeted to pursue more RASSO cases atm, rape and sexual assault.

He cheated, yes. I can’t comment on the other accusations, apart from pointing out that the gbh one wasn’t a domestic or sexually motivated.
I still don’t see why it’s seen as a red flag that we have a safe word which is being adhered to.
I think I got some good advice, thank you all.

Do you think it's sensible for someone who has been with another person for sixteen weeks, part of which was an affair, to stay in a relationship with them while they navigate the process of a sexual assault accusation?

If so I really hope there aren't children involved in all this as then at least you're only affecting yourselves.

Literally the only thing you know about him for sure is that he's a capable liar and a definite cheat.

I also hope he hasn't moved in with you already but suspect he has.

What a mess this is.

the gbh one wasn’t a domestic or sexually motivated.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so? That makes all the difference.

How often are you having to use the safeword? It can happen, of course, but if you're in tune with each other and clear on limits, it really shouldn't be a regular occurrence. I've only ever had to do it twice in my life and never more than once with each partner.

I still don’t see why it’s seen as a red flag that we have a safe word which is being adhered to.

Because it indicates the possibility of sexual acts that have the potential for harm and also indicates the possibility of a dynamic which is easy for a dominant male to abuse.

Nobody said this is definitely true of your relationship. They said it was a red flag. A potential cause for concern.

There has never been an issue around adhering to the safe word

So you've already had to use it. Sixteen weeks in.

Yes, all of this ^^

He may have done it. He may not have done it. Nothing the OP has said points towards either guilt or innocence and speculating is unhelpful.

There also some big misunderstandings in the comments about false accusations. It is rare for a woman to be PROVEN to falsely accuse a man of rape or sexual assault. That doesn’t mean false accusations don’t happen. One of the reasons so few rape accusations end in conviction is because it can’t be proven either way whether the accused or the accuser is telling the truth. Therefore we actually have no idea how common false accusations are, because the only ones were know about are the ones where the accuser has been proven to have lied.

I was seriously sexually assaulted by my former boyfriend when I was younger. I have tremendous sympathy for anyone who goes through it. It’s awful. I applaud women who find the strength to speak up (I didn’t) and every allegation must be taken seriously and thoroughly investigated and the accuser treated with the utmost compassion and dignity. The OP’s partner’s ex deserves this as much as any other woman. But the accusation alone is absolutely not proof of guilt, any more than his reaction is proof of his innocence.

Was it definitely GBH and not ABH or assault? GBH is very serious, and I'm struggling to think how someone could make a false claim? And normally, if GBH can't be made to stick, they would be charged for ABH or assault.

Well it's not unknown for a jealous ex or slightly bonkers person to make up a false allegation.

But he's had previous, we don't know the details (and you don't seem to either), why was he cleared of charges? Did the person definitely lie or did they just not have enough evidence? Big difference.. and the fact that he flew off the handle about it is a bit suspicious.

See how it plays out op, but I wouldn't be blindingly on his side.