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Original poster

My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

408 replies

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 15:51

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

OP posts:
DangerNoodles · 09/07/2022 18:58

You've been together four months, in that time he has already shown he is capable of being dishonest by being a cheat with you, now this. Why take the risk and stay with him OP?

Isaidnoalready · 09/07/2022 19:00

He really doesn't sound like a good prospect

Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 19:01

@Christinatherabbit I’m so sorry that this happened to you:(

I know that he was accused of assault (not sexual but GBH) as a teen and that he had maintained a strict “no talking to police without representation” stance since. I didn’t know him back then but I know that he was cleared because the other person had lied about things. He’s still bitter about it and so are his friends and family, and he has always said that it was one of the most unpleasant moments of his life. So I can see why he refuses to engage without council.

Either way I should probably step away and see what happens… sorry I just panicked.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 09/07/2022 19:01

So he cheated on his girlfriend. That is a red flag. It shows he doesn't have any respect for her. You know what else men do when they don't have respect for women?

Ultimatebetrayal · 09/07/2022 19:02

He's absolutely right not to speak to the police without legal representation

AchatAVendre · 09/07/2022 19:03

he had maintained a strict “no talking to police without representation” stance since.

That implies that there was at least one other incident where he had to talk to the police between the assault allegation as a teen and the sexual assault allegation now.

Most people don't need to maintain any stance on this...

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 19:03

Most people get though life not having been falsely accused of very serious crimes at all. He's been very unlucky...

IodineQueen · 09/07/2022 19:04

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 18:49

'Nothing' ever comes of about 90% of true accusations. The lack of a conviction isn't any indication of innocence.

Show quote history

Exactly. Something ‘not going anywhere’ or ‘no further action’ being taken does not mean it’s a false allegation. It’s alarming that some people don’t seem to be able to distinguish between the two.

Robin233 · 09/07/2022 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fladdermus · 09/07/2022 19:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 19:03

Most people get though life not having been falsely accused of very serious crimes at all. He's been very unlucky...

What I was thinking too. How very unfortunate.

Dic · 09/07/2022 19:09

Sounds dodgy as fuck to me. Step away.

Alivekicking · 09/07/2022 19:09

If he's been accused before though proven innocent and he thought it was the end of the world for him, surely his ex-partner knows and there's always the possibility she's trying to do the same to get revenge. He could be guilty but there're always the possibility it's made up and you're already jumping ship without hearing all the facts, exactly as she wanted. Get all your facts straight before making a decision, in the meantime keep yourself safe.

felulageller · 09/07/2022 19:09

Whatever happened to #Ibelieveher

Teacupsandtoast · 09/07/2022 19:11

As pp's have mentioned, no one, unless they have been arrested multiple times, needs to have a stance on talking to the police. He's a cheat, he's dishonest, this is the second accusation of violence against him (that you know of) and he's refusing to cooperate with police. Just have a little think what you would say to a friend if this was her boyfriend...

DangerNoodles · 09/07/2022 19:12

Oh dear, you update doesn't really help matters does it? What are the chances of being wrongly accused twice?

Your self esteem sounds like it's at rock bottom OP, firstly dating a man who was already taken and secondly trying to tie yourself in knots to convince yourself of his innocence. Walk away, focus on yourself and find yourself a better man when the time is right.

scotscorner · 09/07/2022 19:14

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 19:01

@Christinatherabbit I’m so sorry that this happened to you:(

I know that he was accused of assault (not sexual but GBH) as a teen and that he had maintained a strict “no talking to police without representation” stance since. I didn’t know him back then but I know that he was cleared because the other person had lied about things. He’s still bitter about it and so are his friends and family, and he has always said that it was one of the most unpleasant moments of his life. So I can see why he refuses to engage without council.

Either way I should probably step away and see what happens… sorry I just panicked.

Hi OP 👋 police officer here

Sorry this is happening to you. (Whether he’s done anything wrong or not which the posters on this thread clearly can’t judge it’s clearly horrible for you and not your fault)

you might like to read this- rights at a voluntary interview:
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/761390/2018_CodeC-NoRE-_Voluntary__HO__Final__NoHighlights_18-12-04.pdf

Tbh, knowing what I know now about the criminal justice system, I would never refuse my right to representation (though also I’ve never had cause for a solicitor). It shouldn’t really delay the process by much though. When he goes to interview the fundamentals of the allegation against him will need to be made clear and the solicitor will receive something called a pre interview disclosure (don’t know how open and honest your boyfriend is willing to be about this but you could ask him to get a copy from solicitor and share that with you too…)

Agree with the other posters about Clare’s law.

His solicitor should be able to tell him more about the process but in summary this allegation could be a really long and stressful experience for all involved. You still have a choice about walking away which I would weigh up carefully if I were you.

kirinm · 09/07/2022 19:14

@Pinkbonbon honestly? More fool you. Read into the history of the police and if you ever face allegations, have legal representation.

It is so odd to see so many people blindly trusting the police.

CousinKrispy · 09/07/2022 19:16

OP, you keep focusing on why his ex would make the accusation.

Instead I think you need to focus on whether or not this man is a safe and healthy partner for you.

He might be. But you have only been together four months, that's nothing. Being friends before that might mean very little, people (especially manipulative abusers) can be good at hiding their less pleasant side.

I'm not saying you have to believe the accusation is true without any further investigation or evidence. But I think you should tread very carefully here. Slow the relationship right down, and make sure you keep a very open mind rather than assuming that you know everything there is to know about this man yet.

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 19:17

kirinm · 09/07/2022 19:14

@Pinkbonbon honestly? More fool you. Read into the history of the police and if you ever face allegations, have legal representation.

It is so odd to see so many people blindly trusting the police.

I didn't say it was smart. I said most people just wouldn't think to lawyer up. I'm sure it probably is a wise move. But whether it's wise or not is a completely irrelevant point to what we are talking about.

5128gap · 09/07/2022 19:18

When I was 18 I started seeing someone, and was told shortly after that he had raped someone. He was the boy next door who I'd known of for years, and like yours, no angel, but good to me. He denied it, I believed him. All was well. Until the first time I told him no. It was a very good job my housemate was in the house and came in when I screamed.
Take great care OP.

BellePeppa · 09/07/2022 19:21

Eatingchips · 09/07/2022 16:03

Why would she claim he assaulted her if he didn’t? It is very rare for women to make this stuff up. I

Show quote history

Really? You are not aware that women make false claims against men as a form of revenge? That’s quite surprising as cases have been reported several times. Women can lie you know. I have no idea if this is the case here but wierd to think women couldn’t possibly do something like this.

ancientgran · 09/07/2022 19:23

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 15:55

Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry

Do you? You don't know what happened so how can you understand why he is angry?

. I obviously believe him

Why?

because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.

Maybe she is trying to prevent it happening to you as well?

I wouldn't be so fast to trust a man who, when accused of sexual assault, refuses to engage with the police.

My husband is a retired police officer and he would advise the boyfriend to wait until he has a solicitor with him to speak to the police. I've heard him advise people when something has happened and when our kids got to the age of going out alone he told them that if anything ever happened and the police got involved they were to say nothing until he was present or a solicitor was present.

It is commonsense.

persianmafia · 09/07/2022 19:27

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 18:23

Well of course. But I don't change how I think I would react to a situation because someone challenges it with another situation. I don't really get angry ever, I do get upset; so it's more likely I would be true to my 45 years. Even if I wouldn't though, you are quite right I don't know that, so my assumption based on both scenarios is the same.

Show quote history

Thats how YOU would likely react. Other people have said they WOULD react with anger- I know I get furious if someone accuses me of doing something I have not done so that blows the whole "he must be guilty if he's angry" theory out of the water doesnt it?

Emotional reactions will vary massively from person to person, depending on so many factors- their upbringing, what emotions they were allowed to express as a child and what were "taboo", how naturally resilient they are, if theyve been abused, not to mention our brains are all different and swirl with differing levels of chemicals and neurotransmitters, hormones etc. I know of people who have actually laughed out loud when told someone has died, it didnt mean they found it funny in any way, but thats just how their emotions and shock have come out.

That said, he may very well be guilty- none of us know. But armchair analysing him from simply being angry= guilty is utter nonsense.

HandThatRocksTheCrayCray · 09/07/2022 19:27

@Ragdoll22 (OP), either he did it or he didn't.

If he did do it, then you are in deep shit.

If he didn't do it, then I still think you should cut your losses and get out of this mess. It's awful, I can tell you. My DP's ex is very unwell and makes allegations like this. It's very obvious in our case that they are false because they are so preposterous, and there are now professionals involved to help her. (And he's not angry - he's concerned tbh, as am I.)

There is a further scenario that occurs to me, and it's around consent. Consent to sex has to be freely given, and if his ex-partner believed she was in an exclusive relationship and has discovered that she was being lied to by him about that, then while that's not technically rape it can certainly feel like an assault. If a partner pushed for a sex act that tested the bounds of a woman's normal comfort zone, and she finds out that she was giving a consent that she would not have given had she known about the 'other woman', then that feels really fucking horrible and like a violation. It's legal for a man to do this, but - to me, personally - it's repulsive behaviour.

Robin233 · 09/07/2022 19:27

@NotDavidTennant

It's also very unlikely the police would tell him what he's accused of until they had a chance to interview him. So the fact he doesn't know yet what he's accused of is not some kind of red flag.
^^^
THIS
unfortunately this is true (it's not like it is on TV)