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Original poster

My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

408 replies

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 15:51

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

OP posts:
Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 22:28

God this took a sinister turn. He’s been accused of violent crimes twice ? And he’s into sex that requires a safe word? Is he hurting you and getting off on your pain or being able to hurt you? And you think he didn’t hurt her? Because after a few weeks he still adheres to your safe word so far? And you’re watching him in an utter rage? Seeing the rage, the accusations, what he likes to do to you ,and you still believe he is innocent?

LaFeuilleMorte · 09/07/2022 22:31

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:09

He cheated, yes. I can’t comment on the other accusations, apart from pointing out that the gbh one wasn’t a domestic or sexually motivated.
I still don’t see why it’s seen as a red flag that we have a safe word which is being adhered to.
I think I got some good advice, thank you all.

The issue with the safe word is that the need for it means that ‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘no’ to him - so he must enjoy you saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’ and not stopping. If either of those words worked in stopping him doing something you don’t like, you wouldn’t need a safe word in addition. Having sex with someone who has a propensity for violence, who also likes to transgress usual boundaries (saying no or stop), is a dangerous mixture.

5128gap · 09/07/2022 22:37

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:09

He cheated, yes. I can’t comment on the other accusations, apart from pointing out that the gbh one wasn’t a domestic or sexually motivated.
I still don’t see why it’s seen as a red flag that we have a safe word which is being adhered to.
I think I got some good advice, thank you all.

Liking the sort of sex that needs a safe word isn't necessarily a red flag on its own.
Its when you put that together with the GBH incident (and was he actually completely innocent or was there a technicality that made conviction unlikely? Basically, was he violent?) and the new accusation and his anger.
It points to the possibility of someone who doesn't have the ability to control violent impulses.
If he is that person, be may at some point not control himself when he has his hands round your throat, for example.
Obviously we don't know for sure. But it's a risk that most people wouldn't be comfortable with.

madasawethen · 09/07/2022 22:38

OP have you been in previously abusive relationships or abused as a child?

CallOnMe · 09/07/2022 22:39

I know of a few men that have been accused of SA or rape before who were completely innocent.
Fortunately all of them were found not guilty apart from 1.

Women lie about being raped all of the time. But men also rape women all of the time.
So it’s very difficult to know who is telling the truth.

Unless she has actual evidence like messages then it’s unlikely he’ll get sentenced and if he does then it will be a light sentence.

The conviction rate for SA or rape is unbelievably low but that doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.
I’d definitely do a Claire’s law but if he’s not been arrested for anything then nothing may show up.

I would be on my guard with him. Something just doesn’t seem right.
I would probably do some digging around other exes too.

bigfootisreal · 09/07/2022 22:41

Inthesameboatatmo · 09/07/2022 18:43

I once worked with a guy who was falsely accused by his ex wife. They arrested him at work and kept him in custody for about 2 days I think it was. Nothing ever came of it and he still works there now. So it can and does happen op . But proceed with extreme caution .

That doesn't mean anything, my rapist was never arrested and he confessed to raping me. Nothing coming from an accusation does not mean he is not guilty.

bigfootisreal · 09/07/2022 22:42

I know of a few men that have been accused of SA or rape before who were completely innocent.
Fortunately all of them were found not guilty apart from 1.

Not guilty doesn't mean they were innocent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 22:46

bigfootisreal · 09/07/2022 22:42

I know of a few men that have been accused of SA or rape before who were completely innocent.
Fortunately all of them were found not guilty apart from 1.

Not guilty doesn't mean they were innocent.

Unless you were there, how on earth would you know?

And I don't know ANY men who have been falsely accused. You must run in some really interesting circles. I do know a couple who are as guilty as sin and haven't been convicted. And many people who have been assaulted and there were no convictions. That's a lot more common.

Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:48

@LaFeuilleMorte ok I see, that makes sense. Until now it just wasn’t an issue because we were aligned with what we wanted and when to draw a line

@altmember I don’t know. It was assault with a weapon (or more than one). But apparently there were a lot of witnesses who intervened. He never denied either.

I don’t know what to make of this et. it’s probably bad alright

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 22:51

Are you already living together / him 'staying at your place' every night?

And are there children involved?

You haven't answered these questions which is completely your right and you don't have to, obviously, but I think the the answer to at least the first of those questions is probably a yes and you need to think very carefully about the fact that moving this quickly is in general a red flag.

Especially when you met while he was already presumably living with someone else.

LaFeuilleMorte · 09/07/2022 22:54

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:48

@LaFeuilleMorte ok I see, that makes sense. Until now it just wasn’t an issue because we were aligned with what we wanted and when to draw a line

@altmember I don’t know. It was assault with a weapon (or more than one). But apparently there were a lot of witnesses who intervened. He never denied either.

I don’t know what to make of this et. it’s probably bad alright

Fuck me. A man who has assaulted someone with a weapon, and who has sex which involves not having to adhere to the usual rules of consent. What could possibly go wrong?

OP, you’re nuts to be with him even before today. Why you wanted to pry someone like this away from an existing relationship is beyond me. He is no prize, and you’ve haven’t won any sort of jackpot. You seriously need to have a think about what relationships should look like, and raise your bar.

Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:55

@5128gap yes he always admitted that he had been violent. But he always insisted that some of the accusations had been untrue and he seems annoyed about those even now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:57

No we aren’t living together and there are no children involved

OP posts:
Fawnia · 09/07/2022 23:02

11 pages of “run OP” and you still haven’t figured this one out?

Quackpot · 09/07/2022 23:05

Get your head out the sand op 🙈

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 23:05

Fuck me. A man who has assaulted someone with a weapon, and who has sex which involves not having to adhere to the usual rules of consent. What could possibly go wrong?

I mean, this really OP.

Do you have a history of being with men who have turned out to be abusive?

It sounds like your boundaries are very skewed and you're confused about what would for most people be a very simple decision sixteen weeks in.

You might find the shark cage analogy helpful and see some of yourself in it.

BluePinkRed · 09/07/2022 23:09

Jesus. Run!!!

Assault with a weapon!! A WEAPON!!

Regular safe word usage needed?!!

Madness!

Honestly though, as someone who does not remotely see the existence of safewords as anything other than a green flag, and who regularly engages in consensual sex that some would find extreme - I have literally never safeworded. Communication and consent are at the forefront of healthy BDSM and anyone who isn't communicating regularly and openly about limits and expectations of a scene is simply using the nomenclature of BDSM and related things to hide the fact he's an abusive prick.

Please please please if this is something you are seeking out, or finding yourself immersed in, read about red flags specifically within BDSM. And leave him and don't look back.

I cannot stress this enough OP, a WEAPON! How can you be throwing that in so casually?!

ReneBumsWombats · 09/07/2022 23:17

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:55

@5128gap yes he always admitted that he had been violent. But he always insisted that some of the accusations had been untrue and he seems annoyed about those even now.

You shouldn't be doing BDSM with a violent person. In fact, you shouldn't be doing it at all if you don't know that you shouldn't be doing it with a violent person.

You won't tame him, you won't be the special one, you won't better him with your love and submission. It doesn't work that way. Find a Dom who can control himself first and foremost.

ReneBumsWombats · 09/07/2022 23:21

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:48

@LaFeuilleMorte ok I see, that makes sense. Until now it just wasn’t an issue because we were aligned with what we wanted and when to draw a line

@altmember I don’t know. It was assault with a weapon (or more than one). But apparently there were a lot of witnesses who intervened. He never denied either.

I don’t know what to make of this et. it’s probably bad alright

Fuck me hard, I missed that a weapon was involved.

From someone who is into some rather strange things, OP, and who is no stranger to resistance roleplay, RUN LIKE FUCK.

And don't even think about BDSM again until you understand why!

You're not special to him, your submission won't be what changes him, they don't work this way.

Isaidnoalready · 09/07/2022 23:21

My ex has been accused on three plus occasions yes his current girlfriend knows and moved him in with her and her daughter

If she or her daughter turn into a statistic she cannot say she wasn't warned

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 23:27

GBH assault, rape charges, assault with a weapon…. It gets better by the minute 😳 And he was cheating on his ex while you “snatched” from her.

what could possibly go wrong with such a guy? 😳

ReneBumsWombats · 09/07/2022 23:33

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 22:57

No we aren’t living together and there are no children involved

And it's four months old. I've got condiments in the fridge that are older than that. And I'd eat them before I scened with this guy.

Just ditch him, for the love of God. Did you ever wonder how women end up with such arseholes and insist that it's all fabulous and he's so lovely really?

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 23:36

On the other Ted Bundy never laid a finger on his wife and she still talks lovingly about him to this day so there’s always hope for the OP.

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 23:37

“On the other hand” I meant.

ReneBumsWombats · 09/07/2022 23:43

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 21:32

That’s just not right but go ahead if you want to think that :/
Anyway, I’ll go for the CL enquiry. I can’t say anything else but that he has never hurt or harmed me, or made me feel unsafe I hope he hasn’t done anything to her but right now I can’t see it

Show quote history

When I first read this post earlier this evening, I found it a little naive. Now it's fucking terrifying.

Do you see how this works, OP? Do you see now why women hang on inexplicably to dangerous shitbags?

You're not different. It's this!!!!