Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

[SmileyClare]

I'd take the advice above to look for other work. You need the money and something like cleaning work would be ideal;/you sound hard working and can fit jobs around your dc without it affecting the benefits you're on.

That will shift your focus; you're spending too much time and head space on this man.
I suspect you're a hard wired people pleaser. It doesn't matter what this man thinks of you and you're not obligated to help him or worry that you've hurt his feelings or whatever. Move on.

You're not obliged to explain yourself to him. "Sorry, I have a new job now" is an easy response to shut down any further contact.

Look in to claiming carer's allowance for the care you're providing for your mum. Universal Credit will allocate you extra money called a "care element" on top of your existing claim x

[SmileyClare]

I'll add that you mention being abused in the past by other men. This present situation might have caused all the feelings around your past trauma to resurface?
You've been manipulated and abused by this man. You get that right?

It might be worth asking your gp for some counselling or CBT sessions. There's usually a waiting list but I think that might help you process things and move on

[custardbear]

OP this is terrible, I've just read the thread through. He's disgusting! He's trying to manipulate you. I suspect an Avis I've man in his younger days, trying to manufacture a new life with you, but in such a disgusting way. You should feel safe at work, not abused - I'm glad you're out of there!

[gherkinsaplenty]

Thank you again for the support here. I was dreaming I was back working there last night and that's a sure sign I'm really bothered by it. He goes away this weekend so I'll ask my friend to take the books round that he's asked for and I'll write a letter saying I'll put the other things in the shed while he's away. I will include a letter saying to leave me alone now and not to contact me again.

[gherkinsaplenty]

I have got a letter saying here's what you requested, I'll put the rest of the stuff in the outhouse when you are away and not to contact me or my dc again.

[gherkinsaplenty]

Once he's gone off on his trip I will message his Dd and let her know how things have panned out and that I've left the things in the outhouse. I'll give her brief details of his behaviour so she knows why it's so unacceptable and that I've told him not to contact me further. His lovely neighbours might come out when I take the stuff and they were quite wise to his weird ways with some things and I don't think they will be surprised. He's had a few run ins with them on both sides with them mopping up blood after arguments with his wife.

[billy1966]

OP,
You sound like such a lovely woman, but please take @DFOD excellent advice.

He is a disgusting predator.

I absolutely think you need to be ruthless.

Return his crap.
Tell him to NOT contact you again, firmly in a letter left with his crap.
Photograph the letter.

Spell it out to his daughter that this will be a police matter.
Send a picture of the letter to his daughter.
Tell the daughter he is drink driving so she can't say she doesn't know.
Tell HER she needs to ring the authorities about his drink driving.

If he comes NEAR your home call the police.

Give them his daughters number and tell them that both of them were informed you wish to be left alone.

Hard on his daughter but he needs to be in a home if he is drink driving and behaving like a predator.

This is not on you.

[gherkinsaplenty]

I feel like I'm overreacting still. I bet he's not told his Dd that I'm not working for him any more. He'll have said I'm off for the holidays but back in September.

[billy1966]

Who cares what bullshit he has said.

You tell her EXACTLY what has happened.

[wellhelloitsme]

@gherkinsaplenty

I feel like I'm overreacting still. I bet he's not told his Dd that I'm not working for him any more. He'll have said I'm off for the holidays but back in September.

Overreacting?! Have you read that long list back?

He's openly fantasised about sharing a room with your DS and spoken about being sexually attracted to your DD.

He's been racist.

He's drink driving regularly.

You said no contact and he came to your home that you share with your kids and delivered a three page letter.

Come on OP, you can't seriously still be thinking that you're overreacting?

Read your list of his bad behaviour back and then tell me if you still feel that way...

[loseridiot]

It is advisable you tell the daughter. It's out in the open then and she will be wiser if he employs somebody else. Hope you're okay and well done on walking away. It's good you're recognizing this.

[wellhelloitsme]

@gherkinsaplenty

I feel like I'm overreacting still. I bet he's not told his Dd that I'm not working for him any more. He'll have said I'm off for the holidays but back in September.

So tell her yourself.

You are massively under reacting at this point.

He's attempt to groom you and have access to your children. Openly sexualised your daughter.

To maintain any contact or think he is a fundamentally good guy is not safeguarding your children.

You need to call the police if he attempts contact even once more,

[gherkinsaplenty]

Yes, I had drafted a message to her and told her what had happened but not in great detail and has said I was concerned about anyone else working for him. I will send it to her.
Don't worry, I will not be contacting him again and he won't be anywhere near my children.

[gherkinsaplenty]

I've just read it back to myself and it's got all the information with no emotion and no unnecessary details. I will add in that I've now told him not to contact me and my plans to return the items when he's away. That should hopefully draw a line under it.

[DFOD]

@gherkinsaplenty

I've just read it back to myself and it's got all the information with no emotion and no unnecessary details. I will add in that I've now told him not to contact me and my plans to return the items when he's away. That should hopefully draw a line under it.

You need to cut and paste your list.

Every detail.

They are facts and not emotional or speculation. She needs to know the extend of his repeated behaviour.

Otherwise you are inadvertently colluding with him.

[gherkinsaplenty]

I don't think it's necessary to include everything. It already includes his racism, divulging sexual stories and information, exposing himself and his excessive communications.

My friend has the books for returning and they will be returned today. Then I will message the daughter and let her know. Sadly I don't think his daughter knowing will have much effect as he disregards whatever she says but at least she will know why I'm no longer working there and that her dad is trying to emotionally blackmail me into going back.

[DFOD]

@gherkinsaplenty

I don't think it's necessary to include everything. It already includes his racism, divulging sexual stories and information, exposing himself and his excessive communications.

My friend has the books for returning and they will be returned today. Then I will message the daughter and let her know. Sadly I don't think his daughter knowing will have much effect as he disregards whatever she says but at least she will know why I'm no longer working there and that her dad is trying to emotionally blackmail me into going back.

Sounds good.

Have you detailed your expectations and consequences eg: zero contact or report to police for harassment? This needs to be hard hitting otherwise she won’t take any action.

You said something about clearing up blood and the deceased wife - does he have a history of physical violence?

[gherkinsaplenty]

I understand he and his wife had an explosive relationship although they loved each other very much. Both sides neighbours have told me about incidents where he has been aggressive about things and then he's right as rain as though the incident that caused his rage never happened. I don't know any details about the mopping up blood comments apart from the big rows they had and the neighbours intervening and calling the police. All a long time ago from what I gather. Lots of stories from him about when he'd threatened people, been in court for assault and such like in his younger days. All totally at odds with how he appeared to me and I didn't really take much of his stories like that seriously.
I don't want to threaten with the police.

[DFOD]

@gherkinsaplenty

I understand he and his wife had an explosive relationship although they loved each other very much. Both sides neighbours have told me about incidents where he has been aggressive about things and then he's right as rain as though the incident that caused his rage never happened. I don't know any details about the mopping up blood comments apart from the big rows they had and the neighbours intervening and calling the police. All a long time ago from what I gather. Lots of stories from him about when he'd threatened people, been in court for assault and such like in his younger days. All totally at odds with how he appeared to me and I didn't really take much of his stories like that seriously.
I don't want to threaten with the police.

This is hugely concerning.

He has a significant violent past.

You and your DCs are at risk.

I would speak to the police - he has form.

[wellhelloitsme]

All totally at odds with how he appeared to me and I didn't really take much of his stories like that seriously.

It's not at all at odds with how he appeared to you OP. It's entirely in keeping with a creepy, boundary pushing, racist, predatory man with a supreme sense of entitlement and refusal to respect other people saying 'no'.

Gently OP, why on earth do you think him having a violent past is out of character at all based on the list of things he's done that you shared upthread??

[gherkinsaplenty]

He was very kind in many ways, generous, bought me food, gave lifts, offered days out and to pay for them. Things that would be considered kind by people. Yet when you compare them with the other things he said and did it's contradictory and I find they difficult to process even though I understand it's part of how these people operate. They have to be charming and generous and kind because how else would they rope you in? It's just a bit of a headfuck and me being autistic makes it even harder to understand that duplicity.

[billy1966]

He sounds like a violent thug, but just and older one.

I wouldn't hesitate to get on to the police, I bet his reputation proceeds him.

[wellhelloitsme]

I'm not sure what else to say OP, other than I think it would be a really sensible idea (especially in light of his violent history) to at least speak to the police and ask them if there's anything else you should do now that you've sent his stuff back and messaged his daughter.

You're still confused but this man openly sexualised your daughter to you and requested to sleep in a room alone with your son.

Their wellbeing need to come first. You need to be utterly disgusted with him, not hold on to memories of times he gave you a lift / bought some food etc.

Sometimes people really are just bad. Even if they do some 'good' things to make us feel indebted to them or to give themselves plausible deniability "but I'm such a nice guy, I did xyz".

He's a wrongen. He shouldn't be anywhere close to your childrens orbit.

Have you told them he's a bad bloke so you won't be helping him anymore and if he tries to talk to them, they are to under no circumstances chat to him even if he says you've said it's ok (he would be lying obviously) because you would never say it's ok? You need to safeguard them by doing so.

[gherkinsaplenty]

Yes, the dc know why I'm not working for him anymore. I'll redraft the letter and chat with the police about things. I have a ring doorbell which provides peace of mind along with the fact he will be away a lot over the next 6 weeks or so.

[wellhelloitsme]

That sounds like a good plan OP. I really would talk to the police. They may even have a record of his history if he's ever been prosecuted and can advise accordingly