Page 16 | Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

graceelli · 2022-07-02T15:40:10+00:00

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father. My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker. My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids. Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there. I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

beautyisthefaceisee · 04/07/2022 00:02

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Thanks, pal. And you too, you also shared your story x

slowcookerforone · 04/07/2022 00:09

Also if I knew you and you did get pregnant with someone from this family I would ring social services/child protection and warn them your unborn child was at risk.
Better your child was removed from you than to let this happen and I don't say that lightly.

I say that as I person who has witness the effect on the woman I know who was abused as a baby and how the damage has played out in her life. She has had her children removed because her mental health (solely contributed to the rape/rapes as a baby) is so messed up.

I wish you had the time to Google the effect on victims.

Eatingchips · 04/07/2022 08:35

Although you are quite young OP and not planning big event yet there is still a chance of a surprise pregnancy at any time.

The wedding really isn’t a big issue you can mitigate the issues for that day by not inviting children, the real issues will begin when you have children. As others have said your FIL is clearly already manipulative and has groomed his own family to minimise his actions. You have no idea how hard it is breaking this stuff down. As a victim I tried in my own family but really smart intelligent and from the outside good people could not be awakened to the issues of abuse in our family and as I said I don’t speak to any of them. Having a broken family full of estrangement is not easy and in your case if you were unable to protect that child you will likely bring that trauma into the next generation too. Even you are totally taken in by the denial, minimising, rationalising for your FIL. I know it isn’t easy breaking up with a much loved partner but there is so much that could go wrong here, the risks to your happiness are enormous.

wellhelloitsme · 04/07/2022 08:55

So sorry that happened and that you weren't believed and protected @Eatingchips

Eatingchips · 04/07/2022 09:07

Thanks @wellhelloitsme.

yzed · 04/07/2022 10:04

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:26

beautyisthefaceisee · 03/07/2022 13:54

@graceelli you need to a) quote who youre talking to and b) actually listen to what we are saying instead of rushing to defend.

sorry, this is the first time i used this forum so i was just hitting the “reply” option. i will quote from now on, thank you

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:29

NoCleverNickname · 03/07/2022 14:17

Did you say those words in your head as you typed them? Can you actually hear yourself?

This man does not, I repeat DOES NOT have demons. * He knew what he was doing. Nobody made him do anything that he didn't want *to do!

He wilfully, deviously, clearly knowing what he was doing, and he manipulated children in the most abhorrent way possible.

He exploited children into committing sexual acts* *for his own pleasure and the pleasure of other paedophiles that he deseminated thus information to, possibly for money.

If none of the above, give you pause for thought then surely what I and @beautyisthefaceisee wrote has had some impact? Made you think about the victims? And you really want to marry into that family? And could you trust your BF around children? You wouldn't ever wonder about him? Does the apple fall far from the tree?

You need to reconsider this relationship carefully.

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by demons i just meant he obviously has issues which of course he does considering everything. i’m not trying to say it’s temptation from the devil or something. yes this guy is a bad person.

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:32

wellhelloitsme · 03/07/2022 14:25

@graceelli

It's quite unusual that you haven't responded to any of the people who shared difficult personal experiences to say 'I'm so sorry that happened to you' or similar.

I can't understand why you've shown no empathy to them when they've taken the time to share their experience with you.

Please take the time to read, digest and take on board everyone's posts as they have taken the time to respond to you which is what you asked people to do when you posted.

PTSD doesn't make you sexually attracted to children, just as it doesn't make you gay or straight. His dad is a paedophile and he is surrounded by a family of apologists and minimisers.

You would be incredibly selfish to have a paedophile at your wedding without letting your family and friends with kids know in advance so they can make an informed decision about whether or not to attend.

You would be unthinkably selfish and irresponsible to have a baby with a man who hasn't cut ties with a convicted paedophile because whatever he says about never giving him unsupervised contact, he still expects some contact and 1. they don't need to be alone to abuse them, 2. they can still be thinking of the child sexually even if they don't harm them and 3. if you split up you have no way at all of stopping your child's dad having your children around his paedophile father for the rest of their childhood and will never know if they're alone with him or not.

I appreciate you're 21 but if you're thinking about adult decisions, you're going to get robust and straight talking answers.

you are seriously jumping to conclusions with this one. i’ve read all their stories, of course it’s awful and i appreciate them sharing them with me. that is why i posted here, i wanted some insight. but i do have other stuff going on besides this forum and i’ve received 300+ responses so responding to everyone isn’t easy. that’s what i’m doing now.

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wellhelloitsme · 04/07/2022 12:33

by demons i just meant he obviously has issues

He's a paedophile who has abused, and with that long a prison sentence, likely raped children.

Do you understand that as it doesn't come across like you do?

I'm not asking that snarkily, I'm genuinely concerned you don't realise how serious his crimes must have been to reach that sentencing threshold.

Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:34

BadNomad · 03/07/2022 14:26

I think you're thinking previous trauma made him do it? That he was sick when he did those bad things, but if he's better he won't do it again?

That's not how paedophilia works. It's not a temporary thing. It's a sexual preference. Like being attracted to women, or men, or older people. Those are harmless. But for him, it's a sexual attraction to children. He will always be sexually attracted to children, and the fact he has crossed the line into making it physical, mean he will ALWAYS be dangerous.

He should not be supported in having any kind of relationship with children.

no i don’t think his previous trauma is what caused it. i was just mentioning those things to explain he’s got issues clearly. not saying those issues caused him to offend

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:35

Happyher · 03/07/2022 09:28

Maybe you should contact the police. Explain your connection to a RSO and ask if you can speak to his offender manager and see if they can let you know what risks you need to be aware of. Then you can make a decision based on facts

thank you, i will try that

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wellhelloitsme · 04/07/2022 12:37

you are seriously jumping to conclusions with this one.

What incorrect conclusions have I 'jumped to' in that post?

I said: you didn't respond to the posters who told stories of their abuse (you hadn't done), PTSD doesn't turn you into a paedophile (it doesn't), that it would be selfish to invite a paedophile to your wedding with kids present (it would, don't you think?) and that having a baby with someone who hasn't cut ties with a paedophile would be selfish and irresponsible because if you ever split up you cannot police whether that child has contact with the paedophile, it would be down to the child's father to make that choice (do you not agree?)

Not sure which of those things you think is me jumping to conclusions...

Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:37

beautyisthefaceisee · 03/07/2022 12:57

Do you speak to your own parents?

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yes i do

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:42

wellhelloitsme · 04/07/2022 12:37

you are seriously jumping to conclusions with this one.

What incorrect conclusions have I 'jumped to' in that post?

I said: you didn't respond to the posters who told stories of their abuse (you hadn't done), PTSD doesn't turn you into a paedophile (it doesn't), that it would be selfish to invite a paedophile to your wedding with kids present (it would, don't you think?) and that having a baby with someone who hasn't cut ties with a paedophile would be selfish and irresponsible because if you ever split up you cannot police whether that child has contact with the paedophile, it would be down to the child's father to make that choice (do you not agree?)

Not sure which of those things you think is me jumping to conclusions...

i think it’s unfair to claim i don’t empathize with these people just because i hadn’t gotten around to responding to their post. i didn’t once say that PTSD turned him into a pedo. i was just adding more info on this man’s life for context. i don’t think anything could cause someone to be a pedo, it’s just who they are

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:47

beautyisthefaceisee · 03/07/2022 13:06

@graceelli When I was 19, I met a boy who was a county lines drug dealer. He was 23. I was on my summer holidays from my first year at uni and I met him at a hospitality job. I fell for him instantly. His cheeky charm, the way he carried himself.

The feeling was mutual although we were different sides of the track - He came from a (very) rough family where few of them worked, I came from a fairly well off family and my dad was a policeman. That night, we went for a drink and he told me about how his mum had him running drugs at 13, how he was addicted to various substances, was in loads of debt, and was very open. This was all true, btw. We connected that night and I fell in love with him in weeks.

I used to want to protect him from the world - I remember him phoning me once at 2am because his mother was being abusive and he got on a train and came to stay with me for a week. He lived off me as he couldn't hold down a job because of his behaviour. I was with him through the weeks of no contact because he'd lost/sold his phone, the times he wouldn't speak to me because a dealer had threatened me because he owed him money.

This went on for 8 years, OP. But I loved him and I was determined I would fix him, and that the few words of love I got every few weeks was enough. I knew he loved me in his own way and I was willing to put everything below him. I like you had plans for us to move away from our families (my dad hated him, and his mother hated me) and start our lives away from everything. I had images of just me and him in our wee house wiht our children living our life.

What actually happened was by year 8 I had fucked up my uni degree, lost a lot of weight and had anxiety and depression, an addiction to alcohol, I slept with various men including people he knew in an attempt to try and goad him into cleaning his act up, and I lost most of my friends.

This was a long time ago and I'm now pretty settled, a new group of friends, a good job, and mentally and physically pretty well, that took a lot of work though (I'm now 30). I haven't been successful in holding down relationships with the damage he caused.

I hadn't spoken to him for a number of years (I flipped one night and just cut him off) and there was a time I couln't hear his name without crying. I used to stalk his social media for signs he was moving on. And slowly but surely,I moved on (I moved away, which was the start, and surely the pieces came back together).

I bumped into him in a train station and he is doing well, off the drugs, stopped dealing, has a lovely girlfriend and a house. He told me losing me was the best thing that ever happened to him as he learned he had to fix it himself. However, I will never heal and the damage is done forever.

You are young, so young, and however much you love this man, your job is not to fix him. Don't waste nearly 10 years like I did OP. There are millions of men in this world who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Walk. Before it's too late. And do not mistake the hurt and tears you will feel as an acknowledgement that its the wrong decision. It's OK to grieve what you thought you'd had. And don't jump into another relationship, either. I can't imagine you've spent a lot of time on yourself.

Do me a favour, even if you don't take this in. Answer me these questions

What do you love about him?
What do you love about yourself?
What do you want from your life?
What job would you like to do?
What would your friends say about you as a person?

thank you for your response and sharing that with me. i went through a similar situation when i was 19. many people in this thread believe i’ve been dating my current boyfriend since i was 16. but i forgot to add that we did break up when i was in highschool. and it was because of his parents. at 17-18 i started dating this guy that seemed to have less baggage and didn’t have a criminal as a father. i still experienced abuse. i even found a nude photo of a child that he had held on to all the way from middle school. him and his father were both creeps too just hadn’t been caught. i dated him until i was 20, went through too many years of substance abuse being with him.

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:52

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/07/2022 22:10

I think you are too young to be thinking about marriage OP.

And when you do think about it, make it with someone who doesn’t make excuses for his sex offender Dad. He is also young which is some excuse. But take this down a notch, forget about marriage for a while.

i always think about marriage when dating someone. if i don’t think marriage is achievable, why stay in the relationship

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Eatingchips · 04/07/2022 13:02

graceelli · 04/07/2022 12:47

thank you for your response and sharing that with me. i went through a similar situation when i was 19. many people in this thread believe i’ve been dating my current boyfriend since i was 16. but i forgot to add that we did break up when i was in highschool. and it was because of his parents. at 17-18 i started dating this guy that seemed to have less baggage and didn’t have a criminal as a father. i still experienced abuse. i even found a nude photo of a child that he had held on to all the way from middle school. him and his father were both creeps too just hadn’t been caught. i dated him until i was 20, went through too many years of substance abuse being with him.

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Do you recognise that might be a pattern of behaviour from your own childhood abuse?

Have you read the shark cafe analogy?

Shark cage link hopefully the link works but I think you need to do a lot of work on yourself before getting into a serious relationship.

Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 13:04

i would also like to say thank you to everyone else who has shared their stories with me. as you can see, this thread has now reached 16 pages so it is hard for me to find each story and reply to them all. but you are heard. please believe i am not taking any of this lightly and each and every one of your responses will help me make the right decision for me, and my future. this is the first time i’ve ever posted something and have so many responses so it is a bit overwhelming.

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TiredEyes1991 · 04/07/2022 13:05

Another one who thinks you should run. If you do decide to stay there is no way in hell I would have kids with your partner and even if you did, never put him on the birth certificate. Obviously I know he’s never commited a crime but if you broke up he would have the same rights as you. He could have your innocent child around his father and you’d have no say in it.
you both agreeing that you’d never leave your child alone with him means nothing - he can still have thoughts about your child. Besides if you have to put in place a rule where your chile can’t even be alone with their grandad then I think that tells you everything you need to know

I get your partner deep down loves his dad but the crime he commited is vile. The fact he has no problem with his dad being around kids (at your wedding) says he doesn’t comprehend fully what he’s done.

I could be wrong but I imagine you’ll probably have to inform your midwife when you’re pregnant about his convictions, she may or may not inform social services.

inthink you need to give your partner an ultimatum to be honest. Either w life with you which doesn’t include his father or you walk away

beastlyslumber · 04/07/2022 13:26

I think there's been a bit of bullying towards you on this thread, OP. Obviously you do have empathy and you do care, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about this. I think you're right to be thinking and talking about it, and most of us on the thread have compassion for your situation.

As you have previously been in an abusive relationship, and sound like you come from an abusive family background also, you might find the freedom programme resources helpful in sorting out your thoughts and feelings about your past and current relationships.

TiddleyWink · 04/07/2022 13:32

Sorry OP but it says something deeply, deeply concerning about you that you’re willing to even stand in the same room as that monster. Put aside the rest of it - any decent person would probably vomit on sight of that man, never mind be open to having him at their wedding and other social occasions. Your boundaries are non existent and it’s very worrying (understatement of the year) that you’re not more disgusted by him. I’m trying not to say something I shouldn’t but bluntly, anyone who can be in the same room
as him is not someone I would want in the same room as me.

You’ve obviously been through a lot - I just hope you can get yourself some serious therapy before your future children are subjected to the same cycle of abuse and trauma.

Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 13:42

beastlyslumber · 04/07/2022 13:26

I think there's been a bit of bullying towards you on this thread, OP. Obviously you do have empathy and you do care, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about this. I think you're right to be thinking and talking about it, and most of us on the thread have compassion for your situation.

As you have previously been in an abusive relationship, and sound like you come from an abusive family background also, you might find the freedom programme resources helpful in sorting out your thoughts and feelings about your past and current relationships.

thank you so much for this response. i think a lot of people are forgetting i am 21, brand new to this world. i’m just trying to find my way and just because i made a post about my boyfriend doesn’t mean we are going to even make it to marriage. i am in therapy for the family abuse and for what my previous bf caused for me. but honestly, all men come off as creeps to me after experiencing what i’ve gone through. so i wouldn’t trust my future children around any man except my father, husband, and brothers.

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Original poster

graceelli · 04/07/2022 13:44

TiddleyWink · 04/07/2022 13:32

Sorry OP but it says something deeply, deeply concerning about you that you’re willing to even stand in the same room as that monster. Put aside the rest of it - any decent person would probably vomit on sight of that man, never mind be open to having him at their wedding and other social occasions. Your boundaries are non existent and it’s very worrying (understatement of the year) that you’re not more disgusted by him. I’m trying not to say something I shouldn’t but bluntly, anyone who can be in the same room
as him is not someone I would want in the same room as me.

You’ve obviously been through a lot - I just hope you can get yourself some serious therapy before your future children are subjected to the same cycle of abuse and trauma.

thank you for the moral judgement, Tiddlywink. i’m sure you feel high and mighty making judgements about people you don’t even know who have never committed a crime in their life. and to some is still a child their self. also i’ve been in therapy since highschool and just recently got on medication so just an example that you don’t know me. good day to you

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Palmfrond · 04/07/2022 13:51

Be very very very careful who you marry.
You are binding yourself to that person, and to some degree to their family, permanently so if children are involved.
I don’t want to overstate this, and there are many exceptions, but family traits can be very persistent and may not manifest themselves until later in life, and you and your bf are both very young.
Im not saying your boyfriend will turn into a paedophile of course, and he may remain a lovely guy forever, but even ignoring any genetically inherited traits, we all learn behaviours from our parents that become a truly essential part of us, and these behaviours express themselves differently over time.