Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

Leave now before you have children. I could never comprehend the situation you are picturing at all. You are 21 please don't marry this man and ruin you're entire life.

This 100%, OP. You're already being pressured into something you're not comfortable with and know is morally wrong, and you're not even engaged yet!

I'm concerned that he's not even willing to budge in a conversation about a hypothetical future wedding. That tells me he feels strongly about it, and he's sure not going to budge when it really comes to it.

I'm sure he is a lovely person, and you're right that it's not his fault who his dad is. I understand it feels unfair. But it's not remotely as unfair as going into a situation where you will end up allowing children to be around a paedophile. It doesn't matter if they're supervised, please don't underestimate the damage people like your FIL can do even under supervision. There is an absolute 0% chance that I would ever let my baby in the same room as someone who I knew was a paedophile, even if I was there with them the whole time.

If you break up, you have literally no way to stop your boyfriend taking your children to see your FIL.

Even if you don't break up, you will basically need to never leave your child with your partner in order to ensure they don't come into contact with your FIL.

That's a very stressful life to live, and you're so, so young, OP!

It will be painful for your boyfriend to go nc with his dad. That's still his dad, after all. But it's the right thing to do to protect your future children. And not allowing him around children at your wedding is the only right path here - that means either there are no children there, or no FIL. It doesn't mean invite both and just try and keep an eye on him.

As he's grown up with a family of minimisers and enablers, your boyfriend is understandably in a lot of denial. But that needs to change. And if he doesn't change, you don't need to sign up to a life of stress and surveillance.

Maybe you should contact the police. Explain your connection to a RSO and ask if you can speak to his offender manager and see if they can let you know what risks you need to be aware of. Then you can make a decision based on facts

This is 110% a .

The OP's first post is written in 'proper' English, good SPAG. Later posts read like a ten year old has written them.

(and one for luck )

It occurs to me that you might try using Sarah's law. Google it.

Is OP American ‘college’ and ‘reali’z’ed’ (it wouldn’t let me type realised with a ‘z’!

Whatever it might be @graceelli you said you come from a traumatic background too, therefore that in itself makes you more accepting of what isn’t ‘normal’ or susceptible to grooming. I say this as someone in therapy, abused as a child and also from a family of alcoholics.

I really hope you find the strength to walk away, take that college education and live your life away from your current BF and his family.

the one thing he wants is his dad to be there at his wedding

Yes, and if you were foolish enough to marry him and have children, there'd soon be other "one things" he'd want, and you'd probably be called "way off" for refusing those too since it's obvious he doesn't understand at all.

I expect he doesn't understand either that other parents may avoid the house, and that future DCs' friendships could be massively affcted by this

You weren't to know all this when you met him as a child, but you know now and fortunately have ample time to start again with someone else. It might be painful for a while, but nothing like as painful as the nightmare you could be letting yourself in for with this one

at the time his father was also a raging alcoholic because he had PTSD after being deployed in Iraq for some time.
So now OP minimises FILs crimes, there's no hope of her seeing the light 🙄

What on earth do you think he got up to in Iraq where he had the extra security of guns to ensure nobody said a thing?

i expect it to have the same affect on him as we have plans to move him almost 2 hours away from his family

i told him we would get him in therapy soo

by him, you mean your boyfriend? Why are you taking responsibility for him? can he not find a therapist? Why is he so dependent on you for these things?

This thread has really opened my eyes.

in my world a child molester would be shunned 100%.

but here was have a man who has clearly committed horrendous crimes against children being embraced by his family, accepted by his son and now excused by his future daughter in law.

this is how offenders continue to have access to underage family members.

there has been no mention of this man’s victims by OP. No recognition that lives have been destroyed by this monster.

so what if he want to attend his sons wedding. So what if he has PTSD. He is a child abuser.

OP you are very young. I hope you escape from this family. You boyfriend doesn’t sound like he will ever make the break. His father will abuse any children you have if you stay. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound he is strong enough to stop this. You don’t sound like you are strong enough to stop this. So run.

Are you sure your bf hasn't been a victim himself? Sorry to go there, but wouldn't you be worried about history repeating itself a little? I know he's not the criminal here, but downplaying it is so unacceptable. For every reason here, I'm afraid everything points to you ending this relationship.

Do you speak to your own parents?

@graceelli When I was 19, I met a boy who was a county lines drug dealer. He was 23. I was on my summer holidays from my first year at uni and I met him at a hospitality job. I fell for him instantly. His cheeky charm, the way he carried himself.

The feeling was mutual although we were different sides of the track - He came from a (very) rough family where few of them worked, I came from a fairly well off family and my dad was a policeman. That night, we went for a drink and he told me about how his mum had him running drugs at 13, how he was addicted to various substances, was in loads of debt, and was very open. This was all true, btw. We connected that night and I fell in love with him in weeks.

I used to want to protect him from the world - I remember him phoning me once at 2am because his mother was being abusive and he got on a train and came to stay with me for a week. He lived off me as he couldn't hold down a job because of his behaviour. I was with him through the weeks of no contact because he'd lost/sold his phone, the times he wouldn't speak to me because a dealer had threatened me because he owed him money.

This went on for 8 years, OP. But I loved him and I was determined I would fix him, and that the few words of love I got every few weeks was enough. I knew he loved me in his own way and I was willing to put everything below him. I like you had plans for us to move away from our families (my dad hated him, and his mother hated me) and start our lives away from everything. I had images of just me and him in our wee house wiht our children living our life.

What actually happened was by year 8 I had fucked up my uni degree, lost a lot of weight and had anxiety and depression, an addiction to alcohol, I slept with various men including people he knew in an attempt to try and goad him into cleaning his act up, and I lost most of my friends.

This was a long time ago and I'm now pretty settled, a new group of friends, a good job, and mentally and physically pretty well, that took a lot of work though (I'm now 30). I haven't been successful in holding down relationships with the damage he caused.

I hadn't spoken to him for a number of years (I flipped one night and just cut him off) and there was a time I couln't hear his name without crying. I used to stalk his social media for signs he was moving on. And slowly but surely,I moved on (I moved away, which was the start, and surely the pieces came back together).

I bumped into him in a train station and he is doing well, off the drugs, stopped dealing, has a lovely girlfriend and a house. He told me losing me was the best thing that ever happened to him as he learned he had to fix it himself. However, I will never heal and the damage is done forever.

You are young, so young, and however much you love this man, your job is not to fix him. Don't waste nearly 10 years like I did OP. There are millions of men in this world who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Walk. Before it's too late. And do not mistake the hurt and tears you will feel as an acknowledgement that its the wrong decision. It's OK to grieve what you thought you'd had. And don't jump into another relationship, either. I can't imagine you've spent a lot of time on yourself.

Do me a favour, even if you don't take this in. Answer me these questions

What do you love about him?
What do you love about yourself?
What do you want from your life?
What job would you like to do?
What would your friends say about you as a person?

it is a result of growing up in such a toxic household. he needs help getting things set up because he just doesn’t know how or where to start.

not trying to minimize. just adding extra info that i had left out that might help. obviously this guy (his father) has some demons.

this was not helpful and extremely rude. i’m sorry my rushed responses make me come off as a ten year old as compared to my well thought out and constructed initial post.

thank you, i will try doing that.

No thank you ..your 21.. GO find someone else .. you don't need this in your life .. or at best both of you should have no contact with the father

This could be my story. I came from a very abusive background and additionally I was tortured by my stepmother. My first memory of her was when it was my birthday. My father had given me a big chocolate cake and I'd eaten it all. She wasn't happy because she said I wouldn't eat my dinner. The dinner was boiled fish and spinach and very bland. We came from different cultures and up until her marrying my dad, I'd only ever eaten spicy food so to me, it was awful. Well, I did vomit. Onto my plate. She made me eat it. My dad wasn't home at the time. He was an alcoholic. That was my 4th birthday. Things didn't get better, they actually got worse.

Anyway, when you're damaged like that, certain types of people can sense it and they know that they can manipulate you.

I met my own charming b@st**d. Got pregnant very quickly. He never hit me until I was 8 months pregnant. I had nowhere to go. It took years for me to heal. I left pretty quickly, 5 years later, when I had 3 kids. He never paid a red cent towards their upbringing. I met a lovely man, some years and new century later. As soon as the ex found out, he did everything he could to split us up. Well, now we live somewhere that he can't get too and have a much better life.

This my revenge to all of them, my dad, his now ex wife - everyone. I've picked myself up and dusted myself off. I spent 23 years of my life being abused in someway.

@graceelli, I'm a grandma now and reading your posts is making me so sad. I've lived what I call a big life. I came from an upper-class background and was very educated, schoolwise. Once I was able to get myself sorted out, I went to university and got a degree and realised that I loved learning so much, that I went back to university again, a few times.

You can't learn the same lessons just by reading about someone else's experiences but you can gain some wisdom from it.

To beautyisthefaceisee I'm sorry for hijacking your post. I hug you as a fellow survivor and tell you, you're young and I promise you, things do get better 🌹

@graceelli you need to a) quote who youre talking to and b) actually listen to what we are saying instead of rushing to defend.

No apologies needed! Thanks for sharing your story, the bit about the dinner made my blood run cold. <3

Nothing can excuse the horrendous crimes he has committed. There is no need for context - it doesn’t in any way change the story.

do you know his victims - do you feel sympathy for them? Does your boyfriend express concern about them, disgust about what his father did?

it all seems very accepting. You seem to hide behind the term
exploitation. Do you know what he actually did? Please contact the police and find out.

Why are you choosing to marry into the family of a known paedophile?

As I understand it the crux of the issue with paedophilia is that it is a sexual preference. People who abuse children do it because of something they can't change. The existence of laws against it doesn't deter them just makes them covert about it, which in turn makes them manipulative and predatory. They don't see the error of their ways because they don't think they are wrong to indulge their sexual preference. Therefore always a threat - and because of this often get better at not getting caught once they have been.

Child sexual exploitation is awful - grooming and bribing the child and sometimes convincing them they are in a loving relationship

It sounds like your boyfriend's father has also groomed his family - probably blamed the child, said they were as into the relationship as he was and it's a travesty the law doesn't let them be together blah blah blah.

Your boyfriend will not keep your theoretical kids away from him, once they are there it will be all "he just wants to get to know his grandchild" and he will go behind your back to make it happen. Don't be naive about it and think things will change.