Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

Did you say those words in your head as you typed them? Can you actually hear yourself?

This man does not, I repeat DOES NOT have demons. * He knew what he was doing. Nobody made him do anything that he didn't want *to do!

He wilfully, deviously, clearly knowing what he was doing, and he manipulated children in the most abhorrent way possible.

He exploited children into committing sexual acts* *for his own pleasure and the pleasure of other paedophiles that he deseminated thus information to, possibly for money.

If none of the above, give you pause for thought then surely what I and @beautyisthefaceisee wrote has had some impact? Made you think about the victims? And you really want to marry into that family? And could you trust your BF around children? You wouldn't ever wonder about him? Does the apple fall far from the tree?

You need to reconsider this relationship carefully.

Yeah, weve all reconsidered our opinons because the paedo has demons.

Wonder if the child he molested does.

Why on earth would you consider marrying into a family which enables and down plays this behaviour?

@graceelli

It's quite unusual that you haven't responded to any of the people who shared difficult personal experiences to say 'I'm so sorry that happened to you' or similar.

I can't understand why you've shown no empathy to them when they've taken the time to share their experience with you.

Please take the time to read, digest and take on board everyone's posts as they have taken the time to respond to you which is what you asked people to do when you posted.

PTSD doesn't make you sexually attracted to children, just as it doesn't make you gay or straight. His dad is a paedophile and he is surrounded by a family of apologists and minimisers.

You would be incredibly selfish to have a paedophile at your wedding without letting your family and friends with kids know in advance so they can make an informed decision about whether or not to attend.

You would be unthinkably selfish and irresponsible to have a baby with a man who hasn't cut ties with a convicted paedophile because whatever he says about never giving him unsupervised contact, he still expects some contact and 1. they don't need to be alone to abuse them, 2. they can still be thinking of the child sexually even if they don't harm them and 3. if you split up you have no way at all of stopping your child's dad having your children around his paedophile father for the rest of their childhood and will never know if they're alone with him or not.

I appreciate you're 21 but if you're thinking about adult decisions, you're going to get robust and straight talking answers.

I think you're thinking previous trauma made him do it? That he was sick when he did those bad things, but if he's better he won't do it again?

That's not how paedophilia works. It's not a temporary thing. It's a sexual preference. Like being attracted to women, or men, or older people. Those are harmless. But for him, it's a sexual attraction to children. He will always be sexually attracted to children, and the fact he has crossed the line into making it physical, mean he will ALWAYS be dangerous.

He should not be supported in having any kind of relationship with children.

Thanks. Both and I the Pp who shared our experiences are worthy of acknowledgement, I think!

the blinkers are well and truly on.

You’re in for a life time of social services checking up on you and you constantly worrying (well at least I hope you’d worry) that your children are being molested.
GET OUT NOW.

I think that both you and @wellhelloitsme have hit the nail on the head! @graceelli does really believe* *that a paedophile is made such by a traumatic event or such and thus can be healed.

They can't. Some genuinely want to change, they feel disgusted with themselves and look in to chemical castration* *and such like but that doesn't take away the thoughts, emotions, yearnings.

It doesn't sound like that's the case here. You don't mention any kind of remorse or grief over what he's done but rather there's a sense of "it wasn't that bad".

Well, it was. It was bad enough for him to at least 15 years in prison. And who knows how long on the sex offenders register.

And honestly? It's quite comedic, the way you are hurt or insulted by people being "rude" or aggressively toned towards you!

You feel hurt? Condemned? Disliked? Attacked? By a bunch of people you don't know but you think it's okay for this man to have SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN. Let's just pause for a moment as we think about that.

On one hand, we have YOU, UPSET AND HURT OVER SOME POSTS on internet, written by a bunch of strangers.

On the other hand, we have YOU, DEFENDING A CONVICTED PAEDOPHILE, WHO PREYED ON CHILDREN FOR HIS OWN PLEASURE.

Think about that.

I also wonder who you are. I mean, why post all this about your BF's family and then get upset when people are honest and forthright with you.

Did you expect eclairs, cucumber sandwiches and cups of tea? While we all told you it would be okay?

IT'S NOT OKAY AND IT NEVER WILL BE if you continue down this path.

I wonder if OP is so vehemently defending the father because there are things about the boyfriend she hasn't disclosed.

I wonder if the BF was a victim. Or perhaps unwittingly and unknowingly provided the paedophile with victims?

Regardless, BF needs therapy and so does OP.

Don't marry someone who makes apologies for a paedophile. I'm sure your BF is lovely, but abusers are very manipulative. If you have kids together your BF won't be able to make the right decisions to keep them safe from your future FIL.

at the time his father was also a raging alcoholic because he had PTSD after being deployed in Iraq for some time

This doesn't make someone a paedo.

And that's even before wondering why your potential FIL did what he did. It isn't an easy topic to consider or discuss, but the army life has often led to abuse of family members, even without deployment in a war zone.

@yzed I've heard that it can lead to someone being more violent if they have PTSD from army life, but never it leading to someone sexually exploiting a child/being a paedo. That is a calculated action rather than being solely impulsive. And PTSD doesn't give someone that inner disposition of being a paedophile.

Direct him to his GP, and then observe if he goes or if he wants full help from you. Also, check how quickly he gives up or if he continues going to therapy. that should give you really good insight.

When someone does not know how to help themselves, we should direct them, but never take over. He needs to be self-motivated for therapy and by searching he is doing the first step.

@graceelli you haven’t empathised with poster like me who shared our experience.

I will say again I was abused in front of family members who did not see this happen to me.

you cannot protect any child from your BF’s father.

I hope you have the strength to walk away. I feel like I don’t want to see updates on this thread anymore because it’s like hitting our heads against a brick wall. You are just not seeing what we are all saying.

And me.
Sorry this happened to you.

I agree. Shes a waste of our time

wish I could block a thread this is triggering me everytime and she won’t listen.

You can. Unwatch and then hide, and you won't see it.

I'm hoping it will be pulled soon anyway.

<3. btw

Not sure if you're in the UK but for somebody to serve 7 years he most probably got given a lot longer than 7 years, could easily have been over 10-12 years

We don't know exactly what he is guilty of but it must be very serious to get this kind of sentence

He is a monster

If you have a child with your boyfriend and split up you will be powerless to stop any contact

I think I'd need to walk, now

This, a 1000 times this.

You will have no control once you have children.

You would be insane to have child with your dp. The crimes his father committed would have been the worst if he was inside for 8 years.

Please listen to your family - they are right to be appalled.

The op.seems to suffer from "scarcity mentality" re finding another partner.

(As well.as all the natural.attaxhment that comes from a romantic relationship, of course).

She's invested and won't walk away

She also thinks that, because she's from an abusive background, some people wouldn't get involved with or stay with her.... and so she's not going to be the same with her bf, she's going tk ve tolerant and supportive etc.

Issue with that is; not many ppl wouldn't get involved with or stay involved with someone just because they have an absuve family background (as long as they seemed functional etc) but a huge amount of ppl would not get involved with or stay involved with someone with a close relative convicted child sex abuser

So its not comparable.

Op also seems to have swallowed the family's excuses and minimisation for the sex offender... alcohol, addiction, ptsd, "demons".

Op"s bf is not going to go NC, he's too far in, he's always going to "compromise". For you future kids and own happiness you need to get out Op.

Noone with sense would touch this with a barge pole, stop having such low standards for yourself . You're very young and will meet someone else without this massive issue.

And yeah, your future daddy is law's victims seem to be very much out of sight, out of mind for you ... exactly what your bf and his family want them to be.

Also you seem to have a saviour complex for your bf.

Lke you have to help him and fix him .... help yourself first.

By analysing why you stayed with him after finding this out, and have bought into the excuses for the child sex offences, and are continuing to make future plans etc.

Also, if he was really "with it", hes ve helping himself...vyoj wouldn't have tk be rescuing him, trying to fix him etc

I know a women who has a convicted pedophile father.
He has raped at least 3 of his 4 children, 2 when they were babies and the 3rd sibling the sexual abuse carried on their own life until they killed themselves.

The father then started abusing his grand daughter (when the mother and father were in the house.) luckily the child (aged 6) told her mother and the police were called.

The man got an 18 month custodial sentence and is now free again.

There is evidence that child who are sexually abused or raped are more likely to being child abusers or rape children too.

That evidence, coupled with the fact your boyfriend is down playing his fathers crimes who make me more concerned about the boyfriend being or becoming an child sexual abuser himself.
I actually would be more worried about him at this point.

I think you need to do the freedom program because I think you are being groomed yourself.
How many 16 year olds (especially those who go to college) go on to marry their first and only boyfriend? It looks so suspect from where I'm sitting.

I'm sad to see so many people wasting their time on this thread.