Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

I wouldn't be happy if it was my wedding and he was invited. I also wouldn't be happy to attend a wedding with a child, knowing that he was there.

Obviously these are all scenarios for the distant future as you're not going to get married anytime soon. There is a good chance your boyfriend will feel very differently in the future. If you have kids, he may feel differently.

At the same time, you also need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may not feel differently at all in the future. How will you get past that hurdle? If you had kids and broke up, how would you feel about him having his dad at his place with your kids?

My advice would be to just walk away now. There is so much baggage and so much uncertainty in this situation. Do you really want to invest in a future surrounding all this?

I would leave and start afresh. Your boyfriend, OP, is being very unreasonable and minimising his father's actions. Imagine you have children. Whether married or not you are connected to your boyfriend for life, and through him to his father. It's not safe or good for you or your family.

You don't say how old your boyfriend was when you met him. He must know his dad was away from the family for so many years, I assume.

Good luck, OP, think sensibly - this is a big decision, much bigger than wedding.

not sure why you left this comment as it was not constructive at all but for some insight: i come from an abusive family as well.

i believe in not wasting time which is why my boyfriend and i had the marriage talk. i don’t plan on getting married for at least another 5 years.

Seriously OP, knowing you come from an abusive family, this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all, because your boyfriend, however lovely, has major issues. The way he's in denial isn't healthy but scary.

You have a fundamental problem,that’ll impact your marriage. Your boyfriend minimises & sidesteps his father crimes. He wants dad in his life,at his wedding and he’ll expect you to accommodate and accept this, he’s already told you this

I think there probably aren’t that many couples now days who stay together having met at 16. I think you need to think about the bigger picture. If you have children will he want his dad to meet them. I presume he can’t be left unattended? If you had children how do you think your version and your boyfriends version of how his dad will be involved differ?
I have a friend whose dad was charged with indecent images. He didn’t tell her social services did. She chose to cut contact and her children and her have zero involvement. She decided it was to much of a risk.
Wedding wise you have a few options make it small and don’t invite FIL.
Or don’t invite kids. Again do you and your bf have similar or different ideas of how your wedding will be?
It doesn’t start well if your parents don’t like his family etc. I would start to consider if you really want the hassle of being married to this family as forever is a looong time!

thank you for your comment. i am fighting for my life here haha. i come from an abusive family as well, i know what it’s like to grow up thinking it’s normal when it’s all you know. moving out and becoming independent is what helped me look at it differently and i expect it to have the same affect on him as we have plans to move him almost 2 hours away from his family. he’s agreed to little to no contact with the family and doesn’t expect me to have a relationship with them at all. i told him we would get him in therapy soon.

his conviction was for sexual exploitation of a minor.

thank you for your comment. i am a victim of physical and verbal abuse. me and my 3 brothers have all suffered as a result. someone could very well want to leave me because of my parents. i never would do what they have done to me onto anyone else. it ruined our family. i expect my boyfriend thinks the same way. i don’t want to punish him for something he did not do. at the time his father was also a raging alcoholic because he had PTSD after being deployed in Iraq for some time. i feel it would be cruel to leave my boyfriend for something he did not have any control over and his minimizing is just him being immature and not ready to face it.

we are not getting married anytime soon lol i’m a college student

I have a sex offender in my family of origin. I don’t speak to any of them. My parents have tried to minimise and pretend and sweep under the rug. I tried for years to get my family to face up to the issues. It was a complete waste of my energy and they didn’t ever face up to it.

You are 21. There are billions of men out there. Throw this one back. It is very possible he won’t get it.

Can I just say that it's not just about not leaving him alone with children. He can't have contact with any children even when there are other people around. People like him can and do molest children in full view and get away with it, I've known it happen. Not going to get graphic but I suspect that is part of the thrill.
You are right in thinking if the paedo comes to your wedding you can't have children there. But who amongst your potential guests would agree to come at all if they knew who they'd be mixing with?

If your family background is complex or traumatic you are more likely to seek stability - like settling down with the boy you fancied at school, @graceelli

Go and count through the responses saying "yes, you can work this out" and those saying "no".

I know it's hard, but, you are choosing a life of, well, complexity.

OP, you were a victim. Let me tell you, because I see doubt in you, nobody will ever desert you for being a victim but, that doubt you carry in your head, it leaves you open and vulnerable to more abuse.
It's good he's going to therapy and you'd be wise to do the same, it'll give you tools to handle life! You can never have too many!
Last thin I want to say is you are worthy of being loved, you are worthy of love and you are worthy of having somebody wonderful by your side. You are worthy of all the good you get. Nobody chooses to be a victim, you didn't choose, it wasn't your decision, so never let anyone treat you like you are not worthy of better treatment. Never settle for people whose vision of the world isn't aligned with yours, that leads to inevitable heartbreak.
Good luck OP!

I don't think you've read any of the hundreds of messages advising you to leave the bf. I suggest you read them tomorrow. I'm really worried for your future children. And for you.

So let's get down to it then. What exactly did this guy DO to be exploiting children? Was he introducing them to others in order they could be sexualising abused? IS he still on the Sex Offenders Register? Is he on it for life? Do you have the correct answer to these questions? If the offence was 10 years ago and there has been no further incidents (and no longer on the Register), at what point is someone said to have paid the price for their offending. 10 years is long time.

At least eight counts of this then:

"Child sexual exploitation (CSE) is a type of sexual abuse in which children and young people are sexually exploited for money, power or status."

Disgusting.

You and he would be incredibly irresponsible and selfish were you to hide this from guests with children.

IMO if your partner hasn't already cut all ties with his dad then you'd be irresponsible and selfish to have a child with him.

@Thistlelass

If the offence was 10 years ago and there has been no further incidents (and no longer on the Register), at what point is someone said to have paid the price for their offending. 10 years is long time.

Paedophiles don't get better.

They may not physically reoffend (though usually will) but they are sexually attracted to children.

The whole 'they've done their time' approach may be what you believe in but I wonder if you would think that if you knew any of the kids he exploited.

Would you honestly let your kids go to his house as 'he's paid the price' already?

So let's get down to it then. What exactly did this guy DO to be exploiting children?

The guy is and always will be a predatory paedophile who sexually abused a child over an 8-year period. Falling off the register does not mean he's been exonerated (if he is indeed no longer on the register). He's still a dirtbag to the bone. That's pretty much fixed for life.

People like him don't belong in gen pop, in society... or at weddings. End of.

People aren't saying leave your boyfriend because of what his father did. They're saying leave him because he's not willing or able to do what needs to be done to protect your future children. How can either of you think it's ok to allow this man around children? It's really fucked up thinking to think having him supervised makes it ok.

Hi Grace Elli. This is such an incredibly sad post. So many lives ruined, or at least negatively impacted by the actions of one man. And that's even before wondering why your potential FIL did what he did. It isn't an easy topic to consider or discuss, but the army life has often led to abuse of family members, even without deployment in a war zone.
However, that's not something you need to consider right now.

One of my concerns is something you wrote in an early post. And please forgive me if I've misunderstood. But when you wrote, "he grew up thinking this stuff was normal and he was lied to as well", did you mean that your BY was the victim of his father's paedophilia/abuse? If so then he'll definitely need a LOT of help, as he's currently still (apparently) living within the " world" of his father's threats and lies.
And if my worry was way out, your BF is still living within the bounds of his family's rules about what to believe and/or admit to the world.

I think that, for both of you, you need to think long and hard about any children who may come into your lives. (Which might be sooner than you plan and thus need earlier decisions than you're currently expecting.). But this might come to affect nephews and nieces, godchildren, friends' children; and even what job you might do (think second career).

I'm thinking emigration - Australia, or perhaps Mars. (My probably -failed attempt to add a lighthearted note to a very serious post. I wish you the very best of everything, including luck.)

We have a similar situation. Honestly, it's hard enough to deal with when you are both on the same page, so if he isnt with you on it then you are right to question your compatibility.
For us we decided it would be either the person in question at the wedding OR children.
Our reason for this being, that as a child I spent supervised time with a sex offender, and unfortunately this wasnt enough to protect me. Dont be fooled into thinking because someone hasnt been caught again, that they haven't re-offended. And dont fall in to the trap of thinking that because he is supervised, he wont find a way. If he wants to, he will. I speak from experience.
You will find that people will be horrified that you would consider having this person in the same room as their child, even with being upfront about it. There will 100% be ppl who you will invite and not know they have abuse in their past. If you do this, you will unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your pov), find that for this alone many ppl will not attend your wedding and may even distance themselves from you generally because of it.
From someone with a great deal of experience in this situation, I strongly suggest you either have your bf's dad OR children at the wedding. But more importantly, really question what it means to have this person in your life long term. At a very basic level, you guys need to 100% be on the same page or it just wont work.

I'm sorry OP if my comment was not constructive. I spoke from the heart as I feel. Whatever you choose to do I wish you well. You asked a question and people have answered as they feel.

.... I would like to add that the person I suffered due to as a child was not a known offender. It was just someone who essentially creeped everyone out and was generally thought to be untrustworthy to the point of 100% supervision with children.