Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

Yes exactly this.

I have a friend OP who is in this exact situation. In fact, you could be her from your post. She is currently seeing her third married man. She seems to believe that they are telling the truth but to me it seems like love bombing (sending loads of flowers etc) and the same old story of they are separating, only staying until the kids finish exams/go to university/yada yada yada.

My friend has always had a string of tricky relationships and I have little doubt in my mind it is due to her childhood and lack of self esteem. Her father left at a crucial age and her mum became a bitter woman who took it out on my friend. It really is a sad tale of a little girl who felt completely unloved throughout her childhood and now in her early 40's is still seeking that love in inappropriate ways. It is so sad as she is an extremely attractive lady, with an excellent job, a lovely house, good fun etc but she constantly does things or has relationships which are so self harming.

I hope you can get some peace in your life and stop this pattern of behaviour because I believe you deserve so much more than scraps of attention here and there.

Does the married man ever imagine the hurt he is causing??

Fixed it for you.

Unfortunately it seems that as you yourself cheated on your last genuine partner you don't find others who cheat unattractive.

For me it is the sign of a man so vile I couldn't bring myself to touch him. It's a horrible, cowardly, egotistical, self-serving arsehole of a way to behave and, of course, if they are capable on cheating WITH you, they are capable of cheating ON you!

My best advice to you would be to break this circle of shady behaviour once and for all. Break of your latest affair, join a dating agency and only pursue relationships with single men! There are lots of divorcees out there, OP! No guilt attached!

'Does the married man ever imagine the hurt he is causing??

Fixed it for you'

Oh jeez do you honestly think those that have been betrayed don't bloody know this. Honestly the laziest response I ever see on here!

So you’ve gone through the process of texting, flirting, going out for drinks then full blown affair with 3 separate married men? You had ample opportunity to take a step back and say no I’m not doing this but you didn’t. Three times.

You didn’t discuss the affairs with your friends because you knew what you were doing was wrong so the whole woe is me act is nauseating.

It probably does come down to low self esteem and lack of self control I’d agree that you need therapy. If not, you and these disgusting men you get with are going to cause untold damage to some unsuspecting woman and her children.

Also, please be aware that these awful men see you very much as a side piece and a distraction from their everyday lives. Men like this target certain women because they can smell the desperation. They don’t love or respect you and if made to choose between you and their wives, it wouldn’t be you.

There's a few patterns here.

Do you overlap the relationships in order to have the next partner lined up in order to cushion the end of relationship?
Do married men seem 'safe' in some way for you. Are they already 'proven' and safe father or Dad figures?
A part of you knows you may never have to commit to a relationship with them. Maybe it feels you can sort of 'rent' them out but won't have to actually sign for them. Therefore reducing the risk of you having to really really invest everything in the relationship.
I'd be interested to know your family set up? Did you find you were competing with your mother or a sister for your Dad's attention?
Does a part of you feel like you are not quite a grown up, or that you had to grow up too soon and need someone to mind you?
Whatever is it is it's not resulting in the happy permanent relationship you crave. Because part of you doesn't want to commit to the permanence of something. Because the other side of Having something is Losing something.

The married man isn't on here asking for support the other woman is, so I feel I am right to ask does she imagine the pain and hurt she is causing...I can't support someone who has had 3 affairs

"This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over"

I haven't bothered to RTFT but it's quite easy surely. Simply refuse to have sex with them till they have obtained, and you have sighted, a decree absolute. The ungenuine ones will soon fuck off. If he hasn't got one because reasons, too bad, no shaggee till he gets it. If he won't ever get one because his mother in law's hamster's wealth management consultant will be upset, then throw him back. Some of these will be genuine, most not, so just save yourself the hassle of trying to work out which and use the decree absolute as filter paper.

Stop playing the victim. Plenty of people have low self esteem and don’t have affairs.
You are selfish and have no regard for the lives you are helping to destroy.

No sympathy whatsoever from me, you're choosing to be the 'OW' by having affairs with married men. That makes you despicable in my eyes, of course they'll promise the world and let you down, that's what they do. Have some self respect and choose an available man!

You havn't got low self esteem, rather an over inflated opinion of yourself.

Clearly confident enough to engage in relationships with numerous men, regardless of whether they already have partners.

What are you on now No 3, I think it's time to re evaluate how special you are, not that 'spech' by the look of it.

Try not to hurt others would be my advice and stop thinking about yourself.

I agree. The only person who can end this cycle is you.

When you meet a man who is married and living with his wife, but claims his marriage is over, most women would either turn them down or say, "Ok, contact me again when you're separated/divorced and maybe we can date." That takes self esteem, and knowing your own worth.

Blaming your abhorrent behaviour on ADHD is disingenuous to say the least.

If these men of yours are in your social circle, then presumably you are friendly with their wives too? How deceitful you are.

Stop with the woe is me and take ownership of what you are doing, You ask for kindness and respect, show that to your boyfriend's wife.

Yes, he's feeding you a line. Walk away now.

And if he does ever split up with his wife, don't be tempted to go back to him. Remember that he happily cheated on her, so he's likely to do the same to you. What's that old saying? When a man leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

I think it’s a self esteem issue as you have identified but it’s also likely to be an issue with commitment. It’s all tied in with feeling not good enough, fear of being let down etc.

I had a fear of commitment for years. I tried all sorts of counselling etc but what really worked was CBT. I also started internet dating whilst still undergoing CBT and tried to test it as experience in dating rather than “looking” for someone. I met someone and we are married now with children - I had been single for 15 years when we met. I had given up hope of having a functional relationship etc

It is easy for people to criticise and demonise you but not everyone has had the experience of a bad childhood or a poor relationship with a parent which can really impact the way you form relationships. Good luck and try and get some help to feel better and value yourself more.

This post has a point, to be honest.

OP has proclaimed herself as a lowly little victim, with no self esteem and isn’t worthy of available men. She describes herself so passively as if she isn’t even making these decisions and life choices; they’re being made for her and she’s forced to go along with it.

But OP has just clarified that she didn’t just “drop her knickers” to these men, and instead spent a lot of time building relationships with all three of them before it got to the point of an affair.

So I’m a little confused- if you’re that withdrawn then surely you wouldn’t even get to a texting stage with any of these men? You wouldn’t have the confidence to flirt with them because they have wives so why would they ever be interested in little old you?

Also, if all these men are in your social circles and you met them at work, is this the same place of employment for all three men? You do realise that men talk shit and that everyone is probably aware of your behaviour by now, anyway? There will be some level of “bro loyalty” in where the wives might not find out yet, but at least two of them have probably discussed you at some point.

Workplace relationships are often a bad idea, but three separate liaisons with married men you work with? Really? There’s a phrase for it. “Don’t shit where you eat”. Honestly, you’d be better off finding a new job and starting afresh somewhere else where no one knows your past history.

News travels fast in workplaces. People know more than you think.

If his marriage was 'over', they wouldn't be going to social events or holidays together. You're being played because you're being stupid. You're the one allowing it and accepting it. Stop doing that and only be with a guy who is actually single. It's not difficult.

Glad to be of service 😜

I have had experience of this type and am fully aware of the devastation. I didn’t blame her.

Definitely binge watch crappy childhood fairy. Lots of wisdom there.

Why are you choosing to get involved with married men? What masochistic part of the brain is telling you to do something so detrimental to your mental health? Not only one but two and three times? Why don't you (hold on to your chair now)... stop getting involved with married men? There's plenty of single men out there. I've seen them.

I've been in the same position op and in my case it was a lack of self esteem. I eventually had to go no contact with the person I was with because I knew he would keep strining me along indefinitely and that I deserved better. You also deserve so much better than the crumbs you are getting from these relationships

You love yourself more then you love him. You have more value than he will ever give you. You deserve a full blown real life experience of love romance and commitment. You are worth it. By keeping this sorry example of a man in your life you are stepping away from what you really want and you really need. Be strong you can do this.
Three different men, you are the common denominator. You have to brake away from this for your own sanity and before the scaring goes deeper. Before a family is destroyed. He can do his own dirty deeds, just not with you.
All the best OP. Therapy will be a key to unlock this situation and set you free. Readying you for the real man of your life. All the best OP.

From the pop psychology I read while actively dating - people who continuely choose already partnered up people have an avoidant personality to some degree. In the same way that people who consistently choose partners who live far away/are a religion that they would never marry/have other qualities that would mean it wouldn't last etc. E.g. subconscioisly always choosing people they know they can never really 'be with'. Imagine he turned round tomorrow, left his wife and suddenly wanted to move in together...I wonder if deep down thats really what you want or whether it would suddenly mean you wanted to make a run for it

Married Men are the worst.

I would end it if I was you. You deserve better than being someone bit on the side

He will say their marriage over but everything could be great. These MM go through rough patches with their wives. These men are broken from something and then use you. Then once everything goes good with the wife they forget about you.

Whatever the situation don't be his go to person when she stressing him out. Your not his healer.

I have been there and it's horrible knowing the man going home to his family. Seeing the man holding his wife hand.
Your just be tormenting yourself.

Please just think about what would happen if his wife was to find out.
Jump the ship before it sinks.

I feel sorry for you. Don't be afraid of being alone - it can be such a liberating experience. You say you have friends whom you've pushed away at times - get in touch with them and build yourself a nice life with a mixture of friendships and plenty of time for yourself. And do as every other PP on this thread has advised - stay away from married men, even it means staying away from men altogether for a long time, until you have yourself sorted out. Counselling is a really good idea. Good luck!