STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

And I agree with poster above who said that you aren’t doing it for you, you are doing it for your children.

My DC are struggling with sharing small bedrooms at present, because that is all I could afford to buy once prices increased. Their dad though, is sitting in a 5 bedroom house, with a huge amount of equity, even though he is an EOW dad.

I didn’t have any fight left in me but I advise you to dig deep and find some, in order to secure your childrens future 💐

I would move their schools so that he can't hold this over you. If you back down this time, it won't just be this time, it will be every single time he wants something.

They are a good age to move schools now, mot in any major years, so find a school that is convenient for you and good for them, and move them.

Then get a SHL and make sure that you get whatever you are entitled to. Go the CMO and start the ball rolling there to get your fair share from the house and pensions, savings etc.

You could get it put in a financial agreement/consent order whatever they are called that he has to pay the school fees, but if he doesn't then you have to go back to court and its just better to just walk away from it all.

Your DC will one day see him for the prick that he is, it just takes a few years
until they are old enough to realise what happened.

He knows your weak points and exactly where to hit you hardest. Tell your solicitor you want ALL you are entitled to NOT 10% the Ex is offering. Then pay the fees yourself.
Remember you are not doing this out of kindness....you are fighting for your childrens sake.

And he's a smelly bum bum poohead. His mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.

There we go, evening that incredibly intelligent score he set for you there.

Let the stupid fucker call you what he likes. I agree with everyone who says you may as well go for everything because he's going to be an abusive, brainless prick whatever you do. So at least get paid fairly for it.

@Lookslikesrain
I assume you are keeping the house?...If it's owned, rather than rented?

Surely you will keep 50% of the equity in the house?

You do need proper legal advice.
Yes, it's expensive, but worth it if it gets you a better deal

Re having to go to State school...If there are ''Outstanding'' schools in your area, it won't be such a jolt for your DC.

You also would have the whole of Mumsnet behind you, don't let him walk all over you, go after what your children are entitled to.

I would hazard a guess that he is reacting explosively at 20% because he KNOWS that if you really tried to take him to the cleaners, you would succeed, easily.

You've tried to be nice - that didn't work. Go for it, get every fucking penny you can, whether you believe you deserve it or not - do it for your kids if you can't do it for yourself.

At the age they are now, being pulled out of school for a bit is NOT the worst thing that can happen, particularly if you can secure the funds to put them back where they need to be permanently later on.

If this is the only thing he controls... take that control away from him, THEN clean the nasty fucker out :D

Sounds like he's got a lot more money whether that savings or pension that he doesn't want you to know about and get hold of!

Get the absolute best solicitor you can and take this scum bag for every single penny for you and your kids.

He sounds like an absolutely awful father.

You’ve tried being nice.

Now get angry and get what you deserve from him which is far more than he’s offering. Fuck him.

He’s shown himself in his true colours hasn’t he. Really covered himself in glory dragging his 9 and 5 year old children into his little war hasn’t he. What an absolute toad

Keep your mouth shut and your wider dry but alongside this engage a Solicitor who will get you everything you are entitled to.

be the tiger he mistakenly pulled by the tail.

Your powder dry

The thing is, he's probably tried to pull the children out of school and attack you with verbal abuse because he doesn't expect you to retaliate in anger, but instead submit to his demands. What the dumb fuck hasn't realised is that, unlike him, you have your children's best interests at heart. I've found that people will tolerate barrages of abuse like water of a duck's back, but as soon as someone strikes at their children, all hell breaks loose.
What you're doing now, by instructing a Solicitor and taking back control, is blowing his shitty little manipulative plan out of the water. He won't expect you to fight back, it will come as a shock. Grey rocking might wind him up, but so what? You're divorcing him due to his unfaithful actions, you don't owe him a conversation anymore. These are the consequences of his actions. He won't see that, of course, but nothing you are doing is wrong, you sound like a fantastic parent that just wants what is best for her babies.

Well it seems like the gloves are off as far as he’s concerned so you need to take the same view. If you haven’t already, get yourself a good solicitor and go for everything you’re legally entitled to - and if he’s pulling the kids out of private school, there’s no reason for you not to go for maintenance is there ? Go to the CMS for child support and keep absolutely everything you get from him by way of communication. Don’t respond to goading and make it clear the only way you will communicate with him is via solicitor or third party.

Because he has now decided to pull out the kids from the Pvt school, go for the full amount that you're legally allowed. This is your right, you're not being extra. Money is what hurts men the most, think of all the hurt he's given you and children. Please stand up for yourself, otherwise you'll regret it years later. Just go for it. It will be ugly but once it's achieved and done you'll be relieved and that'll knock some sense into him calling you all those names. If he can't respect you and be civil, then he deserves it. Don't feel threatened or scared, he can't do anything once you've got your lawyers sorted. Best of luck

"I caught him on dating websites and taking people out for meals and when I kicked him out I had three weeks of pure hell."

I've not read the whole thread but I have read the OP and a few early posts. Having been through something similar, my guess is one reason he is being so incredibly agressive is that he wants (totally unsurprisingly) to be able further down the line to court the idea of getting together with another woman and having more children (if she is not already in the wings which it would not surprise me if she is). So do as previous posters have said and get a solicitor and stop communicating with him directly.

Imagine if you agree the kids can come out of their fee paying school, you accept less than you could get if you had gone via a solicitor, and in 5 - 10 years time you find out that your two children now have a half sibling who is, you guessed it, being educated at a fee paying school paid for by your ex husband. It happens. Use a solicitor and do not contact him directly again.

Anyone who can use his own children like that doesn't deserve anything other than a taste of his own medicine.

Keep every abusive message from him and do not respond.
Go for as much as you can, including maintenance.

He will soon see that your offer of taking 20% and him paying the fees would've been a much better option. He's just a greedy selfish excuse for a man, and he can explain to his children why he refused to pay to continue their education at their current school and why he refused to pay maintenance for their upbringing and why he refused to give their mum a decent share in the divorce.
He sounds like the kind of "father" who requests 50/50 access purely so he doesn't need to pay maintenance

May I suggest that you call school and go in and see the head. see whether there's a pastoral deputy head and ask to see them at the same time. explain the divorce and the effect of that on the children. explain the agreement you came to. explain the fact that he doesn't have financial difficulties he just doesn't want to pay to get at you and doesn't appear to care about the effect of this on his children.

if you explain all of that they might want to suggest a compromise - perhaps reduce fees for a term or asking him to go in and subtly suggest that he puts his kids first.

the school could well help and won't want to lose you if that means helping out for a term whilst you see whether you can afford to stay or to go with less panic and disruption for the kids at this late stage in the school year.

btw i say all of this with no experience of fee paying schools with long waiting lists. if yours has, it may not be as amenable.

I have read all your replies OP not everyone elses.

Couple of thigns..He can't just message you with abuse.. that is harrasment and is a police matter.

You will regret not fighting in a few years.. I am glad you found your anger.. it is needed.. As self employed definitely get a solicitor...

Your children are young enough to adapt really well to a new school.. He will threaten pulling the kids at every oportunity otherwise.

Keep evidence of everything....

He manipulates you with tantrums that he switches on and off. Its very hard for someone who does not do this to realise when others do it.
Fraudsters do it because it works, screaming and crying and throwing threats around. He is not a normal person so all the tantrums dont mean what they would if you were dealing with a normal person.
Please realise this and you will not get emotionally drawn in by them.

Go for every penny you’re entitled to. He’s obviously going to be a dick unless he gets away with 10% which is out of the question.

I agree- get a lawyer and every Penny you are entitled to. Your ex isn’t very clever - he will have to most likely pay next terms fees anyway now due to the required notice periods.
The fact that he emails the school like this is very poor manners and airing his issues in public in an undignified manner.

I agree with all the others. Get a solicitor, all communication regarding the divorce is to go through them. If you want to, ask a family member if they will be the contact for him for anything regarding seeing the children. Other than that, he is not to try to contact you.

Take it to court with a 50-50 starting point. You never know, you may get more than 50%.

Back up all messages you have from him. Make notes of any telephone calls, such as the one yesterday - time and date, what was said etc.

Do not settle for the bare minimum just to keep him nice.

I'm glad you are getting angry. What kind of piece of crap punishes their children because of another adults choices.

Re new school your children will settle. Yes they will be upset but it really is for the best to remove any leverage he has.

Hopefully you will hire an absolute Pitbull of a solicitor and get every penny you are entitled to. Screw 20%, go after his business, pension, house, shirt off his back ... He's not going to play fair so why the hell should you.

I’d take the nasty prat to the cleaners. Get a lawyer asap and go for 70/30.

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

Last time it was - he was going to drive his car in to a wall.

Honestly if you knew him and was reading these messages you wouldn't be able to believe it as he is usually really mild mannered and every one thinks he is a nice bloke. He was never like this when we were with each other. I should never had spoken to him again after the first time, now obviously he thinks he can talk to me like that and thats one of the reasons I never allowed myself to consider getting back with him because I knew he had seriously crossed the line as he did bully me.

There is so much useful info on this thread thanks so much x