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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

423 replies

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:15

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/06/2022 15:20

OK, so this is where you send him one last message telling him that all future communication will be via your solicitor and his. Then block him and go for the kill.

aboutbloodytime123 · 21/06/2022 15:22

In the short term, I thought you had to give one term's notice for fee paying schools - worth checking! In the long term - definitely get a lawyer

Daftapath · 21/06/2022 15:22

That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing! Wink

To be honest, during my divorce, I did more than once wish my XH would drop dead before the details were finalised! It certainly would have made life easier, save me 500k, all the abuse I received and all the tactics he still uses to try to control me and dd (funnily enough not ds though).

It's all part of his manipulation. They escalate as each previous step doesn't work. I'm sure he has been similar throughout your marriage, even if you haven't recognised it

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:23

Get off mumsnet now !!

get yourself a flan good solicitor. Ask local friends for recommendations. Mine was amazing.

did you tell him out of the blue or did you do any planning whatsoever beforehand?

OopsAnotherOne · 21/06/2022 15:24

Abusive men will threaten suicide - as your ex has done in this case. It's a very clear manipulation technique. He is threatening to kill himself so you respond by going "oh gosh, oh dear, nevermind then, I'll accept whatever breadcrumb offer you throw my way".

Of course, he isn't actually planning on hanging himself. And even if he did, it would have absolutely nothing to do with you. He was the one who wanted to have an affair, he was the one that broke up the marriage, he was the one who was (and still is) abusive, he is the one disrupting the children's education, he is the one only offering you a pittance as a settlement. And this latest manipulation? Another way for him to try and grind you down. It's so pathetic

It goes without saying (and is easier said than done) IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE him, none of what he is saying about you is true. He is only saying it to get a reaction out of you because he is majorly pissed off that you're standing up for yourself and your children rather than just submitting to his demands.

WibblyWobblyJane · 21/06/2022 15:25

If someone threatens to harm themselves you should involve the police.
I am sure it's just manipulation on his part, but it's not for you to decide.
I had to do this once with a friend - they never used that tactic again.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:25

I am a little confused

thought you said it was agreed that no maintenance but he pay fees

but later on you say that you haven’t accepted his offer of 10% maintenance plus fees, as you think 20% more reasonable.

Sorry unclear!

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:26

WibblyWobblyJane · 21/06/2022 15:25

If someone threatens to harm themselves you should involve the police.
I am sure it's just manipulation on his part, but it's not for you to decide.
I had to do this once with a friend - they never used that tactic again.

Also may go in your favour if later down the line he suddenly decides to go for full residency

Lockheart · 21/06/2022 15:27

If he threatens to harm himself then you should alert the police.

Keep copies of all messages he sends to you.

MotherofTerriers · 21/06/2022 15:29

Keep any abusive/threatening messages he sends. Even him messaging to threaten taking the children from their school to get you to back down could be used to demonstrate he does not have their best interests at heart . Ask around for lawyer recommendations and get the best one you can. Getting every penny you are entitled to could make a huge difference to your kids standard of living.

Getting a good lawyer fighting for you will help massively

Rtmhwales · 21/06/2022 15:29

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 15:15

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

Last time it was - he was going to drive his car in to a wall.

Honestly if you knew him and was reading these messages you wouldn't be able to believe it as he is usually really mild mannered and every one thinks he is a nice bloke. He was never like this when we were with each other. I should never had spoken to him again after the first time, now obviously he thinks he can talk to me like that and thats one of the reasons I never allowed myself to consider getting back with him because I knew he had seriously crossed the line as he did bully me.

There is so much useful info on this thread thanks so much x

I'd be hard pressed not to respond "Suit yourself, then I'll end up with 100%".

But I suppose at least one of you needs to be mature and it's not going to be him.

OopsAnotherOne · 21/06/2022 15:32

I know I've already replied to your most recent message OP but I just wanted to echo what other posters are saying. Any more suicide threats from him, then phone the police and say "my ex husband has just messaged me insinuating that he is going to commit suicide, this is his current address, could I please have a welfare check?". Rinse and repeat for all threats of this nature. He will soon realise the threats won't be having the intended impact on you

skyeisthelimit · 21/06/2022 15:33

They often threaten suicide when they don't get their own way, but they never do it. It is just a threat to bring you into line.

Just don't engage on any level. Keep a record of everything and if he keeps threatening, then phone 101 and get it logged with the police saying that you are concerned for his mental health. They will be used to dealing with situations like it

Rosscameasdoody · 21/06/2022 15:33

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 15:15

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

Last time it was - he was going to drive his car in to a wall.

Honestly if you knew him and was reading these messages you wouldn't be able to believe it as he is usually really mild mannered and every one thinks he is a nice bloke. He was never like this when we were with each other. I should never had spoken to him again after the first time, now obviously he thinks he can talk to me like that and thats one of the reasons I never allowed myself to consider getting back with him because I knew he had seriously crossed the line as he did bully me.

There is so much useful info on this thread thanks so much x

OP, it sounds as though he has mental health issues. Do you think there could be something like Bipolar Disorder at play here ? If so, maybe get a restraining order and definitely block him so he can’t have any direct contact.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:38

WibblyWobblyJane · 21/06/2022 15:25

If someone threatens to harm themselves you should involve the police.
I am sure it's just manipulation on his part, but it's not for you to decide.
I had to do this once with a friend - they never used that tactic again.

I wouldn’t in this case

the op would be sitting pretty. No shitty ex drama and the children inherit everything.

so very financially secure for life.

so I’d be leaving it. In fact I’d be offering to buy him some extra pills

Tryhard40 · 21/06/2022 15:38

Wow, he's a cheeky misogynistic fucker isn't he?

Honestly OP, in the nicest possible way I could shake you - you are going about this all wrong. Do not "play nice", play hardball. Being nice will get you nowhere - you need to find your anger.

Please listen to all the women's stories on here - get yourself an SHL asap and get all you can off this nasty piece of shit. If not for yourself, for your children.

amusedbush · 21/06/2022 15:40

I agree with PPs that you should tell the police he's threatening suicide and let them deal with it. It's a very common manipulation tactic - he's not going to do it. And even if, god forbid, he did do it, that wouldn't be your fault. It would be his decision.

Don't let him twist this in his favour - his own selfish actions led to divorce.

OopsAnotherOne · 21/06/2022 15:41

You know what you need to do now OP. You have all of us here for support - come back as much as you need as we can support you all the way through this divorce if needs be, I've seen it done on this site time and time again! 🙂

WibblyWobblyJane · 21/06/2022 15:42

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:38

I wouldn’t in this case

the op would be sitting pretty. No shitty ex drama and the children inherit everything.

so very financially secure for life.

so I’d be leaving it. In fact I’d be offering to buy him some extra pills

Show quote history

His intent is to manipulate her, not to harm himself. He will stop attempting to manipulate in this specific way if he sees it does not get the result he likes.

She also has to be able to live with herself.

phoneybaloney · 21/06/2022 15:44

Does he honestly think you give a shit about his suicide threats after he went for your kids educational stability as a bullying tactic?! What a prick!

Also, guys like this never go through with suicide threats. They think too much of themselves. 🙄

I agree with everyone else. Block him. Gather as much financial evidence as you can. Leave it with a solicitor. Go for as much as you can in the divorce because you can bet he will wiggle out of maintenance down the line.

In terms of the school thing. Kids are remarkably adaptable. I've had to change stuff in the past for my DS and been so so worried. But with my support he's been fine! They will adapt and be okay. And I agree if you stay in a fee paying school he will always have the fees held over you.

Is he having contact with the kids?? If so make it set days and times so that again, there's no need for direct communication other than in an emergency.

Any bloke who tried to use my kids as pawns would regret it. Any time you feel yourself waiver - think of them.

Anoooshka · 21/06/2022 15:47

A great solicitor/lawyer is essential. Don't go for the cheapest. A relative of mine got to keep her house and her pension thanks to her SHL. She didn't even have any kids. She said it was worth every penny.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:47

WibblyWobblyJane · 21/06/2022 15:42

His intent is to manipulate her, not to harm himself. He will stop attempting to manipulate in this specific way if he sees it does not get the result he likes.

She also has to be able to live with herself.

Show quote history

He will realise he most definitely isn’t manipulating her if she responds

”would you like me to pick up some extra pills from sainsburys for her? “

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:48

And as for the “live with herself”?

i would cope!

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:50

I remain baffled by the detail though

it was agreed no maintenance but fees paid

now he is pissed that the op hasn’t accepted 10% and the fees

but I thought the op was happy with 0 maintenance?

Shitscared123 · 21/06/2022 15:55

OP as shit as this is, you have the protection of legal rights by virtue of being married. I had an Islamic marriage and didn’t register it. I am going through the exact same shit - ex has withdrawn school fees, pays 17 quid a week CMS despite being £££££, has withdrawn all support from his child to get at me. I have no rights, yet have a lawyer to get what my son is entitled to from his religious cunt of a father - may he die and rot in hell. Please use your rights to your advantage. You’ll get there, and you are in a much better position than I am. You’ll get what you and your kids are entitled to - fight.

I agree - scan every single financial document (although I have been told by my lawyer I can’t access info re his personal bank statements). Statements made for interesting reading…

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