STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

Agree much better he’s shown his colours now then when dc 15 mid gcse course and you’d have been between a rock and a hard place. I’d be very wary of him agreeing to pay fees in future eg for secondary as he has shown his total disregard for the children’s feelings.

What a bastard. Still, no incentive now to go
for anything less than you are fully entitled to. If he kicks off so be it, go entirely through lawyers and if you’re scared of him seek police advice. Good luck.

Been there, OP. Kids were taken out of private school because he didn't pay the fees and I couldn't. I had to fight for every penny but there is a tipping point with fighting - don't do it at any cost, only do it if you stand to gain substantially more than it will cost you to fight.

You mention self employment. Assuming he earns well and you can prove that, you might want to ask your solicitor about a global order - this is spousal maintenance and child maintenance wrapped up into one. With a normal order for child maintenance in court, it can be over-ridden by the CMS after 12 months. If he goes to the CMS with a global order, all that will happen is that the spousal maintenance will be increased to meet the gap he causes by going to the CMS. I note, however, that you feel confident you can support the children yourself so spousal maintenance may not be relevant.

Just to say, go for every penny you can whilst being sensible about it - with the self employment, you won't get a penny in maintenance without the global order. I am 13 years and still waiting...!

Absolutely agree with everyone above saying you need a good solicitor to handle this. It will be expensive but money well spent in the long run.

Do you have a good idea of all his assets as a ball park - including his savings, pension, value of his business? Make sure you go through his bank/company accounts with a fine tooth comb initially to see if any money has been sent elsewhere and is unaccounted for. Has he completed his Form E yet? You may be able to negotiate by asking for 50% of his company, as well as the property and pension. Thy would shut him up!

Your posts are bringing back the rage I felt at my XH when divorcing. He was similarly abusive and threatened cancelling school places as well as wanting half the children's savings.

No matter how much you try to be accommodating to keep him happy, he won't be. Now is the time to fight back and get what is fair for the children. Myself and the kids would have been homeless if I hadn't fought back.

You need a lump sum and clean break so he has no way to control/manipulate you in the future. If he is SE, he will definitely mess you around with maintenance.

Screenshot everything and keep a diary. Everything by text or email now. No verbal conversation.

If your DD is already anxious having this hangover her is not going to be helpful

You need to take this as done now - and sort it out. Ring who you need and get her a state school place - which is fine. You arent going to get in trouble

'20% or the kids staying in school - you choose'

Save that text message in case you ever need evidence in court of his character / financial abuse / suitability as a parent.

I agree with the others - my reaction to your OP was that, if you're going to get all this hate and anger regardless, you might as well be going for a fair divorce split at 50% (or higher, given that you'll presumably be primary carer?).

Ask the school if they have any 100% or near bursaries for fees in exceptional circumstances to see you through until the settlement is sorted and then you could agree to a partial bursary. Bursaries are means tested so no pressure on the children. Many schools do these days. Ideally, you don't want to disrupt the children any more than necessary during an extremely brutal divorce.

You then have breathing space to find either a state school or an independent that also has 100% bursaries.

Then go for every penny you are rightfully owed, with the most powerful lawyer you can find and ensure the settlement is honoured.

If you cannot trust him to prioritise and financially support his children even before divorce, you owe it to your children to ensure you CAN financially support them going forwards by requesting exactly what you are entitled to in this divorce. Do not let your kids down in this. Stand your ground.

And don’t be goaded into replying. It’s really hard to sit on your hands and stop yourself replying. But don’t. He wants a reaction. Just do it through the lawyers.

HE SAID WHAT? 🤬

He has just weaponised your children and put it in writing. What a massive cunt. Stop responding to him and grey rock him entirely if you have to have any communication because of the children.

Find your fire OP, you're going to need it

If he's going to be a threatening, manipulative, spiteful dick head over 20% of what you are entitled to then I say go for everything and pay the fees yourself.

What a raging pillock he is.

I take it he's used to running over you and you backing down for an easy life, generally? It sounds like he's banking on you panicking and backing down.

Up your demands and watch him crumble, OP!

Please see a solicitor!!!!

Op get a forensic accountant straight away to get proof of his assets and business income.
That is what you will need to stop him hiding assets.
Good Luck he is a complete bastard...time to get tough

OP -time to put your big girl pants on.
20% is eff all
He has done his bit to the DCs
His name calling is childish - ignore

Time for blood - get a good lawyer and take what is rightfully your kids.

I didn't matter what you asked, he is treating your kids this way just to make you unhappy. You're in a fight with him regardless of what you do. Get a lawyer, go for the maximum. Any contact about kids has to go through email from now on (paper trail, also screenshot his text messages). Any contact about the divorce he needs to contact your lawyer.

He hates you anyway, he’s not being amicable, and he’s treating his own children like shit through sheer bloody malice. There’s absolutely no reason for you to play nice any more. Minimise contact and get a SHL - a really SHL. Don’t tell him until he needs to know, and don’t tell him about the forensic accountant. Don’t give him a chance to hide anything. Unless he’s an extremely stupid man he may realise he’s pushed you too far, particularly if your behaviour changes. Go for a clean break and CMS. You’re not doing this for yourself. You’re doing it for your children.

I'm glad to see that your eyes have been opened.

Don't reply to his messages- definitely don't warn him that you'll be going for more than 20%.

Call the CMS and start a claim too.

He won’t be reasonable no matter what you do.

I went for 50% with my ex, despite having been a stay at home mum and being told to go for 70% by a solicitor. I think I thought that would make him stop hating me. It didn’t. I also wanted to prove I was “fair” I think, as he accused me of being all sorts.

The value of the marital sum shot up after I’d agreed a lump sum (for him to buy me out). I didn’t go after any of that as I just wanted out. He is still convinced I have stitched him up financially - and would have the same attitude if I’d gone for 5% I think! It made no difference that I lowered the amount.

In the end, the best thing I ever did was go to child maintenance (we hadn’t even agreed that in divorce, I was pressured so much by him to be “amicable” and make a private agreement… I would advise against this) because it took the power away from him, of me having to ask every month, of him withholding it when he felt like it (all enough power and control).

I did have to go for a variation of income assessment as he lied massively about his earnings, as a company director (it didn’t see to occur to him that I could go to companies house online to find out assets in business!) and the amount was increased. Yes, he was furious. But he will be furious with me no matter what I do, I finally realised that.

You don’t sound like you are dealing with a man who cares about negotiation or being fair. Take his power away, and get a strong solicitor. I know it’s scary. But when you look back and you are free of his control, you will realise you didn’t need to try and appease him so much, there is no point.

You need to go for 50% or more. The children can go to a state school for their early years at least.

Get yourself and your DC as far removed from him as possible.

Honestly OP, I get being tired but why are you accepting 20% of what your entitled to? That's not fair and your not fighting for you and your children's future.

I get this. At the beginning you're basically both worn down and shellshocked, and you think that he loves and values the kids as much as you do and he'll be a reasonable person and father.

Then they behave like total dicks and you have to hastily re-evaluate your responses.

Grey rock and go for everything you can whilst maintaining your sense of worth (so I'm going hard for the kids share, but my moral compromise is that I'll look after myself past half of what was accumulated together - which I can, due to a ridiculous amount of work from me during and since the relationship)

On finding places in a state school, it may be worth getting them enrolled as an in-year admission before the end of term (remember state schools usually finish after the independents) if you find suitable places. If you only succeed in getting one in, check the admissions policy as you may then get sibling priority for the second and can go on a waiting list. There then may be some movement over the summer holidays, with people moving in and out of the local area, which could help or hinder you if you leave it until September.

What a fucking asshole

OP do get the transfer paperwork into your council as soon as you can, before school holidays start. At least where I am, no applications are considered during the summer break.

And just to reassure you, my sensitive DC started a new school at that age and it really was fine. They will be ok.

Not quite same situation as my DCs weren’t at private schools but my ExDH tried everything to continue to control me after our split. My DF gave best advice - which was get a SHL and go for his pension. My ExDH died 3 years after retired and left nothing to his DCs. Having got half of his pension I’ve been able to help my DCs with house deposits and have a decent income in retirement so my DCs don’t have to worry about me.

Do this for your DCs if not for you. Show them that they have a strong mother in their corner who won’t be cowed by bullies.

Making yourself poorer by going for less than you are due will only give you less power to help your kids as they get older. You're making the mistake of thinking that if you're kind then he'll be kinder and that will make things better in the long run. This might have worked with a different man but sadly he's shown his true colours. You need to reframe this in your mind as a power struggle whereby if you show weakness he will exploit that to take more for himself. You will ultimately lose out if you play the game your way, and be in a weakened position to support your children as a result.

You should go for what you're entitled to. He is, so why wouldn't you? Now it's school fees but what if in the future you want to pay for private medical care or whatever and you can't because you've essentially gifted most of your joint wealth to your crappy ex?