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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

423 replies

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:15

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

OP posts:
MigsandTiggs · 21/06/2022 16:01

FYI, a close family member is going through a divorce right now and has agreed that their soon to be ex will get 75% of marital assets as they don't want any acrimony. The person handling the case has sent it back for reassessment as they believe it is unfair split of assets. No dc and both parties have good jobs.
Forget 20% and get everything you are entitled to, because you could be unable to work in the future, for whatever reason, at a time when your dc are still dependants.

Naunet · 21/06/2022 16:02

What a vile man, does he not realise his kids will know about this one day?

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

god I’d be tempted to reply ‘you’ll hang yourself because you’re being expected to provide for your own children? Ridiculous’ but far better to ignore and only communicate with him through a solicitor.

Find your fight, go for every single penny you can, because this prick will tantrum either way.

PeekAtYou · 21/06/2022 16:03

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 15:50

I remain baffled by the detail though

it was agreed no maintenance but fees paid

now he is pissed that the op hasn’t accepted 10% and the fees

but I thought the op was happy with 0 maintenance?

10% is presumably savings/house equity etc

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 21/06/2022 16:03

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 15:15

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

Last time it was - he was going to drive his car in to a wall.

Honestly if you knew him and was reading these messages you wouldn't be able to believe it as he is usually really mild mannered and every one thinks he is a nice bloke. He was never like this when we were with each other. I should never had spoken to him again after the first time, now obviously he thinks he can talk to me like that and thats one of the reasons I never allowed myself to consider getting back with him because I knew he had seriously crossed the line as he did bully me.

There is so much useful info on this thread thanks so much x

My friends ex sent her a similar message once. She called the police, explained they had just split up and he had sent her this message. He never sent her a message like this again.

galvanizethis · 21/06/2022 16:04

SpacePotato · 21/06/2022 10:24

This.

Fuck him using the children to blackmail you into submission.

Show quote history

Totally agree. You've tried to play fairly and he's not willing to. You might be able to get something resolved by September and definitely speak to the school.

Eightiesfan · 21/06/2022 16:04

IncompleteSenten · 21/06/2022 10:21

I'd go for everything I was legally entitled to.

This, he clearly cannot even be trusted to be a decent human being and pay his children’s school fees. You need to get a good solicitor and let them deal with it.

crazeelala2u · 21/06/2022 16:05

Screen shot everything and just smile and wave. You stay calm, he looks like a douchebag and you get what you want. What an utter moron.

Tryhard40 · 21/06/2022 16:05

he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

Oh bless him! How....obvious. No originality at all.

PeekAtYou · 21/06/2022 16:05

OP feel free to post anytime. We are here for you and the kids.

Tell the police that he is threatening suicide. Do not reply to his manipulation- it's a common threat used to control.

Stay strong FlowersFlowers

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 16:06

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:56

Thanks for all the messages , ive read every one and really needed to hear this this morning.

Ive just contacted a school near me and I have an appointment with the head next week. DD9 is VERY sensitive and its her im worried about

I am too passive with him which is weird really as I am normally a 'take no shit person' but I just desperately needed balance after the fall out from the split.

I caught him on dating websites and taking people out for meals and when I kicked him out I had three weeks of pure hell. The he just stopped one day but I was just absolutely battered emotionally, like he had physically kicked the shit out of me.

He has his own business so im sure he will find a way of not paying what im owed.

Bloody hell I wouldn’t be moving my child so quickly! You have all the summer to get sorted

the key is to speak with current private school
Trust me - this will not be new to them!

you be paid up to end of term and then have 2.5 months for financial settlement.

yes get a state back up all sorted but no knee jerk actions when it comes to your children and their education!!!

Changechangychange · 21/06/2022 16:07

Rtmhwales · 21/06/2022 15:29

I'd be hard pressed not to respond "Suit yourself, then I'll end up with 100%".

But I suppose at least one of you needs to be mature and it's not going to be him.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t type that (because he’ll use it out of context), but I would definitely think it!

And he definitely won’t do it, OP, so don’t give that a second thought.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 16:07

PeekAtYou · 21/06/2022 16:03

10% is presumably savings/house equity etc

Show quote history

Well then the op is doing not only herself, but her children a GROSS disservice

19lottie82 · 21/06/2022 16:09

I remain baffled by the detail though

it was agreed no maintenance but fees
paid

now he is pissed that the op hasn’t
accepted 10% and the fees

but I thought the op was happy with 0
maintenance?

I understood the percentage as to be in regards to assets, not maintenance.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 16:09

Yes keep the comments re his suicide threat over the phone so no record that you haven’t exactly been…. Sensitive to his threat.

in message I would say that I was worried and will contact police. Then call him and say “go for it you fucker!!”

KettrickenSmiled · 21/06/2022 16:12

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:24

Possibly but he will fight me tooth and nail for that he exploded over me asking for 20% calling me -

cancer
fucking horrible woman
green eyed goblin
thick fuck
greedy bitch
Tiny brained

ect..ect..

Show quote history

Keep plodding forward OP - the insults of a man who you have no respect for mean nothing.

I have blocked him on watsap but the last message I got off him was basically '20% or the kids staying in school - you choose'

As he doesn't like your VERY over-generous (sorry OP, I would say defensively constructed out of fear of his response) offer, just message him back saying:
"OK dude, I'll take the 20% deal off the table.
However, as you are obviously prepared to punish your children in order to walk away with the lion's share of the marital assets, I can't see how settling for 10% will make you keep your word about their schooling.
I'm therefore reverting to my lawyer to ensure that I have the means to pay their school fees myself. You will hear from them shortly to settle my legal right to at least 50%."

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'
TW: 'gallows humour':
What a shame.
That you won't find him hanging, I mean.
You could walk away with 100% if he did.

I'm glad you are going for it OP.
How much confidence do you have in your lawyer?
Will you need to fund a forensic accountant, given that He has his own business so im sure he will find a way of not paying what im owed. ?

I caught him on dating websites and taking people out for meals and when I kicked him out I had three weeks of pure hell. The he just stopped one day but I was just absolutely battered emotionally, like he had physically kicked the shit out of me.
Flowers
He declared war on you when he sent that abusive text above, & when he punished you for 3 weeks for reacting normally to his cheating. Bring out your big guns (legal, financial) & let him have it.
His mindset seems to be that he thinks he's smarter than you. Let him keep thinking it.
One day at a time OP. Do NOT settle for less than you deserve. A man like this - you've 'earned' every penny. That money is for you & your children - the children who he will happily shortchange. Don't allow him to bully you out of it, or illegally squirrel it away. Pay for forensic expertise if you need to - it will be an investment that pays off.

Quitelikeit · 21/06/2022 16:13

I’d be tempted to send one more message.

pay the fees and 20% or court. Response required within 24 hours so I can instruct lawyers where necessary.

keep any financial info on him that you can incase needed to prove assets to the court. A man who does this to his children is truly not deserving of them. Sorry you are experiencing this.

ozoruk · 21/06/2022 16:15

Good luck OP i hope you get everything you are entitled too - men like this make me so angry.

Nobheadex · 21/06/2022 16:16

Nope don’t settle for 20% and fees. That’s shit shit shit advice.

instruct the lawyers and let them do their thing.

Branleuse · 21/06/2022 16:17

oh wow, he really is trying to wear you down isnt he. I guess now hes targetting the kids education as well as not caring if they have a secure roof over their heads, it makes it clearer that he doesnt play fair.
Hes going to be a dick whether you play nice or not, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by playing him at his own game.
Hes now threatening you with hurting himself?? He must be scared.

Ohthatsexciting · 21/06/2022 16:22

Quitelikeit · 21/06/2022 16:13

I’d be tempted to send one more message.

pay the fees and 20% or court. Response required within 24 hours so I can instruct lawyers where necessary.

keep any financial info on him that you can incase needed to prove assets to the court. A man who does this to his children is truly not deserving of them. Sorry you are experiencing this.

Ignore

she needs to instruct a lawyer… today . Whatever he responds with

i am guessing he is a high earning professional. Send something like that he will chuckle to himself

Spohn · 21/06/2022 16:24

Tell him to refer all threats to your solicitor.

turn your voicemail off
do not answer the phone to him unless you have a call recording device running.

you have no need to communicate with him at all apart from confirming child contact details.

Notsure94 · 21/06/2022 16:25

Another urging that you get a solicitor. It's so so easy to settle for far less than you are entitled to. If you're playing nice it's even worse.

I went from thinking I'd settle for a few hundred pounds for the kids to getting a four figure sum each month including a spousal element which people think isn't a thing unless you're loaded. Well I wasn't at the time, certainly more comfortable now. All because my solicitor knew what she was blooming talking about! Get advice now.

CombatBarbie · 21/06/2022 16:25

He's following a script.... He's a narcissist now he's the victim. Block his number in your actual contacts, any social media accounts, email. Make a new email address and tell him this if for child communications only and cc in your solicitor and his.

DarkDarkNight · 21/06/2022 16:26

My advice would be not to let him get away with 20% of what you’re entitled to. He is showing his true colours now, that he is willing to unsettle his children. He is liable not to stick to anything and try to get away with less so fight for your full entitlement.

greatblueheron · 21/06/2022 16:28

Record every single conversation you have with him. turn on a recorder before you pick up, if he comes to the door, etc. Record the vileness.

And go for every penny you're entitled to ... you have the DCs to think about since he's making it abou tyou and not them when he's the one who has behaved badly.