Awake and pondering the end of my long marriage

[dontknowhow2feela]

I'm awake again. Sleeping is not easy anyway but it's been worse since he told me it's over. We'd been together since the cusp of becoming adults. I care for him and know although we functioned well together it wasn't a full relationship of recent years. I was grateful when he stopped hugging me at night as it was just a distraction from whatever I was reading. My immediate response was relief when he told me. I know this is right but untangling our lives still hurts.

He is really trying to do this the 'right way' and end with me before he starts his new relationship but his new relationship has already started. He's been developing feelings for her over long Zoom chats through lockdown and met her a year ago for coffee without telling me. He tried to deny his feelings by talking about our future. Telling me he wanted to work on our relationship and reintroduce sex as we'd not been intimate for some years. I was initially excited when he said this. I'd always done the heavy lifting in the relationship but stopped 5 years ago or so when I said I'd match his input and if he wanted things to change he needed to step up. He did try a little of recent months and I felt awful that even though he was trying to instigate some intimacy I still wasn't really on board. I now know the reality is he didn't really want to work on it with me at all and it was a half hearted attempt. It makes sense I still wasn't getting any real connection from him as he was hugging his secret meeting and his burgeoning feelings to himself. His emotions were fully entangled with her.

He went on his 'first date' at the weekend and before he went I started divorce proceedings. He looked shellshocked. Apparently they discussed it afterwards and she was surprised it was so quick. Maybe she doesn't realise he has left me for her. Possibly they are both in a shared fantasy that the ending of this relationship has nothing to do with them being together. From my perspective when your DH tells you he is obsessed with a woman who has made major life decisions as a result of the strength of her feelings for him, it feels a bit late for HRT and relationship counselling! I care for him but I don't care enough about our relationship right now to fight for it.

I'm concerned for our young adult kids, one isn't taking it too well which is a real worry. but I grieve and mourn and am excited and relieved in equal measure. I know I will be ok and I know our relationship will be better as a result of this, whether we are apart for the rest of our lives or if our shared history and companionship brings us together at some unnamed point in the future...but right now it's hard and I wish I could get some sleep!

thank you peaceful.

Freeme This thread gave me someone to dump everything when it was really raw. I still don't know what I'll want beyond the next week or two but I'm not trying to second guess it TBH.

I know I don't want him as a partner right now which is a good thing as he doesn't want me as one either 😁

I know the people in our lives who have kept good relationships after divorce seem much more at peace than those who haven't.

I know working with him at the moment feels much more beneficial than working against him.

I know I wish him no ill will.

I know he is finally aware of how we need to work together regarding our vulnerable DC (and following a professional assessment, DC is now aware just how vulnerable they are too). Although I am terrified so is ex, I'm not alone with it any more.

I've met some amazing women over the last few weeks and have grabbed every bit of insight and inspiration they and the posters on this thread have had to offer.

My friends have rallied round and been amazing. I'm delighted to have more space for them in my life.

I am conversing with someone who has helped me remember what it feels like to be a sexual being again and enjoying discovering the woman I am now.

Beyond this, it's one day at a time but I no longer need to be 'dontknowhowtofeela' and that enough for now...

Good Luck - i wish you all the best. Like you say one day at a time - please remember to prioritise you ! (Appreciate your worries with DC - this just makes you a good mum) i hope you find what you need x

Ex moved out yesterday and I just had the best sleep I've had in a very long time

Wonderful.

Nothing quite like a good nights sleep to help you face the world.

I’m glad, OP. Best wishes to you.

That's good news. A lovely new life starting now.

So blummin happy for you don't know how to feel!
Hope you are well on the way to acceptance and managing your split , the kids will follow your lead x onwards and upwards xxx

OP you sound so insightful about your situation. It's very sad being at the end of a long relationship when you have children but you seem to be reflecting calmly on it. I'm so sorry to read about the impact on your DC.
I'm fascinated reading your thoughts as I have been going through a break up of a long-ish marriage (20 years together - 2 DC) since September and have felt broken by it.

It's been very different - very hard to see my DH skip off into new life with AP (unlike your DH mine was deceitful and was trying to get me to agree to a trial separation/give him funds for a flat etc) without actually telling me she was the reason- but there are some parallels.

Like you, I feel as though DH and I had withdrawn from one another in the last year or so especially during the pandemic. I still loved him but felt a bit ambivalent about us being together- I think because he never seemed to take the lead in improving things between us, he just let me do everything and I was tired. I wanted him to fight for us a bit more. I also thought he was really depressed and felt at a loss as to how to help him because his behaviour and demeanour was really dragging me down and I wanted to move forward and live but was really busy with work (I've been the main earner) and caring for our young DCs.
But you're so much further on than me in your thoughts about your future. I still cannot imagine meeting anyone else. I still find it so hard to accept the new relationship and o feel discarded. Perhaps because my DC are younger and DH has pretty much left all the parenting to me so I'd don't go out.
Good for you for taking from this a sense of possibility about the future. Good for you for knowing you'll be okay.

Thanks everyone.

I’ve slept well two nights in a row now and hopefully there are more to come. I’ve just bought a new bed so now I just need to work out how to get rid of the marital behemoth I currently sleep in! It’s huge and I remember it was a nightmare to get up the stairs. I might ask ex to help me get rid of it as hopefully he’ll remember how we got it in there in the first place!

zgirldream I’m so sorry to read you feel broken 😢 and some of what you write really resonates. I feel the stage of life I am at has played a huge part in how I am dealing with things now though as 10 years ago I would have been devastated. Our children are grown now and although they still need me, it’s not nearly the same as when children are young and need you as yours obviously will. The pandemic really does seem to have affected a lot of long term relationships and I suppose that does make sense.

I can’t imagine very far into the future at the moment though. The man I have been exchanging messages with for the last couple of weeks feels safe to rediscover being a woman with (and potentially practice on 😁) precisely because I know he has his own issues with commitment and is not offering anything long term. We haven’t even met yet and when we do, we may decide we’re completely incompatible but that’s fine too. I will never again let a man, or anyone for that matter, define how I feel about myself.

If it's any comfort at all, I have met the most incredible women over the last few weeks who have been ‘discarded’ by the men in their lives and I think the men must be idiots for letting them go. Bizarrely I feel hugely empowered by the whole experience! I feel my role was not to keep hold of my man. The fact he didn’t celebrate me or recognise what I brought to his life says more about him than it says about me. He’s now given me the gift of no longer being his support human so I’m running with it. I do hope you find the same peace.

I am awake...

because my son's recently back from clubbing and after assuring me he's not too drunk (through the medium of Star Wars themed texts !?!) he has now vomited on his desk chair.

I went to investigate when heard him trying to manhandle the chair into the bathroom. I am now hiding in my bedroom whilst he is evidently showering it.

I am not pondering the end of my marriage. I am wondering at the state my bathroom is going to be in

The joys of parenthood 😆hope the aftermath of the "not too drunk" night isn't too bad

Oh dear that sounds…messy.

I’ve just checked back in to see how you are doing (left the thread before because I was sick of people commenting on my situation despite my having given no nuanced information, just venting) - happy to see the answer seems to be very well. (Apart from the whole Darth Vader and the desecrated desk chair situation…)

Just here , having posted on your thread, I hope you are okay OP! Teens are the bloody worst,I know! But it's normal behavior! Let them do them I think x hope you are doing you, don't engage with DH , he has his own path to follow.

Some updates for anyone still reading…
Firstly, the bathroom situation wasn’t as bad as I feared. I needed to do a small amount of cleaning so I could use the shower but DS did take care of the rest when he’s sobered up enough 😂

Secondly, I haven’t missed stbeh at all. He came over to help with something practical and paid towards something that technically he didn’t need to. All is rumbling on ok.

Thirdly, my vulnerable DC has started therapy. It’s going very well and they seem to be in a relatively good place right now. They are hopeful the therapist will help. I feel a huge sense of relief and associated freedom.

Fourthly, I met my conversationalist this evening. Although obviously a very unfamiliar situation for me, it felt relatively natural. I felt desired and I felt desire. Arrangements are underway to meet again 😁

I’m glad about the mysterious conversationalist! I always think that’s a dicey moment — when you’ve connected online or via phone, and have still to meet in person!

Good for you!

'Fourthly, I met my conversationalist this evening. Although obviously a very unfamiliar situation for me, it felt relatively natural. I felt desired and I felt desire. Arrangements are underway to meet again' 😁

Hooray! Hope the conversationalist has a range of skills in addition to conversation😊

:-(

How are you doing OP?

Thanks for the supportive comments 😁

Hi Cow - yes I was taking nothing for granted and if I’m honest, I’m still a little off balance about it all but I’m continuing to go with the flow as that’s all I can do! I’m finding enjoyment in the feeling of uncertainty having had my life mapped out for so long and am really starting to firm up my ideas of what’s important to me in future relationships I may have.

Thank you for your continued support Billy. He’s still managing not to be too much of a dickhead on balance. I wouldn’t have been with him so long if he was a complete twat but I’m enjoying conversations with pretty much everyone else more than with him so maybe there’s something about him not being on my intellectual level…definitely from a communication perspective anyway.

Pottering - yes there was definite evidence of skills and I’m looking forward to our next meeting. It does feel quite confusing and a bit overwhelming that someone might find me attractive after such a long time of being shut down though. My sexual being hasn’t been nurtured for a very long time so I guess it will just take a bit of practise and some re-calibrating to get comfortable in myself again. It’s all very exciting anyway 😁

Thank you for asking zgirl I’m at a pre-booked event at the moment with ex and vulnerable DC. It’s been quite interesting. I approached it as a bit of a test as I knew there would be lots of males here and being emotionally starved, I wanted to plant myself in the middle of them to give an opportunity to explore how I felt about any attention that may come my way. I’m not carrying any trauma from my marriage or it’s end (as yet!) and am wide open emotionally. I’m conscious I don’t want to fall for the first person who says something nice just because they said something nice iyswim so thought it would be useful to gauge my responses. I’ve been chatted up by a few men since I’ve been here and have enjoyed the conversation but no one has interested me enough to want to progress anything, even though they’ve said some very complementary things indeed. I take this as a very good sign regarding my boundaries and new found self worth 😁

I’m inevitably spending some time with ex but that’s going very well too. I’m looking at him like a brother: a mix of care with some exasperation 😂 He’s unsettled in his new relationship as besotted with his new love but conscious she may dump him at any moment. He did mention he may be back with me in six months and I just laughed and told him not if I have anything to say about it. I still haven’t missed him at all. Mostly we’re being companionable but I’ve found it very liberating on the occasions when I’ve felt irritated to just duck out to do whatever I want instead.

I found myself musing yesterday how lucky I am and how fortunate I’ve been in my life, then I laughed as I remembered all of the crap I’ve actually dealt with.
Basically I’m in a really good place and am feeling more alive than I have in a long time.
Thank you so much zgirl for asking. I do hope you’re doing better now?