Awake and pondering the end of my long marriage

[dontknowhow2feela]

I'm awake again. Sleeping is not easy anyway but it's been worse since he told me it's over. We'd been together since the cusp of becoming adults. I care for him and know although we functioned well together it wasn't a full relationship of recent years. I was grateful when he stopped hugging me at night as it was just a distraction from whatever I was reading. My immediate response was relief when he told me. I know this is right but untangling our lives still hurts.

He is really trying to do this the 'right way' and end with me before he starts his new relationship but his new relationship has already started. He's been developing feelings for her over long Zoom chats through lockdown and met her a year ago for coffee without telling me. He tried to deny his feelings by talking about our future. Telling me he wanted to work on our relationship and reintroduce sex as we'd not been intimate for some years. I was initially excited when he said this. I'd always done the heavy lifting in the relationship but stopped 5 years ago or so when I said I'd match his input and if he wanted things to change he needed to step up. He did try a little of recent months and I felt awful that even though he was trying to instigate some intimacy I still wasn't really on board. I now know the reality is he didn't really want to work on it with me at all and it was a half hearted attempt. It makes sense I still wasn't getting any real connection from him as he was hugging his secret meeting and his burgeoning feelings to himself. His emotions were fully entangled with her.

He went on his 'first date' at the weekend and before he went I started divorce proceedings. He looked shellshocked. Apparently they discussed it afterwards and she was surprised it was so quick. Maybe she doesn't realise he has left me for her. Possibly they are both in a shared fantasy that the ending of this relationship has nothing to do with them being together. From my perspective when your DH tells you he is obsessed with a woman who has made major life decisions as a result of the strength of her feelings for him, it feels a bit late for HRT and relationship counselling! I care for him but I don't care enough about our relationship right now to fight for it.

I'm concerned for our young adult kids, one isn't taking it too well which is a real worry. but I grieve and mourn and am excited and relieved in equal measure. I know I will be ok and I know our relationship will be better as a result of this, whether we are apart for the rest of our lives or if our shared history and companionship brings us together at some unnamed point in the future...but right now it's hard and I wish I could get some sleep!

That is why any desperate pleas to stay together after a year long affair are a complete fxxking joke IMO.

They are based on pure calculation on what is best for them at this point.

Divorce, scandal, public approbation, family upset, embarrassment???

Nope.

I'll beg the wife to forgive me.
I've seen the light.
I now want to be a part of my children's lives.
I now want to be a participating parent after avoiding this shit for years 'cos I was too important and busy🙄.

My arse.

IMO this is a strategic decision to once again suit themselves.

As a wife, by all means suit yourself.
Do what you feel is best for you, the children and your life.

Whatever works for you 100%.

No judgement here at all.

But believe his bullshit?.
Believe that he SUDDENLY sees the error of his ways?
That his whole way of thinking has changed completely?

Nope. I simply don't believe such a convenient conversion is possible.

It's simply too self serving.🤷‍♀️

She might want children? New wife? Vegan girl? Showed up at work screaming? Wedding in a few months? At Days Inn? Long time bathroom If you’re happy that’s good. Never would have thought you’d choose her, so different, but looks like you did. Family too. Years? Ouch.

4nonblondes I'm not sure if you think you know me or if you are referring to someone else.

I do wish you or whoever it is about well. It seems like someone is hurting and their life is complicated :(

OP, this poster has been posting confused posts on lots of threads today.

OP I too am learning a lot from your beautiful considered writing. If there is empathy and respect flying around at the moment use it to get a bloody generous agreement nailed down.

Yes Billy and Snored, I agree. I do feel there is more at play than just the individual though. Society pushes people into ways of behaviour and we all know males particularly are encouraged and rewarded for being emotionless and ruthless in pursuit of their wants.

He's only acted similarly to everyone around us and the truth is, he's behaved better than most. I have my theories around this but won't go into them now.

When it first became apparent there was a problem with our kids he tried to do more. It's true, it's no accident his kids connect with him over his hobbies but he did come a long way; just not far enough.

We split our roles as that's what we knew. I got the responsibility for the relationships, he for security. He's done a great job with the career and is now a high flyer but our family dynamics are shocking. It could be said it's me who fucked it up but for one important fact. I worked with him to facilitate his career but he actively and overtly worked against what I tried to achieve.

It's poignant that it's only now we're on the same page.

Table Thank you, that's good to know

Startup ;)

This is very true. In the pecking order I was always put above my kids by. my STBXH which I always found odd and slightly unsettling as I’d put my kids over him anytime. And then I came to realise he prioritised my happiness, needs and wants over theirs because he thought he’d get more in return from me - more sex, more attention, more praise, more ego stroking. His apparent caring and selflessness towards me was actually often transactional and when I didn’t always keep up to my unspoken (and never actually agreed) end of the deal then I would be rewarded with sulking, prolonged periods of silence, dismissiveness. On those occasions the kids would then get more of his attention instead. Weird how it takes years of a repeated pattern like this to work out what was actually going on.
On a tangent but related note I was compiling a list of all the things that used to irritate me about him that I don’t have to put up with anymore and near the top of the list was how he’d attempt to get me in the mood on a Saturday (traditionally shag night) by pinching my bum and being all touchy-feely suggestive while I was getting dinner. It was a real turnoff needless to say.

I know who I am, he knows what he likes to do. The connections with the children are surface and based around his hobbies

I think you have described many men.

Since I've felt anger I've felt so much better. The anger is not the overriding emotion but it's there and has allowed me to speak more freely. The positive knock on effect with my DC has been transformative.

Financially he is still committed to making sure I have no mortgage to pay and I'll be grateful if we manage to do this without argument. I had a tearful moment when we were talking about dividing household goods and discussed a large item we'd planned meticulously with our future specifically in mind. Neither of us are particularly materialistic though so we should manage this without too much issue.

Following me pointing out I'm not dealing with his shit anymore and he needs to find other outlets when he's struggling, he's now committed to telling OW about his issues. He agreed she deserves to know it all and said she will likely understand as she's 'had' her own significant MH struggles. I almost laughed out loud. Not that she has experienced MH issues...I'm not a monster...but it confirmed what I suspected. I told him I'm too together for him now and he needs someone younger and not quite as sorted to better match his emotional level (and laugh at his jokes). My inner confidence is way too intimidating for him now! He is going for counselling...lots and lots of counselling! He said he can't believe how blind he's been and we agreed I probably know him better than he knows himself, which is really very sad!

Heck I feel good. I magnanimously gave him some tips to cope with shame and how to put things into context. He drank in what I was saying. He finally bloody sees me and understands what I have to say is of value but it's way too late. With each passing day I feel so much stronger. I still care for him and hope we make it through this with a relationship intact but I feel bloody incredible and he just looks scared.

Do you know the sad thing Sweetcorn. I would have taken being pinched on the arse as a prelude to sex as at least it implies some forethought Pretty much all I got was a 'fancy a shag' when an itch needed scratching which funnily enough didn't get me in the mood. Pinching my arse or suggestive comments ahead of time would have taken way to much forethought.

Firefly and Isn't that fucked up :(

He's clearly a twit and you married SO beneath you intellectually OP.

I suspect you know that.

So does he!

Let him off.

OP, what age are you?

Nearly 60 here, and I think my posts reflect that.

He's probably attractive to a really nice, but dim, late 30's woman.

IMO anyone with a REAL smattering of grey matter, would give him a very wide berth.

You have carried him for 33 years.

I'm with my husband 33 years and despite us both irritating each other at times🤷‍♀️, we are matched pretty well.

You have been over looked and taken for granted for years.

He's really NO gift...

You are the real 🌟 of this relationship.👏👍

"He's clearly a twit and you married SO beneath you intellectually OP."
I appreciate the sentiment but in all honesty I'm not sure it's strictly true.
Our brains work differently and our focus is in different areas but I think we're in the same intellectual ballpark.

OP, what age are you?
*50 and love the wisdom that I gain with each passing year
*
Nearly 60 here, and I think my posts reflect that.

He's probably attractive to a really nice, but dim, late 30's woman.
I'm not sure she's dim. She is also a professional high flyer who I understand is very good at her job and we share at least some political views. Emotionally, I have no idea and nor does he really. They have lots to find out.

IMO anyone with a REAL smattering of grey matter, would give him a very wide berth.
I think it depends on what they are looking for. He has some very redeeming qualities although the biggest draw for the 17 year old me, security and stability has now been shattered. The 50 year old me is not so bothered about that any more. He doesn't know himself so she can't possibly know him yet either. I did say I wouldn't help him work out how to improve for his new relationship but our kids need him to do better. If it benefits his romantic relationship too, I can live with that.

You have carried him for 33 years.
...I am the force and he and those around us know it but to give him his due, until recently, he worked hard and was committed to our family so his job provided well for us. He acknowledges he was able to work hard because of me and he knows I made every penny he earned count. I think it makes it easier to be respectful towards each other that neither of us will be financially destroyed over this.

I'm with my husband 33 years and despite us both irritating each other at times🤷‍♀️, we are matched pretty well.*
I* though we were too

You have been over looked and taken for granted for years.
Yes and it's become apparent just how much.

He was proud of how he handled his anger the other day (he was really very, very angry) until I pointed out his initial response was he was going to leave and not come back (default). His going would have escalated things and I'd be left clearing up the fallout so I managed the situation. I suggested a walk or to contact OW to calm down but when he refused, I talked him down. I mediated between him and DC, explained the motivations behind what was happening and told him what to do and why. His recollection didn't acknowledge any of that, he just remembered sitting there thinking about interactions with OW to calm himself down and feeling proud he didn't act on anger or leave...sigh...I was invisible in his head and it's not been the only time this has been the case in the last few weeks. * I find it pathetic that he hasn't realised how deficient he is, although he's now starting to. It confirms he outsourced his thinking to me as I suspected all along. He really needs to be away from my voice now. * (I'm not doing it again btw, not even for my DC, if he fucks things up, he'll have to deal with it).

He's really NO gift...
The divorce is my gift to her

You are the real 🌟 of this relationship
Why thank you

I said I'd been pondering on this yesterday "haven't we already dealt with this?" he said.

I explained it was my personal pondering and before I could explain further, he looked thoughtful. It was about four years ago he started to think maybe he'd settled for me.

Why am I not surprised!

@dontknowhow2feela I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. You write so thoughtfully & eloquently about your situation. You are absolutely right to grieve the end of your relationship & all that it involves. You are possibly moving through the grieving process (shock, denial, anger etc) but hopefully you will reach the stage of acceptance and you seem to be close to this.
It must be hard to watch your DH leave & start to build a new life with the OW, but as you've had time to reflect & try to make sense of it all, you are now in the amazing position of creating a new life for yourself, within this exciting new chapter of your life. If at all possible, try not to over analyse the past but instead, put all of your energy into planning an exciting future. I know it's hard, but trying to see the gifts of a really difficult situation can change it so much. It sounds like you would both benefit from still having a relationship with your ex and it will be on different terms, but this can help you to move forward & feel that all the years together have not been worthless. Look back at what you've achieved together (like your children), and congratulate yourself on dealing with the most life changing thing that has ever happened to you, with dignity, grace & respect. This is a huge achievement in itself. Not everyone has this ability.
You sound like you have plans afoot to explore new ideas, hobbies, work & relationships- how exciting. Not everyone gets this opportunity at this stage in their life, so grasp it and move forward with plans to suit you and enjoy every minute. You can do this and you deserve to be happy.
Good luck @dontknowhow2feela .

Thank you for your thoughts whatlies they are very encouraging.

I am mostly excited for my future and am still determined this is the right thing to happen. The pangs of loss are situational and the flashes of anger are relatively mild. Both are short lived and my pondering and grieving is not remotely hopeless.

The overriding concern at the moment is the situation with DC. They have now received in a diagnosis which is a huge relief to me and they are finally agreeing to accept some help.

This has been a big wake-up call for him and he now sees just how detrimental his approach has been. I know neither of us are blameless but I've worked hard to be a better parent whilst he has focussed primarily on himself and his needs. Now he knows better, he does want to do better. The analysis helps me share with him how to help them. Appreciating the extent of his lack of individual thought and awareness makes it clear to me he's just not capable of doing it alone yet and I'm going to have to continue to help him, at least for the moment.

The years before have not been worthless and I wouldn't have done anything differently. I made peace with my early decisions some time ago and of recent years know exactly why I acted as I did.

It will be good to get the financial settlement nailed so the uncertainty is removed for both of us. It will be good for him to move out so I can learn how not to focus on and think about him.

For my DC, I'll stay in a partial holding pattern for a bit longer, not because I want or need to but to give them the time they need to grieve.

My future is definitely bright, thank you for your good wishes

It will be a lovely relief when you no longer have to facilitate him operating in the world. You clearly do it in such a lovely subtle way he does not even notice it. Imagine all that energy spent on yourself rather than propping up an inadequate entitled man.

We bought our DC back from uni but they are not staying with us. They don't want to be in the house as It's too painful. I cried a little after we dropped them off where they are staying.

We then went food shopping and shopped separately as I've joined a diet plan do shopping for the week was a breeze for me. He did his own and was a bit snappy but he had just driven for several hours so maybe that was why?

We saw another guy we used to know as part of a couple but I'm sure I remember hearing they got divorced and he was there with a different woman. There is a lot of it about!

Not that subtle, he's just been obtuse!!

So this evening we started to talk about finances in earnest. I still believe he will honour the long term plan as he is adamant he will do so. I've told him he'd bloody well better now or I'll look like a right idiot!

The short to medium term arrangements are going to need a bit of thought as we work out how to fund three households. I could see we were both wary and pointed out how difficult it is to look out for ourselves whilst at the same time being respectful of each other. We're going to revisit on Monday after we've had a chance to digest the figures.

Fortunately we are in a position the manage this without either of us having real financial issues, I can't imagine how stressful it is when this isn't the case. We'll nevertheless have to cut our cloth though but hopefully it will mainly be in the short term. By early next year things should free up a bit and by mid next year we'll hopefully be in a much stronger financial position. The work we've put in together over the years won't be in vain as it will likely help us do this with less stress than if we were in financial difficulties. I refuse to get too caught up in this, there is no reason why we both can't work this out.

So we've just discussed how things are going to work in the short term.

We've worked out a split towards the FH that we can both work with. He is going to rent a room rather than a flat so there is some leeway in case I struggle as he's concerned I won't have enough. I should be absolutely fine but my wage is in flux at the moment and I'm not entirely sure how much I'll be taking home.

I paid for the divorce from the joint account. He suggested holding off as he doesn't want it going through around Xmas but what's the point in waiting. I said it's not like anything's going to be worked on. A month and a day ago he said, that's it, it's over, finito! It needs to feel real to me, even if not him.

In more interesting news, I went to an event yesterday and was the subject of some male attention. I enjoyed our conversation and could see he was looking out for me and casually hung around for me to catch up with him on several occasions.

It's been a very long time since I've felt remotely desirable but since the split I've been walking taller with my head held high and I really enjoyed the feeling.

Good for you OP, that all sounds very positive.

Excellent updates! Well done you!

Good for you, op. I am sure you will have ups and downs but will come out of it well. Stronger and happier xx

Hmmn, I'm not sure I'm particularly proud of my behaviour over the last couple of days on reflection. I really wish I could shut my mouth and stop talking but the idea of frosty politeness breaks my heart.

I apologised for some of the things I said in anger as they weren't all justified, although some of them were. I conceded he is taking a risk with his actions, although it would have been a different risk to have been vulnerable with his family. I also pointed out although I had plenty of opportunity to leave but stayed with him because I felt he was worth being with.

I repeated it hurts that he gave up on us, however OW aside, we need to be apart and I'm not sure we would have done it without something this major to drive it. I was obviously still invested as I'd been binge eating again which has been directly linked to when he withdraws. I also pointed out he doesn't hear me as separate from him and assumes things I say are his own idea. He countered this is normal as we often plant an idea with the kids and two days later they've taken ownership of it...I reminded him they are young adults, he's a 51 year old man (and more importantly, I'm not his parent!) He did concede he has a lot of growing up to do.

I know I've had support from him over the years but it's hard to focus on what at the moment. I can only remember the times he was drunk when DD was in crisis (every time, these things may or may not be linked!) and that talking to him about anything meaningful is often like talking to a brick wall. He is very good to vent at but I don't need to vent, I crave curiosity and discussion and input when I have an issue. He offers none of these. He was visibly disappointed when I said I've never felt secure in our relationship but he's not ever really said or done anything that's shown me he's really cared. When talking a few weeks ago I said something quite emotional and he just stared at me. I told him he could say something meaningful in return and he said but of course he feels that way too. I suspect he doesn't even realise that most of the things he's felt over the years were in his head and never actually made it out of his mouth.

He called OW from here this evening. He told me he was going to and went to a different area of the house to do so. I found it more difficult than when he leaves and stays the night with her! I told him afterwards he had bought her into our space, albeit digitally, and it felt very disrespectful. He apologised and thanked me for telling him it was an issue and said he wouldn't do it again.

He appears to be practicing showing appreciation. This is new! I wonder if it's just for me or if it's across the board.

How soon can he leave? It is disrespectful to say the least for him to be openly dating someone else while living in the marital home with you. I'd suggest he moves out by the weekend.