Awake and pondering the end of my long marriage

[dontknowhow2feela]

I'm awake again. Sleeping is not easy anyway but it's been worse since he told me it's over. We'd been together since the cusp of becoming adults. I care for him and know although we functioned well together it wasn't a full relationship of recent years. I was grateful when he stopped hugging me at night as it was just a distraction from whatever I was reading. My immediate response was relief when he told me. I know this is right but untangling our lives still hurts.

He is really trying to do this the 'right way' and end with me before he starts his new relationship but his new relationship has already started. He's been developing feelings for her over long Zoom chats through lockdown and met her a year ago for coffee without telling me. He tried to deny his feelings by talking about our future. Telling me he wanted to work on our relationship and reintroduce sex as we'd not been intimate for some years. I was initially excited when he said this. I'd always done the heavy lifting in the relationship but stopped 5 years ago or so when I said I'd match his input and if he wanted things to change he needed to step up. He did try a little of recent months and I felt awful that even though he was trying to instigate some intimacy I still wasn't really on board. I now know the reality is he didn't really want to work on it with me at all and it was a half hearted attempt. It makes sense I still wasn't getting any real connection from him as he was hugging his secret meeting and his burgeoning feelings to himself. His emotions were fully entangled with her.

He went on his 'first date' at the weekend and before he went I started divorce proceedings. He looked shellshocked. Apparently they discussed it afterwards and she was surprised it was so quick. Maybe she doesn't realise he has left me for her. Possibly they are both in a shared fantasy that the ending of this relationship has nothing to do with them being together. From my perspective when your DH tells you he is obsessed with a woman who has made major life decisions as a result of the strength of her feelings for him, it feels a bit late for HRT and relationship counselling! I care for him but I don't care enough about our relationship right now to fight for it.

I'm concerned for our young adult kids, one isn't taking it too well which is a real worry. but I grieve and mourn and am excited and relieved in equal measure. I know I will be ok and I know our relationship will be better as a result of this, whether we are apart for the rest of our lives or if our shared history and companionship brings us together at some unnamed point in the future...but right now it's hard and I wish I could get some sleep!

I agree, it sounds like it's turning into some sick game.

I'm a bit confused actually with this thread, there seems to be something that's not being said.

Thanks Startup and Dunes. He won't be here until next week now. His progressing the relationship stems from early on when he did the about-face and said he wanted to work on it with me. This was only because he became aware he'd acted like a selfish cunt in the way he went about ending things and DC subsequent reaction. I comforted him whilst he cried at the loss of his new life with OW and I told him then I didn't want him whilst he was obsessed with someone else. We needed to get DC comfortable with where things were rather than make a half hearted attempt to make things work and he deserved the opportunity of a full relationship with OW.

Before I knew it he'd arranged a date and I'd instigated divorce. He was surprised these things were linked. I'd said I cared about his happiness so surely that must mean he should 'crack on' as that's what will make him happy. Like I said, he's a fucking selfish child who is very confused by all this emotional stuff and is now navigating without me. He at least realises now just where he is but...

Dunes of course there is more. You are seeing the snapshot I'm sharing but there are two lives and a long relationship that can't possibly fit into a few forum posts. The thing you feel is missing is likely something unsaid here. There are certainly details that may help put things into context but this is after all a public forum and in theory my DC could find this and identify it as me. There are a few things I've written that I feel would be uncomfortably for them to read already so 'm trying to bear this in mind. I'm being as honest with my emotions as I know how as I'm recording the details of our unravelling relationship but there is background to how we got here. I'm an open book but not everything is mine alone to share.

I asked him to prioritise finding somewhere else to live this morning. He said he's already signed up (with the site I shared with him, he hadn't done anything about it himself!) and is actively looking.

I told him to look faster.

The sooner you stop holdinng his hand through, the better i feel. You will regret being quite so open, honest and supportive.

He is really not your friend at the moment.

Are you happy to share what you think I'll regret lightup? I'm hearing this and genuinely interested in why people are concerned?

From experience.. he cannot look out for ypu when he is leaving you and setting up with someone else. Your relationship has changed irrevocably. He is hanging onto the remnants as it eases his guilt and habit. You are his soon to be ex. Your actual needs are very different from his and when he finally shows you that you are not his priority in any way you will feel like a mug.

There is no need to be cruel but every reason to show him that he has lost you and you will not be used.

We are apparently a poster for amicable divorce. But there were some very tough times and they were needed ro cut the chord. We are friends now.

I'm so pleased that's what you meant, it's really reassuring.

I am being compassionate and empathetic and raw and open because that's how I want to be. Please don't mistake my compassion for weakness or naïveté though, it's my strength! If/when this gets ugly it's going to have to come from him first. I have a spine of steel and I can ramp up the anger when it's actually needed. Trust me, I'm ready for any fight that's going to happen!

My RL friends understand this but I guess it's not come through in my writing. I know I'm likely in the calm before the storm but I'm ready for when it hits and will be able to hold my head up high.

I refuse to be diminished by this. I have been elevated now and quite like it up here!

If I am still writing at that point and you are still following, please feel free to express just what a bastard he is being. At that stage I'll likely agree 😂

OP,

I think @youlightupmyday is spot on.

This is a time for firm boundaries.

You are continuing to be the parent in this relationship which is not in yours or your children's best interests.

He has made his choice and him conducting his relationship from the family home is shabby and very disrespectful of both you and your children.

Kindle meant, but I think your standards and expectations of him are very low.

I think it would be far better to look at him with a calm frosty eye.

I think in time you may come to realise his behaviour with this OW from the family has caused great pain for your children.

He will be fine🙄, focus utterly on your children trying to process all of this, or you could find they have emotional challenges for years.

Teens are surprisingly tender of heart and easily damaged IMO.

I really, really feel for you OP. You deserve much better than this. I know that the approach you’re taking feels open and mature, but I do worry that you will look back and regret it - the two of you living together and you sharing emotionally with him whilst he has a new partner is quite dysfunctional. The only way he could demonstrate any remaining respect for you as a person whatsoever would be to leave now, in my opinion. Why can’t he go and stay with the OW? And would your DC be happier coming home if he wasn’t there?

Sending you good thoughts.

Thank you Billy. You are right my standards have been very low. I recognised this to some extent five years ago which is why I withdrew. Through writing here and talking it through, I can see just how bad it's been now. Without Covid, the full life I was developing may have made it clear we had grown too far apart to stay together, or it may have reinvigorated our relationship, who knows? I definitely wouldn't have been lulled back into the artificial situation where I was stuck in the middle managing the household emotions again anyway!

I am incredibly concerned with the effect on my DC of my actions. It's why I dug for the anger and showed enough to let them know none of this is ok. My kids know I instigated the divorce and they know I am not sitting around waiting for his relationship to develop. They have seen my frosty gaze from day one and are seeing me walk tall. They are seeing curated snippets of my sadness etc but not to the extent I am pouring out here. That's safely stored with my friends and the world of Mumsnet.

I agree he is being shabby and disrespectful and they can see that. I haven't defended him to them but don't need to ram it home either. His relationships with them are his own to manage now.

Remember it was just a month ago he told me he was leaving. It's not very long at all to process what's going on. Personally, under the circumstances I feel like I've hit the ground running. He started this in motion but I'm steering it along. I'd much rather that than sitting around waiting for him to lead the way.

My first husband spouted the whole "we are still friends" "you can ring me/come around to see our pet whenever you feel like" etc when we divorced...and I was the one who left and filed. He was supposedly devastated, but he had a new girlfriend less than a month later. However, I felt quite proud of the fact that once we'd got the fighting over the financial settlement settled, we were on such good terms.

Of course, the reality was completely different. Less than two weeks afterwards, when I rang to see how the pet we'd shared was, he couldn't have been less friendly - abrupt and nasty. I got the message, and that was the last time I spoke to him. Nearly 30 years ago now...

Cross OW won't have him 😂they are taking it slowly and she won't have him living with her. We hadn't worked out finances before so that's mainly why he's still here. Now we have a plan, I just want him gone.

Please be aware, the night he told me my DC shared details of their mental state which took precedence over everything. The timing was no accident but nevertheless that had to be dealt with. I spent the first two weeks focussed on getting MH support in place so the split was secondary for me TBH. I didn't really want too much to change at that stage as was dealing with enough as it was.

It's actually been less than two and a half weeks since their first date. It feels like a lot has happened in a very short time.

DC said not coming home with him or without him. Hopefully that will change 😞

He's away house sitting until next week but if he hasn't found anything I'm going to tell him to go to her or get a hotel.

I have no doubt you are doing best and have done.

So don't waste your energy on regrets.

Focus on getting him out the door asap and leave him to curate his future relationship with his children.

I appreciate I am a bad minded suspicious old woman, but please keep a very careful eye on your financial settlement and take nothing for granted.

His character is so self absorbed, you wouldn't be the first woman to be totally done over in a divorce, despite earlier heartfelt declarations of honesty and fairness.

Thanks Billy, I don't do regrets 😁

Thank you for continuing to look out for me but I'm taking nothing for granted.

I've shared details of percentage splits of people we know and he knows I'm not asking for anything unreasonable. I have all the financial details as have always dealt with money and I will be absolutely ok no matter how this pans out. We lived on a shoestring when first had the kids so I can do it again if needed (it won't be needed). I'm not wasting energy looking for things to go wrong.

Op

Do you have a new partner ?

You speak with the confidence of someone who doesn't mind the forthcoming split.

I do understand that DC mental health come first. But like ripping off a band-aid, once he has gone, everyone can get used to the new world. It is not your problem that ow cannot have him. He is no longer in your marriage so like any single person he needs to find somewhere to live. Don't lose sight of this.

No Dunes and no one remotely on the horizon.

Just aware I would like to develop into an independent adult but can't do it while I'm still attached to him and wasn't unhappy enough to detach.

I was a fucked up 17 year old when we got together and have come so far. I'm comfortable in my skin now and ready for the next phase but obviously grappling with the conflicting emotions.

My counsellor prodded this morning. Am I not unhappy that he is infatuated with his new girlfriend in a way that he never was with me?

This is probably at the core Dune the element you wondered about that makes it ok for me to be alone. You already know he hears my voice as his own. I feel like I drove our entire relationship forwards and he was a passenger who was carried along. I wanted to be with him but I'm not sure he ever really wanted to be with me, it just happened around him and he went with it. When I didn't need him any more I was strong enough to give him the chance to choose. He didn't choose me. So now I know.

I'm aware being alone for the rest of my life is a distinct possibility but I'd rather that than feel I'm emotionally tied to someone who just doesn't care.

OP I've not much to add to what is a fantastically supportive and helpful thread that shows some of the best of MN, but my goodness you write absolutely beautifully.

Today I saw my struggling DC. They came to the house when he wasn't here and we went out for food together. Alcohol has been an issue with this DC for a while but ex has been glamorising and minimising because to see it would mean he'd need to adjust his behaviour. I therefore have been in the role of boring nag alone.

DC wanted to go to a bar afterwards for a cocktail. I bought them a mocktail and they took it in good grace with a laugh.

It seems his influence with them is now waning.

DC said they will come to the house and stay here again when he's gone and expressed how hard they are finding it to reconcile the actions of the person they love and adore. I told them he has left me not them. He picked excitement over security and although I didn't pick it for myself, I will have to create a new life too and I'll thrive not just survive.

DC cried a little and hugged a lot and pointed out they'd connected up with me before him. I'd hoped this was significant and evidently it was.

I broke the news to another friend today. He said I've always been guarded but now he sees I'm going to get the chance to fully come into my own. We all know he's right.

Thank you noir chat, I'm sorry you didn't get what you hoped. I'm not sure how I'll feel as this plays out as my feelings are shifting already, but it's something to bear in mind.

Startup there was a bit of staying the same to help DC but it was mostly for me TBH. I was focussed on putting things in place so DC was going to be safe and didn't have the capacity to deal with effects of kicking him out and co-parenting remotely at the same time. He didn't see her for the first couple of weeks either so it was easy to ignore to some extent.

Wellhello I've found the responses so helpful and have considered and been grateful for them all. I do hope those who posted about struggling with their own situations are all doing ok.

Thank you re my writing. The comments have given me a much appreciated confidence boost.

Today I am feeling bereft. I'm not pondering nor analysing, I'm just bereft

It’s normal and right to feel that way, OP. I am also sure that your husband will feel that way too sometimes, whether his new relationship continues or not. Indulge in whatever you need to feel better this evening. You will be ok!

Thank you Cross, I went to the gym which helped and spoke to a couple of guys OLD which didn't. I deleted the app as I realised I don't need that in my life atm.

I feel empty this morning. I tried to make myself cry by listening to a couple of meaningful songs but it didn't work. I just kept thinking he thought he loved me when he declared these songs as ours but I knew he saw me as his parent. I allowed myself to be disregarded and didn't ask for more because I was afraid he would leave and I needed him.

I'm stronger now.

I still haven't properly cried. I do seem to be feeling everything and my voice wavers when I tear up at points but I'm not feeling anything in gut wrenching agony. I don't know if I'm blocking it of if the tears really aren't there but I don't seem to be able to magic anything up.

It's still really bloody hard though.

It's hard isn't it? Trying to work out what your actual emotion is. And what to feel to be 'healthy', what to do to distract, what to do to build yourself up and selfcare. In reality, you are just starting a new life, new habits, new thought processes that are severed from your previous life.

Chin up, it is a roller coaster but it will slowly get easier and your new life will take over. I found keeping busy helped. Then suddenly I was just living my new life, and not in the context of being new. Just in the context of it being my life. This will come to you

Thanks lightup, this morning I re-read the thread again but this time I ignored my posts and focused entirely on the responses. They lifted me so much I've actually been able to do some work. I'm so grateful to have them to refer to. Journalling is not a patch on putting it out there for the vipers. How on earth do people do this without Mumsnet?