Last night I slept for over 8 hours.
I woke feeling at peace with a clear head and of course, I pondered why. 😁
I decided the main reason is yesterday he was authentic in front of our DC. I know he wants to have a better connection with them and they need a better connection with him. They are all confused and unsettled by him opening up at the moment but that will pass. It's a big step in my withdrawal as emotional gatekeeper for the family. I've had to step back into role a bit more lately bearing in mind recent events but it was a hard enough position when we were all together. Apart I can't even imagine!
My initial post stated I was pleased when he stopped hugging me etc. That was in the very recent. A gulf had opened between us in the last few months and now I understand it's as his other relationship had been building.
When I've described withdrawing from our relationship, I was still here physically. I held his hand, we hugged, we chatted companionably and went places together. I smiled when he entered the room and stopped what I was doing as I was interested in what he had to say. I listened and laughed and we made plans for our future. Our relationship was enviable from the outside.
The withdrawal was from anticipating what he wanted, from interpreting his every need. I stopped looking for the cues that told me how he was feeling so I could adapt myself to fit. I stopped pouring myself emotionally into a relationship where nothing flowed back towards me.
I matched him!
I told him exactly what I needed. I offered to help him navigate. I was open and available and I desperately wanted him to take advantage of all I had to offer but he needed to ask. He never did.
All of the above went for the kids too. I stopped being Supermum, swooping in the save them from dangers they didn't even realise existed. I nurtured and guided them still though as they are my kids and need an appropriate level of parenting. I wasn't going to parent him any more though. He is a grown man.
I understand how it reads that way eyespy, but what's on the page is such a small part of the story. There are no lies in the posts I've written but there are omissions of course. Over the last two days he's cried for what he's lost and for what he could have had. I'm not sure he's aware that's what he's crying for but I've had a lifetime of interpreting him and it's pretty clear to me. He's scared and confused about many things but he's sure he needs to do this and he is right.
He needs to be an adult and make adult decisions for himself and I need to do the same. It's frightening for both of us but also exciting. There is no malice, we bear each other no ill will. I spoke about getting the financial agreement in place as whilst it's not settled I'll always feel vulnerable. He reiterated his position hasn't changed. I need enough out of the house to be mortgage free and he will happily sign whatever to make that happen.
We don't need to be married anymore and that's got to be a good thing. Today, that doesn't feel so hard.