Awake and pondering the end of my long marriage

[dontknowhow2feela]

I'm awake again. Sleeping is not easy anyway but it's been worse since he told me it's over. We'd been together since the cusp of becoming adults. I care for him and know although we functioned well together it wasn't a full relationship of recent years. I was grateful when he stopped hugging me at night as it was just a distraction from whatever I was reading. My immediate response was relief when he told me. I know this is right but untangling our lives still hurts.

He is really trying to do this the 'right way' and end with me before he starts his new relationship but his new relationship has already started. He's been developing feelings for her over long Zoom chats through lockdown and met her a year ago for coffee without telling me. He tried to deny his feelings by talking about our future. Telling me he wanted to work on our relationship and reintroduce sex as we'd not been intimate for some years. I was initially excited when he said this. I'd always done the heavy lifting in the relationship but stopped 5 years ago or so when I said I'd match his input and if he wanted things to change he needed to step up. He did try a little of recent months and I felt awful that even though he was trying to instigate some intimacy I still wasn't really on board. I now know the reality is he didn't really want to work on it with me at all and it was a half hearted attempt. It makes sense I still wasn't getting any real connection from him as he was hugging his secret meeting and his burgeoning feelings to himself. His emotions were fully entangled with her.

He went on his 'first date' at the weekend and before he went I started divorce proceedings. He looked shellshocked. Apparently they discussed it afterwards and she was surprised it was so quick. Maybe she doesn't realise he has left me for her. Possibly they are both in a shared fantasy that the ending of this relationship has nothing to do with them being together. From my perspective when your DH tells you he is obsessed with a woman who has made major life decisions as a result of the strength of her feelings for him, it feels a bit late for HRT and relationship counselling! I care for him but I don't care enough about our relationship right now to fight for it.

I'm concerned for our young adult kids, one isn't taking it too well which is a real worry. but I grieve and mourn and am excited and relieved in equal measure. I know I will be ok and I know our relationship will be better as a result of this, whether we are apart for the rest of our lives or if our shared history and companionship brings us together at some unnamed point in the future...but right now it's hard and I wish I could get some sleep!

Awake again!

Thanks dunes and thanks everyone who's replied. It's helping to get it all down, particularly that I'm putting it here. When I'm journaling it's all a bit random but here I have to think about it making sense. Thank you to those of you who have said nice things about my writing, it's appreciated

I keep obsessively re-reading this whole thread. It's helping keep everything straight in my mind and your responses are making me think about things I wouldn't necessarily have considered.

I've been reading relationship threads with a focus on husbands walking out quite a lot lately (and had even read some out to him incredulously) so I knew exactly what I needed to do when he told me. I had recently sorted out all of our passwords and split off some of our accounts. It felt like he told me out of the blue but it wasn't really at all. My wonderful unconscious brain had kept me safe.

I told him the other day I felt I was getting the better end of the deal. He's sliding straight into another relationship and a whole new set of compromises but I get a chance to breathe and decide my own direction. I really believe that and it's as a result of your responses on here. IRL I feel surrounded by more love than I have for a long time. I'm really very blessed.

Yep. The removal of 'us' as a unit of speech with have an effect. And is a good mindset. It is rough but remember he is not actually your friend now. He maybe again in the future but not now.

You do have time to breathe. I did OLD for a while, but my attitude is that I had my kids and assets and only wanted fun/ experiences Tbh it was all a disaster but I met a couple of boy toys in real life and had light relationships with them until I met my partner OLD, when I was showing a friend how to use it! But that was a fluke..

I refuse to be eaten up by bitterness and am insightful enough to know where we are is the responsibility of both of us. I do care for him and have empathy for him but not as much as the care and empathy I have for myself 😄

She is younger, does more interesting things and is more attractive than me but I've made a relationship work for over 30 years and have grown and nurtured two wonderful young humans. She may be right for him now but I was right for him then and she would never have looked twice at him if he hadn't have had the attractiveness of maturity on his side. I have told him this and he knows it's true! Whether he remains attractive to her as this relationship progresses remains to be seen, it really could go either way depending on her priorities.

Less than seven weeks ago he planned to spend the rest of his life with me. He wasn't making plans to leave. He has left because someone else wanted him.

I don't feel diminished, I feel elevated. I've been saying for some time I need to find out who I am but I realise now that's not true. I know EXACTLY who I am and deep down, where it really matters, I'm at peace. The same can definitely not be said for him...

Boy toys sound like fun. I have friends who have been steering me in that direction. Definitely not a fluke...you are obviously meant to be. I'm still smiling about Mallorca and the sex😁

I find the idea of his leaping from one long-term relationship straight into another so strange, unattractive and needy.

That alone would diminish him in my eyes.

I understand I may be alone in this though.

I think you sound extremely healthy and self aware.

Your future looks very bright.

Awake again! It's been a harder day today. I left my DC in a much better place than when I got there so so that's really great.

I drove partway back and have stopped with a friend tonight which has been lovely.

However I'm just feeling the loss today. I've been thinking about being alone for the rest of my life. As has been pointed out, I won't be and even if I am, that will be fine. I know this but today, it just feels real and scary.

He is in love with someone else...fuck

@dontknowhow2feela may I gently challenge your belief that

Less than seven weeks ago he planned to spend the rest of his life with me. He wasn't making plans to leave.

please know there is a high likelihood he's been scheming this for a long time, a lot longer than he's disclosed to you. These things are never that sudden especially when you consider all those cosy Zoom chat they were having, it was all going on in plain sight.

and just to say ... your earlier comments that it's too late now for HRT and relationship counselling, no it isn't! The difference is, you'd be doing it for you, it's really important to get used to thinking about life in terms of you, your needs and your future, own it and enjoy it 😊

In other words, he was hedging his bets 7 weeks ago, keeping two plates spinning while he decided what came next.

Hi daisy, Ithanks and you are right. He lied to me a year ago about seeing her which was my point to him He is so out of touch with himself though that he didn't know that. Until she told him she had feelings for him, he accepted it was his own fantasy and all in his head and wasn't going anywhere. He was going to continue a half existence with me until who knows when.

I don't want him like that and deserve more. We both do. It's why when he told me and then briefly backtracked because of DC reaction, I refused to work on it with him and told him he had to go be with her now. I have nothing to compare to that first flush of love. We would have grown to hate each other if he stayed.

The relationship counselling and HRT comment was specifically about working on our marriage. We were going to get counselling to help us separate gently but after an initial session we decided against. The counsellor explained she would help us have empathy with each other but we have that anyway. I am protecting myself enough not to want to dissect our relationship together so he gets tips for his new one. He can do the work himself!

I have my first individual counselling session booked this week. It can't come too soon.

"In other words, he was hedging his bets 7 weeks ago, keeping two plates spinning while he decided what came next."

Yes he was.

I can frame it that he was a coward not to go.

I choose the view that as our relationship was still important enough for him not to want to throw it away needlessly and it took a very big reason indeed for him to leave.

I don't need to be angry with him. I can have compassion for him because I have plenty for me with some left over. I'd rather do this with empathy than hate. I don't need anger to drive me forwards.

Daisy thank you for the challenge though. It's helped me remember where I am and why. I feel a bit stronger already.

@dontknowhow2feela I’ve read your thread with interest and empathy and admiration for your ability to understand and articulate your feelings. I’m in a slightly similar but not quite the same place with my husband of 25 years in that I discovered 4 months ago that he’d been having a year long emotionally and physically intense affair with someone from work. He’s now desperate to save the marriage, and has ended the affair - I’m not sure I can get past the betrayal. Like you, I lie awake at night ruminating, like you I can see we both neglected our relationship and communication in the past and grew apart emotionally and sexually (complicated by some issues of his that he didn’t address until he had the incentive of wanting to fuck the ow). But that aside we get on so well, are on the same wavelength about so many things and I find it hard to contemplate spending the rest of my life alone (am late 50s). Although I’m strong and would be fine (if lonely). Your posts really resonate with me. You sound amazing and you will end up the stronger happier person for spending time alone reacquainting yourself with you, as opposed to moving straight into the false facades and compromises a new relationship brings. Something tells me your husband will end up regretting his choices.

@dontknowhow2feela, how much younger is the new gf? Does she have children?

It seems you have the foundations for a good life post separation. You may choose to remain single as it's more common for women to do so, mostly because they start to enjoy the benefits of not having to compromise all the time. Has your H put effort in to ensuring the children are OK, or are you the default carer?

Something tells me your husband will end up regretting his choices.

I second that, @MissedItByThisMuch

@dontknowhow2feela you have become stronger by the day, what seemed unthinkable to you all those months ago is the reality you've confronted head on, and have a clear way forward. You know what you deserve and very importantly you know what you don't want. A compromise in this situation is not for you, and you're handling it with dignity.

He won't know what he's got til it's gone, to put it bluntly, he's an idiot!

Missed it it's shit isn't it! I'm sorry for where you find yourself and hope you find some peace with the decisions you have to make.

Firefly late thirties, no kids, hates them apparently. I have pointed out many middle aged men end up with second families when their new, younger, child hating girlfriend is in a stable relationship with a decent man and her body clock hits 39! He is adamant this won't happen. I have stopped mentioning it now as he gets quite irritated

To everyone who has been complimentary and feels he will regret this, he knows how great I am and is going anyway. He is in an obvious amount of pain as he's struggling to reconcile the hurt he's caused to our family and the deep shame he feels. He's told me he hopes I'll find someone else as I have so much to offer and shouldn't spend the rest of my life alone. I know he'd like that as it would ease his self loathing but I still feel tearful as I type it.

I've told him I'm secure in myself and my counselling will be to navigate through the situation, he's all over the place though and really needs lots of counselling to sort through much bigger issues. I feel sure the counselling will confirm it's right for our relationship to end and for him to take a chance on a new, fuller life. I genuinely do hope all works out well for him.

He is an involved dad but his lack of emotional connection has had an effect on our DC. I also realised today the casual disregard with which he treated me has spilled over into how they interacted with me. They are interacting with me very differently now and I like it!

He is trying very hard to communicate openly and honestly now. I'm sad it's taken this to enable that to happen. OW will definitely get the best of him...

...but I feel at peace again today.

She won't get the best if him. He will always have the shame and guilt.

OP, I came on MN today to start a thread as I am so confused about how I am feeling and came across your post which had so many similarities to my situation apart from one big difference: there is no OW, just an obsession for all things sport/golf.
As others have said, you write beautifully, so articulate and eloquent.
So sorry nothing to add really, just wanted to say I admire how you are handling things and thankful for your post and subsequent replies which have given me some food for thought.

Well it’s one thing to intellectually understand that the person you are with is great. It’s another to come to the full realisation months or years down the track when the first hormonal rush of idealising her has worn off and awareness of all the imperfections and annoyances of normal people living normal life resurfaces.

If I’d found out about my H’s affair in the early, heady, “I love you, you’ve made me feel alive again” days I’m fairly sure he would have left me for her. Now, 16 months down the track from the hormonal madness that thought wakes him sweating in the middle of the night. He now fully realises that he’d been denying my worth and qualities and massively deluding himself about hers, and it would ultimately have made him miserable.

And yes, it’s one of the many ironies about our situation that we are now, when the marriage is probably destroyed beyond fixing, communicating more openly, honestly and authentically than we have probably ever.

I'm so pleased I have this place to put my feelings. Six hours ago I was at peace. Not so much now.

Having had a few days away from each other, things are feeling a bit more strained now we're back together again. We spoke about our DC MH when I got back and although he cried, for the first time neither of us reached out to each other.

There is a gulf developing which is necessary and to be expected but it hurts to see the hardness in his face and to hear him say he found it easier to have spent the last few days without me, even though I know I look and feel the same.

Now he is finally discussing his feelings, I'm craving the connection but I know it's too late and this new, better version of my husband is not for me.

I asked him if he is doing ok and he said he's doing really well, better than ok. He snarled slightly at me that of course I am doing brilliantly but I told him I'm not really. I'm doing ok but it's really hard.

I'm really very tired now.

And I hear you about ow getting the best of them. That definitely happened in my case, and I’ve said it to him in exactly those words - she got his time (this one is massive to me - he never had time for me or the kids, work was too vital, he was too important…but suddenly he could take time for her), his caring, his affection, his effort, his open communication, his emotional connection, his openly sharing vulnerabilities, his preparedness to seek help for ED, the list goes on. If he’d taken the trouble to give me those things our marriage wouldn’t have become the place of distant, frosty politeness that it was.

I have moments of feeling so resentful about that. I’m getting those things now - but I’m not sure if I want them, tainted as they are. I’m resentful about that too.

I’m glad you’re at peace today. It’s such a roller coaster isn’t it?

Your situation sounds so so much like mine except your H has at least paid lip service to doing the right thing by telling you early on. Maybe I’m projecting my own situation onto yours too much, but I’d prepare yourself for him to realise the mistake he’s made and want to come back, and decide what you’ll do in that event.

light up but ironically, if I do go on to live my best life (which I fully intend to do), he'll likely decide it was all for the best and pat himself on the back and the reality is, he may be right...?

Osteo thank you. I'm glad you have found the thread helpful. I do hope your confusion settles soon and you are able to see a way forwards for yourself.

Missed it this has not escaped me. Any realisation of what he has lost will likely come some way down the line if it happens at all. I can't imagine what you are having to weigh up at the moment...well I can a bit! Your message really resonates. I believe it is a necessary step for him to do this now but I can admit, there is a part of me that would quite like him to look back at some point in the future and wonder if he made the right decision.

“I asked him if he is doing ok and he said he's doing really well, better than ok.”

But you’ll never know how much of that is true, and how much is bravado, or an attempt to convince himself, or just because so much of their “bonding” took place online and the novelty hasn’t worn off. Yet. It will. It’s very easy online to present only the best of yourself, only the bits you want the other person to see.

I believe it is a necessary step for him to do this now but I can admit,
there is a part of me that would quite like him to look back at some
point in the future and wonder if he made the right decision

That time will probably come but when it does it feels like a hollow victory.

There are no winners when the realisation comes that a long term marriage has been destroyed by poor choices and selfishness.

Your husband cheated on your children as much as he cheated on you.

He has chosen to be a very selfish parent for a long time, and then a cheater.

Let him sweat and save every scrap of compassion for yourself and your children.

Now that you know just how selfish he is, I would be very wary of trusting him again.

Some counselling for yourself would be helpful.

@billy1966 this isn’t my thread and I didn’t actually ask for advice but i am very aware of that, as is he, and I can assure you he feels enormous guilt and shame about it. As he should. I haven’t decided what to do about my marriage yet and don’t want to make a hasty decision given that I’ve got 25 years and 4 children invested in this marriage. I am seeing how things go right now.

@MissedItByThisMuch
Good luck with whatever you decide.

IMO with someone as selfish and avoidant of family life as he has been, for so long avoiding you, your children, and deliberately lying to avoid family life, I think his upset is for himself.

The core character of someone who behaves like this for so long, is someone to take proclamations of shame and regret very lightly from.

Of course your having 4 children to factor in is rightly a huge consideration.

All I am stressing is that you do what is best for you and your children and take his declarations with a pinch of salt, words are so cheap.

He is taking action now when all was nearly lost?
Focus on why he cared so little for you all, and thought he could behave in this way for so long.
Because that is the real man..

Really wishing you the best.