Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

[19Bears]

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

Did his kids do this to him, as it's them he is punishing by not being there when they have presents for him. Show your kids they deserve better than this, get your things in order and start divorce proceedings.

OP - if this helps, & I sincerely hope it does - his text is hilarious.
The best he can say ABOUT HIMSELF is that he is "always on your side" which is a ludicrous lie, & that he "bought things" for you.
With a side helping of "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO".
His own estimation of how marriage works, & what he needs to put into it, is shit, innit?

Fear of confrontation is what stops me. Nothing else.
See my previous post. Don't confront. Don't expect agreement. Just crack on with the sad & necessary business of dismantling the apparatus of your marriage.
While you do so - please read this, & keep it at the absolute forefront of your mind in all your dealings with him - JADE
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
You don't need his confirmation, agreement, or permission - remember?

It used to be fear of how the kids would react, but now I think they'd be relieved.
Good. Do it for them.

Also the guilt of knowing he's got nowhere to go. No family within three hundred miles, and no friends.
I imagine he has no friends because he's an unremitting arsehole.
Can you let me know how his lack of friends is YOUR problem?
If he needs to travel 300 miles to get support or temp housing from family - hurrah! That's something YOU should celebrate, not feel guilty about.

I just don't want to deal with any of it, but I know I have to. The first episode of that new series from Romesh Ranganathan got me thinking 'shit, this is me.' Never thought I'd say that!
Again - good. Let it galvanise you.
The only thing stopping you from proceeding with a divorce is you waiting for him to give you his agreement.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4405586-Intolerable-living-situation?postsby=Onmeway

But you no longer need his agreement. He can no longer just hang about, leeching off your emotional labour & hard work & ignoring your frequent 'requests' to split.
You seriously need to change your mindset on that OP. This year no-fault divorce came in. He cannot stall you like last time, in your November 2021 thread.
So much of your previous threads are taken up with you tying yourself in knots wondering how to "Dear John" him - & him simply refusing to accept it & pretending that he cannot hear that you are done.

So STOP asking permission. Just lead your own life, stop seeking his acceptance, & let him feel whatever he feels & act however he acts without letting that affect your plans one jot. Do not allow him to push you into asking for his agreement again - remember the mantra & DO NOT 'JADE'.

Get him out of your life, what an appalling excuse for a man. If he's got "no friends" as you say then doesn't that just speak volumes?

Take it from someone who stayed far too long in a bad relationship and who was also gaslit - get rid, now. There is nothing to stay for and avoiding confrontation is just delaying the inevitable. You'll wish you did it years ago. It sounds as if you may have co-dependency issues and perhaps older generations in your family have muddled along through terrible relationships and normalised behaviour like this in your eyes? I was always putting the kids first, until I finally realised that putting them first involved leaving him, not staying. Do you have family around that will support you?

The only response to him is a divorce petition

You know it isn't your fault though. He's using spurious reasons to excuse his behaviour. He doesn't respect you at all. Now is the time to be definite.Don't engage with him any more, just take decisive action that will ultimately be for the best - leave him. Get him out of the house or start to make plans for splitting up. Tell him you want divorce.

SHL while the kids are at school. They won’t know the difference if he’s gone.

How awful. He’s checked out of this relationship and is trying to shut you up, by blaming you.

All the time he continues this way, it’s upsetting you and your DC. Take action now. If he wants to go where he wants when he wants, perhaps it’s better for everyone that he doesn’t come back.

I wonder why he bothers texting you to tell you where he's gone. It makes no sense when it's not like he's giving you any choice in the matter or any real information.

It doesn't matter much though. It's despicable behaviour and not normal at all. Your poor DCs. You should remove yourself from being in a position where what he does and where he goes has any impact on you all, either by leaving or kicking him out, whatever works best for you. I haven't seen your other threads but I'm not sure I need to tbh.

I hope your brother is OK btw.

Just start the ball rolling op hes not going to agree its his fault and it doesnt matter you can file a no fault divorce and go from there

do you own the house together

Thanks everyone, and sorry I can't reply to you all individually. Thank you for taking the time to help. I'm trying to get a doctors appointment for my eldest, appeal a hospital car park fine, prepare for a bloody school governors meeting, and sort out a few things for my brother, all while I'm supposed to be working and before I go to pick the kids up from school. He's at home working in his dressing gown. Then when he's finished he'll sit and watch Arsenal TV. None of this is relevant, but a small rant seems to be getting rid of my headache!! I know what I need to do. And actually some of it is done. I've got my offer in place from the building society to take over the mortgage, I've had an initial consultation with a solicitor who is ready to go when I say the word, and I've half filled in the online divorce form.......

I can guess who you are straight away ,you have had another thread ,which I couldn’t believe what I was reading then either .
seriously ,I can’t believe you are still putting up with this shit

Oh OP, you are casting pearls before swine. Just a glance at his texts shows he has about 30% of your brain. I've done the same with partners, poring over their every syllable hoping to find some hope.

You deserve better! Or you'd be better off alone. Take your pick. And good luck

Good @19Bears !

Carry on like this and don't divert when he has an inkling on what's going to happen.

You can do that!

Fill it out fully and submit it.

Then text back and say “you’re absolutely deluded you useless cunt” and then look forward to a life free from his absolute pointlessness.

@19Bears

I know what I need to do. And actually some of it is done. I've got my offer in place from the building society to take over the mortgage, I've had an initial consultation with a solicitor who is ready to go when I say the word, and I've half filled in the online divorce form.......

Thank goodness - steps in the right direction. Complete the divorce form asap and submit it.

Protect your funds- if he has access to your accounts move at least 50% into an account he cannot access or change the passwords to any individual bank accounts you currently have. Ensure he can't access your smartphone or emails and clear down your browsing history after each session. Good luck. 🌹

well done op on getting things going-he could of course try to stop you taking over the house legally he doesnt have to give it up but i assume youre going to try and buy him out?

Any texts he sends blaming you / trying to get into a back and forth etc just use 'noted' or 'ok' followed by short sentences as concise as possible with non emotive language. Examples:

Noted. As mentioned I'm filing for divorce and you'll receive the paperwork next week.

Ok. We'll obviously need to sit down with a neutral third party to discuss childcare and finances. I'll find a suitable mediator and send details next week.

Oh and people will tell you to change the locks but legally you don't have the right to stop him having access if it's a shared home. Yes I know people will say "well he's an arsehole who doesn't deserve to be there" etc but legally that doesn't matter, could get OP in The extra bother and creates more admin than it's worth as he can just get them changed again the same day. He has as much right to change them as her legally (the law doesn't care that he's a prick) so it's a dangerous game to get into that just isn't worth it.

I've got my offer in place from the building society to take over the mortgage, I've had an initial consultation with a solicitor who is ready to go when I say the word, and I've half filled in the online divorce form.......

Then you are nearly good to go.
Imagine the joy of managing your own household without interference/slacking, without him draining the life out of you & DC, & being able to provide them with the happy, relaxed home environment you all deserve.

I know you are in blue arsed fly mode as he doesn't do any of the mental load, admin etc - but get cracking asap.

And note what PP said about securing any joint accounts. You need to prioritise that. He's capable to helping himself (quite legally) to all the money & texting you to explain how THAT's all your fault too.

Pull the trigger OP. The form, mortgage and solicitor aren't doing anything in the Drafts Folder of your life. They need to move into your Outbox. As does he.

Poor kids - How disappointing for them. Hope you told him I stay in Leeds.

This is sounding more positive. You have done the hard work - you can do this without him. Just stop worrying about what he thinks. You are doing so much (work, school, kids, family) - he is doing sweet FA and just causing you problems. But it doesn't matter anymore because you just need to press send on all those emails and documents and go go go. Imagine life without him. Imagine not having to wake up worried or feel let down.

Rooting for you OP.

C'mon Op you can do this. It's clear from your posts that you are far brighter than him. His text is idiotic, " he bought things for you". You are far too good for him. Start valuing yourself and your abilities.

Get that mortgage completed, finish filling in the divorce forms and press send and then contact your divorce lawyer.

You don't need that ungrateful, ugly millstone around your neck any longer, throw off that shackle and smell the freedom.