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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

302 replies

19Bears · 19/06/2022 17:38

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

OP posts:
Renniesfixeverything · 20/06/2022 16:32

Blimey, well done OP, you've done brilliantly getting all that done today on top of everything else! It's about keeping momentum now, even tiny steps forward are still progress so just keep plugging away at what needs doing to get rid of him, eyes on the prize.

The sense of relief when he's gone and you're not carrying that millstone round your neck will be immense. There will be hard bits and some sadness I'm sure but that's what we're here for, don't be afraid to post whenever you need sympathetic ears, a pep talk, advice or just a rant. Do you have a plan for telling him you're filing for divorce?

diddl · 20/06/2022 16:46

I've got my offer in place from the building society to take over the mortgage, I've had an initial consultation with a solicitor who is ready to go when I say the word, and I've half filled in the online divorce form.......

That is fabulous Op.

me4real · 20/06/2022 18:43

Well done with the form etc @19Bears . Keep going. x

RealityTV · 20/06/2022 19:14

LEAVE! He is likely with his other family! Whatever he is doing, he doesn't want to do it with you and his kids with you. Accept that message and move on! HE can pay child support and YOU can live your life and meet someone who loves and wants you!

GetThatHelmetOn · 20/06/2022 19:27

RealityTV · 20/06/2022 19:14

LEAVE! He is likely with his other family! Whatever he is doing, he doesn't want to do it with you and his kids with you. Accept that message and move on! HE can pay child support and YOU can live your life and meet someone who loves and wants you!

I think Reality has a point here, if everyone is busy playing happy families on Father’s Day, who is he playing with?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/06/2022 19:27

RealityTV · 20/06/2022 19:14

LEAVE! He is likely with his other family! Whatever he is doing, he doesn't want to do it with you and his kids with you. Accept that message and move on! HE can pay child support and YOU can live your life and meet someone who loves and wants you!

From what OP has said about him (once-weekly toothbrushing, no effort with appearance), it seems unlikely he has a second family! @19Bears sounds stronger now - very positive!

Thack · 20/06/2022 21:25

Your last update.... You are amazing!
I can only imagine how much easier it will be without useless husband adding to the chores and leeching all of your headspace and energy. We'll done 19Bears

19Bears · 20/06/2022 21:41

Once again, thank you for your support everyone. I'm just so bloody tired tonight. He's still in his dressing gown and is sitting on the sofa subjecting the kids to his dirgey music. I've played football and been on a short bike ride with them, after being at work and also a two hour school governors meeting. And it's me who's in the wrong here??? To make matters worse, I did my hair colour yesterday and it's much darker than normal and I feel like a blinkin crow....

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 20/06/2022 21:48

19Bears · 20/06/2022 21:41

Once again, thank you for your support everyone. I'm just so bloody tired tonight. He's still in his dressing gown and is sitting on the sofa subjecting the kids to his dirgey music. I've played football and been on a short bike ride with them, after being at work and also a two hour school governors meeting. And it's me who's in the wrong here??? To make matters worse, I did my hair colour yesterday and it's much darker than normal and I feel like a blinkin crow....

Can you discretely tell him (not in front of them) that the kids aren't enjoying the music and he's already let them down over the weekend so he needs to turn it off?

He sounds such a prick and him getting away with it yet again and making your kids evening rubbish gives me the rage!

wellhelloitsme · 20/06/2022 22:02

wellhelloitsme · 20/06/2022 13:52

Any texts he sends blaming you / trying to get into a back and forth etc just use 'noted' or 'ok' followed by short sentences as concise as possible with non emotive language. Examples:

Noted. As mentioned I'm filing for divorce and you'll receive the paperwork next week.

Ok. We'll obviously need to sit down with a neutral third party to discuss childcare and finances. I'll find a suitable mediator and send details next week.

And please do consider this - disengaging from him in response to his bullshit self victimising messages. The stupid prick.

Harrystylestutu · 20/06/2022 23:31

Does he always wear a dressing gown, or is it for a poor me show?

Have you spoken about the texts or is he just ignoring the situation? I'm so angry for you!

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/06/2022 03:03

#DRESSINGGOWNOFDOOM

Seriously, ignore him and listen to your instincts

Fraaahnces · 21/06/2022 05:31

This guy isn’t a husband or father… he’s a tumour. Getting what he needs and eating away at you.

DFOD · 21/06/2022 06:16

wellhelloitsme · 20/06/2022 22:02

And please do consider this - disengaging from him in response to his bullshit self victimising messages. The stupid prick.

Or just the 👍- each and every time.

Oestrogelsmuggler · 21/06/2022 09:42

Fraaahnces · 21/06/2022 05:31

This guy isn’t a husband or father… he’s a tumour. Getting what he needs and eating away at you.

I was thinking 'parasite', but both work.

Everyone in the family deserves better than this.

Thack · 21/06/2022 13:37

If you're in the wrong then he'll be glad to get shot of you, the poor man putting up with a well managed house. What time does he want to move out?

I like the pps suggestion. You'll need to keep the momentum, he won't make effort until it's time to attack you again. Practical cap on, make sure you have copies of documents he might take and keep your own secure (including kids passports). I doubt he's that organised but better to be safe now.

Sapphirensteel · 21/06/2022 14:08

So really you have two lovely children and a sulky teenager? Of course real teenagers grow out if the sulky , self centred stage —- I don’t think your husband ever will.

bare · 23/06/2022 20:06

How is it going, @19Bears? I hope you've managed to follow through on all your plans

19Bears · 23/06/2022 21:55

Thank you for asking @bare Well, he's off again!!! I heard him shuffling about and leave the house about 5am this morning and I knew it was too early for work. And sure enough, I got a text at 9am saying "Manchester. Back tomorrow." I've just filled in an online form with a local solicitor for a free session which will hopefully happen very soon.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/06/2022 22:08

"Dont bother. Sleep in your tent for the rest of your life for all I care, we are over"

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/06/2022 22:34

Test back: "Just stay in Manchester."

Stick to your guns and get this selfish, useless waste of space out of house and out of your and your kids' lives. You will all be so much happier.

Thack · 23/06/2022 22:37

"Is that your new forwarding address? I'll pass it onto the solicitor"

Glad to read about the session. I'll keep finger's crossed that you can speak to them soon.

KarlWrenbury · 24/06/2022 03:52

A tent? In Manchester?

Beelezebub · 24/06/2022 06:26

I don’t know how you’re not telling him to stay there

KarlWrenbury · 24/06/2022 07:02

Yeah. Come on mate. This is finally it.