Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

[19Bears]

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

Dunno how he dares say that rubbish. He has basically clocked off from parenting his own kids. Honestly, why would you stay? He brings sod all to your life. Get out before you suddenly realise your life is practically at an end and you just drifted for 20 years.

My exh did this for days in a row, on the tenth day, Which was Father’s Day, I sent him a text telling him he wasn’t welcome back and to stay where he was. Best decision I’ve ever made. He’s definitely got another woman on the go.

Sleeping away? He's made me so angry and he's not even my DH.
Ugh. I'd have thrown cold water on him

Get rid, but do it all properly. Make sure you know everything about the finances, get the ducks lined up, petition for divorce. And ignore his victim blaming, grey rock is your friend here.

By staying you’re condoning his treatment of you and also your poor dc.
You need to leave

By leave I mean dump his useless ass, not leave the family home. As pp sort out your finances etc first

Definitely start gathering financial info at the first opportunity, OP.

The first thing my ex did after I told him I wanted a divorce was to put several thousand into his sister's account, in the hope that I wouldn't notice.

Sorry I posted on the wrong thread. @admi please could you delete my previous post?

Next time he fucks off unannounced just change the locks.

He brings nothing to your family and wants to live a single life so you’re just giving him what he wants.

this absolutely.

You need to realise that you don't need him to agree with you before you end it.
You don't need to complete the arguement and finalise the discussion. He is never going to accept that he is in the wrong, and he will continue to blame you for all the things wrong in his marriage.
Abuse men always blame it on the partner, and don't accept responsibility. Is he emotionally abusive?
You don't need to have any conversation at all.

When he texts, have a one sentence reply.
long text from him: ......
your reply: The marriage is over, I want a divorce, do not return to the house.
his long reply: ......
You reply: The marriage is over, I wnat a divorce, do not return to the house.

and continue. Do not get drawn in to conversations and discussions. Do not try and justify yourself. Stick to the - marriage is over I want a divorce line. With kids practical arrangements only, ignor everything else

I honestly wouldn’t give a fuck if he blamed me. You know the truth and he does know the truth even if he wants to deny and spin another version.

you want out of the relationship, what does it matter if he says you’re choosing it not him? Yes you are choosing it - good! You should have chose it a long time ago.
The reasons why you are choosing is are not really relevant - his fault, your fault, who cares! You don’t love him, he doesn’t love you.

All this “you did this / you did that” - why? What will it do? Make you feel better? Fix the problems? You are just two people making each other miserable, it really doesn’t matter who did what.

You don’t need permission or his approval to end the relationship and you don’t need to be the “wronged” party. It’s all irrelevant- you want the relationship over. That’s all that matters.

id be saying yep - all on me mate. I take the blame, now get your shit and do one.

I have read many many of your posts. Here's the thing, even if you behaved appallingly and di something terrible, fault is not the issue. The issue is that there is no love, no respect and you are being left to parent children alone while he constantly leaves you. He has used the fact that it is "your fault" as an excuse to behave badly. But as our mother's used to say, '2 wrongs don't make a right'.

Leave and you'll all be happier.

Legally he is entitled to stay there, but it's worth a try, surely?

I think he is not brave enough to start the break up himself and really really wants you to do it.

That's why he's finding ridiculous reasons for it being your fault (such as you seeking help from a counsellor) - So he won't need to be brave and say he wants to leave!

It's the end OP, I think he wants to break up and is hoping his rubbish behaviour will make you go ahead and start the divorce proceedings.

How do you see it going OP, for the accommodation? Move on to looking at that. Can you both rent smaller places? Or if you own, sell and split the money? Buy him out? Construct a garden room and make him live in that? Make a plan and present him with that with details of a flat he could rent or buy according to the way you split your finances.

If he has his own place he won't have to run away on Sundays.

What a ridiculous thing to say.....she's clearly married to mine 😂

If you take one thing from this thread, let it be this...

So what if he 'thinks' it's your fault? IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Start telling yourself that what he thinks, or says, does NOT matter.

Once you rewire your brain to this, then he won't be able to convince you of anything anymore. You cannot live like this. You WON'T live like this. You deserve better.

Possession is 9/10 of the law if she changes the locks puts his stuff out the only way he can get back into the property realistically is by kicking off, she will respond by calling the police who will tell him to fuck off and go somewhere else to de-escalate the situation.

Bears, I remember you. Not enough time to RTFT yet, but - please remove yourself from the firing line. No good will come from a protracted discussion, & he will never agree his fault because he is the king of DARVO -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

In your head, keep repeating the mantra "I do not need his confirmation of his poor behaviour. I do not need his agreement. I do not need his permission" & ...
DISENGAGE.

When you drop the rope, the other person has no anchor to pull on.
If you need to respond (apologies this may have moved further now, & I will catch up later!) - just send something very dismissive like "whatever".

You need to abandon the notion of "getting through to him" now, & put ALL your focus into protecting 1) the DC 2) yourself & 3) your financial interest in the assets of the marriage.
The best way you can do that is with expert assistance. Lawyer up! - do you have good friends who have experienced divorce, & can recommend an experienced, rottweiler-type divorce lawyer?

Don't be ridiculous.
Why cause extra drama? Do you think OP wants her kids witnessing that?
Or third parties confirming that she acted unlawfully & unreasonably?

You are naive with your assertion that the police will take sides.
The police will know damn well that a man is allowed to break into his own property, or have a locksmith attend, if he is locked out of it.
Maybe the DH would be the one to call the cops. He's got form for making everything his wife's 'fault'.
How do you think OP would look then?

With reference to changing the locks , as it's also his house , he could break in legally.

He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds."

Wow, no @19Bears . That's not ok. It should be over.

OP, you have repeatedly posted about your marriage and how unhappy you are and how your husband regularly just disappears off for long periods without warning. You don't really like him very much and, as you say in your post here, you have a better time without him.

You have been repeatedly told that his behaviour is appalling and people have repeatedly confirmed that you are not being 'oversensitive' but you keep coming back here asking the same questions over and over again in relation to various different incidents.

You know your marriage is beyond repair. So does your husband. You are leading separate lives. Either you split up, or you go on living like this forever. Your choice. But don't be that person who constantly regales all their mates with how awful their husband is and showing them all the awful texts and detailing his terrible behaviour while doing precisely fuck-all about it. Stand on your own two feet and stop being so passive.

This.

He blames you fine whatever.

But he is punishing his children which is worse than anything you have done regarding trust for each other.