Thank you so much @Lovemypeaceandquiet for thinking of me. I'm still here, still bloody exhausted and mentally drained. There's so much else going on in my life, all I want to do is run when I can, and get through the days when I can't.
My brother's situation just gets worse, my uncle has recently had a heart attack, my mum is stressed to bits, and somehow I end up being the one running around trying to sort everyone out. When I called at my uncle's flat to get his things to take to hospital, I had to see the building manager to get his key, and I completely broke down sobbing, told her a quick version of my life story, including the home situation, and she said exactly the same as the rest of you. She was so lovely, took me to her office to sit down, and gave me a can of pop and a hug. It was exactly what I needed. I don't begrudge helping my family, but I do have two kids of my own and I don't want to always leave them last on my list when other family members don't have kids, or jobs even, but seemingly are too busy to help out. I know that sounds super moany, but honestly how am I supposed to fit all of this in?
So, the only real development to the story is that we all went to H's family's summer party a few weeks ago, it was his sister's 60th. I do love his family, they're all really good people, so I was happy to go and see them, but there was no way I was going to pretend everything was ok between me and him. To cut a long story short, his brother in law came into the kitchen and it was just the two of us, and he said, "You deserve a medal, C. I don't know how you do it. I've been here ten minutes and I've had to walk away from him." And then later when I was outside watching the kids on the trampoline, he came over again and said, "I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but I can see you're not happy, in fact we all know you're not happy, so if you have a decision to make, we will all understand." I wish someone had said this to me 15 bleedin years ago! I was quite taken aback as I presumed they all thought everything was fine, but they can see it. The only one who can't see it is him!! I would have liked to have spoken to his sister, but I ended up with a raging toothache which had been coming on for a few days, the worst pain I've had in my life, and I had no sleep for the next two nights, full of painkillers that did nothing. I felt so ill and I just wanted to get home.
Anyway, this puts the ball even more firmly in my court. Literally everyone around me understands and supports me, yet I'm still trying to find my voice. He's taken to decluttering the house this past week, and is even talking about getting a cat??!!??!! Ffs. He is absolutely blind. He got a handyman in yesterday to do a quote for a catflap, amongst other things that do need doing. As if a cat is going to fix things. He might as well have suggested having another baby ffs. Oh, and part of his decluttering involved getting rid of a silver christmas star that my youngest had stuck to the wall of the bathroom years ago. It might sound silly, but it's from his nativity play at nursery, and we always talk about it when he's in the bath, and now it's gone. I knew straight away that H had taken it off so I went and asked where it is, wondering what his response would be. "Gone," he said. I made him aware it was something special and he said "Well just put another sticker on if you must." No awareness whatsoever. Just like the cardboard castle incident. And five minutes later, "Let's get a cat."
I know I'm a lost cause and it seems I'll never take anyone's advice and rumble on forever, I get that everyone must think that. But one day I'll do it. Or I'll just conk out in a crumpled mess. But that's the update. Thank you so much for your support everyone 