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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

302 replies

19Bears · 19/06/2022 17:38

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

OP posts:
kateandme · 20/06/2022 05:27

19Bears · 20/06/2022 00:15

I sent the text at 22.45. No reply yet...

New year.just to be clear,you understand we are separating right?clarity.ending full stop.
Op I've seen your posts since last Sept trying to leave😣wwith even your council at trying to help you,solicitors,other things you tried to get in place.come on!
This is past confrontation avoiding.why are you avoiding it now.if your not afraid for your safety what are you avoiding telling him go get fucked.2 years just what I've remembered and witness too.stop your misery please.
If he has nowhere to go he will find somewhere.
What is home life like for your children.if all these posts stack up I can't imagine how they are mentally storing this.
You don't deserve to live this way.
Please please make this break.time for your life to start eh.

honestogod · 20/06/2022 05:32

What a selfish man. No, it's not normal.

olympicsrock · 20/06/2022 06:33

Well done OP. You and your children deserve better

BadNomad · 20/06/2022 06:34

OP, you've been posting about this man for a year. I don't know what advice you want, it's all already been said. He does what he likes and you let him. You say you want to end it. You don't even like him when he's around. What happened to you taking over the mortgage and getting divorced in April like you talked about months ago? You had a plan. What's stopping you?

HettySunshine · 20/06/2022 06:41

BadNomad · 20/06/2022 06:34

OP, you've been posting about this man for a year. I don't know what advice you want, it's all already been said. He does what he likes and you let him. You say you want to end it. You don't even like him when he's around. What happened to you taking over the mortgage and getting divorced in April like you talked about months ago? You had a plan. What's stopping you?

She's texted him! Rtwt.

KarlWrenbury · 20/06/2022 06:42

Ofc he’s shagging.

Isaidnoalready · 20/06/2022 06:42

19Bears · 19/06/2022 22:17

This is the text, still in my drafts...

I presume this text means you're in Leeds for the night. (Dc1) and (dc2) expected to give you their Fathers Day card and presents, I was supposed to be going to see (brother, in hospital) tonight, and nobody knew you were away today. Nothing has changed since we talked two years ago and it doesn't make any sense to carry on like this forever.

Subtle enough? Not forceful enough? I realise I don't need anyone's permission or approval to do this, but it helps to test it out here first...

Not forceful enough the last line should read I want a divorce and then go online and start the process its no fault now so you can just get on with it takes a few months and freedom

balletmuffin · 20/06/2022 06:45

You do deserve better OP. It’s good you’ve sent the text. Just don’t back down. Stay firm.

ToadiesCouzin · 20/06/2022 06:47

There is absolutely no way that I'd be happy if my husband opted out of parenting on a regular basis without a discussion first. I don't think Father's Day is the issue, it's an issue that he thinks it's OK to do this at all. Having kid free, any time, at a least warrants a conversation to check it's OK with you first. And as you've mentioned, sometimes it's not OK because you have things you want/need to do. He sounds like a arsehole.

BadNomad · 20/06/2022 06:54

HettySunshine · 20/06/2022 06:41

She's texted him! Rtwt.

She text him last time too. And the time before that. She's been having this conversation with him for 3 years.

Lougle · 20/06/2022 06:59

I'm so sorry. That's not good. Are your children ok?

GetThatHelmetOn · 20/06/2022 06:59

endofthelinefinally · 20/06/2022 04:11

Dont contact him. Get your ducks in a row by collecting all the financial documents you need prior to divorce. Then proceed to the divorce process via legal advice.
There is plenty of information on this board. Just read some of the other threads.

This.

Stop trying to reason with him, it sucks out all your strength, which you need to prepare your exit.

Teacupsandtoast · 20/06/2022 07:09

YABU for not leaving him when he came home from his mother's with a thunderbirds model....

Need2P · 20/06/2022 07:32

He already checked out of your marriage. Time for you to move on. Your children need stability and a good role model, letting him treat you like crap it's not.

19Bears · 20/06/2022 07:34

I knew it would be my fault.....

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced
OP posts:
newbiename · 20/06/2022 07:37

What a dick. I'd say
'Ok , I still want you to leave '
Grey rock him.

RockinHorseShit · 20/06/2022 07:38

WTAF Confused

No you are not over reacting, you are actually way too tolerant of shitty behaviour.

Never mind the Father's Day crap, which is pretty disgusting, the just texting to say he's ducking out to do his own thing without arranging it with you is a man who is still single & child & responsibility free in his head, he is not your partner, but an arsehole who comes along for the ride as & when it suits him. You & your DCs deserve way better

Rewis · 20/06/2022 07:38

What is the backstory on his message?

TolkiensFallow · 20/06/2022 07:38

Just end it OP. You’re both done.

Boscoforever · 20/06/2022 07:39

Just say, if that's what you think, fine. But I am starting proceedings to divorce.

Quartz2208 · 20/06/2022 07:39

I agree you simply need to grey rock all of this and be straight and simply to the point that it is over and how that works needs to be discussed

Oncemoreuntothebreachagain · 20/06/2022 07:41

I think a simple “Don’t bother coming back” would be my response. He clearly doesn’t want to be with you all to the point he physically can’t be in the same house.
what a dick.

11Hawkins · 20/06/2022 07:41

Op, please change the locks and put his stuff outside.

You can do so much better.

Beefcurtains79 · 20/06/2022 07:42

So he’s angry with you but decided to punish the kids? What a nasty selfish twat. I’d call a solicitor at 09.00am.

BackToTheTop · 20/06/2022 07:43

Just text back 'left'

Then bag his stuff up and leave it in the hallway.

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