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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

302 replies

19Bears · 19/06/2022 17:38

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 19/06/2022 20:51

Wow. I’ve read your other threads.

@19Bears have you filed for divorce yet? This man is an unbelievably selfish half wit, a terrible father and a total joke.

daisyjgrey · 19/06/2022 21:08

Why are you still giving this man energy?

You know it's not normal, umpteen people have told you it's not normal on previous threads. Stop being a push over and fuck him off.

19Bears · 19/06/2022 21:12

Fear of confrontation is what stops me. Nothing else. It used to be fear of how the kids would react, but now I think they'd be relieved. Also the guilt of knowing he's got nowhere to go. No family within three hundred miles, and no friends. I just don't want to deal with any of it, but I know I have to. The first episode of that new series from Romesh Ranganathan got me thinking 'shit, this is me.' Never thought I'd say that!

OP posts:
Lhiurvhcf · 19/06/2022 21:16

Sounds like he's off for a fix...history of drugs?

19Bears · 19/06/2022 21:21

Honestly @Lhiurvhcf no sex, no drugs, just rock and roll. It's almost funny. He's just incompetent and emotionally blind.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 19/06/2022 21:22

I think what's really awful about this is that he is making an awful arse of his life, but more than that, he's making an awful arse of your life too.

The one word text alone would be a deal breaker for me. Have some respect for yourself woman.

Renniesfixeverything · 19/06/2022 21:35

19Bears · 19/06/2022 21:12

Fear of confrontation is what stops me. Nothing else. It used to be fear of how the kids would react, but now I think they'd be relieved. Also the guilt of knowing he's got nowhere to go. No family within three hundred miles, and no friends. I just don't want to deal with any of it, but I know I have to. The first episode of that new series from Romesh Ranganathan got me thinking 'shit, this is me.' Never thought I'd say that!

The initial upset and consequent sorting out of somewhere for him to live would be fairly short-lived though wouldn't they? Weighed against potentially years more of this is it not better to just get it out of the way? Chances are you're going to end up having to at some point, surely better now than in 5 or 10 years time having wasted even more of your life waiting for him to grow up? You don't necessarily have to press send on that message, it might be better to get some ducks in a row behind the scenes before you tell him. But decide what that first step needs to be and then do it, the next steps will get easier once you get started Flowers

19Bears · 19/06/2022 22:17

This is the text, still in my drafts...

I presume this text means you're in Leeds for the night. (Dc1) and (dc2) expected to give you their Fathers Day card and presents, I was supposed to be going to see (brother, in hospital) tonight, and nobody knew you were away today. Nothing has changed since we talked two years ago and it doesn't make any sense to carry on like this forever.

Subtle enough? Not forceful enough? I realise I don't need anyone's permission or approval to do this, but it helps to test it out here first...

OP posts:
Notbeinfunnehbut · 19/06/2022 22:19

It’s a great start but you need to end it with more clarity

e.g when you return we will start sorting out seperating. be really clear but unemotional

Maunderingdrunkenly · 19/06/2022 22:21

Word it this way.

I want a divorce. I don’t love you any more. Nothing has changed since we talked two years ago and it doesn't make any sense to carry on like this forever.

In addition, I presume your last text means you're in Leeds for the night. (Dc1) and (dc2) expected to give you their Fathers Day card and presents, I was supposed to be going to see (brother, in hospital) tonight, and nobody knew you were away today.

goody2shooz · 19/06/2022 22:22

Not clear enough. How about, ‘We’ve had enough of your utter selfishness. Stay in Leeds, I’m filing for divorce.’
? Stop being so soft with him, your children are watching you treated like a bathmat. ( Sorry but a door mat would be rougher)

butterflied · 19/06/2022 22:24

Too vague at the end. If you want to split say it.

billy1966 · 19/06/2022 22:25

OP,

How on earth can you allow your children be treated this way?

Unbelievable.

Your poor children.

The text to send is.

Don't come back. It's over.

Keep your key in the door.

I don't know how you could allow your children be around that.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/06/2022 22:28

< Dreams of texting DH New York or Barcelona.>

Sorry

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2022 22:30

You can't pussyfoot around divorce. And you don't have to explain yourself to him. It actually doesn't matter why you're ending it. It takes two people's consent to start a relationship and only one's to end it.

It's now time for cold hard facts.

I assume this text means you're in Leeds tonight. The kids will be sad they won't see you for cards on Father's Day. As for me, I'm ending it with you. Please let me know how you would like to proceed with sharing the caring responsibilities for the children in the interim.

pastabest · 19/06/2022 22:32

What's the point in going into detail? If he cared enough about any of that enough to feel guilty then he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Either reply in kind with 'divorce' or 'don't come back' or don't reply at all.

SunnyShiner · 19/06/2022 22:33

Oh that's just not okay.

You'll be better off without him

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 19/06/2022 22:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2022 22:30

You can't pussyfoot around divorce. And you don't have to explain yourself to him. It actually doesn't matter why you're ending it. It takes two people's consent to start a relationship and only one's to end it.

It's now time for cold hard facts.

I assume this text means you're in Leeds tonight. The kids will be sad they won't see you for cards on Father's Day. As for me, I'm ending it with you. Please let me know how you would like to proceed with sharing the caring responsibilities for the children in the interim.

This

I don’t know why you want to subtle with a selfish dickhead who treats you and the kids like you’re nothing.

RandomMess · 19/06/2022 22:42

I'd end it with telling him not to come back and that his EOW with DC starts this Friday with him collecting from school and dropping them back there on Monday.

comfortablyfrumpy · 19/06/2022 22:43

As others have said, your text needs to be clearer... how about :-

I presume this text means you're in Leeds for the night. (Dc1) and (dc2) expected to give you their Fathers Day card and presents, I was supposed to be going to see (brother, in hospital) tonight, and nobody knew you were away today. Nothing has changed since we talked two years ago and your behaviour and attitude

towards the children and I is unacceptable.

I am applying for a divorce. We will need to discuss arrangements for the children. They and I deserve better.

WashMeThroughly · 19/06/2022 22:45

RandomMess · 19/06/2022 22:42

I'd end it with telling him not to come back and that his EOW with DC starts this Friday with him collecting from school and dropping them back there on Monday.

Using the children as a weapon is never going to work out well.

OP, if you want to separate, make it very clear. But are you content to let him have the children unattended, given that he seems to be severely lacking? In your situation, I'd think very carefully about how to proceed.

Redcar87 · 19/06/2022 22:52

"Guilt he has nowhere to go".

He seems to have plenty of places to go. And he goes to them often without you or the DC. He is not your responsibility. He's a grown man with his own life. You are never ever going to change him. The only thing you can change is your own actions. You do not have to live with him. Don't worry about confrontation. You don't have to do that either. If he shouts walk out the room. If he threatens you- call the police. He doesn't get to decide how this goes. See a lawyer. File for divorce. If he won't leave the house in the meantime then sleep on the sofa and keep busy. Imagine a life without him in it, its possible.

Ottersmith · 19/06/2022 22:53

You just need to bite the bullet and tell him to leave. Nothing will solve this except him leaving.

Redcar87 · 19/06/2022 22:55

If you send him the divorce text then you need to be on the phone to solicitors first thing tomorrow morning

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 19/06/2022 22:56

Yeah, second what @Redcar87 said too - he’s got no issues with finding places to go, don’t you worry. Kindly, you should not give a single fuck about what he’s going to do.

Think about how much more disappointment like today your kids can handle.

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