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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

302 replies

19Bears · 19/06/2022 17:38

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

OP posts:
Amid · 19/06/2022 23:01

Honestly, get rid of him. What an arsehole.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2022 23:05

Fear of confrontation is what stops me. Nothing else.

I say this gently, but pull your thumb out and embrace the confrontation. You have been a mug for far too long, and it's time to make massive changes.

Text that useless arsehole right now and inform him you will be filing for divorce as soon as humanly possible. Good grief, get rid of him already.

BobLemon · 19/06/2022 23:22

He gave up being your husband years ago and you’ve been tolerating that. Now that he’s given up being a father, what really is the point of him??

Manova14 · 19/06/2022 23:37

OP I've read your other posts. Every time, you're checking "is it ok to be annoyed by this?" Clearly you are.
I think your text should be more direct. Don't open up a discussion about change. I would text: "This is the last straw. You're not coming back in this house."

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/06/2022 23:58

I have to agree that you need to be more direct.

"Your selfishness is not acceptable. I have reached the end of the line, I will not tolerate being treated like shit anymore, or the children being treated like they dont matter. I am glad you have somewhere to stay as you wont be staying here anymore. You had your chance 2 years ago and you blew it, nothing has changed, you have clearly made your choice that you want to live the single life, so I am giving it to you. Enjoy"

LittleLegs0508 · 20/06/2022 00:06

Send the text & get rid, he's obvs a waste of space, how rude!!!!

Zerrin13 · 20/06/2022 00:13

I sense that you are using lack of confidence and fear of confrontation as an excuse to just stay where you are.
You don't like his behaviour, you know its a crap marriage but you want to stay none the less. Its your decision.

19Bears · 20/06/2022 00:15

I sent the text at 22.45. No reply yet...

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2022 00:17

19Bears · 20/06/2022 00:15

I sent the text at 22.45. No reply yet...

Make sure you don't fall for any nonsense.

lamaze1 · 20/06/2022 00:21

As others have said you're absolutely not unreasonable. Don't be manipulated into feeling guilty / responsible for him. HE has caused this with his behaviour and choices. Good luck!

Itstimetoquit · 20/06/2022 00:24

Are you sure there isn't another women? You deserve so much better,kick his ass out he can get the bus to parents/friends xx

AncrenneWisse · 20/06/2022 00:26

Not okay on Father’s Day or any day.

TheCatterall · 20/06/2022 02:16

@19Bears stay strong. Is he likely to come up with apologies and ‘I’ll try harder’ etc? What do you want to happen realistically? I men how many chances do you give someone? I’d make a list of what you want to happen and rough timelines. Separation.. whatever. Don’t leave anything wishy washy. squishes. X

Booklover3 · 20/06/2022 02:22

Bin him.

My parents offered to have our children last night to give us a break. We really, really need a break but said no. We said no because our kids would’ve been really upset not to have woken up at home this morning to spoil their daddy. That’s what you do when your a parent. You consider you children's feelings.

He sounds like a waste of space. It doesn’t sound like he cares at all. Sorry. I think you are better off without him.

Ohdofuckofdear · 20/06/2022 03:16

Bloody hell what a bell end!

No wonder you've had enough,now keep that anger and start putting yourself and your DC first and try not worry about him because he is not worrying about any of you!

coffy11 · 20/06/2022 03:46

Good on you for ending it

Onthemaintrunkline · 20/06/2022 04:00

I’ve never heard anything like this behaviour. He comes across as totally disconnected from his family. This is singleton carry-on. What a self centred creton he sounds.

SuziSecondLaw · 20/06/2022 04:04

I really hope you're strong enough to stand by what you've said. Don't let him convince you to try again. He will never change because he quite obviously doesn't care about you.. Or his kids by the sounds of things.

You'll all be better off without him.

endofthelinefinally · 20/06/2022 04:11

Dont contact him. Get your ducks in a row by collecting all the financial documents you need prior to divorce. Then proceed to the divorce process via legal advice.
There is plenty of information on this board. Just read some of the other threads.

Fraaahnces · 20/06/2022 04:39

“Don’t come back. I will leave it up to CMS to locate you. The kids and I don’t miss you when you’re gone.”

Bobinov · 20/06/2022 05:04

Goes without saying he’s useless and clearly either unaware of how you feel or unprepared to change. Although from a man’s perspective if he’s routinely doing this and going to festivals and gigs and staying away without you or anyone you know it’s likely he’s cheating on you.

Now for the tough love bit - GET OFF OF MUMSNET COMPLAINING AND PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN! This man doesn’t care about you or them and you are complicit in his attitude if you don’t address it. He’s got two options, stop going to gigs alone and going out without telling you where he’s going or break up. He sounds more like a lodger than a dad.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 20/06/2022 05:13

Any news op?

RustyShackleford3 · 20/06/2022 05:14

He sounds like an absolute wanker, and from your updates it sounds as if you've waited plenty long enough for him to pull his socks up and try and make it right. He clearly doesn't give a fuck.

I'd be speaking to a lawyer on Monday. You and your children deserve better than this.

Eviebeans · 20/06/2022 05:16

It helps to sit down and think what is in this relationship for me? What do I get out of it? Be completely focused on you when answering.
The answer shouldn't be I can't end it because of the kids or he has nowhere to go or I don't think I could manage on my own. (you can)
The list should include things like feeling loved, valued, cared for ...

Eviebeans · 20/06/2022 05:17

Fraaahnces · 20/06/2022 04:39

“Don’t come back. I will leave it up to CMS to locate you. The kids and I don’t miss you when you’re gone.”

This text works really well.

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