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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

302 replies

19Bears · 19/06/2022 17:38

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 20/06/2022 07:45

Don't get into text discussions. Tell him it's over and focus 100% on you and DC. He doesn't deserve your sympathy or help.

HappyCup · 20/06/2022 07:47

Oohhhh my goodness I’ve just seen your previous threads. OP if you’ve still not broken things off properly by now then you need to seek help to allow you to do so.

Pollydonia · 20/06/2022 07:49

Just tell him it's over. You dont need his permission.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 20/06/2022 07:55

Glad we are in agreement then.
Your stuff is in the garden.

DFOD · 20/06/2022 07:55

ChampagneLassie · 20/06/2022 07:45

Don't get into text discussions. Tell him it's over and focus 100% on you and DC. He doesn't deserve your sympathy or help.

This.

No need for confrontation.

Just decide you are incompatible.

No need to argue, defend, shout, rage blame and shame.

Just that it’s done and the most productive thing is to separate your lives in the most emotionally comfortable way for you and your DCs.

Do you have a list of actions to make this happen? Make one call / take one action today to get the ball rolling.

Your DCs need you 100% focused on them as they don’t have two engaged parents so you can’t be preoccupied with him and the resentment and frustration of this dead relationship.

If he needs to finger point and lob the “its all your fault, you brought it on yourself” to feel better about leaving - then let him “have” that.

I hope that you will find a sense of release and peace once you have emotionally detached in your head and committed to moving on to a better place.

SingleMomIreland · 20/06/2022 07:58

I'd simply text back 'Divorced'.

Redcar87 · 20/06/2022 07:58

That text from him is the start of a long text argument about who did what when. Long emotional conversation which will result in him coming home.

Do not let this happen. Don't write back. Pack his bags. Call a solicitor. You don't have anything else to say to him. From this morning forward you are no longer together. Free yourself. Please don't write back another long message defending this and that. There is no point. You are done. Just be done.

RustyShackleford3 · 20/06/2022 08:00

For God's sake, don't reply to that text. Please just completely ignore him.

I wouldn't be communicating with him at all from now on, unless it's something concerning the children or some kind of practical necessity. Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling on the divorce. It sounds like it can't come soon enough!

user1471462428 · 20/06/2022 08:01

God what a way to live both of your lives.

Nothappyatwork · 20/06/2022 08:02

You do realise he’s already dumping you at this point so you know longer have any choice in this matter in what conclusion this reaches …. just how long it goes on and how much you have to emotionally suffer, honestly just pull the plug, put his shit in bags outside the front door and don’t engage.

Bigbird50 · 20/06/2022 08:03

Your poor DC growing up in this non marriage with a father who just takes off as and when he feels like it . He doesn’t care about any of you . You may say you have a better time without him - well make a decisions to make that permanent. That must be upsetting for your DC who made an effort on Father’s Day yet he has disappeared . Your marriage is over - why can’t you make a decision about your future?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/06/2022 08:03

You know what you need to do. He’s just trying to gas light you into thinking everything is your fault so you will STFU and carry on. But don’t. Don’t let him browbeat you again and continue to emotionally abuse you.
just text back…I’m done. I want a divorce.

DFOD · 20/06/2022 08:03

Stop trying to reason with him, it sucks out all your strength, which you need to prepare your exit.

This is really important.

Also if you are “stuck” and have come close to the end before as PP are suggesting maybe have some self compassion to accept that this is a tough place to be in and that you are inching along that diving board and each action is a little inch in the right direction including posting here and sending him a text…..and one day soon you will jump.

You are under nobodies timescales apart from what works for you and your DCs.

However you need to step out of the guilt about what happens to him because it is not reciprocated in his actions to you and his children.

Focus on them having a calm and 100% content and engaged Mum.

Tryhard40 · 20/06/2022 08:03

What a loser - not rtft but I hope you are going to dump him?

Zonder · 20/06/2022 08:13

It sounds like maybe you have done stuff that hasn't helped the relationship but clearly so has he and his behaviour yesterday was really bad. Definitely time to end it if he can't even speak to you before buggering off and leaving his kids on Father's Day.

Tryhard40 · 20/06/2022 08:16

Gosh, just quickly read a couple of your other threads.

He deliberately walked out in May at the last minute without telling you when you had a weekend away planned that he knew about. You did nothing. Where is your anger?

You need to seriously grow a backbone love.

RandomMess · 20/06/2022 08:17

So he has decided the relationship is already over he just hadn't bothered to tell you.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 08:19

19Bears · 20/06/2022 07:34

I knew it would be my fault.....

Op I wouldn't agree or apologise or argue
Just confirm fine. Then that's where we are. How long do you do you need to find somewhere else given I've got the kids

SingleMomIreland · 20/06/2022 08:20

Take it from someone that has left a relationship, and took over a year to do so. Once you've said the words it's over, it becomes real and so much easier to live with. You know you have to start making a new life and getting things in order.

Call a solicitor this morning and get the ball rolling. Once you've done that, you are less likely to be guilt tripped into him coming home.
Also tell your DC what is happening and why, but let them know you will always be there for them. You don't need him making up stories to tell them

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/06/2022 08:22

RandomMess · 20/06/2022 08:17

So he has decided the relationship is already over he just hadn't bothered to tell you.

This then will say you ended it.. play the victim..

Tbh.. none of this matters.. time to move forward solicitors appointment is needed next.

Onlinetherapist · 20/06/2022 08:24

You and the children are worthy only of a one word text by way of explanation for yet another absence from family life? On Fathers Day of all days?

KevinTheAnt · 20/06/2022 08:31

What do you get out of this relationship OP? What is it you're afraid of losing if you split up?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 20/06/2022 08:33

Could he have been spending it with a dc he has elsewhere?

namechangedembarrassing · 20/06/2022 08:33

I’ve read your other threads and it’s utterly depressing.
do you want to spend the rest of your years living as a shadow in your own life?
do you want your children to think being in a miserable relationship forever is normal?
it’s time to grab hold of your life and I honestly think (from childhood experience) staying together for the sake of the children is not good for them.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/06/2022 08:34

You don't need to see a solicitor - you can get the ball rolling to start divorce online. Then you'll know you've taken a concrete step. Imagine how good that will feel.