Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Stepcount Sorry I didn't see your reply when I was replying to Shay yesterday and didn't get back on last night as I've been out with a new women only group I've joined, it was a full moon so we went to the beach and did mindfulness and some swam in the sea. Really cathartic and I felt quite emotional.

Mr K was the one who said shall we just go our seperate ways/would it be best to split? I said Yes, my logic was that for him to even suggest it meant he wanted it but couldn't say it himself.
He did similar in October when we had a chat but it was more of a hint than a direct statement,its his go to thought when we have deep conversations and if we get back together it's something that needs addressing.

I think it could be a power thing bit I also know he likes to take time to consider things. Part of me wonders whether he is keeping me hanging until I walk away and that avoids the chat completely.

I think Mr K had been so hurt in his previous relationship and before that his marriage that he didn't ever want a relationship or living together but as time has gone on he's changed his mind as his life has improved and he has realised that is what he wants, I assume he was hoping this would be with me due to the hint dropping that has happened over the last few months. I don't think he threw it in there as part of the reason to split but more it's at the forefront of his mind due to him buying a house rather than renting.

I've got a list of questions written down and some of them are around time together etc.
Right now I don't even know if I want to get back together but I do know I'd like a chat about things and to ask questions about his vision for the future and also whether he can meet my needs now and once I know his answers (and presumably he has questions and things to say) we can then decide where we go from here.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I've done a lot of work in therapy and feel I've come so far, I do regret not asking her for an appointment before I chatted with Mr K.
When I had regular appointments and I ever felt that maybe Mr K and I would be better off apart we'd discuss it rationally and I'd be all calm and ok with things. She also knew that I want to self sabotage so was good at keeping me on the straight and narrow. If I'd spoken to her I wouldn't have been so uptight and the chat with Mr K would likely have ended very differently.

I panicked when he suggested splitting and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me.
I should have said No and we could have chatted more.

We need to practice better ways of communication which is hard when crap communication is all you've known. I'm much better but Mr K has work to do on that. Plus he sees me raising an issue as a criticism/failure and he goes on the defensive.
If he can't work on his issues then what's the point in being together....

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow Sounds like we're both in a bit of limbo, god relationships are hard sometimes.

I hope you've replied to Ms H now and you're happy with whatever you decided.

I need all your advise again. I told you I was rubbish at this. So if a man texts and said “I bet you’ll look stunning in that dress” what do you reply?
iRL I would laugh it off but I know that’s wrong too? It makes me so uncomfortable we haven’t met so ..
do I just say thank you (makes me cringe!!!) help!

A friend of mine said about MrM, how utterly irritating it is when you're the only one interested in working on issues - she was not a fan of MrM I think it's fair to say - because she thought he should just grow up and sort himself out rather than resting on the old 'I don't do emotions/can't be vulnerable/it's just the way I am' laurels, aged 53. If we can face the very painful realisations we are having about the impact a lifetime of bad communication/bad relationships/bad parenting, it's not fair if the other person refuses to do so.

No matter what the outcome, I hope you have a fruitful discussion and a peaceful weekend.

@bluetatoo what dress? Has he seen a dress online and is saying you'd look good in it? To be honest it's a bit cringe, I wouldn't like it if someone said that to me... I'd probably find a way of saying 'how would you know, as we haven't met face to face yet' in a lighthearted way and see how he reacts to that. I try to put all comments like that back in the box prior to meeting as it smacks of fantasising/talking things up without any substance, and rarely ends well.

@SortingItOut @ibelieveinmirrorballs
yes i have replied, I want a f2f talk not a call & have a idea of issues to discuss, including but not limited to, time together, what are any post September arrangements going to look like and a few other bits

and I have another date with ms no show lined up as well, not too bad for a fat old man…😀

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yeah thank that’s my gut feeling too.
basically that I’m going to event and said I was happy my dress arrived. Just for something to say really very boring day 😂
Thanks for your advise!!

Had a date zero Sunday and looks like we are going out for drinks and food on Sunday again. He seems really nice bit cheeky in a funny way, he's mentioned he has the odd counselling session to improve himself which I think is a good thing, need to find out more. He has an 8 year old which I usually prefer kids to be older but can't have everything, sees him regularly and is a good dad, split up in March and I'm his first date apparently, last relationship was 1 year , seems promising 🤞 trying to stay calm and not jump into bed with this one, maybe lol I'll call him Mr Cheeky.

bluetatoo
I’d say ‘ok 😂’

not everyone is a genuinely good at messaging
i met one guys who was totally sweet
but some of his messages were odd
and he had ‘no drama’ on profile

if he’s an ok communicator in general
if not
bin

@SortingItOut no need to apologise for missing my post. Your evening sounds wonderful, I think I should look for something similar- minus the beach sadly in the land locked Midlands!
It sounds like you have worked through the horrible initial feelings that happen when things go pear shaped. I think whatever is the outcome of your chat, slipping back into the same pattern you had is probably not going to be good or enough for either of you. Try to get in with the questions first so he is explaining what he wants/ how he sees things going forward and then you can respond.

@Thisisworsethananticpated 🙏🙏
I went with that. 😂😂
hes ok normally and can be funny which is my main thing. But messaging for just over a week about absolutely nothing so guess it’s time to ask to see me now ish? Although I have no time!
its not an easy game this is it! 😂

SortingItOut

i agree with stepcount 100%
its ever so easy to dish out advice too

when you speak , rather than starting with your questions maybe have him speak and listen to start with
that might provide a good basis for your then questions ?

in fact take them on paper and pop for a loo edit break !
as not everyone communicates the same

your women groups sounds totally lovely and I’m so jealous sea dwellers

@ButterflyOfShay 💖💖

@SortingItOut really love the sound of the new ladies’ group. Hope you're ok today… anything from him?? X

@bluetatoo I just wouldn’t even respond to that comment, at best it’s creepy (ie you’ve never even clapped eyes on each other) not even worth any reply!

Woop woop got them all lining up @HowlongWillThisTakeNow 😅 what is it they say, ‘don’t hate the playa’…… 😏

I’m going sea swimming next sat… can’t wait 🌊😍

ButterflyOfShay

despite his protestations HowlongWillThisTakeNow
is getting the laydeeees

managed a night out Alcohol free
I’ve never done that before !!!!

@ButterflyOfShay im glad it’s not just me who thought it’s a bit odd. I seem to attract them 😂

@ButterflyOfShay and I have got a P800 refund, living the dream!

I’m from the coast, not sure I would like to go sea swimming

@Thisisworsethananticpated 👏👏🥇🥛

How you feeling mentally for the no booze?? 🙂

One thing’s for certain OLD is never short of creeps hey 😣

That is fantastic! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼How was it??