Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@LuckyLinda3 Mr K did this once before when I met his friends and when we discussed it the next day he admitted that he forgot I didn't know them very well (he's been friends with all his friends over 25yrs) and just acted how he normally would, he thought I would just join the conversation as I'm so outgoing but actually it felt awkward at times.

He was much better the second time.

Too be fair I'm a little bit guilty of this too, and leave him to his own devices if we go out with only people I know.

Just speak to him and ask him to bear in mind that they are his friends and he should include you in the conversation as you don't know them.

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks for your honesty! I'm not jealous normally but he is very close to his colleagues. I'm not suggesting that is a bad thing but it can be awkward at times. We did talk after the last night and I said I wouldn't allow myself to be put in that position again so fingers crossed.

@SortingItOut thanks. I'm naturally quiet and he is much more outgoing as are his work friends. We have talked and he has reassured me all will be fine so all I can do is see how it goes.

Yeah and they work in the nhs so a tough and probably bonding context

and I’m really really (psycho ) jealous

im Considering asking my iron to stop using the term ‘my ex’ and refer to ‘the kids mum’

as an example 🤣

I’ve been lurking quietly. The fact is that I started chatting with an iron around 9th July. It’s been super intense afterwards re communication which is not what I normally do. It’s a tough one as he had separation before Covid and had horrendous time so he’s ultra protective of his life now. He has a huge wall built around him so I’m not sure there’s possibilities to even meet. So it’s all quite slow. We are in different parts of the world now on holidays with our respective brood. I’ve been very open and let my barrier down with him. I feel I have 0 to lose if we don’t progress. But I like him a lot. Polar opposites though. I will call him Mr Wall. He’s totally my type but we’ll see

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I think Ms H certainly wants the opportunity to reconnect. She has reached out a couple of times now. Obviously it's up to you how you react but in my opinion a healthy relationship is one in which hurdles and issues are able to be talked about and addressed. If she can see, understand and explain what happened at the wedding then that would be good, as would an open conversation about how things would preferably be if you continue to see each other. Now that I am in a relationship where there is no toxicity or game playing it's a clear as day to me that complicated communication and mixed messages are never the basis for something meaningful.

@SortingItOut have you and Mr K managed to have your chat yet ? how are you feeling now ?

Mila14

it’s nice you like someone
whatever happens !
make sure his texts make you smile 😊

Yes I like her, I like her a lot actually

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

i said this before , but her behaviour is kind of the crazy shit I would do
bar for the flirting (but what you call
flirting and I call flirting might differ )

well , the ball is in your court

bargain those boundaries hard my friend !
im pleased for you

@Stepcount No chat yet☹️
I reached out on Monday and he said he's not ready to talk as he's not had time to think (he had his son all weekend and Monday evening) and I know he does like time and space to consider big decisions.
Other messages sounded like a brush off (concerns about future) so I put my cards on the table and told him I want to discuss what and how he sees living together.
He says he will contact me later in the week so we'll wait and see.

I'm feeling rather flat about it all and swaying between just letting him go or meeting for the chat.

SortingItOut
at this stage you have nothing to lose by being 100% open and honest
I find the male tendency to go into a man cave to think very cliched , but also very true and very annoying

but maybe you need some thinking time too …..before you speak too ?
what’s worked ?
what hasn’t worked ?
what would need to change if you moved forward ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated Thanks for commenting.
You'll be pleased to know I've got a list of questions ready for when we do chat broken down in to future plans and current in the hope that we can discuss our relationship going forward and what the future (living together) looks like from his point of view so we can then see if we should even try again.

@LuckyLinda3 I’d be feeling same as you, apprehensive to be fair, do you drink? If I was drinking (out if nerves) then got jealous/insecure it could be a recipe for disaster.. if he’s a decent sort though he’ll be considerate to you and will all be ok?

good luck @HowlongWillThisTakeNow it’s good she’s apologising, you deserved to get one!!

@SortingItOut poor you it must be feeling really crappy 😔 stuck in limbo land… do you think it was a bit hasty parting ways like that? You had seemed to be getting on so well in recent months, meeting his people and everything x

@SortingItOut I feel for you as I would be keen for the conversation to happen so that you know where you are at. Which one of you said in the original meeting ‘ okay let’s call it a day then’ ? If it was you then he might be deferring on the chat to reclaim some of the power with things.
Do you think he has always been compromising on the future and the difference in what he now says he would want ( living together eventually) ? Or was it a convenient excuse in the heat of the discussion because he knows you have always said you didn’t want that ?
I think before the conversation happens you need to think clearly about what are some of the things that you definitely want from a relationship and whether Mr K has been offering them to you. Do you see him enough? Does he prioritise time together when he’s free? Is there sexual compatibility? Is he good company and brings out the best in you? Whatever the criteria are be honest with yourself about why things hit this stumbling block and are you both committed to getting back on track?

@ButterflyOfShay Definitely jumped to parting ways too soon, its easier for us both as emotionally unavailable people to chuck in the towel rather than have conversations which might reveal feelings and thereby leaving us feeling vulnerable.

If we had discussed it like proper adults I doubt we would have split.

It's nearly been a week and I'm over the breakup (as in not teary or feeling nauseous) so I'm prepared for him to want to just walk away.
I'll be gutted but life carries on.

@SortingItOut 💗💗 cruel to leave you just hanging like this even if he is busy. Hugs xx

Hopefully so @ButterflyOfShay !

TBH, I have never been in this position before, normally things end kinda mutually for me and that’s that really, I’ve never had someone I like reach out before, I feel my man cave calling me as I don’t know what to do, it’s all new ground to me, I can’t think of a Monty Python sketch to hide my true feelings behind ( which is generally what I do), I did manage to work a Blue Peter line into a call at work today, so that was pretty funny.

@SortingItOut i think I sorta know how you feel a bit.

but you can always trust Father Ted for a joke, small or far away , is he talking about my penis again

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow well why don’t you see what Ms H has to say and then decide if what she’s offering is what you want. Does the incident at the wedding feel like the first time she’s made you feel uncomfortable and unsure of her ? Until you hear what she has to say you can’t make a decision- and if you had already decided it was a hard no then you would have told her or been dismissive of it when you share it on here.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

how is that man cave
tell us all
whats it like in there ? !

Hello all
Loving the updates. I've learnt alot on here. Also learnt am happy with my own company and like to keep the irons slightly near the fire...but not red hot. When one starts texting too much insisting on a meet up I get crowded, anxious. Mr farmer is keen, too keen, that's off putting. Damn! The ones I pursue just aren't looking for a ltr, the ones I'm not fussed with end up.chasing me and I back off.... pffff

there have been a few minor things along the way, but I’m sure she would say the same.
the wedding was the 1st time I really looked at her with different eyes and thought I don’t want this, which is hard for me as I try to put a positive spin on everything, I’m a really half glass full person, oh well ho hum.
Cup of tea and slice of cake time, I owe ms H a reply, ..

Mine is great, Pink Floyd on repeat, industrialist furniture, posters of cool Guzzi’s and Moto Morinis from the 70’s, you would hate it,

no one can touch you in there, it’s a mental retreat , but it’s also a waste of space as the problems you left at the door are there when you leave.

Did you reply to her @HowlongWillThisTakeNow ? I understand the draw of man caves (well, kinda sorta ) but it sounds to me as though this is emotionally challenging for you but perhaps a good thing to be coaxed a little into talking about things. I think her behaviour at the wedding was off but it's interesting that she has come back and apologised... she obviously thinks there is something worth salvaging here - time to lay your cards on the table about how you feel maybe?

@SortingItOut I'm glad you're feeling physically over the break up and hope you get to talk to Mr K soon. I think others on this thread have raised some good thoughts/questions on it; it's so hard to recover from this kind of thing but at the same time very difficult to throw 3 years aways with someone that clearly on many levels works well for you both. I think the mutual emotional unavailability is very difficult to work with long term unless you're both on the same page in terms of addressing it and trying to work with it/through it. I would be terrified following this, if there was a reconciliation, that any further times I raised an issue over the way a weekend had panned out, that I'd be faced with the same 'let's end it then' stand off. It's naive of him to think that living together healthily is an option if when a problem arises, this is the response. Long term he'd need to be able to address challenges and face them head on. Really hope the chat goes well if you're able to have it towards the end of this week.