Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I totally get your instinct to want to burrow away from reality when you go round to Balkan's - he's your respite. I know you know this 😬but it does seem like repeatedly papering over the cracks with him though - and now you've told him you have feelings, and now glided on as though nothing has happened with him... it is sending a little message to your self-esteem that the short term dopamine hit of him is more important than the longer term safety/calmness of the inner you.

I hope you know I only say this as I recognise the same behaviour in myself, am still tempted by my own little dopamine hit-ster, MrM. As a good friend tries to say to me repeatedly, this is 'old behaviour', to go back for more with an emotionally unfulfilling connection. It's replaying the same old same old 'tries to be soothed and get emotional needs met, is disappointed' pattern of yore.

How long till your DC leave for the summer? Do you have some nice plans in place for yourself?

Wow one of the two guys I was planning to meet up with blocked me yesterday evening. We had a bit of sexting a week a go and made a plan to meet tomorrow. So this is proceeded by no contact for 5 days from each other. Then I message him where to meet etc and he messaged back to say he's been really busy and then immediately blocked me.

I am meeting someone else next week so its no skin off my nose but to me its a lot to block someone and not just say don't want to meet anymore.

I imagine it's just what every guy does as soon as he's either not interested or had some flirty or sexy messages to wank over. But still, I was genuinely like 'when you want to hook up if you still do?'. 🤷

I mean surely just say, nah don't fancy meeting anymore...job done 🤷 instead block on all channels like I'm some crazy ex girlfriend 😂. Some men have a very high opinion of themselves don't they!

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've felt the same with Mr K before about raising issues - not seen each other for a while and don't want to spoil the evening, he's stressed about something, I'm worried about something - any excuse not to discuss it really and that's because it makes me uncomfortable.
Its so easy not to raise it but then time goes on and it feels too late to raise it and then the issue is swept under the carpet and not dealt with.

I was guilty of sweeping issues under the carpet in my marriage so nothing got addressed and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.
Therapy also helped me know that I can have discussions and don't need to ignore my feelings.

I hope you can speak to him soon.

I'm not really sure what my goal is from the discussion except I've written down some questions and statements for discussion and will wait to hear his answers/thoughts.

Hey mirror and sorting

I’ve realised that when I’m ok . Sober . Calm
I’m pretty happy with him and what we have
as I don’t necessarily want a relationship in the
classical sense
and certainly don’t want someone around the kids as things are

when I’m tried and stressed and (hungover 🙈) I want a white knight to rescue me and look after me

this summer break is a funny one as mums having major surgery and guess who is her carer

so my focus this summer is mainly rest and house and mum

as of now I’m staying off the booze , and actually my health and calm is my focus this summer

ChampooPapi

utterly charming
when on tinder i was Amazed by the sheer quantity of men who only want sexting

it’s cheap
great wank fodder

but very bruising

onwards x

SortingItOut
and good luck tonight x

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes its baffling and bruising at the same time from a woman's perspective. But I can see it's exactly what you said it is as well.
Obviously I've been out of this game too long , I assumed men liked actual sex! 😂

Real men do I suppose 🤷 messing with these types certainly been a learning curve for me

I’ve never really understood the sexting thing ( with a stranger),
if you were hungry you wouldn’t stand in front of a restaurant just reading the menu out to each would you, you would go in and have a meal , I dunno 🤷🏼‍♂️

some of us like having sex with real women.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

sexting is , on a base level…,,
better quality wanking

i did it when I was too nervous to meet people
or wasn’t sure abiut them
but wanted a thrill

each to their own
but it has a small place in the world !

I love a bit of sexting but generally not with someone I'd never met in person. Its usually been with ex ions but it usually just adds to my frustration when I'd prefer the real thing.

I can see the thrill for guys, but surprised it works for women on a “better quality wank” level too. Aren’t men supposed to be the more visual ones, not to mention that male members don’t exactly have the same aesthetic value 😂

PS - thread’s moved on now, but thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs and @Eesha for you advice.

Hello! I think I’ve found my people. Can I join the party? I’ve got lots of tales - both god awful and promising.

Met a guy from tinder last Saturday who I spent a pretty nice day with by the beach. To his credit he drove a good hour to see me! However he spectacularly ruined it by breaking wind - on my couch! - and then when I asked him what his plans were for the night he said he thought he was staying over 😵😵😵 I should add that he also stank to high heavens. I shall refer to him as Mr Sweaty Ste.

I sent him and his toothbrush packing…

I have a bit of a crush on a gorgeous soldier (mr military) who’s a few years younger than me.
We had a lovely kiss on the driveway some weeks ago following a four hour 2nd date. Again, he drove 40 minutes to see me. But now he’s back to base and contact is sporadic 😭 trying to keep myself busy with other irons but quality is few and far between…

Good to be here and would love to exchange stories. I have enjoyed reading all your updates.

ButterfliesAWOL

its their reactions
the writing back
the photos in response
voice notes ….

but you know each to their own
and I’m an anonymous Sexter

like I said I was a bit too chicken last summer to actually meet people !!! and got stupidly into someone abroad 🙈

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …i second your message and I too feel like caving in to Mr Ex. I feel better with myself for not doing it too.

@Mila14 I’m starting to reach a weird place with it with MrM whereby when I think through trying to make an arrangement to meet him (which I know he’d be up for doing) it just feels hollow and a bit forced.

What is helping reinforce that hollowness is continued wholesomeness from MrNice. I got another handwritten letter from him this morning with a small painting on the other side of the beach view from his hols. It’s melting this hoary old cynic’s heart!

I’m so happy for you @ibelieveinmirrorballs …stay on this course, no place in your life for MrM. Just enjoy kindness and thoughtfulness

ibelieveinmirrorballs

jesus he really is something else that one ! Love letters and painting 🖼 in 2022 !!! Bless his Romantic soul

Mila14
you need a break and a holiday methinks x

Ywnaged
welcome
so a smelly date that farted on your sofa
OLD just keeps on giving doesn’t it 😂

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you. And quite 🤣

i had to febreeze my couch once he’d gone!

@Mila14 when do you go away on your hols? Soon hopefully. Do not give in to the temptation of the ex! (She says.... )

I've got my annual 'wafting round a pool in a kaftan without any children' break booked and leave in just over 2 weeks... I cannot wait!

Absolutely no intention of seeing Mr Ex. Going 3 weeks away on Monday with kids 😊. Holidays and total disconnect. I will be checking this thread though 😂😂😂

The chat with Mr K went well....we've mutually agreed to split.

Ultimately wereat different life stages and want different things in the future.

Part of me also thinks he didn't like me raising issues and stating my needs, and while we ticked along everything was fine but as soon as there was an issue he didn't know how to handle it.

2 emotionally unavailable people can't have a relationship.

Very sorry to hear that @SortingItOut - did something in particular happen to bring things to a head?

This emotional availability lark is so fucking difficult to navigate - I had concluded that the only successful way someone emotionally unavailable can be in a relationship is with someone who is similarly unavailable, so neither person feels hemmed in or pressured. MrM felt claustrophobic faced with my wanting him to be emotional/have feelings/go deeper, and now when I’ve got someone being like that with me, I can feel it triggering similar panicky feelings.

How did you leave things between you? Do you think there’s any way back?