Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Oh gosh @SortingItOut I wasn’t expecting that update. I hope you are feeling okay about things. Your post here is very succinct and to the point, it doesn’t really give away any of what you are feeling. Was splitting tonight one of the outcomes you had anticipated ? You’re always super helpful and supportive on here and have been to me in particular many times.

Thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs and @Stepcount.

There is no way back,its definitely over.

I thought it was a possibility, he'd hurt my feelings on Sunday which I told him and he appeared to accept what I said.
Over the last few days I had some niggling doubts about Sunday so wrote some questions down to ask him so I could be more at peace with what happened (and make a decision).

On Sunday there was a local music event that I went to alone and Mr K was going with his son, I guessed he might also meet with friends.
At the end of the day I saw him (a miracle as it was so busy) and he was with a friend and no sign of his son.
It made me feel awakward/sad/pissed off. I didn't feel I could go and speak to him as I didn't know these friends and it felt like I'd caught him out.
The next day I asked where his son was and he said his son hadn't wanted to go so was dropped home and Mr K went with his mates. I asked why he didn't think to message me to ask to meet up as he knew I was going and he said he didn't think and anyway him and his mates were hanging about drinking and I don't do that,I told him just an hour together would have been nice as we like different music but just a bit of time together at an event would have been nice.

So it's escalated from that to ending things, he also brought up LAT and how he wants to live with someone in the future and that's not possible with me.

I'm ok about it, what will be will be.
Neither of us have had much spare time for the relationship and we've been loosing the connection (something I raised last year and a few months ago and he was adamant things were fine).

The cynical side of me thinks he didn't like me raising a concern about his priorities and he knows he can't/won't give more so it's easier to end it than deal with a 'demanding' girlfriend

@SortingItOut That would have made me feel very awkward too, seeing him at the event with friends I didn’t know and not feeling able to go over - it must have made you feel very odd given that you’ve been together such a long time. And it’s a bit conflicted for him to be saying he wants the intimacy of cohabiting at some future point but as you say, finding it ‘demanding’ perhaps for a girlfriend to assert her needs/boundaries. From the little you’ve shared here, you seem very undemanding!

Are you still seeing your therapist? I’m not sure if I recalled you saying sessions had finished. What do you think her view on this would be..? Hope you had a good sleep last night and aren’t feeling too upset or agitated about it all this morning.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I have been very undemanding and i think that's why he can't cope when I become even slightly demanding/critical.

In his previous relationships issues were never resolved, there was silent treatment for weeks and then swept under the carpet.
I'm not sure if he has the skills to discuss things logically without getting the hump/deciding to end things.

I've finished with my counsellor, I could get a session with her if needed.
I think she'd be proud of me for raising my feelings but she might think we both could have discussed things more rather than just agreeing to split without resolving anything.

I only managed 2 hrs sleep and that was at 3am, my brain won't shut up,I feel sick and tearful, it hit me when I went to bed.
I'm not sure whether to reach out and ask to discuss more or let it go.
I'm not sure if I want him or just the familiarity and because I don't like change. What I do know is that I'm quite gutted but then break ups are always hard even when it's the right thing to do.
I'm seeing my best friend later, she'll have good advice.

I’m glad you’re seeing your best friend later, just what’s needed. It sounds as though you might both have been emotionally unavailable but that you were making big efforts to reach out and resolve issues as they arose - as you say, perhaps he doesn’t have the ability to handle things any differently. If that’s the case, this wouldn’t have been good enough for you over the long run I think - you are very self-aware and have been tackling any issues you might have and trying to move past them. As my good friend would say, why is it always the women doing the majority of the heavy lifting when it comes to reflection, self-improvement, analysis etc? (Hashtag not all men, etc).

I’m sorry you didn’t get much sleep - thankfully it’s Friday and I hope you can have a fairly calm day. As you say even breakups that need to happen are upsetting. I think after such a long time together it would be good to maybe talk to Mr K about things again, if only to wrap things up… however that’s me talking and I get fixated on wanting to leave things properly all tied up with a bow.

@SortingItOut that sounds like a horrid night, no wonder you are feeling so unsettled. You must have hit the 3 yr mark or about to be so that’s a significant time in a relationship with someone. I hope time with your friend later will bring you a bit of comfort from a familiar face. I know it feels raw and upsetting at the moment but I would take a couple of days to process some of your feelings.

— before making your next step ( is what I should have added)
From what you share on here there was clearly a connection and a commitment with Mr K. I have questions and thoughts but you have enough racing through your mind so I will save them for another time. We’re here in whatever small way we can be if you need to offload x

Sorry to hear your update @SortingItOut but well done on asserting your needs. I'd have been hurt if he hadn't thought to tell me he was available to meet for even a short time - whilst both at the same event! I agree with @ibelieveinmirrorballs that it's a bit of a liberty him raising you not be available to cohabit when he isn't even available to meet for an hour at that event!

Hope you can take it easy today and get it all off your chest with your best friend.

Thanks everyone.

@Stepcount We were 2 months away from 3 years so quite a bit of time together really.
I'm happy for you to share your thoughts and questions as I need to make sense of it all and getting some impartiality (as much as it can be when there is only my side) is helpful.

Yes 3 years is a really long time and no wonder you feel upset. Just remember everything passes and you won't always feel like this.

This seems like a classic example to look at what someone does and not what someone says. He is saying "yeah I'd like to love with someone blah blah" but doesn't try to see you when you are literally at the same event?

That said and I am Not sticking up for him but I could imagine maybe being out with some friends and it might not go down too well if I said "oh can we just go and see my BF?"
maybe….

@SortingItOut …so sorry to hear your news. But in the end it’s good to look at the medium and long view. I’m not interested in building with someone who just wants short term and here and now. You will have better chances once you grieve over this relationship stay strong
Im keeping low key but reading all your comments. I’m taking a break from any iron searching and going on long holidays with family and kids.
I’ve gone incognito so I can’t be seen 😊

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Hashtag not all men, etc

😂Thanks for that - even as a bloke though, I do agree it’s rarer to find men that way inclined. I don’t know whether it’s cultural or genetic - maybe a bit of both. Men harm themselves as much as anyone else for not being able/willing to though.

@SortingItOut echo others in offering my sympathies but sounds like the right decision.

Out of interest, does anyone here actually prefer less self-reflection in a man (despite how it can be a pain)?

An ex of mine actually dumped me for a guy once because she found the fact he was so stoic attractive. In her words, she found the fact she could never tell what he was thinking “exciting and mysterious” (and no, she wasn’t in her teens - she was in her thirties!)

So I’ve kind of been inclined to believe it’s something that’s just a preference in a partner, like other attributes. Stoic vs reflective. Some people like a “strong and silent” man, others find it frustrating. Some like a reflective man, others find having to listen to such a person hard work.

I’m more of the “just get on with it” type of personality and I find there’s a weird duality that happens. You get told it’s a bad thing and you need to show more emotion, then you get told men shouldn’t be emotional and it’s not manly.

ok not directly and not the same person, but there’s a societal expectation to be “strong” in parallel with one that it’s “a bad thing”

@ButterfliesAWOL tbh i like when people are self reflective, it connects me more to them. Perhaps thats my type!

So I’m chatting so a few potentials on hinge and one is worrying me very slightly.

we’ve only been talking a couple of days, she’s local, all good. We half suggests a “date” on Sunday but when I then said I was busy during the day and a quick drink in the evening works I got “a quick drink? I’m not forcing you if you don’t have time”

then I got “I guess you want to stay on here and not swap numbers?”

I mean, quick drink feels sensible for a first meet, I’m not doing full on dinner!

@ButterfliesAWOL she may have liked ‘strong and silent’ because it was less challenging, if she herself had a fear of real intimacy.

I think there’s a false equivalence between being reflective/open to change; and weakness.
I think you can be a strong, “roll your sleeves up and get on with it” person who is also reflective and wanting to grow as you go through life.

God no, she sounds hard work.

I don't think I'd bother if she's getting stroppy already. I have one I'm chatting to suggest a drink tomorrow then say he'd let me know as finances are tight at the moment. Not sure what's going to change in less than 24 hours! Think I'll pass.

Gently probing I now think it’s just humour that didn’t come across, so for now I’m keeping chatting but I’m definitely on “alert”

i habe a date zero tonight (not with this one, someone else). She’s a bit quiet/serious so let’s see how she is in person.

SortingItOut

im late seeing this
I’m sorry , endings are hard and sad and bruising
they are like a mini bereavement and they hurt

you’ve always been so kind to me
I hope you can extend that to yourself too right now

massive hugs and a good wail with your friend later xxxx.

FloydPepper

its that issue again of blurting thoughts

maybe she saw your post and thought happy days
this chap is lovely !
and felt insecure that you were multiple dating
I could easily feel like that I know

but , best IN the head
not out the mouth !!

@FloydPepper it sounds a bit like she wants you to sound more enthusiastic/chase her a bit. A quick drink sounds like you are just fitting her in (I know that sounds mad!)

@Thisisworsethananticpated it could well be. Early days so I’m happy to just assume the best and keep aware. I have no time for drama or stroppiness.

how are you doing?

Hi all,

just dropping in.

@SortingItOut so sorry to hear about you and Mr K. Wasn’t expecting it but it sounds as if it was the right decision for you. Hope you have a wonderful time with your friend ❤️

@Thisisworsethananticpated I’m so sorry, I’ve only just seen your message. Thank you so much 😘 I’m hoping to go back to the dating game with you all soon, but for now I’m just chilling for a while. Hope you’re looking after yourself too ❤️