Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Has your message actually been lost in translation or is he just pretending because its convenient for him to do so and wants the FWB to continue?

In your original post about the text you said 'he might step up , I know he likes me a lot
but he might not be capable or able right now
in which case I’ll have to walk away'

What are the boundaries you refer to in your post this morning?
Currently it looks like he has ignored your text and you've not clarified it and asked what he thinks so you're still in limbo land again.

SortingItOut
I’ll see him later and will discuss like the mature woman I am (not !)

I’m not texting 💬 this stuff anymore as it’s a head fryer and ineffective

on a base level I want more planning , and cleaner communication

I’m really not asking for much

and im prepared to not engage if this isn’t met

@Thisisworsethananticpated I hate being an adult sometimes and having to have proper discussions about things.

Part of me still wants to just block and delete when I'm pissed off.

Have you written down what you want to say to him?

I'm due a 'chat' with Mr K and I'm making notes on my phone as I think of what I want to say/ask so by the time we chat I'm prepared and if need be I'll refer to my notes during the chat (which I've done before). It's good to be prepared so you don't forget anything.

Good luck with your chat

Part of me still wants to just block and delete when I'm pissed off

same . And storm out

but I’m 48 now !
I wish you luck with yours also x

I need to find ways of meeting people rather than using OLD, I just can’t find my people online 😞, the trouble is finding time and making the effort to socialise, it’s hard work when I have suspected ADHD, I struggle with groups of people and I don’t feel I fit in.

I stupidly messaged Mr Cherry yesterday after 2 weeks of no contact. He replied pretty much straight away but then vanished again after a few messages. I guess I just wanted to se if her would reply at all. I’m not sure why I’m bothering, he’s not exactly ideal (seems to have a few issues) and I know he wouldn’t be good for me. I really need a distraction. I only really have one other iron who I still haven’t met and then my friend who’s still declaring undying love for me every day despite me saying “I just want to be friends”, we have been friends for a couple years and I don’t want to lose his friendship but he’s getting a bit full on at times, we are spending half the weekend together but I know he will likely ruin it by begging me for a relationship.

Which sites are best for a hook up? I have been on fab swingers before but not sure I want to respect to looking through all the grim photos 😬. I would like to find a FWB for the summer but it’s hard to find someone local, with the price of fuel I don’t want to be driving miles for something that maybe disappointing 🤣.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Communication in my marriage was severely lacking and played out in silent treatment and stonewalling until the issue had gone away

I refuse to engage in that now so it's all about having discussions even when its really tough and I just want to cry (i have a huge emotional response to serious conversations whether happy or sad).

@Lovemusic33 Any site is good for hook ups, just include 'looking for fun' in your profile and the men will be like bees round a honey pot😂

Before I found Fab i got my hook ups from Okcupid, Bumble and then later on from Tinder.

Lovemusic33

in agree with sorting

• flattering smiley photo


• useage of the term ‘fun’ FUN 🤩


• but funny, profile - show personality

and your cooking on gas baby girl

either tinder or hinge work

it’s so funny how ‘fun’ seems to reel them in

and you get nice people on Hinge , less Tinder I have to say

ive had people very nicely ask ‘hope this is ok to ask but would you be open to a more casual arrangement ?’

Maybe I’m being unfair, but it’s been a revelation to me how much lifting “let’s see what happens” can do in the online profiles I’ve interacted with 🤣

It’s been a bit of a sticking point with me and MsP tbh - I get the sense she wants a “bit of fun” casual relationship, with a serious relationship something that might be nice if it happened organically, but not a priority. But she also wants me off the market and committed to her.

So in the one sense, she’s become quite territorial and more pushing things to becoming serious quicker than I am, by her own admission, because of this (rather than mutually feeling we’re at the right stage to evolve things). But then simultaneously claims she only wants casual. It’s like her fear of getting into another serious relationship is at odds with her fear of me moving on/meeting someone else.

I can empathise and I’m not looking to multi-date, but I’d be lying if the feeling of her having options whilst trying to deny me that didn’t chafe at times .

ButterfliesAWOL

depends
there is casual in ‘let’s see how this goes , slow
down and not move into together just yet ‘

and there is casual ‘want to fuck around’

i think the first category is eminently reasonable
especially for the divorced and single parents

the second category is plain cheeky !

ButterfliesAWOL Sounds as though she doesn’t want to commit to a relationship, she wants to keep her options open but doesn’t want you seeing someone else? I have felt like this with a few irons and tbh it’s because I like them but not enough to stop me wanting to look around. She’s basically hoping someone more suited will come along but keeping you as back up which is unfair.

TBH I would prefer something casual, mainly because I have huge trust issues and over think everything when in a relationship, my mental health is at its worse when in a relationship. But if someone amazing came along and I felt totally relaxed with them and had no interest in dating anyone else I would happily ditch any other irons for them.

I now have a date with the guy I have been messaging for ages, he wanted to meet this weekend but I’m busy so we are meeting the following weekend. I shall call him Mr Peachy, he lives quite far away so I’m not really hopeful, he’s also ten years older than me 😬.

It’s been a bit of a sticking point with me and MsP tbh - I get the sense she wants a “bit of fun” casual relationship, with a serious relationship something that might be nice if it happened organically, but not a priority. But she also wants me off the market and committed to her.

that’s a bit of a have her cake and eat it double standards really, she wants the you for the fun stuff only ( fair enough), but exclusively with her , nope, kick her the long grass…

@Thisisworsethananticpated @Lovemusic33
Thanks - in fairness, it’s very much not “casual, want to fuck around”. So casual, let’s not rush this is fine and sensible. But then she does rush things whilst telling me she wants (not rush things) casual which is the issue!

We did talk about it and she admitted the rushing things was out of fear of me getting tempted away by someone else. She says she doesn’t do multi-dating once things get physical and I’m happy to do likewise. But she also finds it difficult to express feelings, so hard to gauge how much enthusiasm she actually has for me (not helped by her previous comments about MrLust). So sometimes I feel it’s more about protecting a “mr right now” so she has something rather than nothing (since she won’t entertain multi-dating when things are physical) rather than her seeing any potential future together.

Still very early days though. We both have baggage from previous relationships so guess this kind of uncertain period is inevitable.

Yep, that’s at least my fear - but it could only be fear.

Out of interest, when do people tend to have the “does this have potential” talk? Not necessarily going “official” but at least checking on to see if we agree it could become a serious relationship and we’d be open to that?

It really could just be fear. I’ve said similar things to MrNice - I’m a bit wary these days of people declaring strong feelings early on, because often it doesn’t sustain or translate into anything meaningful. So taking things slowly is to be commended, but only - I think - in the broader context of “this could have legs, let’s see what happens”.

What kind of reassurance do you think you need that you don’t have? What could she say that would put you at ease?

MrNice and I talked last night about potential and literally for the first time ever I feel very calm about it all. It’s not because he’s promising anything but I think because we’re both being a bit “gosh, wasn’t expecting this” but both also caveating it with acknowledgement that it’s very early days, he has an odd living arrangement, and we live 80 mins drive away.

Thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs - it’s been great to get your perspective especially as there do appear to be some similarities with how things have come about with you and Mr Nice!

I think it’s not that I’m looking for any particular words per se - just more a bit less volatility. It feels a bit like being a passenger in a car, where I’ve said I’m cool with cruising at a careful speed, but the driver keeps shoving their foot on the accelerator, then on the brake, rinse and repeat. Example: she was telling me, unprompted, about all the doubts she had about us. Then followed up five minutes later with “can I be blunt and transparent for a moment: I think I’m falling in love with you”. But then another time she will just clam up and say nothing and, again, it’s like she’s mentally undermining us.

ButterfliesAWOL

oh . Now you have said that I can see why you have concerns !
that’s rather strange and confusing behaviour
its like she has NO filter and mentally blurts everything on her mind ?

now we all have the thoughts 💭
its fine to have doubts and then vacillate

but she needs to stop sharing everything in her head I’d say !

I think it’s really hard isn’t it when you’ve been married and had kids got divorced etc to then know what you want in a relationship. Because when you’re younger you want to know if the relationship is going somewhere (eg marriage kids) but when you’re older and you’ve been there done that what does “the relationship going somewhere” really mean?

you don’t want to settle down but equally you don’t want to fuck around either so it’s easy to give wrong signals and to misunderstand what people want??? Totally unhelpful answer but trying to say she might be serious about you but not sure what that actually looks like in reality??

I think (personally), it’s when someone starts talking about being “exclusive”, sure you can be casual, but casual & exclusive is moving towards FWB (in my mind anyway), but one person cannot dictate being exclusive to another ( which is sounds a bit like Ms P is doing) ?

its like she has NO filter and mentally blurts everything on her mind ?

this is exactly what ms H was like , no filter, every thought came straight out of her mouth with no moderation!

@bluetatoo That’s a good point. I think I need to just absorb the fact we’re all human and at this point in the dating cycle there’s (inevitably) going to be a lot of mental and emotional turbulence, especially when real feelings of intimacy start manifesting themselves, as seems the case for us both now. To be honest, I’m surprised as it seems waaay too early to be getting “feels” like this, but on the other I “clicked” with her more than anyone I online dated before.

Okay @ButterfliesAWOL I can totally understand how confusing this must be! She is over sharing and being inconsiderate as to the effect it would have on the other person to be strapped into this rollercoaster of emotions. Can you tell her how it’s making you feel?

I would perhaps be tempted to intimate that it’s limiting your ability to settle into any kind of commitment because it feels too risky to really “let go” and trust that the positive things she says can be relied upon.

@ButterfliesAWOL I think she just sounds like shes a bit nervous of the relationship ie has baggage and doesnt know how to handle things. Plus you want a bit more reassurance that you are special to her too. Just have the chat in person.

@Thisisworsethananticpated How did you get on with your chat with Balkan?

I'm seeing Mr K tonight for our chat😱

SortingItOut
i didn’t have it really ! I could only stay 2 hours and had such a stressful day I decided to just have a nice time
I could not face yet another heavy convo
i needed an escape , and that’s what I got

good luck with your
what’s your goal ?