Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Well done and endings are horrid, I do think it wasn’t the one for you though, it feels crappy now but you’ve cleared the path for a much nicer person to appear!! 💛

I’ve said it before and I’m sure it won’t be the last time 😂🙈 but I do appreciate our little group here too! Dunno what id do without it sometimes! hug haha 🥹

Hello Everyone,
Long time lurker and wondering if I can join in too?

Been divorced for 7 years and not dated at all until last Christmas when I thought I really should try dating a bit??

First few dates with Mr Oui Our - he was very nice to me but I was totally hopeless and he did ghost me after a few dates. I was so shocked but not overly invested so ...
Then met Mr Pee Wee totally fell for him went out a few times but felt he wasn't that interested so I dumped him. Then spent the next few months crying about it!!! He is still in my head TBH
Then Mr Borders became like best friends on text totally clicked - until we met IRL, just like many of you have warned ha ha

Anyway had a few weeks break and tried again on Sunday - got a few matches but only one I am semi interested in. Can I just ask all you experts when men reply but don't ask a question do you reply?

eg 'chat chat chat about triathlons" "well I've hung my boots up now"

Would you reply to that or leave it?

I'm an over thinker I think as you can tell ha ha

@bluetatoo I think “good” men - or at least those with a bit more emotional intelligence - will ask a question or at least do something to get the conversation moving and vice versa. I’m male but have certainly given up on certain women when the conversation became all about them talking about themselves and me always asking the questions. I just see it as a symptom of self-absorption and if someone can’t be bothered to ask after me or my life, I can’t imagine they’re any different as a partner either. And reciprocity is definitely what I’m after.

@bluetatoo I don’t really bother with men like that… if they’re half hearted at the start it rarely improves. If they’re keen they will then follow it up with another message this time asking a question. I know it sounds brutal but I make men do most of the running while a chat is getting off the ground and they seem to like it that way… 🙈 It’s hard enough to arrange a meet etc - both parties need to be actively up for it.

@Thisisworsethananticpated … I value your comments massively and think many of us here would be mates IRL. You are very lovely. I’m euro and I have noticed how unbelievable loads Englishmen drink, and by extension, women. My mrEx I was in love with used to drink almost daily ( a pint for him was not counted a daily intake).It impacted his mood and it became intolerable at some point. I never knew how low was he on one day or the next. I also remember going for dinner, me 2 glasses tops , him finish bottle and extra drink before dinner and sometimes after as well. I go for weeks with no alcohol normally. I only ever drink socially and with food. Never at home and never alone. If you feel not well , double up on physical exercise, Gym, running etc and go on a health bender ( it works for me).
You really need Mr Balkan to be a support and show you love or he’s a nuisance now.
This thread is great therapy for many of us and it’s non judgement zone. Just advise and kindness 😘😘

@ButterfliesAWOL & @ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks both yes I think you are right. He has now sent me loads of photos of triathlons :0))))))))) I am not interested in triathlons at all! funny!!
But again been quite flippant and not really asked a question but i have replied flippantly back??
I am only checking into apps for about 10 minutes once a day so i am also not the best communicator but i find it overwhelming tbh and cant manage more than that I hate getting into too long of a chat??? but am trying my best!!!
How often do you all do? every day? and do you leave it 24 hours before replying?

I really love reading all your stories, good and bad tales are great!! But you all seem much better at this than me!

@bluetatoo … welcome and honestly.., I’m totally crap at this OLD so far. Had a few dates with really good blokes but I didn’t feel any special connection or fancied them crazy. I think IRL meeting early on is the one thing I have learnt that is really useful. You can have amazing good chats and messaging but … nothing is clear until you meet. Enjoy and be as picky as you wish

@Mila14 I think you are amazing at dating you seem like you are on it!!! :0)

@bluetatoo … I have been wholly unsuccessful so far 😂😂😂… so not amazing at all! But I try to at least have fun and not to expect too much or invest massively on any iron

I agree with this. Meet relatively early rather than let it build up too much.

so I tried hinge, and yep, it seems massively better. Nice people, who chat, without using text speak. I have half a dozen matches/chats in the early stages, and a date zero on Friday :)

The bewildering thing is, the ones where there’s most potential tend to flow more naturally - with Ms P we just seemed to “get” each other so quickly the messaging actually became a pleasure rather than something I got concerned about. So very much depends on the person. As a rule though, I personally feel a good flow of gently probing questions each way is a good sign, then after 24-48 hours, once established there’s serious interest and no obvious red flags, proposed a date (just a quick drink I found best as you can extend if you do hit it off).

I got better with practice mind!

Oh, and personally a couple of hours between replies, or one in the evening if I messaged during the day, was fine for me - I just assume people are busy with jobs and life. I make it clear as well if I’ve got kids round or similar so the other person knows I’m not just ignoring them.

@Daydreamscometrue the catfish I encountered was called Dylan on hinge and went under Jonathan on tinder. No duplicate pics but clear of same person.

@bluetatoo like previous posters I won't single handedly carry a convo either - if they can't show any interest at the outset then there's little hope for later - I can't be doing with pulling teeth convos

The hinge iron I am most interested in has continued to message but no date arranged as yet. The one I have on whatsapp is still messaging too but again no date yet but I'm not too fussed as in no hurry as July is just manic

So, a hypothetical question came up today, whilst talking with friends - NOT I hasten to add, between myself and Ms P and also NOT pertinent to our dating situation (since we've already agreed to become exclusive now, even if we're still feeling our way!!!)

Basically, Friend A is on about date 5/6. Both don't currently have any other irons and both agreed not to go looking for/message/respond to anyone else for the time being - they want to focus on each other to see how things go. They've also agreed they're not in a relationship yet and still very much in the "seeing each other" phase.

Friend A wondered where drunken snogs/one-night stands might factor into this. As they're not counted as looking for a relationship/date they don't break the terms of the arrangement and as they're not actually in a relationship yet, they can't really accuse each other of cheating.

Don't think they're planning any - maybe Friend A is a little fearful their date might do it to them, but not sure they really have grounds to be concerned. But I thought it was an interesting question to toss out here - has anyone encountered this kind of scenario or got thoughts on it?

@ButterfliesAWOL personally I think it's a technicality there. Good or bad, I'm assuming we are both on the same page and not seeing others. There's a great checklist that @SortingItOut wrote where this gets clarified. I would be fuming if someone said 'but we weren't really official' and I'd immediately let them loose.

Well I’m new to dating and old but if I was sleeping with someone and then found out they snogged someone else I wouldn’t be very happy no matter what our official status is if that makes sense?
I think you’re either in or you both do what you like and if you’re both doing what you like you both need to know that’s the score???

@ButterfliesAWOL Here is my dating advice which includes discussions about exclusivity and what are we:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

@SortingItOut Cheers! In my friend’s case I believe 1 and 2 are “no” with 3 not yet nailed down. But think your comments on 3 get to the crux of the question (I’m going to try and put aside the fact me and Ms P have agreed 3, but this points out there might be loopholes after all!! 🤣) - it’s the mindset that having a one-off snog/flirt/sext as a bit of fun, with no intention of it going anywhere, so it “doesn’t count” as multi-dating and isn’t cheating because you’re still “seeing where things go.”

Maybe myself and Ms P should have a chat about our definition of “exclusive” 😁!

HowlongWillThisTakeNow
ah , saw updates
endings are horrible

you had some fun with Mrs H (sex injury aside ) and I hope you feel better soon
and look back with a rueful smile
but it’s always shit to start with

And thanks to everyone
so much
you are all spot on and wise
I really appreciate this thread
even When it’s hard to read - you all speak sense

despite visiting a terminally Ill family member today I actually had a really nice day

Glad to hear you had a better day @Thisisworsethananticpated - did Balkan come back with anything else after you sent the message?

@ButterfliesAWOL I think they are good questions and raises the sort of ethical valley between having a mindset of behaviour that falls under “what I can get away with” vs “what’s the right thing to do”. I’ve pondered similar thoughts in recent weeks after a chat with my ex and idle planning to meet up (which would probably include sex) whilst in the several week gap between my first and second date with new iron MrNice. “We’ve only met once!”… “I haven’t even slept with MrNice yet!”… and “we’ve not discussed being exclusive anyway!” are all thoughts that have crept through my mind during and after the conversation with ex. But I know instinctively it’s not the right thing to do and I’m falling into the trap of looking for the “legal loophole”. It’s also in my case not the right thing to do for other reasons and is probably me ill-advisedly thrillseeking.

Back to now, had a great chat with MrNice last night where we talked about how we felt about the weekend and how we’re both a bit surprised by how strong the connection feels but how easily things are flowing, and agreed to try not to overthink any of it or worry about where it’s all heading. We can’t see much of each other due to distance and commitments so let’s see. He’s on hols with his kids this week so not much time for us to catch up anyway.

ibelieveinmirrorballs
weve been chatting and I’m genuinely not sure how much landed and how much was ‘lost in translation’
in the cold sober light of day (!) more important
to me is asserting my boundaries without getting dramatic or upset or angry
so simply communicating

this is work in progress , I’m really bad at this
I block , I go off in a huff , I react

on a base level I know he has feelings for me . But will he respect my boundaries ? Time will tell . And it’s on me to calmly and consistently communicate them

ibelieveinmirrorballs

im impressed by how calmly its all going
your therapist deserves a bonus ! 😂
and you a ⭐️

but truly you have really adapted , look at ginger as a more recent example

and yes some of its luck in that there is chemistry ( phew !)

ButterfliesAWOL

ive not been a total 😇 in this area I have to say

but on a base level I agree with everyone here

a drunken snog or a one night stand is cheating if you have said you’re exclusive !