Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Eesha
aint that the truth . That whatever happens we will survive , learn the lessons, and basically be fine

i feel the same actually x

😂😂, I guess I’m in a “don’t trust women “, mood

So I couldn't shake the niggling feeling it wasn't right and I've ended it. It was fine and all good, ended on good terms and have the option of a "night out" or catch up if I ever feel like it lol, I'm away with the kids for 10 nights in 2 weeks so might have a dating break but knowing me I'll last 3 days then back to it.

@Lollysticks12 … good woman… no compromise… next!!
@Eesha and @Thisisworsethananticpated …right frame of mind. Someone better is likely to come along if it doesn’t work with current irons

Mila14

yeah . He hasn’t texted and part of me thinks he won’t as what I’ve said is very honest and too heavy for him
and , so be it
6 months is enough time to stress over a man
seriously !

I admire you for being upfront. Ultimately what closed the chapters of my previous irons was me doing the same and stating clearly what it was that I needed and them admitting they couldn’t give that to me. It’s normal to develop feelings for someone after several months, there’s nothing there to be ashamed of, and having to pretend we don’t have the feelings is excruciating. Has he read but not replied?

ibelieveinmirrorballs

he Replied ‘what did I do wrong ‘
oy vey
I still don’t regret it
let’s see x

What does that even mean? You told him you were developing feelings and he asks what he did wrong?

@Thisisworsethananticpated … I don’t understand his WhatsApp either 😳… looks like he wants the arrangement to continue as it is and if it doesn’t … one made a mistake?? The question he needs to answer is whether he wants a relationship and whether he indeed has also developed feelings. Be careful @Thisisworsethananticpated

@Thisisworsethananticpated just out of interest how comes you are texting this and not talking to him when you're with him? I know it’s a scary convo to have but more meaningful in person? I don't think you can take any messaging as his meaningful answer and I can see you getting upset, i mean this kindly x

I have seen turk briefly but Ive been avoiding the high street a bit and changing up my times. But when I see him I will smile and say hi. If he is with someone, then she must live abroad!

Ahh things still not in a good place with Ms H? She doesn’t sound like she is the most compatible person for you… her behaviour hasn’t been wonderful the entire time you’ve known her to be fair? She sounds pretty rude.

I would take that as hes joking about. He doesn't know what to do with it!

im in such a funny headspace at the moment
was steaming hungover today after a very emotional and drunken family do yesterday

my kids go off soon for the summer and I’m on my knees somewhat with exhaustion and mental health stuff

I think I’ll make some clearer decisions once they are off and I get some headspace

I actually don’t know what I want
just what I don’t want !

@ButterflyOfShay I wouldn’t say she was rude as such, but she does seem to have a lack of awareness of how she sounds sometimes, it’s weird, I’ve never really meet any one like it

@Thisisworsethananticpated 💗💗 sound like you just need a break and some you / chill out time!

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow just sounds rude in the way she treats you, ie not replying to your messages/invites, the flirting with other blokes etc, she sounds a bit ignorant, don’t stick with it if it’s making you miserable as it seems you’re mostly unhappy with her? There are nicer people out there.

@Slothmomma I've just had the same email about 'Adam'

ButterflyOfShay
thanks , I’m really mortified at how hungover I was, how drunk I got and how odd I was yesterday
Some red flags 🚩 in terms of my mental health
and it’s not Balkan , it’s my son

thanks for putting up with my ramblings

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

beleive it or not ! there are some parallels in what you have, and I have in terms of our irons . I’ve noticed it a few times actually

my mum is also alot like Mrs H in that , rudeness and lack of self awareness too

Feel free to totally bloody ignore me but have you tried cutting out the booze for a period to see if that makes a difference. The way you write about it reminds me of the way I used to feel after drinking, feeling like I was sort of at its mercy in terms of whether the wheels would come off that particular night. And then the hangover the next day, dread/fear/anxiety/regret.. etc. Alcohol is a depressant and I think the trap when life feels really hard is that we can slip into feeling like we absolutely need it to deal with being a single parent, etc etc. One day I had the revelation that it was making my life harder not easier, and I wanted to try a period without it (which I’d never done before).

It sounds relentless for you in some ways - no relief from intense childcare and work and then long periods of respite when the DC visit their dad… and it must be such a relief to have a period where you can truly breathe and unwind.

Be super kind to yourself, you sound like an incredible mother working really hard and doing it all by yourself. It’s no mean feat x

@Thisisworsethananticpated to me it sounds like you are drinking to mask deeper worries and you need other help purely for you, say a therapist. It's tough work being a single parent and you sound like you are under a lot of pressure. You're reaching out to Mr B for comfort but he sounds like an emotionally unavailable fool. It's like a rabbit hole. Once you feel happier in yourself, then you can focus on someone who deserves you.

You are both spot on
I’m in year #3 now of school refusal and endless mental health service chasing , adjacent to working FT
and the fatigue is high and I’m definitely abusing substances a wee bit
I’m also really struggling with socialising as whilst I adore my friends and family I seem to be unable to socialise without getting wasted
so I avoid socialising and feel isolated !

anyway you lot are very kind and I appreciate your online support very VERY much x

I can't imagine how tough that is with the school refusal and you trying to work alongside.

I also started to do that, getting anxious in advance of certain social occasions because I couldn't trust myself not to overdo it - so therefore avoiding them all together.

It's really positive to start to recognise these behaviours because it's all part of realising that far from helping with the stress and anxiety and 'hardness' of life, substances are actually causing a lot of the problems. Trite as it may sound, be really kind to yourself - you are doing an amazing thing holding all this together for your kids - yet another example of a woman being all things to all people even in the most trying of circumstances. You deserve happiness and someone to bestow love and care onto you.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm so pleased you can come here for support and you take on board peoples comments graciously.

There is an alcohol support board on here and I recently stumbled across a thread on there called Day 1 and loads of people joined and supported each other to give up alcohol.
What I found interesting was how many all said that alcohol makes their mental health and mood much worse.
Lots saw a difference immediately.

I know you have so much going on so it's understandable your mental health is impacted but how much worse is it due to alcohol?

Is there any way to have a break from your son? Do you have anyone trusted who can look after him (i appreciate he's a teenager) so you get some time for yourself?

It seems the only break you get is time to see Balkan who is emotionally unavailable and messes with your head too.

What do you do for yourself? Selfcare/love? Hobbies?

@ButterflyOfShay I ended things on Sunday, I’m going to take a break from dating and women ( yes I know how that sounds), maybe turn into Father Jack Hackett

@Thisisworsethananticpated I know, it’s all rather crappy, stay strong, sounds like you are having a tough time

@Thisisworsethananticpated it’s a pleasure to listen and try and offer support (though my supports crap as I cant imagine how hard it must be doing all that you do), you are absolutely LOVELY 💗 always so kind to me and others on here. Other than May im 7 months sober something I never thought I could do, drink is hardcore addictive but you are so resilient, you could give it up, if you really put your mind to it. Love! 🤍🤍