Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Eesha I’d be the same as you, hearing all about it would be making me feel insecure af. Hopefully he’s not trying to make you do the pick me dance or something or trying to make his ex jealous. Dies he think telling you is going to make you feel good?? Not nice for you. 😣 x

Hey Worse.. I just feel like she wants to control everything and I just feel like shes been deceptive and not up front but there was a few little things which made me feel uneasy about her. All a bit shit really and its made me question myself and knocked my confidence a bit.

This is the new friend you made ?
yeah I hate it when that happens as (a) it’s nice to make new friends but (b) it makes you question your judgement

did she take a bit of glee in telling you he has a GF ?

@ButterflyOfShay normally I'd think the same but actually I just think he's taking the approach of being completely honest with me about his situation. He doesn't want her back but it still feels complex whilst she is single. She was completely fine when she wasn't.

I might regret this but Ive just told Balkan that I have feelings for him
that’s it’s more than just casual sex for me

im tried of game playing , ignoring texts to look cool , etc

I’ll let him digest
but I’m lying to myself if I say it’s just a casual
thing

he might step up , I know he likes me a lot

but he might not be capable or able right now

in which case I’ll have to walk away

Hi. Thought I'd go and join you. Reading all your dating exploits has been really enlightening and helpful as I navigate this new world.
I've very recently called a day on my almost 20 year relationship/marriage. It's been a massive relief as there has been no common grounds for the good part of 3 years apart from children. Basically we were housemates who shared a couple of kids. No intimacy, no kisses, cuddles definitely no Sex. No common interests, friends, nothing.
So now that the decision has been taken and ex-h is in the process of moving out (just a few more weeks fingers crossed) I've decided to have a look if there's still anything out there. 😂 I miss having someone to go out with, have fun with and also the obvious other benefits of a relationship. Not sure what I want (definitely not husband no2) but right is like a bit of fun dating.
Spoke to a few and have had 2 dates so far. Date #1 was lovely, really easy going conversation and good fun. Have been messaging since but I don't feel there's much of a connection. May give it another date though to make sure as he is really easy to talk to.

Date #2 has been chatting with me for a while and messages have been OK. We have loads in common. Went for a walk for our first date and although it was nice, I really do not fancy him and don't think I ever will. He's keen to have another date, so in trying to put my big girl pants on and tell him I'm not. Any advice on how I can put it politely would be much appreciated. I'm really rubbish at this.

Talking to another iron but it's really early days. Judging on his pictures alone though I definitely think I could fancy him.

It is all overwhelming at the moment. 😬

Walk away, you will always think “what if he changes his mind “, the doubt will eat you up

Uh oh, not the F word , ( no not that one)

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

what do you mean ? Im panicking now

Feelings; not just F**king, that takes things to a new level

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I had a good long chat about this with a friend who has known me years. He actually said the opposite, but that should the worst happen, I'll deal with it and most likely meet someone new. What annoys me i guess is that she was fine when she had someone, now not so

It’s very annoying BUT not surprising. She sounds like a weak character. As long as he recognises these things, I think you’re in a good position. ie it’s not so much about the facts of the thing.. it’s all about his relationship to those facts.

Yeah it is her Worse and just a few things happened that makes me feel actually she might be a bit spiteful towards me. Or even that she might have wanted turk for herself? As soon as she’d told me that the very next day she’d been hairdressers, got her nails done, got her eyelashes done, stopped replying to my messages I felt like she just swerved me altogether. Anyway put put me off the whole thing its just a but of a sour taste in my mouth and feel a bit sad as more than anything I was happy about making a new friend! Soz for the essay.

I think you need to tell him the whole scenario is making you feel worried, and that if he wants it to work with you and him he needs to tell her bluntly that its over between them for good and to have some respect for him and his life and to move on and leave you both alone? You only need to say it once and if he cares he’ll do it. Be blunt and just tell him … don't need to be any drama .. dont just end it without giving him the chance here x

I disagree, i think she needs to give him the trust to sort the problem out, if he really likes her he’ll take action.
Good luck @Eesha !! 💗

Yaaaay just do it 🥰🥰 i bet he plays it down or makes a joke but secretly his little heart will burst…. Hehe xx

Dont panic!!! Its good!!!

Well done @Thisisworsethananticpated . I think this is the right thing to do. He’s never been just a FWB… let’s see what happens. Fingers crossed

dont fret if he doesnt reply instantly I think like you said let it sink in a bit too 💕

ButterflyOfShay
im Wondering if he is attached now !
maybe she lied and wants to put you off
sorry that’s supremely unhelpful

@Thisisworsethananticpated U also think it’s good you’ve said it. Because it kind of forces the issue rather than pretending you are nonchalant when you’re not (this, in my experience, is the major cause of anxiety and stress).

If he’s not ready/able/willing to reciprocate, PLEASE promise yourself you’ll remember it is absolutely nothing to do with you not being “enough”. I’ve been having some interesting thoughts about my feeling weird about MrNice’s niceness towards me and realising that someone being really into me makes me feel like running away. I reflected that when someone does that to me, I ALWAYS take it personally… but now it’s me feeling it, I know it’s absolutely nothing to do with MrNice but everything about my own fear of intimacy/being vulnerable.

ill Leave him too it
and let him think and digest the many boundaries nice been recently laying

he either listens
or he doesn’t

he probably won’t !!!

but I don’t think he wants to lose me either

Sorry her behaviour has left you feeling this way - very upsetting to think we got it wrong with someone.

Have you seen Mr Turk since finding out that he supposedly has a girlfriend?

ibelieveinmirrorballs

you are so spot on ! It’s pretending I don’t care when I do
it’s bullshit

and if he doesn’t step up , and probably won’t , I know it’s not me
I’m 100% clear on that

@ButterflyOfShay yes I immediately replied and explained how it was making me uneasy. He's very aware that had she still had her affair partner, she wouldn't give him a second thought. But he's at pains to explain to me that it's over whether I was in the picture or not. Truth be told, if it doesn't work out with us, I know ill be fine. I've experienced enough to know there's always someone better out there