Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Lollysticks12 it depends really how bad these traits are. I mean I've dated a weed smoker plus a guy who burnt every bill looking letter as it arrived! Personally I'd give things a go but if its annoying, then I'd probably just say we weren't quite compatible. Could you see this going anywhere long term?

@Lollysticks12 Depends what sorts of traits and also how open a person he is in terms of looking at himself longer term. Kindness and good sex are good building blocks but if you don’t feel a sense of affection building towards him over time because of these traits maybe he’s more of a FWB candidate than a relationship?

@Lollysticks12 i dated someone last year who was kind ( too me), and the sex was good, but she actually quite rude to other ppl and really put me off, cannot stand rudeness

Yes…@Lollysticks12 … it’s quite early on to see traits that would annoy you. I felt the same way with an iron… my gut feeling told me it was not right for me and I moved on. It all depends on whether you want to compromise this early. Follow your gut instinct

ibelieveinmirrorballs

i was wondering how it went this weekend
and it went ! Gosh
you won’t need this thead soon
but very happy for you

trytopullyoursocksup

im firmly of the opinion that nice men and nice women are in the apps
as evidenced by this thread

now will you find them ? Will you have the right
mix of comparability and chemistry
well that takes time and filtering and patience

but thick skin , patience and boundaries help

I agree @Thisisworsethananticpated - they’re definitely there. Even on the more “out there” apps there are decent people who might just be looking for something similar to you. I think it helps not to take offence at the people clearly looking eg just for sex and just mark them up as being unsuitable and a mismatch rather than any sort of affront that they dared to approach you.

Even on Feeld or OKC I’ve never had anyone demand pics or get shitty if I was not up for what they were offering.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Mr Nice sounds really lovely!

I’m having “meh” day… no irons I’m interested in but I had to let Mr It go. He sent message today and lamented I don’t seem interested in meeting again. I wished him good summer and excused myself. I know I’m too picky because I have had very nice dates with good men but really… I don’t feel what I should and clearly this is going to take time

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I’ll echo others and say great news about you and Mr Nice and keeping fingers crossed for you both!

Regarding me and Ms P I’d say there’s definitely increasing connection and intimacy and it doesn’t feel things are stagnating. There’s probably some truth in what she says about me self-sabotaging. I think in a way, I’ve got it in my head I’m like a “next best thing” - because on the face of it Lust Guy broke up with her after a month or two for reasons that had nothing to do with their compatibility or a red flag or anything - they both got cold feet once they realised their lives were going in different directions. So, ironically, where I was once worried about being a rebound from her ex husband I’m now worried I’m a rebound from Lust Guy! 🤣

She says she’s still attracted to me, that in a similar space of time, she feels she knows me better, is more emotionally connected to me, has been on more actual dates with me, had more (and much better) sex with me than with Lust Guy. But again, it’s just that nagging Devil on the shoulder that says “yeah, but you don’t make her go “phwoar”, he did, and there wasn’t anything other than bad logistics that split them up”. I feel like second prize, but realise this isn’t her fault and my issue to deal with.

Also think added to this is the short time frame - if Lust Guy had been twelve months ago I think I’d be less inclined to be anxious as there would have been time to move on. But they must have finished with each other only a couple of months ago.

ButterfliesAWOL

there is something to be said for not being that open and discussing exes
i know it happens and we all do it
but for the jealous and insecure it’s a killer

but on paper eveything is good and great
if you didn’t know about this ex
you’d be a lot happier !
so this is your insecurity here
ignorance is bliss I think

Mila14
youve had a lot of dates in a very short timeframe
and I know that 3 didn’t work out as you wished

can you make yourself take a small break and get joy from day to day stuff

Okay - you DO sound like you’re self-sabotaging here. Can I give you a bit of perspective from the other side? I’m also long out of my marriage so my exH is not the person new partners should fear in terms of rebound, and my most recent ex could be described as LustGuy. We had amazing sex and incredible adventures together. BUT - there was no deepening intimacy because he wasn’t able (or didn’t want) to connect in that way. I’ve found it hard to let go of it. However with Mr Nice there is intimacy, and it appears good sex, and potential to grow. These are the elusive things most of us are searching for. Good sex and fizzing lust is by comparison two a penny. It also sounds as though you have great communication with Ms P as you’re talking these things through.

I’d second @Thisisworsethananticpated in that it’s probably tmi that she shared this much info with you. I have wanted to say things about my MrM to MrNice but am glad I’ve held back, as I don’t think it’s going to be helpful. The truth is I’m not completely over him (as Ms P may not be too) but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t recognise he was not the right person for her and is trying to build a healthy connection with someone more suitable - you.

I'd also like to get advice on Mr Blue. His wife seems to be very full of regret and remorse about her affair. He's been completely open about this. It makes me feel uneasy that he's not long out of it, that she's so regretful, and he once loved her a lot. He said himself that there was a lot of emotional abuse so I believe he means she could dictate a lot because he was the weaker character. Not sure whether to walk away before I'm more invested.

I think it’s understandable that you’re cautious, but he’s been the victim of abuse and you can’t hold that bit against him. I don’t think that makes him weak.

its valid, however, to tread carefully if you think he’s not over his ex

@FloydPepper hi, no I meant I think he was in love with her but she was more in control. He used the term emotional abuse, and I guess she could get her way because of the balance there.

Now we are seeing each other, her relationship has ended and she's full of remorse.

@Eesha I really hope that he can see how toxic it is of her to be now full of regret. When does he move into his new place?

I think continue to take it slowly and see what unfolds. She sounds like a potentially difficult character but if he is about to move into his own place, and the children clearly know the parents are separated and this is a permanent move, and he seems clearly moving forwards with his life, I would proceed I think.

As you know, Mr Nice cohabits and I continue to be wary of this. There seems to be zero emotional attachment between him and his ex but I am not sure I can trust yet that I’m not a rebound.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs The place is bought and now being redone so I'd say August move. People are aware of their split. It's just it makes me uneasy.

Eesha

given how nice he is I’d say be upfront

firstly you really don’t need to know the ins and out of his ex and her feelings
thats his problem and it’s not fair
less is more I say
he can discuss her with his friends
men are funny on this front

but secondly eye ball him
is there any risk of you reconciling ? As if yes I need to know now before I invest time here

and yeah Of course she is remorseful
he’s happy and she’s not
twat !

@ButterfliesAWOL … tread carefully. I am not totally over my ex but for outside circumstances we could not go on. It was massive lust and love. I’m dating and meeting really nice guys and have had awesome sex with one… but I will not compromise for anything short of that feeling of total lust and communication. Beware
@Eesha … I think Mr Blue is fully on your camp and has already bought his new flat. To me that is a decisive step. Moving out will cement your relationship
@ibelieveinmirrorballs … I think you are also on the home run with Mr Nice. You are invested but not head over heels so you are the one in control here. Living with an ex without a clear home buying strategy in place is a no for me though but you know better what’s going on

Yup. About to go on long holidays with DC and see my family which I’m looking forward to. I think a break is needed !!

I’ve got a new crush… well it was kind of an existing one but since the demise of Mr Turk this one has ramped up. He is really nice and friendly but feel worried about liking anyone again as I still feel a bit stung about the Turk fiasco. Mainly because I feel like a friend might have been a bit snakey and the whole thing’s left me feeling uneasy as feel like my crush disappeared but also someone I thought I could have been friends with turned out not to be. 🤷🏻‍♀️
But i feel if I don’t keep taking chances and being open to life, then nothing will ever happen.
Sorry, just a small love life brain dump there 🙂
I have mentioned the guy on here before i think I called him Mr Gym. I would be completely punching though, he is way nicer than Turk so not gonna think anything of it!! He is just very nice. And gorgeous lol.

ButterflyOfShay

how was she snakey ? Was this the mutual friend