Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I think the above posts are spot on. Either you have a deep.lust that lasts, as.i had with the ex, but other issues arise in the longterm ....but sex remains amazing..or...you settle... for good enough then 15 years down the line.. like with ex dh, I despise him and realise I never really found him attractive ( absurd) I know.

@ButterfliesAWOL I tend it be of the school that settling for less will lead to problems further down the line, and that it’s not worth it if you’re wanting a long term relationship. Obviously there’s a difficulty if someone serially finds that no one is good enough, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

@Eesha Thanks - I guess I have had situations (many years ago!) where there was someone I felt really "hot" for, but then that heat failed to follow through. The anticipation promised more than the reality and sometimes felt almost quite empty after DTD. Ms P says she's quite shy (you wouldn't know it if you met her though) - and I'd been interpreting that shyness as evidence of passion on her part (like, if it had been there, it would overcome the shyness) but she swears she was the same with the other guy, lust or no. Also that the lust turned to boredom pretty quickly (but then she might have just been saying that to make me feel better - it was incompatible life circumstances that broke them up!)

@Signoramarella That's the confusing thing though! Ms P says despite not feeling the same instant "lust" for me, the sex is amazing (better than with previous hot guy) and she does find me attractive (just not enough to want to immediately bang my bones the first moment she saw me, I guess! :D)

I’m like your boyfriend @Pegasus41 - I’m just not great or consistent on the phone and it doesn’t reflect what I think of a person. I think one night without speaking before bed isn’t a big deal. Are there other things that are bothering you?

I'd been interpreting that shyness as evidence of lack of* passion on her part

Thanks @Levithecat — I just find he has phases of calling me loads, spontaneously, and phases when he feels more distant, so find it a little hard to know what expectations to have, though you’re right, one night is not a big deal 😊

@ButterfliesAWOL I think there's a difference between settling and accepting that someone might have other traits which see you through long term. There was someone a few years ago who I felt quite besotted with. There was no exchange of the L word but in my heart, I was happier than imaginable when I was with him. I guess to me, he was that cool boy who i felt incredibly proud to be with. But there was an emptiness which followed probably because he didn't see me as important enough. For example, I knew with a previous gf he had bought her incredibly thoughtful gifts whereas for me nothing. That's just a minor point, also just not really communicating much so I was often on tenterhooks. In hindsight, that definitely wasn't enough for me and I'm so much happier that my current partner, and to an extent my last one, both had other much more redeeming qualities and appear to prioritise me in their lives.

I think sex is really important in a relationship, but doing it, and the joy and satisfaction you get from it, not whether you stare at someone across a crowded room and think they visually tick all your "hott" boxes. People like that can be very unsatisfying. What is important is how good the sex is and whether you both feel that it happens at the right kind of frequency in general; and whether that lasts. hott people who are bad at sex (with you) or just not interested in it much can be very very compelling but its a desire that comes with constant frustration and ultimately resentment.

also - people who have affairs chose to have them. no one made them. you can always just, you know, not. That's about the person's character.

I think being being contacted regularly with an apparent willingness and enthusiasm is really important. if someone is too busy sometimes that might be completely fine. But a constant pattern of feeling hungry and let-down is soul destroying. Only you can decide what feels "enough"

tend to agree with this, having great sex is important for both parties but you cannot use this to cover up personality traits that you might nor find desirable or attractive

Ohhh @ibelieveinmirrorballs … this is wonderful… and the fact you had great sex is super affirming. This will be the nail in the coffin you needed to finish off Mr M very long shadow… super congrats

My experience as a woman… if we are not all over each other in lust at the beginning of the relationship… it’s not right. It might be convenient, good company, lovely even… but she’s not in love
I might be wrong, but if you are fit and healthy… you want to be in love and lust

Just a quick update on the match that made me feel uneasy and I told him he spoke like he was carrying out a focus group - well I matched with him again on a different site - hes using slightly different pics and a different name - but i hadn't had chance to chat other than refuse to move to whatsapp on his first message so hadn't had time to see if he was using same story (alleged widower) but have had email from site saying he's been kicked off for fraudulent behaviour so I was right - he was dodgy

@ButterfliesAWOL i think the devil is in the detail here - are you saying you both find each other attractive but that she’s told you that lust isn’t the primary driver in your burgeoning relationship? Whereas it was in her previous short lived relationship? My take would be based entirely on how things feel between you and whether it feels as though intimacy and trust is deepening. My experience is that these intense, fast connections based on super-attraction and chemistry are hard to sustain and - as my therapist is trying to drive home too 😬 - it’s much better to go slow. Is the trajectory towards things feeling better, not stagnation?

@Mila14 yes I hope so re MrM. MrNice sent me a letter in the post last week ahead of our meeting, as he’d been away for a few days, and it was just so lovely - couldn’t remember the last time someone had made a little gesture like that. Written beautifully with a little sketch included.. gosh it’s like 19th century dating 😬 I’m tired today and feeling a bit emotional, not so much about him in particular, but about the prospect of getting vulnerable with someone.

Gosh @Slothmomma that’s creepy - I don’t think I’ve ever received a message like that from an app! You must have your radar very finely tuned so well some for spotting his weirdness. What app was it?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs … it’s wonderful really. are you guys all over each other now. How attracted are you both to each other? To me this is crucial. Also I can’t date guys with no kids…it’s too much work to explain worries, studies and whatever in life. How long have you been seeing Mr Nice now ?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs it was hinge that got rid of him and emailed to let me know as we'd matched

He is not my usual physical type - every single previous iron of mine by coincidence has been 6’2” and physically fit/broad. Mr Nice is 5’11” and super fit but slight. I’m tall and a size 14 so by comparison a slim man makes me feel big. BUT - I nearly wrote him off during our first date as I wasn’t sure physically.. then we had a snog and it was incredible. We’ve had to wait a month to meet again so again, I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to get my hopes up. It is still a bit weird for me that I’m physically bigger than him but there’s no denying the strong physical attraction. Lots about this is a bit confusing for me as it’s not my “normal” but after a string of going for emotionally unavailable types I’m trying to remain open to different types of men.

Top marks to Hinge there…. .

@ibelieveinmirrorballs everything you write about Mr N reminds me of Mr L down to the physical differences! He sent me my valentine card with a lovely note inside in the post even though he was seeing me in person that day so I would have some nice post to brighten my day! I love the old fashionedness of it all combined with passion and love and sex and all that too!
he is the opposite of my 3 other irons I’ve had since my marriage breakdown and I couldn’t be happier! We are a year together next month😊
I hope things progress like that for you too

@MayEye … I think you and @ibelieveinmirrorballs have struck gold… lovely guys all round and you are both feeling huge physical attraction… you can’t ask for more . Just relax and enjoy ( and stay here to give advise to the lot of us !!!)

Fab to hear @MayEye ❤️ Very early days here, but so lovely to hear you’re at a year and have found someone lovely. No matter what happens, I’m hoping this is the start of me making better choices. They’ve got better each time (not difficult when your starting point is a toxic marriage!) and even though previous irons have been emotionally unavailable, they’ve pretty much all been decent sorts and I’ve remained friendly with a couple. I think MrM and I will over time stay friends too.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs so lovely to hear how it’s going and getting the post was so touching! @MayEye congrats on your anniversary!

@Signoramarella out of interest was the guy messaging you on social media? I would be freaked out by that!

I'm glad it's going well for a few of you, I'm just wondering what some thoughts are on my situation. Been on maybe 6 or 7dates, he's kind, sex is great, no young children, lives near but I just know that some of his traits would be annoying to me in the long term, he's so laid back but I don't know if I'm just beingg picky. I guess if I'm having doubts that it's just not right but it's seems such a shame when I really like him. Anyone been in this position?