Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Lua1978 Sounds great.
The only thing I'd be mindful of are that you've only had 3 dates so you can't possibly know the real him yet, be wary of lovebombing.

I also wonder if when he asked you what you wanted and about your life goals abd values whether he just mirrored your answer or did he offer up his thoughts first?

I know some men go years between relationships and dates but that is quite unusual, I'd be wary he isn't being honest.

Take it slowly and don't go too deep too early.

@Mila14 Sharing personal stuff shows a huge lack of boundaries and social awareness.
Sounds like he is looking for a therapist/rescuer/florence for a relationship.

@SortingItOut … exactly. I felt bewildered by some of the comments… his relationship with his dad or his mum… just weird. He has texted me to say he would like to meet again after I’m back from holidays etc. I just don’t understand why people discuss such tricky personal issues on a first date … I tried to change conversation but he just took over the whole evening!! Oh well…

Mila14
how bizarre . It’s hard to filter or predict that from text too . People are strange !
Pick yourself up , dust yourself down

Lua1978

it sounds good . really good
SortingItOut
raises some good and maybe more wise comments though , that wouldn’t necessarily occur to me either
I’d definitely keep seeing him though !

could you sound him out via mutual acquaintances ?

Yes I've already checked out everything he's said with our mutual acquaintances and he absolutely has been 100% single for that long, everything he says tallies with what they say and they say he's just a really lovely guy. Which is what I remember about him from way back too.

He's definitely not love bombing either, I've experienced that before and he's not in anyway forcing things. Not mirroring as he was very upfront about what his life goals and dreams were before I told him mine.

Honestly struggling to find any negatives and this is coming from someone who was honestly convinced they would never find anyone they could stand for more than a couple of hours every few weeks, let alone want an actual relationship with.

Lua1978

well that’s all good . It’s always surprisingly suprising to meet someone nice ! Maybe you are ready to meet someone nice , maybe you wouldn’t have liked him before ?

Thanks all, 12 hrs in the saddle and a 300 mile trip today with 5 others, it’s as great 👍🏼, but now I need someone to massage my back 😂

Great to read all the positive story's. My current chat is with Mr brown. Had lots of chat. One meet up. Then he stalked me on social media. Multiple checks in every where. V disturbing. Do people do this? I would never dream of doing this with a guy. Thoughts?

Joining you guys, very new to this!

What's the opinions on sending sexy photos ? This is my first pressing issue as the guy I'm talking to wants me to 😫

For context he's mid twenties and I'm mid thirties

@ChampooPapi Welcome. Sexy photos immediately implies he's just looking for sex.

If you're looking for the same that's great, if not bin him off.

Only do what you're comfortable with and remember those photos could end up anywhere.

@SortingItOut thanks for responding, yes I am only looking for a casual sexual thing as I have 4 children and a busy life student nursing!. If the pictures are shared during this comes under revenge porn though? I havnt sent anything yet but he has 🤭

@ChampooPapi It could be classed as revenge porn but only if you know he has shared it and to who.
Loads of photos are shared between men and they're not reported to the police as the woman has no idea.

I'd be wary that he just wants sexting and won't meet, so is just after wank fodder.

I suggest a meet up to see whether you even fancy him and go from there.

What site did you find him on?
Even on a casual sex site like fabswingers everyone knows a social is the first step.

@SortingItOut on tinder. We are supposed to be meeting on Friday. I will meet him somewhere neutral first like a bar. Because he's a different generation I suppose I don't know what's normal.(we are 10 years apart in age) and I'm so new to online stuff. I only want something casual and I want the person to match with me, too much admin otherwise, so I think tinder is the right site. The brazenness of it all though 😂😳

@ChampooPapi What's normal is whatever is right for you. Just because he's younger doesnt mean you have to change how you are to match him.

Just be your self and he will either want you or he won't.

Good luck

Hi all
@Lua1978 this sounds brilliant - long may it continue.

i decided the best way to not get too invested is to speak with a few at once, so signed up for POF. Three good conversations going, but one that I do quite like, but he has poor spelling and grammar.. Think ‘are’ instead of ‘our’, ‘to’ instead of ‘too’, not much punctuation etc. Feels like a silly thing to be fussed about, but I am…

@Levithecat i used to be much more obsessed with someone’s spelling/grammar then I am now, but still do think that if it’s too basic it’s possibly a mismatch. Sometimes it’s dyslexia or similar and it’s unfair to form any sort of conclusion.

MrNice has just left, great second date, amazing sex, actually managed to feel calm enough afterwards to get a good night’s sleep sharing a bed - I NEVER slept properly with MrM… was too wired. Having lots of interesting reflections on the difference dealing with a straightforward available person - zero anxiety, feel calm and sane and quietly content.

Hi everyone, I am back thinking about dating again after a few years thinking I was all loved up. It seems I wasn't. Rather broken hearted at the moment.

Last time I was dating I had great fun meeting lots of men on tinder. I didn't think I was looking for a relationship and most of the men I met weren't either. It was my first time out really (things were very different before I was married, in the early noughties) and it was great in lots of ways. But now I don't think I can go back to all that. I've changed; my lifestyle and my needs and desires have changed; maybe the world of dating has changed too because I hear a lot more, even just over a few years, from friends, about kinky pictures etc very early on.

Is there an old-fashioned introductions service? I'd love to just meet a nice, trustworthy man. (I suppose everyone would - am I hearing hollow laughter?)

Hi 👋🏻 and sorry to take so long to respond.

This is a red flag 🚩 in whatever circumstances it happens. Someone being that obsessed and checking up on you is indicative of very poor boundaries and / or mental health.

Sadly I've had this a few times, and the only way to deal with it is to block them everywhere. It may sound harsh but you need to protect your peace of mind and there's no reasonable excuse for that sort of behaviour.

Sorry this is happening to you 💜

Hi all - quick update on my situation with my date (who I'll now call Ms P!) We've smoothed over the earlier uncertainties and had another couple of dates since I last posted. Now getting to the point where those conversations about "where is ths actually going" are beginning to happen.

We increasingly enjoy each other's company and the physical side is apparently great. She's making noises about developing deeper feelings, however I have to admit I'm beginning to have doubts.

Basically, it comes down to lust. With my ex, in the early days, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Despite us actually having satisfying time in bed, so far, this isn't really the case with me and Ms P. She recounted that her last (short admittedly) relationship was driven by lust and this hasn't been the case with me. She says she finds me attractive and the sex is better despite this, so doesn't see this as a problem. But, for me, AIBU in thinking it is? I just wonder if feeling that kind of compusive lust is kind of integral, even if it fades - otherwise, what's to stop some guy coming along eventually she does feel that towards? I read so many accounts on here of people saying they realise they settled, because they were never "in love" with their DH and now are completely limerant over someone else.

We talked a bit about it. She feels I'm self-sabotaging things, as I'm scared of getting hurt again after my marriage ended due to infidelity. I know she'll be really gutted if I break things off. But I just think she shouldn't "settle" and we're just storing problems for further down the road.

Anyone encountered similar/can offer a seasoned dater's perspective?

@ButterfliesAWOL Personally I think relationships are more about who you can live with rather than not be able to live without. Similarly with that wild passion, ive had that but actually not been able to sustain anything more in the real world. And I'd say its near impossible to have every box ticked. She might have realised she has a good partner in you and its worth more to her than short lived relationships before. Certainly with my current partner and prior one, its a different dynamic but there feels like more potential for longevity. I'd much rather this than the fireworks plus volatility I had before.

Can I join? Thanks for the thread. I have bf, exclusive, but only of 9 months so earlyish days. Have been on apps previously so happy to share any advice!

Im currently mildly annoyed with BF but unsure in my head about the balance between maintaining the standards I want and being too demanding or unreasonable.

Usually we speak on phone before bed the nights we don’t see each other. Last night after he’d put his kid to bed he fell asleep then texted me late saying he fell asleep can we speak tomorrow as he’d been up since 6am and is tired. Today he didn’t call, though texted saying he has dinner for us tonight, also to let him know if I get a free spot in my day. I did get a free spot and told him but he didn’t call. I could have called him but didn’t want to after he didn’t want to call me last night. Do you think this stuff is too trivial to get hung up on, or worth having a conversation about? I feel he blows a bit hot and cold re the phone (though not really in other respects).

Belladimamma thankyou for replying. Yeah it's weird after 1 date. Very unnerving. Quite liked him but this has freaked me out.